The Mistaken (40 page)

I urged him to believe it could work. But Ty shook
his head, undeterred.

“No, Hannah. Think about what you’re doing. They’ll
trip us up. It’ll never work.”

“Yes, it will, Ty. It will! If you just stick to the
story. They’ll never know what happened between us. I don’t want
them to know. I won’t tell them. I can’t.”

Tyler stared at me, disbelief written across his
bruised face. “Why, Hannah? Why, in God’s name, would you do that?
Why protect me after everything I’ve done?”

I didn’t know how to respond so I looked away. A
horn honked at us from behind, and Ty drove forward, his eyes
sweeping back and forth between the road and me.

“Hannah, you can’t shoulder this all alone. You
shouldn’t be burdened with this at all. I’ve put you through hell.
It kills me to think of what I’ve done, how I’ve hurt you, the
danger I’ve put you in. My God, I’ll never forgive myself. And
neither should you. I’m not worth it. This is all my fault. My
responsibility. And I should be made accountable!”

“No, no, no! Please. You’ll be arrested; you’ll go
to prison. I don’t want that. Can’t you see?” I screamed, my
fingers pressed tightly against each temple.

“Why not, Hannah? I don’t understand.”

“I don’t know,” I yelled. “I really don’t.” I looked
back over at him and sighed. “I know I should be angry, Ty, that I
should hate you. I
should
want justice. I know it. But I
don’t.”

I shook my head and turned back away again. It was
so difficult to face him as I realized the intensity of my feelings
and admitted them out loud.

“I shouldn’t want to be with you, Ty...but I do. I
can’t help how I feel.” I sighed and closed my eyes for one brief
moment. “I want to do what feels right…for me,” I murmured and
returned my focus back to him. “And this feels right, Ty. It really
does. I can’t explain why. It’s just…that…I get it, you know. I
understand how you feel. Your grief. Your loss. That you drink to
dull your pain. I even understand your impulsiveness, your need to
take back control, your desire for vengeance. I get all of that.
What I don’t understand are my own feelings. I’m trying to make
sense of why I feel this way, of what I feel for you.”

Unable to look at him one second longer, I focused
on my hands in my lap. My tears refused to be held back.

“What you did to me, Ty…it was…brutal. You terrified
me. Hurt and humiliated me. You took something away, destroyed my
sense of peace and safety. That can
never
be put back or
made whole again. I know this. I
feel
this.” I pressed my
hands to my heart. “But, in the time since then, after everything
we’ve been through, you’ve given me something else. You could have
just left me behind with that man at the motel. You could have
simply turned me over in Erin’s place. It would have been so much
easier for you if you had. But you didn’t. You took responsibility
for your mistake, for what you did. You protected me, even though
it cost you everything, what little you had left. That’s something
I
can never give back to
you
.”

“My God, Hannah, you owe me nothing. It’s insane for
you to think—”

I threw my hands over my ears and shook my head.
“Stop! I know,
I know!
You think I’m crazy. Maybe I am, but
before all this, I was isolated and unwanted. Unneeded. Except for
Conner, I didn’t feel tethered to anyone. Not physically. Not
emotionally. There was nothing.
I
was nothing. And now, for
the first time in so long, that’s changed somehow. I feel more
alive when I’m with you. I feel that I’m somehow needed, that, like
a missing piece to a puzzle, I’m meant to fit into some small space
in that hollowed out place inside of you. That place left empty and
barren by the deaths of your parents and your sister. By Jill and
by Nick. If I can help make
you
whole again, then maybe
I
can be, too. And I need that, Ty. I need that more than
you could ever know.”

My embarrassment, which had at first rolled over me
like an armored tank, ebbed, leaving something new in its place:
fear. Fear of being rejected, for having feelings that were
irrational. There’s no way he’d be able to understand what I felt
and why. I couldn’t look at him, for I knew he must think me a
lunatic.

