I handed over a blue-and-white-patterned plate.
"Enter monk, pursued by squire?" I suggested, paraphrasing one of my favorite Shakespeare stage directions.
"Close, but not quite." Colin debonairly dislodged a large clump of goo from the serving spoon onto the plate. It looked a bit like dog food.
I handed him the second plate. "The local squire didn't much care for his daughter, but he did scent an opportunity to turn a profit. With proper paternal outrage, he stormed over to the monastery—more?"
A laden serving spoon hovered in the air like a phantom hand at a seance. "No, thank you."
"The squire rushed over to the monastery and demanded a strip of land that ran between the abbey and his estate as repayment for loss of his daughter. The monks were not pleased. No one knows quite what happened that night, but the story has it that the monks caught up with the pair in a large field, not far from the abbey."
"What happened then?" I'm a sucker for a good ghost story.
"No one knows for sure," said Colin mysteriously, or as mysteriously as one can while waving a large ladle. "By morning, all that was left was the crumpled hood of a habit, lying discarded on the grass. Of the squire's daughter, there was no trace. But legend has it that he still looks for her on stormy nights, and you can see him, drifting endlessly through the grounds of Donwell Abbey, forever searching for his lost love."
Little prickles ran down my arms, picturing the deserted heath, the pale rays of the moon illuminating their terrified faces… A large blob of something brown appeared in front of my nose.
"Beans on toast?" said Colin prosaically.
It is next to impossible to maintain a ghoulish aura in the presence of beans and toast. It's more effective than waving garlic in front of a vampire.
The ghosts receded into the dusky darkness behind the window while we partook of beans and toast in the well-lit kitchen. Colin assured me it was his one culinary accomplishment.
"If that's a ploy to get me to leave, it's not going to work. Now that I've actually seen the archives, a steady diet of ashes couldn't drive me away."
"Hmm. Point taken. What about a ghastly apparition, all in white, hovering over your bed?"
"Too late. You already told me you don't have any ghosts."
Colin grinned a rakish grin that had an odd effect on the inside of my stomach—at least, I assume it was the grin, and not his culinary efforts.
"Who said I was talking about a ghost?"
Before I had quite puzzled out the ramifications of that statement, the door inched coyly open, and a feminine voice trilled, "Colin… Colin, are you home?"
Colin froze like a fox within sight of the hunt. Catching my eye, he made anxious shushing motions.
"Colin…" The door continued its inexorable swing inward, and a blond braid swung around the edge, closely followed by its owner, a tall girl in tight tan pants and a closely fitted jacket. Catching sight of her quarry, she stepped jauntily into the kitchen, booted heels clicking on the flagstones of the floor, riding helmet swinging from one hand.
"Colin! I thought I'd find you here. When I saw your car in the drive… Oh."
She had caught sight of me, sitting on the other side of the table. The riding helmet stopped mid-swing, and her jaw dropped. The expression didn't do much for her, bringing to mind portraits of some of the more heavy-jawed Hapsburgs. Or Red Riding Hood's wolf. Her teeth were very large, and very white.
"Hello," I said into the silence that followed.
The girl ignored me, her pale eyes fixing on Colin. "I didn't realize you had company."
"There was no reason why you should," said Colin blandly. He set down his fork on the edge of his plate. "Good evening, Joan."
With her mouth back in place, this time pursed in annoyance, the woman was not, I have to admit, entirely unattractive. Her mouth might have been a little thin and her nose a little on the pug side, but the overall effect of high cheekbones, endless legs, and sun-streaked blond hair against perfectly browned skin could have graced a Ralph Lauren advertisement. I was willing to bet that she was one of those annoying people who tan, not burn.
Her eyes, I noticed, were a little on the narrow side and a very pale blue. I don't usually notice people's eye color, but these particular eyes were still fixed on me in a decidedly inimical way.
"You haven't introduced me to your… friend." She looked like she was chewing on the ashes I had volunteered to eat.
"Eloise, this is Joan Plowden-Plugge; Joan, this is Eloise Kelly," provided Colin, lounging back in his chair.
"Hi!" I said brightly.
Joan continued to eye me with the sort of hostility better reserved for large insects that have invaded one's bed.
