‘Yes?’
‘ …that it was the
same
p-p-p-party!’
‘No!’ I said. ‘
Incredible
!’
’– We met on top of a mountain.’
‘– We met at primary school.’
‘– We met at bingo.’
‘– We met at a polo match.’
There must, I thought, be some mathematical paradigm for all this, to do with the random collision of particles. Or perhaps it isn’t really so random after all.
‘What’s your story, Minty?’ said Alan on Line 5 suddenly.
‘What’s
my
story?’ I was taken aback.
‘Yes. We’ve told you ours.’
‘Well …’ Oh God. ‘It’s not very interesting. Anyway, I’m just the presenter here.’
‘No, really,’ Alan went on. ‘What about you? Are you married?’
‘Oh no no no,’ I said. ‘Let’s take another call now.’
‘No,’ he persisted, ‘we’d all like to know if
you’ve
fallen for anyone, and how you met them.’
‘Well …’
I really didn’t like having the tables turned like this. I looked through the glass at Wesley. He shrugged, noncommittally, then whispered into my head-phones: ‘It’s up to you.’
‘What’s your story, Minty?’ said Alan again.
Oh God, this was embarrassing. But then Sheryl von Strumpfhosen had said, ‘
Don’t be afraid to reveal aspects of yourself
kept hidden until now.
’ On the other hand, Sheryl was
always
wrong.
‘
Do
tell us, Minty,’ said Belinda with an encouraging smile.
‘Well …’ I sighed.
‘Go on,’ she said.
‘OK,’ I replied grudgingly. ‘But it really isn’t very interesting.’ I nervously cleared my throat. ‘Right: last July I was on honeymoon with my bridesmaid,’ I began. ‘My fiancé had run off, you see, during our wedding, in front of two hundred and eighty people. Bit of a shock.
Anyway
, Helen and I went to Paris and stayed in the Honeymoon Suite of the George V. And on our penultimate day we played table football in a café with this English chap called Joe. I didn’t pay him much attention because I was having a nervous breakdown. But then Joe and I met again, by chance, in London. And we began to get on very well –
very
well, actually, for a while – and Joe’s …what can I tell you about Joe?’ I paused for a second. ‘Well, Joe’s witty, and creative,’ I went on. ‘He’s a brilliant writer, by the way – that’s what he does. And he’s good-looking but not flash. He’s just natural. He’s a natural man. And I would have fallen for him earlier, but I didn’t, because I was still obsessing about my ex. And just when I’d got over my ex, and realised that I was falling …’ I paused again. ‘That I was falling in love with Joe, something awful happened. I blew it. I lost it with him. I completely lost it. I made a terrible, terrible scene. In public. It was awful. I was vile. I was shouting and swearing at him like a Harpy. And I said I never wanted to see him again.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Belinda. She looked distraught.
‘Yes. Exactly,’ I said. ‘Oh dear. And I’m not going to tell you why I shouted at Joe, except to say that it was because he’d made me confront something that I’d suppressed for a very long time. And I didn’t like it, because I knew he was right. It was as though he’d held up one of those magnifying mirrors. The kind that show you all your defects in unpalatable close-up – all your imperfections, and lines and open pores. There’s no escaping them with a mirror like that. And that’s
what it was like with Joe. And I didn’t like the view, so I lost my temper. And if there was one person I shouldn’t have lost my temper with, it was him. So I regretted it. In fact, I regretted it very, very much. Anyway,’ I went on with a sigh, ‘eventually, I phoned him to apologise, but he’d left. He’d gone to LA, to work. And I felt terrible because he’d come to mean so much. I’d assumed we’d be together, because by now I couldn’t imagine being apart. I felt just so, so bad. Then a friend of mine suggested that I go and look for him, and so that’s what I did.’
‘You went to Los Angeles?’ said Belinda.
‘Yes, I went to Los Angeles and I searched for him. I looked everywhere. I looked in all the bars and cafés, and I phoned loads of agents and film producers. I asked all the actors and scriptwriters I met – anyone who might possibly have a lead. I told them about Joe’s film, and how wonderful it is, but they didn’t know who he was. I think they do now, though. Eventually I found out where he lived, and I went there. But he wasn’t in. I hung around all day, but he didn’t come back. And the reason why he didn’t come back was because I was standing outside the wrong house. Because I’d been given the wrong address. But I didn’t know that until afterwards, by which time it was too late.’
‘So you never found him, then?’
