The Man You'll Marry (14 page)

It was too difficult to explain. Rather than make the effort, she merely shook her head and stood, almost toppling her chair in her eagerness to escape.

“Jill.” Shelly stood, too.

“I have to go now….”

“Jill, what’s wrong? My goodness, I’ve never seen you like this. Tell me.”

Jill shook her head again and hurried into the living room. “I brought back the wedding dress. Thank your aunt Milly for me, but I can’t…wear it.”

“You brought back the dress?” Shelly sounded as though she was about to break into tears herself. “Oh, Jill, I wish you hadn’t.”

Jill didn’t stay around to argue. She rushed out the front door and to her car. Her destination wasn’t clear until she reached Ralph’s apartment. She hadn’t planned to go there and wasn’t sure what had directed her there. For several minutes she sat outside, collecting her thoughts—and gathering her courage.

When she’d composed herself, blown her nose and
dried her eyes, she walked to his front door and rang the doorbell. Ralph answered, looking pleased to see her.

“Good morning. You’re out and about early. I was just getting ready to leave for work.”

She forced a smile. “Have you got a minute?”

He nodded. “Come on in.” He paused and seemed to remember that they were now an engaged couple. He leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips across her cheek.

“I should have phoned first.”

“No. I was just thinking that this afternoon might be a good time for us to look at engagement rings.”

Jill guiltily dropped her gaze and her voice trembled. “That’s very sweet.” She could barely say the words she had to say. “I should explain…the reason I’m here—”

Ralph motioned her toward a chair. “Please, sit down.”

Jill was grateful because she didn’t know how much longer her legs would support her. Everything seemed so much more difficult in the light of day. She’d been so confident before, so sure she and Ralph could make a life together. Now she felt as though she were walking around in a heavy fog. Nothing was clear, and confusion greeted her at every turn.

She took a deep breath. “There’s something I need to explain.”

“Go ahead.” Ralph sat comfortably across from her.

She was so close to the edge of the chair she was in danger of slipping off. “It’s only fair you should know.”
She hesitated, thinking he might say something, but when he didn’t, she continued, “I met a man in Hawaii.”

He nodded gravely. “I thought you must have.”

His intuition surprised her. “His name…Oh, it doesn’t matter what his name is. We went out a couple of times.”

“Are you in love with him?” Ralph asked outright.

“Yes,” Jill whispered slowly. It hurt to admit, and for a moment she dared not look at Ralph.

“It doesn’t seem like a lot of time to be falling in love with a man. You were only gone a week.”

Jill didn’t tell him Jordan was in Hawaii only three days. Nor did she mention the two brief times she’d seen him since. There was no reason to analyze the relationship. It was over. She’d made certain of that when she told him she was marrying Ralph. She’d never hear from Jordan again.

“Love happens like that sometimes,” was all she could say.

“If you’re so in love with this other guy, then why did you agree to marry me?”

“Because I’m scared and, oh, Ralph, I’m sorry. I should never have involved you in this. You’re a wonderful man and I care for you, I really do. You’ve been a good friend and I’ve enjoyed our times together, but I realized this morning that I can’t marry you.”

For a moment he said nothing, then he reached for her hand and held it gently between his own. “You don’t need to feel so guilty about it.”

“Yes, I do.” She was practically drowning in guilt.

“Don’t. It took me about two minutes to realize something was troubling you last night. You surprised me completely when you started talking about getting married.”

“I surprised you?”

“To be honest, I assumed you were about to tell me you’d met someone else and wouldn’t be seeing me anymore. I’ve known for a long time that you’re not in love with me.”

“But I believed that would’ve changed,” Jill said almost desperately.

“That’s what I figured, too.”

“You’re steady and dependable, and I need that in my life,” she said, although the rationale sounded poor even to her own ears. True, if she married Ralph she wouldn’t have the love match she’d always dreamed about, but she’d told herself that love was highly overrated. She’d decided she could live without love, live without passion—until Jordan showed up on her doorstep. And this morning, Shelly had told her what she already knew. She couldn’t marry Ralph.

“You’re here because you want to call off the engagement, aren’t you?” Ralph asked.

Miserably, Jill nodded. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. That’s the last thing I want.”

“You haven’t,” he said pragmatically. “I figured you’d call things off sooner or later.”

“You did?”

He grinned sheepishly. “You going to marry this other man?”

Jill shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“If you do…”

“Yes?” Jill reluctantly raised her eyes to his.

