The Man of my Dreams (6 page)

I woke in the morning feeling a little better . . . until I stood up. Immediately I was back to hugging the toilet again. I rang work and told them I had food poisoning or a stomach bug and wouldn’t be in today. Maria rang a little while later.

She was right. I'd been tired and vomiting and God knows if my period was overdue or not. Just great, wouldn't that just be my luck? The guy knocks me up and then leaves me because he doesn’t want to have kids. Or maybe . . . ? No! That was crazy! My dark haired man wasn’t real and unless this was a phantom pregnancy, it would have to be Paul’s. That was, if I was pregnant at all.

The chemist was really busy and I was having trouble finding the home pregnancy tests. I finally grabbed one and took it to the counter. Why did I feel so self-conscious? It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong, but I felt almost guilty as if everyone was looking at me. God, I was 33, not 15, so why was this such a big deal? No one here even knew me.

I took the test out of the box and read the instructions. I'd never taken a pregnancy test before. Okay, pee on the end bit, put the cap on . . . and wait. The results should show within three minutes. That was easy enough. The plus sign came up almost immediately. Positive.
God what was I going to do now?
I couldn’t tell Paul. I'd just gotten over him and he'd made it quite clear he didn’t want children. Could I do this myself? I was scared, but also a little excited. I'd always wanted kids and by a strange twist of fate, I was finally going to be a mother. I put my hand on my stomach.

“My baby," I whispered.
Yes, I could do this.

Chapter 9

Recurring Dreams

“This is my baby. He didn’t want kids remember? I can do this myself. My parents left me enough money and I can support myself. I don’t need a man."

It wasn’t entirely true. I missed my dream lover so much, but knowing now I had a child growing inside me helped somewhat to ease the pain. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I thought constantly about my pregnancy. I'd wanted a baby so much with Paul . . . but he obviously didn't reciprocate those feelings. And so he left me. Now I was pregnant and felt as if I'd been given a second chance. I was going to grab it with both hands! Destiny—that is what it was.

Maria didn’t seem convinced and looked at me as if I was crazy. Unlike me, she wasn’t the least bit maternal and could think of nothing worse than having a snot nosed brat running around. We talked a bit more and then Maria left me with my thoughts. I felt content and in control, convinced I could do this on my own.

I daydreamed about my dark haired man holding our baby and smiling, of the two of us cuddling and kissing and watching our baby sleeping. Walking down the street pushing the pram, going to the park, making love . . .
how perfect it would be if he was real. What would I do if he was real?

Of course, he wasn’t. I couldn’t go through life living in a dream world. I had to snap out of it and start thinking about me and my baby. I needed to focus on what was real.

Tomorrow was late night shopping in the city, so I decided to start looking at things for the nursery. Yes, it was a bit early to start shopping for the baby, but looking and planning couldn’t hurt. It gave me something else to focus on instead of . . . Him. Him with his dreamy eyes and gorgeous smile, I could picture him now, so beautiful. If I closed my eyes, I could feel him close, breathing on my neck. I could feel his arms around my waist.
God, I wanted him back. How could he leave me like this?

I decided to go to bed. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t get him out of my head if I tried. We were connected somehow and deep in my soul I was sure he was real. How could he not be? I could still feel him and smell him. Everywhere I went I felt him close. It was so unfair. He left my dreams but was still haunting me, invisible arms embracing me and invisible lips kissing my neck.
How can I forget you when you won’t let me?
I lay on my bed and started to sob. I was so confused. Was I losing my mind?

I'm sorry you're sad,
whispered a familiar voice.
I left because I think maybe I'm doing more harm than good. I've always been present, helping you when your parents died. Then again, when your boyfriend left. But now I know we could never be. This is no life for you and you could never love me if you knew what I was . . . knew the truth.

He was suddenly beside me, head in his hands and looking so sad. My heart ached and I wanted so badly to hold him and say it was okay. I would always love him, no matter what. But something in his tone disturbed me and I wondered what this big secret was. How could he be anything but good? He was so loving and kind, not to mention drop dead gorgeous! I stood up and wrapped my arms around his neck, declaring my feelings.

I love you and I think we both know that I can't go back. I can’t forget you and move on . . . you are part of me now.

He raised his head and looked into my eyes. I melted inside. There was such sorrow in his look, mixed with longing. Longing to be loved. Longing to be accepted. I could see the inner turmoil. He wanted so much to love me but was afraid—afraid of what that would mean.

Please,
I begged, burying my head into his chest.
Don’t leave me again. I cannot bear to be without you!

He looked utterly dejected and said,
My heart is breaking, but it could never work. We're from different worlds and we don’t fit into each other’s lives. I can’t come into yours and I could never ask you to be part of mine.

Don’t shut me out! Please let me in!
I cried.
Don’t you understand? I need you. You've been with me through every tragedy in my life, since I was 17. How could I live without you now?

I've been around longer than that,
he said.
We're linked you and I, and I don't know how to break the chain that connects us. But I must try, or I fear you'll be destroyed by what you find.