"Are you a friend of Serena's?" she asked, in the deadly tones of one knowingly asking a losing question.
"Well…" I had once held Colin's sister's head over a toilet bowl while she was violently ill, but I wasn't sure if that quite qualified as making us friends. "Not exactly," I hedged.
Joan looked daggers at me. I looked appealingly at Colin, but he was busy looking at no one in particular, while cultivating a facade of amused indifference. Some help he was. Obviously, I was going to have to take care of this little misapprehension on my own, or, as Shakespeare so eloquently put it, risk a predestinate scratched face.
"I'm a historian," I explained helpfully.
Joan looked at me as though I had just volunteered to introduce her to the Mad Hatter.
Okay, maybe it wasn't the most illuminating statement I could have made. I tried again. "Colin has been very generously allowing me the use of his archives," I clarified.
Joan's face cleared.
"Oh. You study dead people."
Clearly, she was of the Pammy school of history, where Genghis Khan hobnobbed with Louis XIV on Bosworth Field—all wearing hoopskirts. After all, if they weren't in the tabloids last week, it was all olden days, anyway. If it meant that she wasn't going to come after me with her riding crop, I really didn't care if she thought Attila the Hun had been one of the signatories of the Treaty of Versailles.
"You could put it that way. Right now, the dead people I'm studying happen to be related to Colin, so he was kind enough to give me the run of his library."
Libraries were evidently not a subject of abiding fascination to Miss Plowden-Plugge. With a swish of her braid, she dismissed me as an impediment of minimal importance, and returned to Colin. Given her position relative to the table, there was no way she could entirely cut me out of the conversation unless she were to stomp around the side of the table and stand between me and Colin, but she did her best, angling her body to maximize Colin frontage and minimize my presence. In profile, her nose appeared decidedly pug.
She rested her right hand against the table and leaned towards Colin. "How is darling Serena?"
Colin lazily tilted his head in my direction. "How would you say she is, Eloise?"
"You've seen her more recently than I have," I replied in bewilderment.
"But you were the one who took such charming care of her when she was ill the other night." Colin smiled beatifically at me before turning back to Joan, saying in a confidential tone, "We were at a party given by one of Eloise's friends the other night, and Serena felt a bit rough. But Eloise saw to her, didn't you, Eloise?"
There wasn't anything in that statement that one could point to as technically untrue. Pammy had thrown a party, Serena had been taken ill, I had hustled Serena off to the bathroom. Of course, what Colin had neglected to mention was that the party had been a huge PR extravaganza thrown in Pammy's professional capacity, not an intimate little cocktail party; Pammy had invited Serena, along with a whole group of her other old school chums; and I, in my role of Pammy's oldest friend in the world, had been tagging along after Pammy. I had been as surprised to see Colin and Serena as they were to see me. At the time, I had also been laboring under the misapprehension that Serena was Coün's girlfriend, but that was a whole other story.
Put the way Colin had put it, the whole thing did sound pretty damning—and it was clear that Joan was jumping to all the conclusions he wanted her to jump to.
"I thought you were here for the library," she said accusingly.
Colin stretched in that infuriating way men have and rested a casual hand on the back of my chair. It would have been funny if I weren't so miffed; I was sitting far enough away that the tips of his fingers barely brushed the chair back. As it was, he had to scoot slightly sideways in his chair to reach that far.
"Oh, I don't know. Eloise is more of a houseguest, really. Wouldn't you say, Eloise?"
What I wanted to say was unprintable. If there were any family ghosts in residence, I was going to sic them all on him. Headless cavaliers, wailing women in white, you name it. I never liked being the monkey in the middle. Especially when I had not been informed that there was a game in progress.
I directed an acid smile at Colin. "I would never presume."
Colin choked on a laugh. "Yes, you would," he said bluntly. "If there was a historical document in it for you."
Despite myself I started to chuckle. "It would have to be a really, really important historical document."
Thwomp!
Joan's riding helmet smacked down onto the middle of the table between me and Colin, jarring a piece of precariously balanced toast off my plate.
"I'll just be off then, shall I?" she said in saccharine tones. "Colin, you are coming to our little drinks party tomorrow night, aren't you?"