“If you do, would you consider subletting your apartment to me? Your place is at least twice as big as mine, and your rent’s lower.”

Despite everything, Jill started to laugh. Leave it to Ralph, ever practical, ever sensible, to brush off a broken engagement and ask about subletting her apartment.

The week that followed was one of the worst of Jill’s life. She awoke every morning feeling as though she hadn’t slept. She was depressed and lonely. Several times she found herself close to tears for no apparent reason. She’d be reading a prescription and the words would blur and misery would grip her heart with such intensity she’d be forced to swallow a sob.

“Jill,” her supervisor called early Friday afternoon, walking into the back room where she was taking her lunch break. “There’s someone out front who wants to talk to you.”

It was unusual for anyone to visit her at work. She immediately feared it was Jordan, but quickly dismissed that concern. She knew him too well. She was out of his life. The instant she’d told him she was engaged to Ralph, he’d cut her out, surgically removed all feeling for her. It was as if she no longer existed for him.

But as she’d been so often lately, Jill was wrong. Jordan stood there waiting for her. His gaze was as hard
as flint. Something flickered briefly in the smoky-gray depths, but whatever emotion he felt at seeing her was too fleeting for Jill to identify.

She’d had far less practice at hiding her own feelings, and right now, they were wreaking havoc with her pulse. With great effort she managed to remain outwardly composed. “You wanted to speak to me?”

A nerve twitched in his jaw. “You might be more comfortable if we spoke elsewhere,” he said stiffly.

Jill glanced at her watch. She had only fifteen minutes of her lunch break left. Time enough, she was sure, for whatever Jordan intended. “All right.”

Wordlessly, he walked out of the drugstore, obviously expecting her to follow, which she did. He paused beside his car, then turned to face her. A cool, disinterested smile slanted his mouth.

“Yes?” she said after an awkward moment. She folded her arms defensively around her middle.

“I need you to explain something.”

She nodded. “I’ll try.”

“Your friend Shelly Brady was in to see me this morning.”

Jill groaned. She hadn’t talked to Shelly since the morning she’d dropped off the wedding dress. Her friend had phoned several times and left messages, but Jill hadn’t had either the energy or the patience to return the calls.

“How she managed to get past security and my two assistants is beyond me.”

It was a nightmare come true. “What did she say?” As if Jill needed to know.

“She rambled on about how you were making the worst mistake of your life and how I’d be an even bigger fool if I let you. But, you know, if you prefer to marry Roger, then that’s your prerogative.”

“His name is Ralph,” she corrected.

“It doesn’t make any difference to me.”

“I didn’t think it would,” she said, keeping her gaze lowered to the black asphalt of the parking lot.

“Then she started telling me this ridiculous story about a legend behind a certain wedding dress.”

Jill’s eyes closed in frustration. “It’s a bunch of nonsense.”

“It certainly didn’t make too much sense, especially the part about the dress fitting her and her marrying Mark. But she insisted the dress also fits you.”

“Don’t take Shelly seriously. She seems to put a lot of credence in that dress. Personally, I think the whole thing’s a fluke. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“
Then
she told me an equally ridiculous tale about a vision she had of you in Hawaii and how happy you looked. It didn’t make any more sense than the rest.”

“Don’t worry,” she said again. “Shelly means well, but she doesn’t understand. The wedding dress is beautiful, but it isn’t meant for me. The whole thing is ridiculous—you said so yourself, and I agree with you.”

“That’s what I thought—at first. A magic wedding
dress is about as believable as a talking rabbit. I don’t have any interest in that kind of fantasy.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I remembered something. You had a wedding dress with you in Hawaii. When I asked you about it, you said a friend had mailed it to you. Then, this morning, Shelly arrived and told me why she’d sent you the dress. She told me the story of her aunt Milly and how she’d met her husband. She also said Milly had mailed the dress to her and she’d fallen into Mark Brady’s arms.”

“Did she leave anything out?” Jill asked sarcastically.

He ignored her question. “In the end I phoned Mark and asked him about it. I don’t know Brady well, but I assumed he’d be able to explain the situation a little more rationally.”

“Shelly does tend to get a bit dramatic.”

“That’s putting it mildly.”

“I just wish she hadn’t said anything to you.”

“I imagine you do,” he remarked dryly.

“What did Mark say?”

“We talked for several minutes. By this time Shelly was weeping and nearly hysterical, convinced she was saving us both from a fate worse than death. Mark was kind enough to inject a bit of sanity into the discussion. What it boiled down to is this.”

