The Miller's Dance (23 page)

Miss Clowance may see fit to allow you to call here, she would not take kindly to any beach promenading. Nor would I in her shoes... But she has small need to worry. I'll never see the beach again.' 'Oh, now, come now -'

'Oh, now, come now,' she mocked, it is easy for you to sympathize, for you care little or nothing for me.'

'But I do, I care the greatest of a lot. Otherwise, I would not-'

'The greatest of a lot,' she said. 'What does that mean? The greatest of a lot. Where do you find these phrases ? They sound more suitable to an effete drawing-room than what might be bandied about among pirates roving the seas with cutlasses and the like.'

'Privateers,' he corrected. 'You would learn to know the difference if you was ever captured by one or the
other. And I've never used a cutl
ass yet - though I'm often tempted to when I come to see you.'

So it went on, harmless, lightly insulting banter mixed with half-serious, half-cynical declarations of affection. It was
a form of conversation Violet had excelled in even when well, and these meetings with Stephen, who played her at her own game, brought the sparkle out in her again. Bu
t only for a short time. Presentl
y she lay back on her pillow, porcelain eyes exploring the day.

'This weather, Lud, it is so humid; it feels as if the clouds are sitting on the housetops like little fat elephants. Thank God Dr Enys permits me a window open. Mama would keep me in a sealed room for fear the fresh air would set me coughing. Put that drumble-drain out, will you, Stephen. He has no business inhere, and he irritates me.'

Stephen gingerly picked up the rosebud on which the bee had briefly settled, carried it to the window and shook it. The bee would not let go and began to creep up the stalk of the flower. He dropped it.

I
believe you are frightened of insects! A big man like you!'

'Drumble-drain,' he retorted. 'Where do you get such phrases? Drumble-drain. They sound more suitable to a speary old Cornish fishwife than to an effete drawing-room.'

'Touché
.
. .'Shesighed.'D'you
know,Stephen...' 'What?'

'No matter. I had better not say it. Tell me about your work as a miller. Does it prosper? There are two men in the choir in church and I confess I have never known which of them is Wilf Jonas.'

'Wilf has a birthmark behind his ear that spreads down the back of his neck.'

'Alas, I never saw their necks so close! I confess I never tried! Well, tell me what you have been doing. Are there any more lifeboats for sale?'

He gave her a brief ac
c
ount of his doings over the last week. He had the faculty of being able to present quite ordinary happenings in a way that was never dull to the listener. It was the gift of the gab, as Ben Carter called it. It entertained Violet for a few minutes. When it was over she offered him a sweetmeat. He took it and they chewed in silence.

'Mrs Pope came to see me yesterday.'

'Oh, did she. That was a neighbourly act.'

I
could not quite determine whether she looked on it as a social visit or whether she accounted it part of her duty to the sick poor.'

Stephen guffawed. 'That would not suit you, Miss Violet, would it. Well, mebbe you have to excuse her, with a husband like she's got. A leaky old drainpipe.'

'You always excuse pretty women,' Violet said. 'I've noticed it before.'

'Of course. That's why I excuse you. But think on it, what must life be like for her, tied to a sick old man?'

'Do you know what she said yesterday? She said, "When I go into Cornish society now without my husband, and it is known that he is old and ill, it exposes me to the impertinences of many idle young men." I so wanted to laugh!'

'So would I.' Stephen brooded. 'D'ye know, from the look of her, I would not have supposed that she would have resented such impertinences at all!'

'She has too careful a sense of
her own position, that is the
trouble.'

They ate another sweetmeat together.

He said:
'What were you going to say, Violet?'

'When?'

'Just now. You began
to say something and then broke
off.'

'Oh, that. I dare not tell you.'

I
reckon there's nothing you daren't tell me. Nothing
you
daren't say to a man!'

She smiled enigmatically out at the dark day, a hint more colour in her face.

I
would have you know I
was brought up a lady - much
more so than Mrs Pope -
however low I may have dropped
from that estate by falling in love with you.'

He laughed again, but a little less certainly. Joke and truth were interwoven but one could
not discern the balance, the
proportion of the mix.

'Now, now, old darling, that's enough of that. One of these days I might take you serious.'

'You'll take me serious when I'm dead,' Violet said.

‘I
f you're going to be morbid I'd best be going.'

'Yes, you had,' said Violet,
'if I say what I was going to
say, for it will scare you more thoroughly than the drumble
-
drain. Be off with you now. R
un away, little boy, and go buy
another lifeboat.'

He took her hand. 'Say on. Go on, shock me. See if you
I
can. What's wrong? Tell your old shipmate.'

She took her hand away. 'What's
wrong?
she said lightly.
'Oh, nothing much.
Nothing important. I'm going to die
that's all. As I said to you
a few weeks ago. Of course, it
means nothing. People
the
ev
ery day - nearly as many as are
born. The only person to
whom this death is important is me!’

‘
I
f
I-'

'Now
wait.
I said to y
ou a few weeks ago, that what
upsets me is I have known so
little, done so little, experi
enced so little. How much
can
one have lived at twenty-I two?
1
have never been to London, I have never been at sea, I have never had a lover, I have never had a child, I have never fully grown into the world before it is time to go out of it All this, dear Stephen, I bitterly and most passionately resent!'