"I don't—" Colin began, but Joan cut him off.
"Absolutely everyone will be there." She began rattling off a list of names, clearly designed to convince Colin that he would be ragingly out of the loop if he didn't don a sport coat and sally forth. I retrieved my toast.
"Nigel and Chloe are coming, and they're bringing Rufus and his new girlfriend. And Bunty Bixler will be there—you do remember Bunty Bixler, don't you, Colin?"
Towards the end, I was convinced she was making up names, just to have more people I wouldn't know. From the look on Colin's face, he didn't recognize half the names, either, and I got the feeling that he wasn't overly fond of Bunty Bixler, whoever that unfortunately named person might be.
Sensing she was losing ground, Joan resorted to desperate tactics. "You can bring—" Joan looked at me blankly.
"Eloise," I provided helpfully.
"—your guest, if you like," she finished, in the tones of one making a great concession. Turning to me, she said hospitably, "Naturally, it won't be terribly amusing for you, not knowing anyone. I suppose you could talk to the vicar. He does enjoy going on about old things.
Churches, and all that." I had been properly relegated to my place, doddering in the corner with the clergy.
After such a gracious invitation, how could I refuse?
"Thank you."
"Of course, if you're too busy in the library…"
I bared my teeth, which weren't nearly as large or white as hers. "I wouldn't miss it."
A muffled snicker emerged from the head of the table.
I looked pointedly at Colin.
"So sorry," he said blandly. "Bean in my throat."
Indeed.
His ill-advised humor had had the well-deserved side effect of refo-cusing Joan's attention on him. "We'll see you tomorrow then, yes? Don't forget, tomorrow night at half-seven."
The kitchen door slapped soundly shut behind her.
I stood, plunking my fork and knife onto my empty plate with a clatter. I had the feeling there was past history there. Colin shifted in his chair behind me.
"No more beans, I take it?"
"No. Thanks." I lifted my plate and carried it to the sink, hearing the thud of hooves fade into the distance. I didn't think the phantom monk of Donwell Abbey would care to mess with her, not in that sort of mood. Outside the kitchen window, true dark had fallen, as it only does in the country. I could see my own reflection against the window, lips thinned in annoyance.
It wasn't any of my business, really.
In the window, I saw Colin approaching, plate in hand. Oh, the hell with that. If he was going to drag me into his amorous misadventures, it was my business. Especially since I was the one running the risk' of being hunted down by an angry Sloane on horseback. I'd rather take the phantom monk. At least the latter would make a better story when I got home.
Plunking plate and cutlery into the sink, I turned so rapidly that Colin nearly ran into me plate first. Objects in the window may be closer than they appear.
Leaning back against the sink to avoid a punctured midriff, I curled my fingers around the metal edge of the basin and said, "Look, I don't mind acting as a human shield, but, next time, a little advance warning would be appreciated."
Or, at least, that's what I meant to say.
What came out was, "I'll do the dishes. Since you cooked."
Damn.
Colin took a step back and made an elaborate sweeping gesture. Having managed to put me on the spot instead of himself, he was in an infuriatingly good humor. "Go along. I'll wash up."
"Are you sure?"
"I don't mind. Go on." He gave me a light shove. "I know you must be eager to get back to the library."
"Well…" There was no disputing that statement.
Colin was already turning the faucets on. "You can cook tomorrow."
"Oh, but you're forgetting." I paused in the doorway. "Tomorrow, you're having drinks with Miss Plowden-Plugge. Good night!"
I swept out of the kitchen into the darkened hallway beyond, hoping I'd be able to find my way to the library. It would entirely spoil my exit if I had to turn around and ask for directions. As long as I could make it to the front hall, I could find my way from there.
It really did get dark in the country, without streetlamps and car headlights and lit storefronts all casting their friendly glow. I felt my way along the hall, one hand on the ribbed wallpaper, the other held warily in front of me, as though to ward off… well, not phantom monks. More small tables and that sort of thing, which have a habit of leaping out at one's shins in unfamiliar hallways. If I did start uncomfortably at a few shadows, and peer a little more closely than necessary through the odd doorway, let's just say I was glad that Colin wasn't there to see.