Ty pulled the stolen vehicle into the driveway of
the home he and Jillian had shared and cut the engine. His
shoulders quaked, and his hands trembled at the wheel, but he
stared straight ahead, his eyes focused on something distant,
something elusive and unreachable.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, Hannah. I feel
responsible for you. Nothing I say or do will ever make up for what
I’ve already done.” He lowered his eyes and his brow knitted
together as he spoke. “I’ve come to care a great deal for you.
Perhaps it’s all been brought on by the extreme circumstances, I
don’t know, but…I can’t help but wish that…we could have known each
other under normal circumstances.” Ty turned to meet my gaze. He
looked unsure, uneasy with his thoughts. “I don’t have a good
feeling about what will happen next. What the authorities might do.
They’re going to draw their own conclusions based on all the
physical evidence and what we tell them.”

“Then we tell them
my
story, Ty, just as I
said. It’s close to the truth.”

“No, it’s not that simple, Hannah. The
evidence—”

“It
is
that simple, Ty. You owe me this; you
said so yourself. Do this for me, please. I don’t want anyone to
know. What happened stays between us.
Everything
stays just
between us. All right?”

He stared at me for a long time as his judgment
warred with my request. Finally, he nodded acceptance. “Right.
Okay. Just us then.”

I couldn’t help but sigh. “There
is
something
there, Ty. Between us. I don’t know what it is, but I feel it. And
I know you do, too. I can see it in your eyes.”

He reached for my hand and held it firmly between
his own. “Yes, Hannah, there
is
something there, but we
might never find out exactly what that is or who we could be
together. Don’t you see? After we leave here tonight, we might not
get to see each other again for…God knows how long. Maybe never. So
I want you to know that I’m sorry. For everything. I’ve come to
care for you more than I thought I could possibly ever care for
another person. Especially a woman. I want you to be happy, Hannah.
You deserve to be happy. To be loved again.”

His eyes glassed up, glistening in the soft glow of
the streetlights. I smiled at him and nodded, too choked up to
speak.

He sighed, wincing as he raked his hands over his
battered face. “All right then, we should go get cleaned up and
changed.”

He looked back at his brother’s body, his face
somber and remote, and then stepped out of the van, locking it
securely behind him. Ty led me into his home. I could see Jillian
everywhere: in photos, the furniture, the draperies, even the
paint. I felt like I was violating a sacred place just being there.
It made me very uncomfortable, and I think Tyler could see how
awkward it was for me. He directed me to follow him into his
bedroom.

“I’ll look through Jill’s things and find something
for you to wear,” he said almost in a whisper.

“Maybe just some sweats.”

He nodded silently and sorted through his wife’s
closet. With hands that continued to tremble, Ty laid the clothing
and some undergarments on the bed and gave me a plastic bag for the
clothes I had on, informing me the police might want them. He
showed me to the bathroom and drew a warm bath in continued silence
then pulled a couple of large bath towels from the linen
closet.

“There you go. I’m going to grab some clothes for
myself and use the guest bath down the hall. If you need anything,
just yell.” He left and closed the door behind him.

I wandered around the room, examining Jillian’s
things: her perfume and makeup, her hair products and jewelry box,
even her hair brush with Jill’s long dark strands still entwined in
the bristles. I was surprised that Ty still had everything out,
like he hadn’t touched a thing since her death. It felt like a
shrine, a place of worship, and I was an interloper who didn’t
belong.

I undressed and threw the soiled clothing into the
plastic bag. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I
gasped and turned away. I looked down at my body, remembering each
moment as I fingered the cuts and bruises. A lump grew large in my
throat. I stopped my probing and moaned.

I stepped gingerly into the tub and winced as the
hot water stung my angry flesh. The heat seeped into my aching
muscles, urging me to relax. I washed my hair then added bubbles to
the water and began erasing all the bloody evidence. I was sure the
police would not appreciate my efforts, but no amount of evidence
would ever be necessary. Sergeyev was dead. He was at God’s mercy
now, and I hoped God showed him as much charity as Sergeyev had
allowed me. My injuries would be enough indication of my assault,
and my testimony would fill in the gaps, if it even came to
that.

As I scrubbed away the blood and grime, I slowly
shed the many layers of self-protective armor I had blanketed
around myself. The degradation and self-loathing at my submittal
rose, like steam from the bath water, and I began to cry. I needed
to cast off all the pent up resentment, all the powerless rage and
fear I felt while in Sergeyev’s hands. And Tyler’s too, I suppose,
since he had been the first to nearly violate me, however
remorseful he was now.

