He stared at the empty fireplace for a time, choosing his words with careful consideration. “Rob, Campbell, and I were supposed to go to Indochina to negotiate some contracts. They were going to leave first, and I was supposed to follow a week later. I don’t even remember what was so important I needed to stay in California for an extra week. Probably something stupid,” he said, bitterness lacing his words. “Anyway, the day before Rob and Campbell were supposed to sail, my...my lover’s husband came home unexpectedly, and he was none too pleased to find me in his house with no chaperone.”
Lexie’s face held no reproach. She understood his reputation and didn’t judge him for his past actions. “I can imagine.”
“He discovered nothing untoward,” Nicholas said defensively, though he cringed inwardly to think about what he
had
done to the man’s wife. For the first time, Nicholas understood on a visceral level why his lover’s husband had behaved the way he had. The thought of another man touching Lexie the way he did made him daft. Intellectually, he had been able to grasp why a man might be jealous, but he had always thought himself above such emotions, never thought a woman worth so much trouble. Now he understood. “But he and a couple of his stable lads beat me up pretty good and threw me out a window.”
He paused for a time, staring at his hands. Lexie remained silent, but he felt her watching him. “Well, Mrs. Ferguson summoned my brother as soon as I turned up, and they were so busy taking care of me, Rob missed his ship. I was deemed unfit enough to travel, so Rob decided to take my berth, and purchased the last two berths for his wife and his son. A grand family adventure.”
Lexie sighed, and he raised his eyes to meet hers. Her expression held only sorrow, no reproach. “But something went wrong.”
He nodded. “Their ship got caught in a monsoon in the South China Sea. All souls were lost. Rob, his wife, my nephew...My whole family died that night.”
“Oh, Nicholas,” she breathed, coming to stand in front of him. She put her hands to his face, bent down and kissed him lightly on the mouth. “I’m so sorry.” She paused, her countenance troubled. “You must know what happened isn’t your fault.”
He released a bitter breath of laughter and turned his face away from the pity he neither wanted nor deserved. Her pity should be reserved for his brother, not for the man who killed him. “You think not?” he asked, his heart clenching painfully in his chest. “I was hurt, but not to the extent I needed to stay here to recover. Hell, the day he died, I was playing poker in Sacramento. I could have traveled if I’d wanted to and recuperated on the ship. If I hadn’t been so damn irresponsible, Rob would have sailed out with Campbell, and it would have been
me
on that ship.”
“You know it’s not your fault,” Lexie repeated, her voice so soft he barely heard her over the grief ringing in his ears.
He didn’t merit absolution. More than anyone, she had reason to hate him: he’d won her in a card game, ruined her reputation, and then seduced her. Selfish as always, he made her no promises, and she didn’t seem to expect any. She accepted him for the man he was, and now she offered him forgiveness he hadn’t earned.
He didn’t deserve her or her mercy.
Anger burned hot and bright as he fought the desire to accept what she offered. “Dammit, don’t you understand?” he snarled. “My brother is dead because of me.”
Lexie didn’t seem the least bit perturbed. “Did you sink his ship, then?” she asked. When he did nothing but glare at her, she continued. “Did you know his boat would sink? Of course you didn’t. You didn’t force him to miss his berth the first time, and you didn’t force him to take your place. Did you even ask him to?”
“Of course not.”
“Then how is any of this your fault? He made a choice.”
“He’s dead because I was irresponsible! Because I’ve never been able to resist the lure of a pretty face and got caught! Because I’m so feckless and cavalier I disregard everything else in favor of my own fickle desires. Because I have always lived my entire life like it’s all about me!”
“Maybe you were irresponsible. That doesn’t mean you should bear the responsibility for his death. Everyone makes decisions. He made as many as you did.”
“He never would have put his family in danger!”
“Neither would you. Tell me, if you had suspected a problem with the ship, would you have allowed him—or his family—to get on board?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Then I don’t understand why you continue to punish yourself for something you had no control over.”
“Because I deserve to be punished!” The cold, hard truth exploded from him. “I’m not the only one who thinks I’m to blame. My father did, too.”
Her brows drew together over her nose. “What?”
He shook his head. “Look, Lexie, I’m not a good man, so please don’t try to mollify me with platitudes about my ‘goodness.’ I’m not a good man, but I
am
the luckiest son of a bitch this side of the Mississippi. My father knew that about me.”
“Oh, Nick, whatever he said, you must know he didn’t mean it.”
“You think not?” he demanded. “Everything he said was true. If I were a better man, my brother would still be alive. If I’d had a shred of decency, instead of coveting another man’s wife, Rob would still be alive.”
“But
you
would be dead. Your father wouldn’t want that.”
“No? Because he said as much.”
Tears stood in her dark eyes and the naked pain on her face caused his heart to twist painfully in his chest. She grieved for a man she would never meet, and for a man who didn’t deserve it. “What a horrible thing to say.”
“But true.”
“No, it’s not. I’m sure he regrets his words now.”
Nicholas shrugged and swallowed hard, his fingers itching for his whiskey. “I guess we’ll never know. He killed himself a few months later.”
