The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (135 page)

They only have to learn how to take off.

An Englishiman, an Irishiman, a Welshiman and a Scot are captured by the Taliban. The Taliban leader says to them, “We’re going to shoot you infdels, but we are fair people and we will give you one last request. He turns to the Welshiman: “What is your last request?”

The Welshiman replies, “I want to hear a thousand Welshimen singing ‘Land of my Fathers’.”

“Okay, you will have your request.” He turns to the Scotsman. “What about you?”

“I want to hear a thousand Scots pipers piping ‘Scotland the Brave’,” replies the Scot.

“You’ve got it,” says the Taliban leader. He turns to the Irishiman. “What is your last request?”

“I want to see a thousand Irishimen doing the Riverdance,” says Paddy.

“It will be yours,” says the Taliban leader.

Finally he turns to the Englishiman. “And your last request?”

“Please . . .” replies the Englishiman, “. . . shoot me first.”

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the war in Iraq?

They fought like animals and retained water for four days.

An army major is visiting a field hospital. He walks up to the bed of a sick private and asks, “What’s your problem, soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, sir.”

“Good man,” barks the major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, soldier?”

“Chronic piles, sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, sir.”

“Good man,” says the major.

He moves to the next bed. “What’s your problem, soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before those other fuckers, sir!”

An American destroyer is sailing in the English Channel, just off the southern coast of England, when it receives a call. “This is Britain. You need to divert your course fifteen degrees.”
The American radio operator replies: “No deal, motherfucker. How about you divert your course fifteen degrees or we’ll bomb your ass to kingdom come!”
The reply comes: “This is a lighthouse, your call.”

Two Irish soldiers in Afghanistan are given a new helicopter. They take it for a spin and Mick says to Paddy: “If I turn this helicopter upside-down, do you think we’ll fall out?”

Paddy replies: “Of course not, Mick. We’ll always be friends.”

An officer is posted to a remote desert outpost to look after a unit of troops. When he arrives he sees that there is very little in the way of entertainment, so he asks one of the men, “What do you do for sex around here?”

The trooper points to a donkey tied to a post nearby. The officer is outraged and orders the donkey to be put out in the field; he warns that if any man goes near it, he will be shot.

After several weeks without women, the officer begins to feel a bit edgy. Finally he cracks and asks for the donkey to be brought back to his tent. When it arrives he figures that he’s going to be the one to go first and so drops his trousers and begins to have his way with the donkey. At this point he catches sight of his troops peering in at him, aghast, through the tent fap. “You guys have a problem with this?” he demands. “Isn’t this the way you all did it?”

“Not exactly, sir,” one of the men replies. “We rode the donkey into town to meet girls.”

My grandfather had his tongue ripped out by the Japs in Burma during the Second World War. He doesn’t talk about it, though.