He turned to walk away, but I grabbed him and flung myself against him. I didn't understand. He obviously loved me, so why did he have to leave? Why couldn’t he just tell me? He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, kissing my hair. I could hear his heart beating and lifted my head to look into his eyes. I think at that moment I knew I would forgive him anything if only he would kiss me. As if reading my thoughts again he bent his head and kissed me softly on the lips.

I will always love you,
he said.
It's a matter of being cruel to be kind, so to speak. There are things about me you cannot know. I'm destined to be alone for ever.

He moved his hand to my stomach and smiled.

I've given you a gift my love. Please do not blame this child for what his father has become. Do not let the sins of the father fall onto his son. For he is innocent like you.

The alarm in my queasy belly went off. Great timing, as usual. I got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom.
What did he mean? How could he possibly be this baby’s father?
It made me a darn sight happier to think of him as the father than Paul!
Quick shower, breakfast and then off to work.
How I was going to concentrate at work today was beyond me!

Chapter 10

Rude Awakenings

I was still feeling a little queasy but found that ginger and vitamin B6 eased it a little. I arrived at work five minutes late and got a scowl from the Ward Sister. Apologising, I quickly put my bag in the smoko room and headed back to the Nurse's Station.

I wanted to see her before she left. Something about Jenny’s story seemed so familiar and I thought maybe if I talked to her some more it might shed some light on why. I assigned myself to be her "checking out" person and headed off to see her.

She was happy to be going home.

“How are you today?” I asked. “Have you organised someone to pick you up later?”

She smiled and nodded. “My mum will be here after lunch. I feel so happy to be alive, you know, and it's all thanks to the Ghost. I honestly hope the police never figure out where he came from.”

I agreed. The Ghost was doing a good job at cleaning up the streets. Jenny seemed so happy now, especially knowing the man who had attacked her was dead and no longer a threat.

“I owe him my life, not to mention stopping that man from . . . ” She stopped and looked at me.

There was no need to say the words. As women, we both knew the fear of being raped.

“For some reason, Jenny, I have a feeling of de javu when you tell your story. I'm not sure why, but I have this niggling deep down that I've heard or seen something to do with this guy.”

I was very curious about her case. Why I felt so connected to it, I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the fact that I'd survived a crash and, like Jenny, ended up at this hospital with no explanation of how I got here. Did the Ghost have something to do with saving me from the car accident that killed my parents? Now I was getting curious.

I went to the file room and found Jenny’s records. I read her statements about the attack and her account of blacking out and waking up at the hospital, so similar to my own experiences. I couldn’t remember the car accident and only recalled waking up in this very same hospital. I wonder? I started to search for my own file. I read about how I had no next of kin as both my parents were deceased, and how the hospital staff had found me on the front steps, unconscious.

Hang on a minute . . . there was another page in here.
But I couldn’t remember ever being in hospital before. It was 20 years ago. How could I not know about this? I began reading the page.

“Repeatedly raped, strangled by stepfather . . .”

This couldn’t be me! I never had a stepfather and I'd never been raped or strangled! But the document had my name on it and date of birth. I stared at the page in disbelief. What the hell was going on?

Chapter 11

Past Life

My head was spinning. What was going on? I'd never been “almost” murdered and my parents had still been happily married and together when they died. It must be a mistake. Yet my name and birth date were accurate and deep inside me I knew something wasn’t right. How could I find out now? Both my parents were dead. I kept staring at the paper in front of me. It couldn’t be me. Surely I'd remember something so horrible happening in my childhood? I tried to think, but my ears were ringing and I had to sit down. Could it be me? How could I not know about this? How could I have been raped and strangled and have no memory of it? I felt dizzy and numb all over. Had my parents broken up at one stage? Had mum remarried, this time to a monster? None of this made any sense. One thing was certain, though. I was damn well going to find out!

“What do you mean your file? From when you were in the accident? Why would you want to dredge all that up again, Hun? Nothing good can come of looking at things so morbid.”

She had that worried look on her face, one I'd seen so many times over the past few weeks.

“Read it,” I said sternly, picking up my coffee and taking a sip.

She looked at me, realizing I was deadly serious. She started to read the paper in front of her—the one from many years earlier when I'd been sexually abused and strangled by a stepfather who didn’t exist. She read in total silence, then looked up at me with horror in her eyes.

“This can’t be right! You had a wonderful childhood and your parents surely would have told you if anything like this had happened?”

“That's what I thought at first, too, but look at the name and birth date. I'm going to investigate, Maria. I have to know the truth.”

For once in her life Maria was speechless. The silence seemed to last for ages until finally she broke it.

“You should ask Moyra. She's worked at this hospital for over 20 years. A case like this would surely stick in her mind. She might remember something.”

I jumped up from the table and ran over to Maria, giving her a big hug and kissing her on the cheek.

“What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that? Moyra would certainly remember, and we know what a big gossip she is. She won’t be able to keep it to herself. Oh thank you Maria, I knew you'd help me!”