The Mandates (2 page)

SO MANY MEN, SO MANY OPTIONS,
SO MUCH CONFUSION!

To paraphrase that Miguel Brown disco anthem, there are “so many men, so many options!” Options can confuse rather than focus. Based on observations from men interviewed for this book, dating goals range widely from superficial (looks, money, sex, casual hookups) to deep (common interests and companionship) to all points in between. More to the point, many guys either don't know what they want, say they want one thing but pursue something else, or are too paralyzed by options to decide on a goal.

Unless you've been cloistered in a monastery or are a recently “out” dating virgin (we call these newbies), you've encountered guys who have confused, tortured, or mysteriously abandoned you. Maybe you've even been the person responsible for a former date's psychiatrist bills. In either case, some of these typical gay archetypes might ring a bell:

Peter Pan–sexual.
As Andrew, a thirty-two-year-old Princeton grad from New Jersey who runs his own consulting business, said, “I met what I thought was the perfect guy for me. We were a good fit in every way from sexual to social, loved doing the same things, even finished each other's sentences. But, at the end of the day, he wanted to settle down, and I didn't—and still don't—want that. Nothing against it, but I just want a fun guy to hang out with and date, not move in with and settle down.” Andrew wants lots of intimacy and will come on strong, but don't get too close. His little green flying suit is never far, far away.

The poetic “bait and switch” body Nazi.
Bill, an athletic thirty-one-year-old from Minnesota, says, “Having a boyfriend these days is all about your body fat percentage.” His idea of a perfect date is sharing one of those tasteless MET-Rx nutrition bars after a romantic “his and his” caliper test. But in his personal ad, he claims he's interested in “reading, writing poetry, long walks on the beach at night, and guys who take care of themselves emotionally as well as physically.” There is no truth in this advertising.

The young, restless, and clueless.
Aaron, a twenty-four-year-old bartender in Ft. Lauderdale, thinks dating is “all about money, looks, and social status. When guys see I am a bartender, they want a fling but nothing real.” Aaron wants a relationship with a guy around his own age who shares common interests like music and art history, but hasn't found one who takes him seriously. Then again, most of the guys Aaron meets are older and hang out at the bar, where Aaron spends 60 percent of his free time.

Mr. Too Old to Be Looking for Love in All the
Wrong Places.
Kevin, a thirty-eight-year-old association executive, says, “I want a boyfriend to create a life together, not some occasional sex buddy.” Though he attracts enough guys to keep his dating stream steady, the dates consistently fizzle after the first or second one. He isn't sure if he comes off too desperate or too aloof. It's dawning on him that, at his age, he might be looking for love in all the wrong places, like gay bars and clubs, but he doesn't realize that there are alternative meeting places. He's sitting home alone on Saturday nights questioning a new approach before dating anymore.

The “bi-curious” male who's as straight as a circle.
Tim, a thirty-six-year-old lobbyist from Washington, D.C., wants “a guy to fool around with once in a while, somebody who's more like my straight college roommate,” so Tim ends up dumping any guy who exhibits stereotypically gay characteristics from Clinique in the medicine cabinet to a fondness for dance music. He meets lots of gay guys at the gym and through work, but he's quick to point out that dating isn't satisfying. Though he can't see himself actually dating a guy, he still craves the sex long after any “curiosity” should have been satisfied. Tim is typical of many gay men who say they are bi-curious, just experimenting, or want a guy who's “straight acting,” which usually just means they dislike themselves.

From the “young, restless, and clueless” to the “too old to be looking for love in all the wrong places,” you'll encounter many different types of guys. One guy wants to date so he can find a life partner, the sooner the better. Another guy wants to find his match for “no strings” hookups. Many want to break bad patterns and just eliminate psychos from their comfortable, casual dating repertoire. Understand what motivates you so that you can understand what motivates him! As you learn more about yourself, and your nature, you'll understand your dates better.

Forget the psychobabble for just a minute, and face one fact: gay or straight, men are men. Successfully dating a man, when you
are
a man, takes special skills, insight, and understanding that this book aspires to provide.

So if you're gay, throw out whatever dating rules you've heard. Most make no sense for gay men since they were created to give women a leg up, so to speak, on straight men. Their success depends on a woman's ability to trick a man into total surrender and holy matrimony. The dating rules you've heard are all about gender differentiation. Not much help for you, are they?

What makes sense, however, is for gay men to learn through other gay men's dating experiences. Sharing our common “war” stories is one of the benefits from gay men coming out in droves since the 1970s. Maybe that's why I refer to
The Mandates
as “lessons learned from the frontlines of gay dating.” Learning these funny and true rules will help you gain perspective on your dating goals, target your best type, weed out losers earlier, and avoid common pitfalls.

PART I

The 25 MANdates

1

LET YOUR EYES SAY EVERYTHING YOUR MOUTH SHOULDN'T— FOLLOWING THE RULES OF BODY LANGUAGE

Everyone who's ever been on a bad date (can I see a show of hands please?) knows about common body-language signs and what they mean. Crossed arms. Eyes averted. Fidgety hand movements. Bodies contorted and shifted in opposite directions, as if repellent magnetic forces were at work.

Body language can be a powerful communications tool. If you believe behavioral science studies, upwards of 80 percent of all communication is nonverbal. All you have to do is look to the animal kingdom to see how rules of attraction are acted out via body language. Male peacocks show their colorful plumes. Lions fight each other to show sheer brute strength. Wall Street brokers reach deep in their pockets to draw their American Express Gold Cards to pay for the costly pre-mating meal at Nobu.