‘Oh yes, I did find him. On my way to the airport I suddenly saw him, outside a theatre with this woman. And they were being photographed. And they looked very happy together. And then they kissed. And later, I saw their photo in a magazine, and it said they were a “pair”. So I did find Joe. But at the same time I missed him. And I miss him now. In fact, I really miss him, because I think he was The One.’ I exhaled painfully, paused for a second, then looked up at the computer screen again. ‘OK, just time for a few more calls,’ I said. ‘And on Line 4 we have Ella from Crouch End. Hi, Ella, welcome to the show. What’s your story?’
‘I don’t have a story,’ she said quietly. ‘I want to talk about
your
story. I think it’s very sad and you shouldn’t leave it there.’
‘I
agree
,’ said Belinda roundly.
‘I mean, that girl might not mean much to him,’ Ella went on.
‘I thought of that,’ I said. ‘But then, Joe isn’t shallow. In fact, he’s very cautious with women, so I don’t think he’d kiss someone like that unless he felt very attached.’
‘What sort of kiss was it?’
‘Well, you know, a proper one.’
‘How long did it go on?’
‘Look, I don’t
know.
I was driving slowly by in a cab, so I got a pretty good view, but I can only tell you that it was …’ I heaved another painful sigh ‘ …a proper, lingering kiss.’
‘Mmm,’ she said, thoughtfully, ‘but he can’t have known her that long.’
‘Maybe not, but he’s obviously clicked with her very quickly, which means he’s keen.’
‘Well, I think you should write to him and tell him what happened,’ Ella persisted.
‘There’s no point,’ I replied. ‘In any case, I’m not sure he’d want to know. He’s six thousand miles away. He has a new life now. He’s moving on. And so must I.’ I picked another caller. ‘And now we have Nicola on Line 5, calling from Wandsworth. What’s your point, Nicola?’
‘Look, Minty,’ said Nicola, ‘I agree with the previous caller. I think you should try again.’
‘Oh,
do
you?’
‘Yes, Joe’s new relationship may not last very long,’ she went on. ‘Have you thought of that?’
‘Well, yes, I have,’ I conceded wearily. ‘But I can’t hang around for him on spec. I’d be consumed with jealousy and the frustration would probably kill me. So, thanks for the suggestion, but no thanks. And on Line 3, we have Mike. What do you want to talk about, Mike?’
‘You!’ he said forthrightly, his voice echoing slightly on his mobile phone. ‘I want to talk about you and Joe.’ Oh God. Not
another
one. ‘I’m a cab driver, right,’ he explained. ‘I listen to you quite a lot, girl, and I feel like I’ve got to know you a
bit. And I agree with the previous callers: you’re making a
big
mistake. If I was Joe, I’d be well gutted to know that you’d tried so hard to find me.’
‘Well, Joe isn’t going to know, because he has a new life now and that’s that.’
‘That’s no bleedin’ good,’ said Mike. ‘I can’t believe you’re being such a wimp. What, mate? – Sorry, just got to talk to my fare.’
‘I agree with Mike,’ said Nicola on Line 5. ‘You’re being a wimp.’
‘No I’m not,’ I shot back.
‘Yes you are,’ said Ella on Line 2. ‘And you can’t be as fond of him as you say you are otherwise you wouldn’t give up so easily.’
‘Look,’ I said – I was getting slightly irritated now – ‘not only was I very fond of him, I was in love with him. In fact,’ I added, ‘I still am, OK? And I didn’t just give up “so easily”. I went to enormous trouble to find him, and it didn’t work. But I did try.’
‘Not hard enough, girl,’ said Mike on Line 3.
‘Look,’ I said, ‘didn’t you hear me say that he’s got someone
else
?’
‘Yeah, but relationships don’t last five minutes in Hollywood, everyone knows that,’ he said over the diesel chug of his engine. ‘They change partners there like they change their bleedin’ shirts.’
‘Yes,’ said Nicola on Line 5. ‘What makes you think Joe’s going to stick with this woman?’
‘Look, I know all this
logically
,’ I conceded. ‘But I can only say that it’s profoundly discouraging seeing the object of your affection passionately kissing someone else. Though I was at least grateful that it wasn’t Cameron Diaz.’
‘What have you got against Cameron Diaz?’ said Ella.
‘Nothing really, I …’
‘She was great in
There’s Something About Mary.
’
‘Yes, she was,’ I said. ‘She was very good in that.’
‘No, I preferred her in
My Best Friend’s Wedding
,’ said Nicola.
‘Oh yes,’ said Ella, ‘that karaoke scene was
hilarious.
’
‘
I
think her best performance was in
A Life Less Ordinary
,’ said Belinda judiciously.
‘Yes. Yes, she was excellent in that,’ I agreed wearily.
‘Look, can we
stop
talking about Cameron Diaz!’ said Mike. ‘We’re talking about Minty and Joe here.’
