Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (129 page)
Fourteen Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Woman Than a Man
1 You can judge a person’s character just by looking at their shoes.
2 Gay waiters don’t make you feel uncomfortable.
3 You can talk to members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4 You don’t have to reach down every so often to check that your balls are still there.
5 You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
6 You can sleep your way to the top.
7 You get off the
Titanic
first.8 You can cry and get off speeding fines.
9 You have never lusted over a cartoon character, or central character of a computer game.
10 You live longer and therefore get to cash in the life insurance.
11 When you dance you don’t look like a frog in a blender.
12 You know that size matters.
13 You get a whole new lease of life from a new lipstick.
14 Condoms make no significant difference to your enjoyment of sex.
According to a recent scientifc study, women will fnd different males attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However, just before she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fre with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket bat shoved up his arse.
How do you confuse an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Why do tampons have string?
So you can foss after you eat.
What’s the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
You can’t gargle with sand.
What’s red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
What did the sanitary towel say to the fart?
You’re the wind beneath my wings.
What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Susan gets her frst period. Feeling uncomfortable about talking to her parents, she decides to ask little Jimmy next door. She whips off her knickers and shows him where she’s bleeding from.
“Well, I’m no expert,” says Jimmy after a few minutes scratching his chin, “but it looks to me like someone’s ripped your bollocks off.”
Two sanitary pads were foating down a sewer drain and saw two approaching tampons. One pad said to the other, “Should we say hello to those two tampons?”
“Nah”, responds the other. “They’re stuck up cunts.”
™ Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
™ What’s the difference between normal blood and period blood?
You can’t eat normal blood with a fork.
How did the Red Sea get its name?
Queen Cleopatra used to bathe in it periodically.
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. At the table opposite a woman was sitting with her legs wide open. One man says to his friend: “Look at the dark hair on her snatch!”