The Male Brain (8 page)

When Jake came in the next time, I asked him if he'd thought about what could have gone wrong on his late-night motorcycle ride. Flashing his most charming but "knowing" smile, he said, "Nothing bad happened. Why can't everybody just chill?"

I could see that Jake's parents had their work cut out for them. And I knew one of my jobs with Kate was going to have to be to help her tolerate the experimenting that would be a necessary prelude to Jake's independent survival. I could vividly remember the gut-wrenching maternal fear I had experienced during similar episodes when my son was a teen. But at the same time, as I had, Kate would need to accept that certain aspects of her son's life would forever be off-limits to her. Already, touching had been off-limits since he was twelve or thirteen. Researchers have shown that teen boys begin to be repulsed, not only by the proximity of their
mother's body, but also by her smell
. The scientists speculated that this may have evolved as a protection against inbreeding. For years now, whenever Kate tried to straighten Jake's collar or fix his hair, he'd bat her hand away. As Jake's brain set up these new physical barriers with his mother, it also established firm boundaries around his privacy. He certainly wasn't going to share the details of the intimate journey he was the most anxious about embarking on.

HOT AND BOTHERED

All week Jake had been trying to screw up the courage to ask Zoe out. They'd been hanging out in the same group for most of the year but never went out alone. Now he was trying to find out from her friends whether she liked him "like that," or not. Hanging out with her in the group was no longer enough. He felt as if he would burst if he couldn't be alone with her.

Girls don't fully appreciate the bravery it takes for a guy to risk rejection by asking them out. But teen girls soon notice the new power their budding figures have over boys' brains. Boys usually feel the first stirrings of sexual attraction when they're just eleven or twelve years old and begin
to have fleeting sexual fantasies
. But this is years before they're ready to pair off, and it's the age
when boys begin frequent masturbation
. Studies show that from puberty until men's midtwenties, they may need to ejaculate one
to three times a day
. Girls this age reportedly masturbate an average of
less than one time per day
. Scientists believe that this frequent sexual stimulation is biologically required to keep young men primed, fertile, and ready to have "real sex"
at the first opportunity
.

Jake's sexual-interest circuits had been flipped on years ago, and his brain's visual cortex had become naturally but indelibly fixated on breasts and buttocks. He obsessively collected every detail about sex that he could find, and when he was with Zoe, he was so mesmerized by her breasts that he often missed what she was saying. He also found himself losing the fight to resist taking a peek at the forbidden online porn sites. He was compelled to learn everything he could so he'd know what to do when the time
finally came to "do it."
Although Jake didn't consciously know it, his mating brain was now in charge.
During the teen years, a boy's brain circuits undergo major changes. Some brain areas grow wildly, pulsing with constant activity, while other areas are cut back or redirected. It's as if a new operating system is being installed on his computer. Some programs are being upgraded and some are being deleted. The transition can be rocky at times, but once the new system has taken over, he can begin to use the full force of his male brain circuits. And where will he try out these new powers? Wherever there are attractive, desirable girls.

THREE
The Mating Brain: Love and Lust

THE INSTANT Ryan laid eyes on Nicole, she had his undivided attention. He was at a sports bar watching the basketball playoffs with some rugby teammates, but one look at Nicole, and he forgot all about the game. A twenty-eight-year-old Web designer, Ryan had enough dating experience to know that women with good looks don't always have personalities to match. But she triggered his brain's "must have" sequence, and without another thought, he was on his feet and moving toward her. He noticed that her friend was attractive too, but it was Nicole who took his breath away.

With long blond hair, a petite hourglass figure, and a face that could easily belong to a model, Nicole was well aware of the power of her sexual attractiveness. She was now twenty-six, and she'd been my patient since her rocky teenage years. Men had been drooling over her ever since she turned fifteen, grew breasts, and had her braces removed.
As Ryan watched Nicole, he was practically oblivious to everyone but her. His brain's sexual-pursuit area, in his hypothalamus,
lit up like a slot machine
. Suddenly, all he could think about was how to get her attention. Without being consciously aware of it, Ryan was following the commands
of his ancient mating brain
.

The men alive today have been biologically selected over millions of years to focus on fertile females. What they don't know is that they've evolved to zoom in on certain features that indicate reproductive health. Researchers have found that the attraction to an hourglass figure--large breasts, small waist, flat stomach, and full hips--is ingrained
in men across all cultures
. This shape tells his brain that she's young, healthy, and probably not pregnant with another man's child. Like all men's, Ryan's number-one
mate-detection circuit was visual
. A male's visual cortex comes prewired to notice women who are shaped like Nicole. Men don't really have one-track minds, but when their brains enter "mate-pursuit mode," they can seem to.

FLIRTING IS A "CONTACT-READINESS" SPORT

When Nicole gave me a detailed recap of their first meeting, it was clear that somehow Ryan had charmed her. If we could have watched the play-by-play of Ryan's nonverbal body movements we would have seen him walk casually but deliberately toward Nicole, hoping she'd look up. Once she did, we'd see him tilt his chin and raise his eyebrows ever so slightly, smiling as he took a step closer. Next, Nicole tipped her head toward him, returned the smile, and leaned back just a little. Her body was saying,
I'm interested, but cautious
. Ryan's
mating brain read Nicole right
. While still smiling, he took a half-step back.