‘Oh yes,’ they all said.
‘Now look, Minty,’ Mike went on, ‘have you got the right address for Joe now?’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I have. It’s 19 Harbor Street, Venice Beach.’
‘Then write to him. Write to him tonight, girl.’
‘No, I’m not going to do that.’
‘Why not?’ Why not? Why not?
‘Because a) he lives in Los Angeles, and b) he’s got a girlfriend.’
‘And c) you’re in love with him,’ said Ella, ‘and d) he’s The One.’
‘That’s right,’ said Mike. ‘You’ve got to try to get ‘im back because life ain’t a bleedin’ dress rehearsal! Where to now, mate?’
‘That’s true,’ said Nicola on Line 5. ‘We only get one chance.’
‘There’s nothing worse than futile regrets,’ said Belinda. ‘Imagine looking back, when you’re ninety and saying, “if only”.’
‘OK, OK,’ I said, ‘I hear what you all say. But I really would like to change the subject. And on Line 1 now is Lizzie from Hampstead. Hopefully, Lizzie’s going to talk about something else.’
‘No I’m
not
!’ said Lizzie, in a tone of voice which took me aback. ‘Now, you listen to me,’ she went on, fiercely, audibly drawing on a cigarette. ‘You’re being bloody ridiculous! Joe’s obviously a wonderful man. You clearly had a very
real
connection with him, and you’re a complete coward not to go that extra mile.’
‘Yes, don’t be such a coward, Minty!’ said Nicola, crossly. ‘I’m disappointed in you.’
‘So am I!’ said Ella vehemently.
‘And me,’ said Mike.
My God! This was getting nasty. I glanced through the glass for moral support, but they all seemed to find my discomfiture amusing. I looked at the clock: only two minutes of air-time to go. Thank God for that. I’d had enough of this phone-in. I’d start to wind the programme up, right now, before they wound
me
up any more.
‘Do try and put it right,’ said Belinda. ‘Write to Joe.’
‘I
can’t
,’ I said, simply. ‘Life isn’t like
A Midsummer’s Night Dream
,’ I went on. ‘Jack doesn’t always have Jill. Sometimes Jack opts for someone else. Kelly-Ann, for example. There aren’t always happy endings. You admitted as much yourself.’
‘But we can make our own happy endings!’ said Mike.
‘No, we can’t. Not if it’s just not meant to be. It’s destiny,’ I added. ‘It’s Fate.’
‘No it isn’t!’ exclaimed Lizzie. ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in our
selves
,’ she declaimed. ‘
Julius Caesar
, Act One,’ she added crisply.
I’d had enough of this. There was still a minute to go, but I was going to come out early. Tough.
‘Well, I’m afraid there we must bring the programme to an end,’ I said.
‘Just get off your arse, Minty!’ said Mike.
‘I’d like to thank you all for joining me today …’
‘Don’t be such a sap!’ said Ella.
‘ …for this special edition of the programme.’
‘You’re being a bloody fool!’ said Lizzie.
‘Do join us again …’
‘A total
idiot
!’ said Nicola.
‘tomorrow …’
‘In fact, Minty,’ said a familiar voice, ‘you’re being a complete MORON!’
‘Don’t call me a moron, Joe. I’ve told you that before …’
‘Well, you are!’
‘In the meantime …’
Joe
? ‘ …from all of us on
Capitalise …’ Joe!’ …
goodbye.’
‘Joe!’ I was so shocked I stood up without taking off my headphones and nearly garrotted myself on the lead. ‘That was Joe,’ I said, as I pushed through the studio doors. ‘That was
Joe
!’ I said again.
‘Yes,’ said Wesley, ‘it was.’
‘Where was he phoning from?’
‘That cab.’
‘The cab?’
‘Yes, the cab.’
‘Where is he now?’ I said.
‘He’s in reception,’ said Wesley.
‘Reception?’ I said, as I feverishly groped in my bag for a comb.
‘That’s what he said. He said he was just being dropped off at reception.’
‘Christ, where’s my lipstick?’ I said.
‘By the way,’ Jack went on as I found my hand mirror, ‘I really liked your cousin’s contribution. Isn’t she the girl who read at your wedding?’
‘Yes. Yes, she is,’ I said as I applied mascara with my right hand, and squished on scent with my left.
‘Lovely voice,’ he said thoughtfully.
‘Yes. In fact …look, there’s something I want to talk to you about, Jack.’
‘Tell me later, Minty,’ he said with a smile.
I rushed out of the studio towards the lift. Oh Christ – there was an ‘Out of Order’ notice on it. I flew to the emergency stairs, and began to take them three at a time. Suddenly I saw Monica coming up them towards me.