Male and female courting rituals have always included these nonverbal signs of attraction. Awkward behavior induced by hormonal surges has affected dating traditions forever. Traditionally, men have been the pursuers, the hunters. Women have been the pursued, the selectors. Nature's explanation of this—that it is most beneficial for the continuation of the species for men to plant their seed as wide and as often as possible, and for women to be selective in choosing the strongest mates—fulfills the straight world's notion of “survival of the fittest” theory.

“Survival of the fittest” takes on a whole new approach in the gay male world—“fittest” becomes more than a metaphor. It means that those with the best faces and physiques have the greatest power. And it means that gay men, while traditionally the hunters, must find a way to be both the hunters and the hunted. Successful hunters cannot be too obvious in their pursuit. The hunted cannot be too fey in their selection. Ah, there's the rub.

To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, “Oh, the extent to which we'll go!” describes what some guys will do in their pursuit of a man. Eric, a handsome thirty-two-year-old sportswriter, developed a crush on Jess, a drop-dead handsome real estate agent, at an open house. As Eric put it, “I met this realtor, and even though I wasn't in the market yet to buy a home, I would've bought a year's supply of Barbie hair clips from this guy. I started frequenting open houses he hosted, regardless of the price range or neighborhood. But, every time he came near me, I could barely look at him.”

Jess was friendly to Eric, but businesslike. Over the next four weeks, Eric thought he was being subtle and cool by just showing up and making small talk so that if things were to develop, they'd have a chance. Sometimes he would casually ask Jess about one of the properties, which ranged from a one-bedroom in the low $100,000 range to a million-dollar town house. Other times, he would be too shy to say anything at all. Maximizing body language does not mean standing frozen like an exhibit at Madame Tussaud's. When he did speak, he fidgeted with his hands like some reject geek from a John Hughes film. And out of shyness, he often averted his eyes whenever Jess answered him directly.

Eric's “pseudo-aggressive” dating strategy didn't work. In fact, Jess the realtor is probably calling Madonna right now to get the name of her antistalking security consultant. Eric should have maximized the first meeting better through more focused eye contact and body language that showed interest, not desperation. Eric's initial efforts should have been all about getting Jess to meet him somewhere more intimate for a drink, so that he could pursue in a focused and personal setting.

Jerry, a thirty-four-year-old single stockbroker from Chicago, had a much different, more successful experience using eye contact and body language. At a bar one night, he practically bore a hole through a hot man every time they passed each other, but the man would never look back. Every time Jerry looked at the guy, he held his gaze for a few seconds, and eventually the object of his lust started glancing back. They continued this dance for about an hour, pacing around the bar like panthers, sizing each other up from every angle amid the smoke and disco.

After a while, they were comfortable enough to be physically near each other, talking to others but with palpable sexual tension between them. They were standing closer, saying everything that needed to be said through body positioning and stance. By the time their eyes locked and they both said hello, they were already in the middle of a conversation that had begun with body language. No one had to make an awkward first move.

They exhibited the perfect attitude blend of “part hunter, part hunted, part wanting, part could-care-less” that always wins when you are on the prowl.

It's essential to maintain interest, but you don't want to come off as needy, desperate, or an immediate sure thing.

John, a thirty-nine-year-old financial analyst from Baltimore, summed up the feelings of several men I spoke with when he said, “It's hard to admit this because I sound so shallow, but as soon as you find out someone is totally interested in you, your level of interest falls a little.” Maybe for men it's one of those unfortunate laws of human nature, like car wreck rubbernecking. It's definitely not helpful in streamlining dating. But that's where using body language can help.

Combat coming off as too interested by using body language to express yourself without giving away too much. Let the excitement build slowly and subtly. Unlike words, body language can rarely be used against you. No one can prove your intent. So you can maintain some mystery as you explore and initiate contact.

Given the laws of human nature, here are seven step-by-step guidelines on how to avoid crashing and burning when you are in hot pursuit:

Don't tell everyone what and whom you are
after.
You do not need the pressure of a gay cheerleading squad “rah-rahing” you on as you make your move. You are not Rocky. This isn't about crowd pleasing.

Cut your losses when it's clear it's going
nowhere.
Take Eric's example as your paradigm; if, after the fourth house, “there ain't nothing goin' on but the rent,” quit stalking the poor guy and move on to greener pastures.

Don't use lines!
To paraphrase advice my grandmother gave me, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up, use a tired, worn-out line on him, and remove all doubt.”

Remember that the word desperation comes
from an ancient Greek term that roughly
translates to “you'll never get laid.”

Remember the first rule of business
negotiations: be willing to walk away from the
table.
Nothing is ever as attractive to a man as a man who is interested and interesting without an agenda.

The eyes have it!
Once you make eye contact, you need to hold it for five seconds. Count it out in your head if this is really hard for you to do at first. But there's no way you are going to pique a man's interest by speedily averting your eyes as if you were caught cheating on an exam.

When it comes to body language, imagine
you are Baryshnikov without the leg warmers.
Use body language to your best advantage by acting as if you are a dancer of the first order. Dancers put all their emotions, feelings, and desires into self-contained movement and body language. Every glance, posture, and gesture tells a story. So when confronted with the Antonio Sabato Jr. look-alike you want to meet, you decide if you want the story to be “I want you now, I will have you, and you will love it” or “I am a complete moron incapable of even cursory, nonshaking interaction, and by the way, I am probably this awkward in bed, too.” The attitude you choose is the one you'll project.