The Mill House (16 page)

Chapter Five

The following morning, feeling as wretched as she looked, Julia accepted Josh's offer to take the children to school, and after clearing away the breakfast dishes, she made a fresh pot of coffee before going to call Fionnula Barrington. Having slept so badly, tormenting herself with all kinds of horrors in the early hours, only then to drift off with the dawn, she was now feeling oddly remote, as though much of yesterday was a bad dream she couldn't quite shake. It was perfectly real though, she was aware of that, and with her emotions so exhausted from their struggle through the night, she'd barely managed on autopilot this morning as she'd sorted out the children, discussed what she had to with Josh, and even, weirdly, kissed him before he left. Admittedly, she'd done that more for the children than him, but seeing how much it had surprised and pleased him, she'd almost instantly regretted it, because not for a minute did she want him to think that she was just going

to forget what he'd done. However, nothing could be mentioned with the children around, for she certainly didn't want them to know anything, so she'd merely turned away as he looked at her, letting him know with her eyes that she was even more disgusted this morning than she'd been last night.

Glancing up at the clock, she wondered if it was still too early to ring the solicitor. She'd try anyway, and if she wasn't at her office there was always the mobile. Either way she wanted the call over before Josh came back. She wished he'd go straight into work, because she couldn't see what they'd achieve from being together right now - though she accepted he'd probably want to know the outcome of her call to Ms Barrington, as well as what her mother had said, should she get around to contacting her too.

After three rings Fionnula Barrington herself answered the office line, but since she had an early appointment they were only able to speak for a few minutes, during which Julia fell into calling her Fen, as she insisted, and managed to have most of her more pressing questions answered. In fact, the call turned out to be much less upsetting than Julia had feared, to the point, she realised as she put the phone down, that she was almost glad to have this to deal with rather than waste any precious energy thinking about how much she despised her so-called best friend for being needed now, for it had a power that just wasn't healthy.

Knowing a conversation with her mother would do nothing to improve her frame of mind,

she put off dialling the Gloucestershire number and stood gazing out of the window into the garden. It was a dreary morning, with leaves scudding about the lawn and old rain dropping from the leaves onto the sodden patio. She pictured Josh and the children in the old Peugeot crawling through the morning traffic, arguing about which radio station to have on, or chatting about iPods, cricket, EastEnders or where to go skiing next year. Or maybe they were quiet, worrying about her and what would happen next. She knew Josh had told Shannon and Dan about her father, because they'd given her big hugs this morning and said how sorry they were, but had he told them anything about Sylvia? Of course not. It was absurd even to think it. She wondered if he'd been in touch with Sylvia, to let her know that their secret was out - and the very idea of them having any contact at all, never mind that it was in the form of a warning about her, filled her with such outrage and loathing that she pressed her hands to her head as though to stop it exploding.

Deciding that even speaking to her mother was preferable to tormenting herself like this, she picked up the phone again and dialled the number she'd known practically all her life. Inside her nerves were already starting to churn, making her wonder, not for the first time, what kind of mother could cause her to feel so intimidated. Actually, she knew very well what kind of mother she had, and she was too old now to be this nervous, particularly when she wasn't intending to raise the forbidden subject of her

father just yet. She'd save that little treat for when they were face to face; right now all she needed was to make an appointment. An appointment - with her own mother!

'Mum? It's me, Julia.'

'Oh hello,' came the thin reply. 'How are you?'

'Fine. How are you?'

'Fine. What can I do for you?'

No, how are the children, or how's Josh? Just the implied: I'm in a hurry, so please come to the point. 'I was thinking of coming to see you,' Julia said.

There was a pause. 'Really? How nice. I think I should be free next Wednesday or Thursday. I'll check my diary ...'

'Sooner than that,' Julia interrupted. 'Today, in fact.'

'I'm afraid that's out of the question. My schedule's quite full.'

'I need to talk to you, Mum. Something's happened you need to know about.'

Hostility crackled in Alice's voice as she said, 'Please don't tell me Josh has left you. Well, I can hardly say I blame him, you never were easy to live with .. .'

'He hasn't left me,' Julia cut in, almost shouting. Just imagine turning to such an icicle of a woman for comfort during this difficult time, she was thinking. The very idea was so preposterous it would be laughable if it weren't so bloody depressing.

'Then what is it?' Alice demanded. 'Really, Julia, why do you always have to be so mysterious?'

'I'm not. I just think what I have to tell you would be better said in person.'

'Then it'll have to wait. As I said, I'm busy today.'

'Find a slot, Mother I'll leave here at lunchtime, so try to be there by the time I arrive. If you're not, I'll wait outside in the car.'

Before Alice could object again Julia abruptly rang off, and bit down hard on her anger. Many years had passed since she'd allowed her mother to push and boss her around, but she still ended up feeling shaky and anxious whenever she stood up to her. It made her wonder what on earth she'd done in a previous life to deserve such a monster of a parent. Try to remember, Josh had once said, back in the early days, something must have happened to her to make her that way. On the odd occasion that thought had actually managed to soften her towards her mother, though usually at a distance, for more often than not she detested her for being so cold and unyielding, and so bloody secretive about everything to do with her past.

Anyway, whatever had happened to her, it was clear her younger daughter was never going to make it any better, so Julia had long since stopped trying. And for Josh's voice to step in as mediator now was just plain outrageous, considering the situation they were in thanks to his 'marriage-saving' affair with Sylvia. That he could seriously have thought she'd even begin to find such deranged reasoning acceptable was so shocking it defied belief. Worse still, he actually seemed to believe this ludicrous suggestion himself.

