Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (176 page)
“How old is your mother, dear?” asks the teacher.
“Forty,” she replies.
“Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.”
The little girl then asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”
“Well, dear, how old is your sister?”
The little girl answers, “Nineteen.”
“Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”
The little girl then asks, “Can I get pregnant?”
“How old are you, dear?”
The little girl answers, “I’m seven years old.”
“No, dear, you can’t get pregnant . . .”
The little boy sitting behind the little girl slaps her round the back of the head and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”
It was the first day at school and the teacher was asking the children what their fathers did for a living. She asked a little girl, “What does your daddy do?”
She replied, “My daddy is a doctor and he helps people when they’re poorly.”
The teacher asked a little boy, “What does your daddy do?”
He replied, “My daddy is a mechanic. He fxes cars when they are broken.”
Then the teacher asked another little boy, “What does your daddy do?”
The boy replied, “My daddy’s dead.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” the teacher said, “but what did your daddy do before he died?”
The boy said, “He turned blue and shat on the foor.”
Jimmy was sitting in class doing maths when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Jimmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Jimmy, “Because the rest would fly away.”
“Actually, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you are thinking.”
Jimmy replies, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop – one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone – which one is married?”
“Er . . .” said the teacher hesitantly, “. . . the one sucking the cone?”
“No,” said Jimmy, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.”
Little Jimmy is sitting in class one day, when the teacher says: “I’m going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you have to give me a word that starts with that letter and use it in a sentence. Let’s start with A.”
Little Jimmy raises his hand and shouts, “Me, miss! Me, miss! Me, miss!”
The teacher, having fallen for one of little Jimmy’s crude answers a few jokes back, calls on another student instead.
Next, the teacher asks for the letters B, C and D. Each time, little Jimmy raises his hand, and each time, the teacher ignores him and calls on other students. This continues until she reaches the letter U.
By this time, little Jimmy is jumping out of his seat. The teacher thinks to herself, “What harm can it do? There isn’t a bad word I can think of that starts with that letter.” So she calls on little Jimmy.
“U-R-I-N-A-T-E, urinate.”
The teacher says, “Okay, now use it in a sentence.” Little Jimmy responds, “Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you would be a ten.”
A teacher gave her class of eleven-year-olds an assignment. They have to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The following day the children return to school and begin to tell their stories.
Tommy said, “My dad is a farmer and we have a lot of hens. One day dad was taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broke and made a mess.”
“That’s a nice story, Tommy,” said the teacher. “But what is the moral of the story?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” said Tommy.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next up was little Sarah. “Our family are also farmers but we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, ‘don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.’”
“That was a fne story, Sarah,” said the teacher.
“David, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Muriel. Muriel was a fight engineer on a plane in Afghanistan and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of gin, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the bottle of gin on the way down then she landed right in the middle of a load of Taliban soldiers. She shot fifty of them with her machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed another thirty with the machete until the blade broke, then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the teacher. “Does this terrible story your dad told you have a moral?”
“Yes, miss,” said David. “Stay the fuck away from Auntie Muriel when she’s had a drink.”
A young black lad asked his father, “Dad, I have the biggest dick in year three. Is it because I’m black?”
His dad replied, “No, son. It’s because you’re seventeen.”
Why do Scotsmen have blue penises?
Because they are tight-fsted wankers.
An English doctor was being shown around a Glasgow hospital. He is taken into a ward full of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He is puzzled and stops by the bed of the first patient he sees. “Excuse me,” says the doctor, “What are you here for?”
The patient replies: “Fair fa’ yer honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race!”
The English doctor, who hasn’t understood a single word, puts it down to the local dialect and hopes for more luck with the next patient.
“Excuse, can you tell me what you are here for?”
The patient replies: “Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it.”
This continues with the next patient: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie!”
“Well,” the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
“Oh no,” the Scottish doctor corrects him, “this is the serious Burns unit.”
What’s the difference between a Scottish funeral and a Scottish wedding?