Some jackdaws were chakking on the roof just above the bedroom. The light from the window briefly darkened as they took it into their heads to fly away. The beat of their wings seemed to create a flutter of air and the curtain stirred.

'Violet,' said Stephen. 'That's a bad view, that is... I
am
kind of shocked-'

'No. That is not it. That is not the shocking part
.
This is what I was going to say to you. I am a virgin.'

He looked at her in puzzlement, ha
lf grinned. 'Well
we never ventured that far, did we.'

'Nor has any man.'

'Well...' he said again. 'That's good. Leastwise...'

'Leastwise it is not good. I have never known what it is to have a man. That is not good. But in the misty days of last year I thought there was still time.'

'Of course there's still time -'

'Don't, please, lie to me. I know there is not'

'Well,' he said once again, and smiled at her.

'Well,' she said. 'Yes. Is it not an embarrassing subject?'

'But surely not shocking.'

'Not yet' She moved an inch or two away from him, again taking her hand from his grasp,
I
imagine I am repulsive to
you now, am I not?'

He stared,
I
don't quite
see —

'My face is still pretty. I examine it each morning for flaws and I find few. But my body has lost much weight since a year ago when you put your hands upon it in the church. It has - wasted. I do not suppose you could bear to touch it now.'

He still stared, his mind slowly adjusting to what she was saying and what she was implying, it is a pity,' she said, 'that it is too late for me to know...' 'Know what?'

'Is that not a stupid question?'

'Oh yes. Oh yes...' His face had flushed. 'But you don't surely mean...'

'Why should I not mean?'

"Well, old darling, you're serious sick.'

'Mortal sick.'

'Now, now. But whatever way you see it -'

'So I am sick,' she said. 'Mortal sick, I believe. And what of it? That is precisely my meaning. I really think I rather love you, Stephen. Not much. But enough to pass fof the real thing. It is an unladylike confession - even unmannerly - but I will not retract it. If I were ever to experience the sensation of having a lover, a man, I do not suppose I would ever think of choosing anyone to give me that experience better than you. Now are you shocked?'

He felt unable to move from the chair beside her bed. The birds had gone. The heavy afternoon dreamed in silence.

'Violet,
’
he said.

'Yes, Stephen.'

'Violet, I'm not shocked - not that way - because I know ye do not mean it.'

'Of course not. It was the veriest joke.'

'No, I know twas not
that.
But you have to try to understand...'

'Understand what?' She pushed limp hair away from her brow.

'Well. Try to understand-'

'That you are engaged to marry Clowance Poldark?'

'That was not what I had the mind to say.'

it is very strange,' she said, it's a woman's place never to propose—only to accept or refuse what is put to her. But one of the few advantages of mortal illness is that these restrictions are waived. So I feel in a position both of great weakness and of great strength. Pray answer me and say exactly what you think.'

He sat back, spread his hands. 'Really, old darling -'

'Please do not call me that.'

'Really, Violet, you are not suggesting...'

'Should I not? Why should I not?'

'Maybe sometime in the future..

I
have no future.'

'When, then?'

'Now, of course’
'Now? At this moment?'

'Could there be a better? There is no one in the house, but there is a bolt on the door, if you wish to be
double sure.'

He suddenly stood up. 'Holy Mary! God's me life! It would
kill
you!'

‘
And if it did?'

'I'd feel a murderer.'

‘I
s it just thinking of yourself, or is it an attempt to discover an excuse?... But of course, it is not that at all! You find me repulsive.'

'Not so! But can you imagine—if you
died
next week... You are shaping up splendid this week. By next summer you may well be quite recovered.'

She m
oistened her lips, coughed quietl
y into a handkerchief. 'Do you not suppose I have the clearest possible memory of how Dorrie, my elder sister, died? The terrible pains in her chest, the lack of breath, the flow of blood. Do you imagine that I entertain the least hope that it is not all going to happen also to me? — is indeed already happening! If by any act of my own I were to shorten that agony, should I for one moment regret it? Incidentally-' She stopped.

'What?'

'Do you know what a woman's courses means?' 'Surely.'

'Well, I have not suffered one for almost a year-so that, if this were to happen now, and I, ungrateful wretch, were to survive the experience, and indeed to survive and recover, there would be no risk of a bastard child or a paternity claim. So your suit with Miss Clowance Poldark would remain unassailable.'

'Almighty Christ!' said Stephen, clutching his hair.

After a moment Violet said:
I
do not believe you have had Clowance yet.'

'Shut up!'

'Village girls... I do not believe that they will have been easy in these villages that almost
belong
to the Poldarks. The scandal might ruin your chances.'

He scowled at her.
I
shouldn't never have supposed you would say such things.'

well, I... I seek
an experience.’

'Well, it is quite rational, is it not? No doubt you have your fun when you are away. But I do not believe you can nave been inundated with offers such as this. So, it cannot be altogether to your discredit if you consider it. As for me,
which only you can give me.