“What?” Jill wasn’t purposely being obtuse.

“Me confronting you. I’m here to ask you about Aunt Milly’s wedding dress.”

He could ask her whatever he wanted, but she didn’t have any answers.

“Jill?”

She heaved a sigh. “I returned the dress to Shelly.”

“She explained that, too. Said you’d brought it back the morning after my visit.”

“It wasn’t meant for me.”

“Not true, according to Shelly…and Mark.” He remained standing where he was, unwilling to divulge his own feelings.

“So you’re going to go ahead and marry Roger.”

“Ralph.”

“Whoever,” Jordan snapped.

“No!” she shouted, furious with him, furious with Shelly and Mark, too.

A moment of shocked silence followed her announcement. Several feet separated Jill from Jordan, and although neither of them moved, they suddenly seemed much closer.

“I knew that,” he said.

“How could you possibly know?” Jill hadn’t told anyone yet. Not Shelly and certainly not Jordan.

“Because you’re marrying me.”

A
ll of Jill’s defenses came tumbling down. She’d known they would from the moment she’d walked out of the lunchroom and confronted him. Known in the very depths of her soul that he’d eventually have his way. She didn’t have the strength to fight him anymore.

He must have sensed her acquiescence because he moved toward her, pausing just short of taking her in his arms. “You will marry me, won’t you?” The words were gentle yet insistent, brooking no argument.

Jill nodded. “I don’t want…don’t
want
to love you.”

“I know.” He reached for her then, drawing her into his embrace as though he were comforting a child.

It should have eased her mind that settling into his arms felt more natural than anything she’d done in the past week. A feeling of welcome. A feeling of rightness. And yet there was fear.

“You’re going to break my heart,” she whispered.

“Not if I can help it.”

“Why do you want to marry me?” The answer evaded her. A man like Jordan could have his pick of women. He had wealth and prestige and a dozen other attributes that attracted far more sophisticated and beautiful women than Jill.

The air between them seemed to pulse for a long moment before Jordan answered. “I’ve done some thinking about that myself. You’re intelligent. Insightful. You feel things deeply and you’re sensitive to the needs of others.” He traced a finger along the line of her jaw, his touch light. “You’re passionate about the people you love.”

She should’ve been reassured that he seemed to know her so well after such a short acquaintance, but she wasn’t. Because she knew that for a time she’d be a pleasant distraction. Their marriage would be like a toy to him. Then gradually, as the newness wore off, she’d be put on a shelf to look pretty and brought down when it suited his purposes. His life, his love, his personality, would be consumed by the drive to succeed, just the way her father’s had been. Everything else would fade into the background, eventually to disappear. Love. Family. Commitment. Everything that was important to her would ultimately mean nothing to him.

“I want us to marry soon,” Jordan whispered.

“I—I was hoping for a long engagement.”

Jordan’s eyes were adamant. “I’ve waited too long already.”

Jill didn’t understand what he meant, but she didn’t
question him. She knew Jordan was an impatient man. When he wanted something, he went after it with relentless determination. Now he wanted
her
—and heaven help her, she wanted him.

“A bride should be happy,” he said, tucking his hand under her chin and raising her face to his. “Why the tears?”

How could she possibly explain? She loved him, although she’d fought it with everything she had. She’d been willing, for a time, to consider marrying Ralph in her effort to drive Jordan from her life. Yet even then she’d known it was useless and of course so had Ralph. Nothing could save her. Her heart had been on a collision course with Jordan’s from the moment she’d been assigned the seat next to his on the flight to Hawaii.

“I’ll be happy,” she murmured, silently adding
for a while
.

“So will I,” Jordan said, his chest expanding with a breath and then a sigh that seemed to come all the way from his soul.

The small private wedding took place three weeks later in Hawaii at the home of Andrew Howard. Shelly was Jill’s matron of honor and Mark stood up for Jordan. Elaine Morrison was there, too, weeping through the entire ceremony. But these weren’t tears of joy. Her mother, like Jill, recognized Jordan’s type and feared what it meant for her daughter’s life, her happiness.

“Jill,” Elaine had pleaded with her earlier that morning, before the wedding. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Jill had nearly laughed aloud. With all her heart, with all her being, she longed to be Jordan’s wife. And yet, if the opportunity had availed itself, she would’ve backed out of the marriage.

