“What are you thinking about?” I asked him.
“My mother let me play for her like this. When my father died, she wanted to die, too. There was no rain and we lost everything. Then she got very sick and she stopped eating. Every meal I would force her to eat. She stopped being able to see, and then she said that she was already dead and she told me to go to Pushkar and not to come back. But I went back anyway,” he laughed, nodding his head, “and I would play for her because it reminded her of my father. Then before she died she asked me to play the song I was just playing for you, and she started to sing, only quietly, but like she did when there was food to cook, and friends still in the village.”
I was trembling at his closeness. I wanted to lie beside him for the rest of the day, but there was only a short time to enjoy him. His friend approached and stood over us, laughing, then took his bow and began jabbing at Sanjay with it. He stood up and they began arguing.
Finally, Sanjay said the other boy wanted to play for me. He stood silently by the tree. I couldn't understand his expression, whether he felt ashamed of his friend, of me, or of himself. But his friend started to play and tapped his foot as he did. And it was the same melody I'd heard Sanjay play, but with none of the sadness, with a strange mockery instead. And when he finished playing, he reached his hand out to me.
“You don't play as well as him,” I said, looking over at Sanjay's quiet face. Then I stood up to go.
Sanjay walked beside me, apologizing. I told him it didn't matter, that I was tired and wanted to nap.
“I'm going to help you get better,” he said.
I grasped his arm with a strength that surprised me. “You're not going to make me well,” I said. “I'm dying and you're not going to make me well.”
He pulled his arm from my hand and ran off.
By the time I arrived back, I had cramps so severe I couldn't stand straight. I went into the shower room, took off my clothes and let the water run. I stretched out on the floor beneath it. I felt something warm on my leg and it was clotted blood running from my rectum. I wanted to scream but put my hand in my mouth and bit it. I watched the blood disperse in the water and didn't move until the water tank had emptied, and I was shivering. The blood seemed to have stopped but the pains were sharp. I sat on the shower floor, my teeth chattering, praying for the German to come with the opiumâindirectly, it was the first time I'd prayed for medicine.
It was Sanjay who found me, though, and put my arm around his neck, holding me up and carrying me along to the room. He looked astonished over my condition, as though nothing had led up to it, as though he'd never seen me sick before.
“You should go to the hospital,” he said. His eyes were sadder than usual. I imagined him thinking,
Because you won't let me make you well
.
At that moment I wanted to tell him to try, that I would try also, but it was too unfair to do that to him again. His mother had waited too long before she sang with him. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't remember that tune.
“My medicine is coming,” I said. “My friend will be here soon.”
He woke me when the German finally came.
“Thomas,” I said, already delirious with fever, “I can't believe you're here.”
“This is Heinz,” he said, taking my hand. “I don't know if I should give you this.”
“Give it to me,” I said. “It's like morphine, right? That's what they give soldiers when they can't help them.”
He nervously paced the room and asked Sanjay to bring us chai. “I'll mix it in your tea. Drink it fast, it's bitter.”
Sanjay brought the tea and hesitantly left the room when I the German asked him to.
The opium affected me powerfully, but not in the way we'd hoped. It stunned me. I threw up. I was nauseous with the slightest movement and sat still at the edge of the cot.
“Hospital,” was all I said, gasping for breath.
The German paced nervously. I was throwing up in a bucket by the side of the cot, and the smell was pungent, already like a hospital. I think he smelled death on me and that propelled him to action. It wouldn't be easy getting me to Jodhpur, and I knew he was worried that I wouldn't make it. How would he ever explain himself to the authorities, traveling with a long-expired visa and a dead American?
Under the influence of the opium, I didn't make much sense. I remember Sanjay coming into the room, taking out the bucket, and touching my face with his hands. I twisted the ring from my finger, then, and put it in his hand. He was crying when the German finished packing my bag and led me away.
6.
I saw an omen in the streets of Jodhpur. In front of a store I saw a white horse staggering on a mound of trash. It was tied to a post with a tethered rope around its neck. Its front leg looked broken, but it was made to stand by the short length of rope, and seemed to have been in this condition for some time. Something like gangrene had set in, and the horse's flesh was putrid.
I was wheeled into the emergency ward of Mahatma Gandhi Public Hospital. They pressed me to lie down on a rusty stretcher with rubber wheels. The wheels squealed and turned off in odd directions so that the short, nervous intern who was guiding me through the hospital corridors had to run along the sides of it to save us from hitting a wall or one of the many spectators.
I was wheeled into a room where a woman and her daughter were standing. The little girl was weeping, her face pressed into the hot pink fabric of her mother's sari. Behind a green curtain, a man was screaming and crying.
They cleaned me up, brought me into the ward, and put me on an IV for dehydration and malnutrition. The German saw me settled in, a crowd of interns gathered by my bedside, prodding me.
“I apologize,” he said. “I can't stay with you. The hospital will drive me crazy.”
“So will the desert,” I told him.
“Get well,” he said, “and come back to Pushkar.”
In the bed near mine, an old man from a village not far from Jodhpur was connected to tubes. The men of the village had been sleeping on mats around his bed since he'd arrived. Old world loyalty. They'd marveled at the beeping and pumping machines that kept the old man breathing, but an American was even more interesting. They spoke no English but gathered around my bed, smiling and bowing and excitedly talking amongst themselves.
The villagers are trying their turbans on my head, one by one. The fever sweeps over me. I no longer make any sense to them.
“Thomas, let me play,” I say, and the villagers find a place for me at the card table. An intern pushes them aside impatiently. The IV has caused a rash. It feels like worms under my skin.
One of the sisters is crying at the bedside. Sanjay squeezes out a cloth and puts it on my forehead. I know his song, now, and I hear my voice intoning it. The villagers stand at the foot of the bed. They look like a hundred grandfathers. They're patient with me. I keep looking back. I keep stumbling at the start of the desert.
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