He heard her sharp intake of breath, and when he looked up, tears spilled down her alabaster cheeks. “Oh, Nick, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he said, waving away her concern, pretending he didn’t feel the sting every time he thought of his father’s parting words.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you don’t care.”
“Maybe I don’t.”
Her lips tightened. “I don’t believe that.”
“What
do
you believe, Miss Markland?”
She perched on the edge of his desk and put her hand over his heart, and his heart pounded the way it did every time she touched him. “I think you care more deeply than you’ll ever admit.” He made a dismissive sound deep in his throat because he couldn’t bring himself to challenge her when her words held the vicious ring of truth. Silence settled between them for a time. Lexie watched him while he carefully avoided her gaze. After a time, she asked, “What about your mother? What does she say?”
“Mother was dying when she gave me the money to invest in Campbell’s company. She passed about four years ago. So when Rob died, my father lost everything.”
Lexie studied him with intelligent, troubled eyes. “Oh,” she breathed. Her dark eyes took in every nuance, every emotion. “I get it. Your brother was worth dying for, but you weren’t worth living for. Is that how you think your father saw it?”
“Maybe.”
“Is that how
you
see it, too?”
That was
exactly
how he saw it. Lexie had just put into words what Nicholas couldn’t have, given a thousand lifetimes. For a year now, he had wished he’d been the one to die instead of his brother, because his life simply wasn’t worth living. “I don’t know.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Take it however you want.” He reached for the whiskey, but she pushed his hand away.
“No, you don’t need that. Drowning your pain in alcohol won’t solve anything, and it won’t help. Unless you want to end up dead like your father or a drunk like mine.”
He hissed at the suggestion. “I’m nothing like your father or mine.”
“No, you’re not. You’re better than both of them.”
Pain seized his chest and left him breathless. “How can you say that?”
She reached out and stroked his face, a touch so tender his heart ached. “Because I see the man you really are. I see that man better than your father did, and certainly better than you do,” she said matter-of-factly. “Would Rob want you to live your life like this?”
He closed his eyes against a grief threatening to overwhelm him. “No.”
“If that’s the case, why would you carry such guilt? Do you honestly think your brother would want this kind of pain for you?”
She was right. Rob never would have wanted him to suffer, never would have wanted him to punish himself night after night. And while Rob wouldn’t have approved of how he had acquired Lexie, he would have liked her, and would have wanted Nicholas to do the right thing by her. She deserved that.
He had laid out for her the very reason she was here with him today. He had been fickle and cavalier, and hadn’t cared about anyone—including himself. Yet she offered him forgiveness. Reflecting back on the night she had come into his life, he realized he had proceeded with the bet because he
wanted
the scandal he thought would ensue. He hadn’t cared about her reputation, but he did care about making his as bad as possible, because he deserved to be shunned.
Only to discover heaven in the arms of the one woman who had every reason to reject him.
“No, he wouldn’t,” Nicholas answered, defeated.
“Then why are you taking all the responsibility? You can say
if only
for the rest of your life.
If only
you hadn’t been caught.
If only
you hadn’t gotten hurt.
If only
he hadn’t taken your place.
If only
there had been fewer berths on the ship.
If only
they had been closer to the port.
If only
there hadn’t been a storm. It’s too much. If you are to blame, then so is your brother and God and everyone on that ship. Your father was wrong to blame you.”
“I understood why he said what he did. If I had been more responsible, Rob never would have been on board.”
“And who would your father have blamed then?
You
would be dead. Your father was hurt and angry and he took it out on you because you accepted the responsibility. Don’t you get it? You’ve made your brother’s death all about
you
, your father made it about
you
, and neither of you made it about who it should have been about.
Rob
. You should have done something together to make him proud. He wouldn’t have wanted your father to tear you apart, and he wouldn’t have wanted to tear you apart, would he?”
“No.” Nicholas wanted to be punished, but Rob never would have demanded retribution. For the first time, Nicholas realized he had been living up to his father’s expectations by throwing himself into the very lifestyle Rob and his father so disapproved of. He’d been proving to God and everyone that his father was right. Even after his father died, he continued to live in the same fashion, punishing his father over and over for the angry words between them. Now his father was gone, and he only continued to hurt himself.
And eventually he’d hurt Lexie. Beautiful, proud Lexie never stood a chance against him. As long as he didn’t acknowledge their relationship, as long as he didn’t do the right thing by her, he continued to hurt her.
She took his face in her hands. “Look at me,” she said. His eyes were heavy with the weight of unshed tears, but he would never be so weak as to cry in front of her. She leaned in as if to kiss him on the lips, and when he closed his eyes, she pressed gentle kisses to his lids, a gesture sweet and filled with so much love his heart ached. Against his will, hot tears escaped, and she wiped them away with a tender brush of her fingertips against his cheek. “I, for one, am very glad you weren’t on that boat. The world wouldn’t be the same for me without you in it.”
In their time together, this was the closest she had come to saying she cared for him. With her body, she showed the depth of her feeling for him, but she never said the words. Now she demonstrated the strength of her emotion by offering him the one thing he had never been able to get for himself. The one thing all the money in the world couldn’t buy him.