While Ryan didn't have that chiseled
GQ
look that Nicole found most attractive, he
was
cute and looked harmless enough
. His smile and the twinkle in his hazel eyes disarmed her, and she could feel her own smile widening as she looked down to coyly break eye contact.

In scientific lingo, these nonverbal flirting signals that Ryan and Nicole were displaying are called contact-readiness cues. Without saying a word, they were signaling interest to the other's brain. I still smile at the memory of my scientist husband trying to flirt with me and hanging on my every word at the business lunch where we first met. Flirting is a contact-readiness sport, and men who do it best score the most.

As this scene with Ryan and Nicole played out, it might have looked as though their movements and facial expressions had been carefully rehearsed to suit Western culture. But these nonverbal microflirtations appear to come preprogrammed deep in the human brain. Researchers have filmed first encounters between men and women in a variety of cultures and have found that people around the world give the same flirtatious
cues as Ryan and Nicole
.

While Ryan continued in pursuit mode, he took a deep breath as he quickly screwed up the courage to make his next move, desperately hoping this gorgeous woman was
not out of his league
. Trying to sound as confident and laid-back as possible, he addressed both Nicole and Maggie: "You two look thirsty. Can I get you some drinks?"

Before Nicole could say no, Maggie accepted the offer. "Thanks! I'd like a glass of Chardonnay. I'm Maggie, by the way, and this is Nicole."

Ryan nodded as he said, "I'm Ryan." Then he turned to Nicole and asked, "And what would you like?"

"Chardonnay sounds good to me too," she said, and Ryan was immediately turned on by the musical quality of her voice.

When he returned with the drinks, Nicole asked, "Are you here to watch the game?"

Ryan, feeling a little more confident now, flashed his most charming smile and said, "No,
I'm here to watch you
." Nicole was flattered, even though she knew it was just a line. Ryan was playfully incorporating what scientists call little deceits and exaggerations into his flirtation. Researchers found that because men believe women expect flattery from them, they don't see anything

wrong with meeting those expectations
. While Ryan was comfortable with a few flirtatious exaggerations, he didn't want to push his luck too far, so he casually asked, "Are you a Giants fan or an A's fan?"

"Neither," Nicole said with a grin. "I've been studying for the bar exam, and Maggie threatened to remove me from her friends list if I didn't take a break."

Before Nicole had a chance to say another word, Maggie said, "Pull up a chair, Ryan."
THE MATING SENSES

Ryan had noticed that Maggie's voice was deeper than Nicole's, and while it was pleasing, his brain instantly categorized her as a potential friend, rather than a potential mate. But Nicole's higher-pitched voice had triggered his brain to place her in the "hot and sexy" category.

In a study of an African hunter-gatherer tribe called the Hadza, men rated women with deeper voices as better foragers, but said they were more sexually attracted to the women
with the highest-pitched voices
. And the women in the tribe rated the men with the deepest voices as the best hunters and protectors, but were turned off by the men with squeaky or high-pitched voices. Ryan's voice sounded pleasant to Nicole even though it wasn't quite that deep male baritone that made her
go weak in the knees
.

Now that Ryan was sitting next to Nicole, he was close enough to take in her sweet scent, and his nose instant-messaged his subconscious brain that she not only smelled good, but was also
potentially a good genetic match
. Our pheromones--odorless "smells" detected by our noses--carry genetic information, according to researchers. Infants who came from the repeated intermarriages of Europe's royal families taught us that couples whose genes are too similar
give birth to sickly offspring
. And a study in Switzerland of sweaty T-shirts that had absorbed the pheromones of the people who wore them showed that those who were good genetic matches (that is, those who were most dissimilar) smelled
best to each other
. If Nicole had smelled "bad" to Ryan, he could have been turned off
and not even known why
. This isn't
about hygiene; it's about genes
.

Ryan's mating brain hormonal signals, and interested, so he tried question. "So, when is the bar exam?" was giving him encouraging

Ryan thought Nicole seemed to draw her out with another

 

"Next week," she said.

 

Maggie chimed in, "I'm giving her a bar-exam coming-out party when it's over. Wanna come?"

The party was just a couple of weeks away, but to Ryan it felt like a month. He couldn't stop thinking about Nicole and found himself silently rehearsing topics he
could talk to her about
. As it turned out, Ryan didn't have to worry quite so much. The night of the party, the conversation between them was easy, and he felt good that he could frequently make Nicole laugh. And at the end of the party, he was thrilled that she accepted his offer to drive her home. By then, the sexual
tension between them was palpable
. When he walked her to the door and looked into her eyes, she didn't back away, so he leaned in and kissed her good night. He had intended just a quick kiss, but when their lips met, their tongues followed, seemingly of their own accord. The kiss was so sweet and dizzying that he couldn't break away. Fortunately for Ryan, neither could Nicole.

In the mating game, a kiss is more than a kiss--It's a taste test. Saliva contains molecules from all the glands and organs in the body, so a French kiss serves up our signature flavor. As soon as Ryan's tongue touched Nicole's, information about each other's health and genes was collected and
secretly sent to their brains
. If Nicole had genes that were too similar to his and the kiss tasted sour, it could have been a sexual deal-breaker. But the kiss was sweet; it led to another and then another. Scientists have learned that there is plenty of bioactive testosterone in men's saliva, enough that it may activate the sexual-arousal
center in a woman's brain
.

So your mother was right--French kissing
can
lead to sex. Ryan was hoping that tonight was the night, but Nicole gently pulled back, thanked him, and said good night without inviting him in.