I needed to leave it all behind me forever. I
stopped scrubbing and sobbed into my hands. I ran through every
moment of the last few days, the last few hours in particular. I
imagined my tears were enough to fill a deep pool, and that I had
the power, the strength, to press Sergeyev’s head beneath the
surface, to drown him while he fought against me, as I had against
him, and to flush him away with the all dirt and debris that was my
assault. I cried until the bubbles disappeared, until the bath
water grew cold, until everything slipped away, freeing me as much
as I could possibly be free.

A gentle knock at the door startled me.

“Hannah, may I come in?” Ty asked, his voice
unsure.

I ran wet hands over my face to conceal my tears.
“Um...okay.”

With a deep pain aching in my side, I pulled my
knees up and wrapped my arms around them as I sank deeper into the
cloudy water. I looked at Ty sheepishly as he entered, embarrassed
that he might have heard me weeping. He dimmed the lights and
leaned back against the counter’s edge. His fingers grasped the
tile so tightly his knuckles turned white. He kept his eyes cast
down at his feet as tremors quaked his shoulders every so
often.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, glancing in my
direction for a brief moment.

I nodded.

“Good. That’s good. Umm…would you rather be left
alone?” Another quick glance.

I shook my head no.

“Okay then. Good. That’s good.” He bobbed his head
in approval and swallowed hard.

He glanced over once more, and I saw a flicker of
emotion I could not place. All the sadness, regret, and loss still
lingered there, painfully so, but there was something else, as
well. A deep longing perhaps. A bitter understanding of what lay
ahead. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but whatever
it was, he kept it to himself, turning away as he bit nervously
along his lower lip.

“So um…the water… It must be getting cold,” he said.
“Are you ready to get out?”

“Um, sure…I guess.”

Ty retrieved one of the large bath sheets, unfolded
it, and held it up to me in invitation before looking away. As I
stood up and stepped over the tub’s edge, he enveloped me snugly
into its thick warmth, wrapping his arms around me like a cocoon. I
leaned into him and rested my cheek against his chest. Tyler tipped
my chin up with his finger and raised my face up to meet his. He
gazed into my eyes like he was searching for my soul. Then he
kissed me, so warm and tender, and I finally felt safe and
protected.

It was the last place I should have felt either. It
was unbelievable how things had changed between us. After
everything he had done to protect me since that first awful
morning, I felt he had redeemed himself, as best he could anyway,
and at that moment, I was in the one place I wanted most to be.

I desperately needed to feel like I could be loved
and desired as a woman, despite my ordeal. That there was more to
me than what I had endured.

I rested my head against his shoulder and nestled
into him, allowing him to hold and comfort me.

Chapter Forty
-
Four

Hannah

I dressed in Jill’s fashionable warm-up suit and
joined Ty in the living room, the bag with my soiled clothing in
hand. He smiled warmly, though he looked worried.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“As I’ll ever be, I guess.”

“And do you know what you’re going to say?” When I
nodded, he raised an eyebrow. “Are you absolutely sure that’s how
you want to play this, Hannah?”

“Yes, I am, just like I told you earlier.”

With a frustrated sigh, he shrugged. “Okay then,
let’s go.”

He kept pretty quiet on the way to the hospital,
sharing with me only what I might expect once I got there. “I’ll
take you to the triage nurse. She’ll probably question you before
your examination, so be prepared. While you’re being examined, I’ll
see if they can help me with Nick. It’ll all be out of our hands
after that. Okay?” He searched my eyes for reassurance.

“Okay,” I replied, suddenly unsure, because right
then it hit me, what I might be facing when I entered the hospital.
As the adrenaline wore off, the pains in my body grew more intense.
I knew I might be more seriously injured than I thought. I had to
be checked out. I couldn’t risk otherwise. But they would know as
soon as they examined me exactly what had happened. The law would
require them to call the authorities. A more forensic exam would be
requested, possibly even expected. They might try using guilt
tactics to convince me to comply, “to protect future innocent
victims,” they might say. I decided I wouldn’t comply, no matter
what they said. But that could snowball into something altogether
different, something I would have no control over, especially once
the authorities were involved. Beck would likely be contacted;
Conner might find out. Suddenly my plan seemed risky and full of
holes, landmines that could explode in my face. But what choice did
I have?