Hearing the front door close and his footsteps on the stairs, she left the phone and went to refill

her cup. 'Would you like some coffee?' she asked as he came into the kitchen.

'Sure.' He waited for her to pour, then took the cup as she passed it. 'So how did you get on with the solicitor?' he asked. 'Have you got hold of her yet?'

'The cremation's on Friday,' she answered. 'The ashes should be buried sometime next week, they're waiting for confirmation from the vicar.'

'Are you going down there?'

'Yes. I'll go today, after I've seen my mother.'

He sipped his coffee. 'Have you told her you're coming?'

'Yes, but she doesn't know what it's about yet.'

He nodded thoughtfully, but made no comment on the wisdom of her decision, even though she knew he'd have his doubts. 'So what about the children?' he asked. 'I take it you've thought about what's going to happen to them while you're away?'

Managing not to rise to it, she said, 'They break up for half-term tomorrow. I expect we can work something out till then.'

His eyes stayed on hers. 'I'm sure my mother will be happy to step in,' he said.

'I'm sure she will.'

Immediately his face darkened. 'You don't have to take that tone,' he snapped. 'In fact, you could try being grateful, since you're the one who's going off and leaving them.'

'For Christ's sake, my father's dead and I want to go to his funeral. Is that too much to ask?'

'No, of course not. I'm sorry.'

His contrition was so complete she couldn't bear to witness it, so turned away.

'And after tomorrow?' he said. 'Shall I drive them down to Cornwall so we can all be together? They've said they'd like to go to the funeral.'

'I don't want to be with you, Josh,' she said. 'Not right now.'

Though the hurt showed in his eyes, his voice was tight as he said, 'So what's new?'

'You've always got Sylvia,' she reminded him nastily.

'Oh, for God's sake.'

'Sorry, I'm forgetting, she won't be here, will she? Or maybe you've got plans to join her in New York.'

'I'm not even going to respond to that,' he said angrily.

'Tell me, when you left me and the children in France, back in the summer, to fly up to Edinburgh, was it to see her?'

'You know why I went.'

'But did you see her? Did she fly up too? And what about the other trips you've made lately? Paris, Amsterdam ...'

'Julia, this isn't getting us anywhere.'

'You are such a bastard,' she told him, wanting to hit him again. 'You were with her, weren't you? No, don't answer, because I can't take any more of your lies.'

Clearly struggling with his own temper, he said, 'So how long are you planning to stay in Cornwall?'

Detesting him for not saying more to refute her suspicions, since it must mean she was right, she felt the pain of it chum in her heart, and wanted to do something desperate, even deranged, to hurt

him too. 'I'm not sure,' she finally heard herself answer. There was no point in attacking him - it wasn't going to make his betrayal go away and would probably just end up somehow backfiring on her. 'Apparently my father's left his house to me, but I've no idea how big or small it is, all I know is it'll need to be cleared and probably sold. Unless I decide to keep it, of course.'

He looked at her hard, and she realised he was afraid she might not come back at all. Well, let him worry, because she sure as hell wasn't going to put his mind at rest, even though she'd never leave the children, nor would she force them to change schools, particularly not at such a critical time for Shannon.

'Why don't you take Shannon with you?' he suggested. 'The break will probably do her good before her mocks.'

Though the idea had already occurred to her, she didn't answer right away.

'I think she needs you at the moment,' Josh told her.

'She needs to be studying.'

'She can do that in Cornwall.'

'What about Dan?' she asked.

'I'll take some time off next week. We can go down to the boat, do some sailing. Hang out together. Unless you'd rather he was with you.'

She would, but Dan would love it, just him and his dad, so she made no objection. Then quite suddenly she didn't know if she could bear to let Dan go. She wanted him with her where he'd be safe, and no-one could hurt him. Realising she was turning into an emotional minefield, where

anything could go off at any minute, she suppressed her moment of panic and drank more coffee.

'If you could delay going until tomorrow,' he said, 'you could take Shannon with you.'

She was shaking her head. 'I don't want her there when I talk to my mother. I'm not even sure I want her to be at the funeral, because frankly I don't know what I'm going to find once I get down there.'

'Then in that case, why don't I drive her down on Saturday, before taking Dan on to Chichester?'

At that moment the phone rang and they both made to answer, but Josh was the closest. He listened to the voice at the other end, then appearing decidedly uncomfortable he passed the receiver over. 'Pauline,' he said.

Taking the phone, Julia watched him go to pour himself more coffee. Neither of them had eaten any breakfast this morning, and she didn't imagine they'd manage much lunch either. What did she care about food, though, she knew it would turn to dust in her mouth, and what he ate was his business now, not hers. 'Hello,' she said to Pauline, wishing Josh had said she wasn't in.

'Julia. Hi. Is it OK to talk? I know he's there, but I heard what happened, so I had to call. You must be feeling awful. Do you want to come over? Or I can come there if you prefer. Whatever you want. I can cancel my day .. .'

Julia's blood was turning cold. So he had been in touch with Sylvia, and Sylvia had obviously got straight on the phone to Pauline.

'I'll call you back,' Julia said, and banging the

phone down she immediately rounded on him. 'So you've already spoken to Sylvia,' she seethed.

'Well, I hope you let her know that your ludicrous attempts to save our marriage by having sex with her have spectacularly failed. But I don't suppose you care very much about that, do you? In fact you're probably dying to get round there right now so you can shag her again, so please, don't let me stop you.'

'Julia, try and pull yourself together .. .'

'Don't you dare patronise me,' she seethed. 'And let me tell you this, Joshua Thayne, if I hear she's set as much as one foot in this house while I'm away, I swear to God you'll never see me back here again.'