“He needs me.” Repeatedly over the past few weeks, Jill had been reminded how much Jordan did need her. He didn’t realize it himself, of course, not on a conscious level, but something deep inside him had acknowledged his need. And in her own way, Jill needed him.

Andrew Howard had seen that they belonged together. He’d been the first one to point it out to Jill. From the time Jordan was a child, his life had been devoid of love. As an adult he’d closed himself off from emotion; he’d refused to allow himself to become vulnerable. That he should experience something as powerful as love for her in so short a time was close to a miracle. But then, Jill was becoming accustomed to miracles.

“All I want is your happiness,” her mother had gone on to say, her eyes, so like Jill’s, blurred with tears. “You’re my only child. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did.”

Could loving someone ever be a mistake? Jill wondered. Her mother had loved her father, sacrificed herself for him even though, as the years went on, he’d barely seemed to reciprocate her love. And when he died prematurely, without warning, she’d become lost and miserable.

Jill knew she loved Jordan enough to put aside her fears, to bind herself in a relationship that might ulti
mately cause her pain. But she vowed she wouldn’t lose her own identity. She wouldn’t, couldn’t, let Jordan’s personality swallow her own.

He hadn’t understood that in the beginning, despite her attempts to explain it. To him, Jill’s desire to continue working after their marriage seemed utterly foolish. For what purpose? he’d asked. She didn’t need the income; he’d made certain of that, lavishing her with gifts and more money than she could possibly spend. Her insistence on continuing her job resulted in their first real argument. But in the end Jordan had reluctantly agreed.

Andrew Howard had gone to a great deal of trouble to arrange their wedding, warming Jill’s heart with his generosity. She’d come to understand that the older man looked upon Jordan as the son he’d lost. He was more than a mentor, far more than a friend. He was the only real family Jordan had—until now.

Flowers filled every room of Andrew’s oceanfront home, their fragrance sweet in the summer air. An archway of orange blossoms stood outside on the lush green lawn that overlooked the roaring ocean. A small reception and dinner were to follow. Tables laid with white linen tablecloths were placed around the patio.

The warm wind whispered over Jill as Andrew Howard came to escort her into the sunshine where Jordan was waiting. Andrew paused when he saw her, his eyes vivid with appreciation. “I’ve never had a daughter,” he said softly, “but if I did, I’d want her to be just like you.”

Tears of love and gratitude gathered in her eyes. Her mother, fussing about Jill, arranged the long, flowing train of the dress, then slowly straightened. “He’s right,” Elaine said, stepping back to examine Jill. “You’ve never looked more beautiful.”

It was the dress, Jill thought. The dress and its magic. She ran her glove along the bodice with its Venetian lace and row upon row of delicate pearls. The high collar was adorned with pearls, too, each one sewn on by hand. The skirt flared from her waist, the hem accentuated with a flounce of lace and wide satin ribbons.

Andrew Howard stood beside her mother as the minister asked Jordan and Jill to repeat their vows. Jill’s gaze met Jordan’s as she made her promises. Her voice, although low, was steady and confident. Jordan’s eyes held hers with a look of warmth, of tenderness.

A magic wedding dress? The scenario seemed implausible. Yet here they were, standing before God, their family and friends, declaring their love for each other.

“You look so beautiful,” Shelly told Jill shortly after the ceremony. “Even more beautiful than the day you first tried on the dress.”

“My hair wasn’t done and I didn’t have on much makeup and I—”

“No,” Shelly interrupted, squeezing Jill’s fingers, “it’s more than that. You hadn’t met Jordan yet. It’s complete now.”

“What is?”

“Everything,” Shelly explained with characteristic
ambiguity. “Aunt Milly’s wedding dress, you and Jordan. Oh, Jill,” she whispered, her eyes brimming with tears, “you’re going to be so happy.”

Jill wanted to believe that—how she wanted to believe it!—but she was afraid. So afraid of what the future held for her and Jordan.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Shelly said, dabbing her eyes. “I loved Mark when I married him. I’d loved him for months, but deep down I wondered how long a marriage between us could last. We’re totally different.”

Jill smiled to herself. Shelly was right; she and Mark
were
different, but they were perfectly matched, balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

“I was sure my lack of domestic skills would drive Mark crazy, and at the same time I thought the way he organizes everything would kill our relationship. Did you know that man makes lists of lists? Even before I walked to the altar, I was worried this marriage was doomed.”

“It’s been all right, though, hasn’t it?”

Shelly smiled. “It’s been so easy—love does that, you know. Love takes something that’s difficult and makes it feel so effortless. You’ll understand what I mean in a few months.”

Unfortunately Jill shared little of her friend’s confidence. She was delighted that things had worked out between Shelly and Mark, but she didn’t expect that kind of happiness for her and Jordan.

“When you think about it, it’s not all that surprising,”
Shelly had gone on to say. “Take Aunt Milly and Uncle John for example. She’s educated and idealistic, and John, bless his heart, was a realist and a mechanic with a grade-school education. Yet he was so proud of her. He loved her until the day he died.”

“Mark will always love you, too,” Jill said, smoothing the satin of the wedding dress.

“Jordan feels the same way about you.”

Jill’s heart stopped. It hit her then, for perhaps the first time—Jordan loved her. His love had guided Jill through her uncertainty. It had helped her understand what had led her to this point, helped her look past her mother’s tears and her own doubts.

The small reception and dinner held immediately after the ceremony featured a light, elegant meal and a festive atmosphere. Jill met several of Jordan’s business associates, who seemed both surprised and pleased for them. Even the Lundquists put in a jovial appearance, although Suzi was absent.

When it came time for them to leave, Jill kissed Andrew Howard’s cheek and thanked him once more. “Everything’s been wonderful.”

“I lost my only son,” he reminded her, his eyes momentarily aged and sad. “For years I’ve hungered for a family. After my wife died, and even before, I shut myself away, locked in my grief, and watched the world go on without me.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Jill told him. “Your work—”

“True enough,” he said, cutting her off. “For a while I was able to bury myself in my company, but two years ago I realized I’d wasted too much of my life struggling with this grief. Soon afterward I decided to retire.” His gaze wandered away from Jill and toward her mother, and he smiled. “I think the time might be right for me to make other changes, take the next step. What do you think, my dear?”

Jill smiled, too. Her mother needed someone like Andrew. Someone to teach her that love didn’t always mean pain.

“I’d forgotten what it was like to be young,” he said, now smiling easily. “I’ve known Jordan nearly all his life. I’ve watched him build a name for himself and admired his cunning. He’s good, Jill. But he’s a man without a family, and I suspect I see a lot of myself in him. The thought of him growing old and disillusioned with life troubled me. I want him to avoid the mistakes I made.”

Funny how her mother had said basically the same thing to Jill a few hours earlier. “There are certain mistakes we each have to make,” Jill returned softly. “It’s the only way we seem to learn, painful as it is.”

“How smart you are,” Andrew said, chuckling. “Much too clever for your years.”

“I love him.” Somehow it was important Mr. Howard know that. “I have no idea whether my love will make a lot of difference, but…”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. It will change him. Love does that, my dear, and he needs you so badly.”

“How can you be sure I’ll have any influence over Jordan’s life? I’m marrying him because I love him, but I don’t expect anything to change.”

“It will. Just wait and see.”

“How do you know that?”

His smile came slowly, transforming his face, brightening his eyes and relaxing his mouth. “Because,” he said, clasping her hand in his own, “because it once changed my life, and I’m hopeful that it will again.” He glanced at her mother as he spoke, and Jill leaned over to give him another quick kiss.

“Good luck,” she whispered.

“Jill,” Jordan called then, approaching her. “Are you ready?”

She looked at her husband of less than two hours and nodded. He was referring to their honeymoon trip, but she…she was thinking about their lives together.

“Hmm,” Jill murmured as the first light of dawn crept into their hotel room. She yawned widely, covering her mouth with both hands.

“Good morning, wife,” Jordan said, kissing her ear.

“Good morning, husband.”

“Did you sleep well?”

Eyes closed, she nodded.

“Me, too.”

“I was exhausted,” Jill told him, smiling shyly.

“No wonder.”

Although her eyes remained closed, Jill knew Jordan
was smiling. Her introduction to the physical aspect of their marriage had been incredible, wonderful. Jordan was a patient and gentle lover. Jill had felt understandably nervous, but he’d been tender and reassuring.

“I didn’t know it could be so good,” she said, snuggling in her husband’s arms.

“I didn’t, either,” he surprised her by saying. His lips were in her hair, his hands exploring her skin. “It’s enough to make a husband think about wasting the morning in bed.”

“Wasting?”
Jill teased, a smile lifting the corners of her mouth. “Surely I misunderstood you. The Jordan Wilcox I’ve met wouldn’t know how to waste time.”