He had told her the truth, leaving out only a few details that he felt unable to communicate.
‘Gerard…’ Amelia was on her feet. She held out her hands to him, her expression understanding and sympathetic. ‘My dear—how terrible for you! It was a tragedy for a life was lost—but it was not your fault. Lisette could not have recovered completely from the birth. How could you have known she was unhappy if she did not tell you?’
‘She may have been unwell, but I was not aware of it. I should have known.’
‘You rescued her when she was alone. You married her, were kind to her so she turned to you, gave you her heart. If she felt unsure of your love, it may have made her desperately unhappy, but the blame is not all yours.’
‘You see things so clearly…’ Gerard moved closer, his eyes searching her face. ‘So you do not hate me? You will not turn away in disgust? You understand that I am not as I once was?’
‘I could never hate you. Surely you know…’
‘I know that you are a wonderful, wise and lovely woman,’ Gerard said passionately. ‘I would be honoured if you would become my wife, Amelia. You were prepared to marry me all those years ago. Dare I hope that you still find the idea agreeable?’
‘Gerard…’ Amelia gasped. ‘Yes…’
She meant to say more, but he lowered his head to kiss her on the lips. Amelia responded with all the love that was in her, her arms going about his neck as her body melded with his. This was what she had longed for, dreamed of so many lonely nights! She had never expected to be so fortunate.
‘My beautiful Amelia,’ Gerard said. ‘I am a fool! You are such a sensible woman. You understand everything. You would not do something stupid because of a foolish quarrel. I should have asked long ago. You are exactly the woman I need in my life. You will not expect more than I am able to give.’
Amelia withdrew a little. She waited for him to say the words she needed to hear, but he did not speak of love and she was conscious of a slight disappointment.
She looked at him uncertainly. ‘I had thought you meant to ask me before, but then you seemed to withdraw and I was not sure you cared for me.’
‘I have always admired and cared for you,’ Gerard replied. ‘We should have married years ago had your brother not had me beaten for having the temerity to approach you.’ He paused, then, ‘I fear Sir Michael will not take the news kindly, Amelia.’
‘Michael may be pleased for me or stay away from my home. I am not obliged to him and he may not deny me this time. However,
you
should take care, for I know he can be a spiteful man, Gerard.’
‘I shall take care for myself and for you. I do not forget that someone made an attempt to abduct you, Amelia. It will be my first duty to protect you, my dearest.’
‘Thank you. I feel it unlikely that Michael would do more than vent his displeasure on me verbally—but it is always best to be careful.’ She looked at him, her doubt writ plain on her face. ‘Do you wish to announce our engagement at once?’
‘That is entirely up to you, Amelia. If you wish for more time to consider…’
‘No, I think not,’ Amelia told him. ‘I have given you my answer and I shall not change my mind.’
‘Then you have made me the happiest man alive,’ Gerard said. ‘I have a Christmas gift for you, Amelia—but it is not a ring. I was afraid to tempt fate. However, I did commission a ring. I shall send to my jeweller and have it delivered at Coleridge.’
‘Perhaps we should announce our engagement at the ball there,’ Amelia suggested. ‘We shall consider ourselves pledged, Gerard—but tell only our best friends until the ball.’
‘As usual you have solved the thing,’ he said and leaned forwards to kiss her softly on the lips. ‘I look forward to our wedding, Amelia. You are a good friend and you will be a wonderful wife. Lisa already adores you and this is the best thing I can do for her. You will have the comfort and security of marriage and I shall have a beautiful gracious wife…we shall all get on famously.’
Amelia allowed him to kiss her, but she did not cling to him as she had the first time. At the back of her mind a tiny doubt had formed. She did not want to think it, but she was afraid that Gerard had proposed to her because he needed a suitable wife and a mother for his delightful daughter! Much as she knew she would love Lisa, she could not help thinking that if things had been different she might have been the child’s mother. She would be a good mother to Lisa, but her heart ached when she thought of what might have been.
Did Gerard imagine that she had remained single because she had not received another offer? Amelia frowned as she went up to change for the evening. She might have been married soon after Gerard disappeared, but she had refused every man her brother brought for her to meet. Michael had tried to push her into marrying a marquis, but she had not allowed him to bully her.
Since she came into her fortune, she had received six offers of marriage. Not one of the gentlemen had made her feel that she wished to be married, even though she believed that at least one had been in love with her. Despite the hurt Gerard’s apparent desertion had inflicted, she had never ceased to love him. No other man could ever replace him in her heart.
Amelia’s feelings now were mixed. Gerard had proposed and she had accepted, but the doubts had begun to creep in. Was he truly in love with her—or did he simply wish for a convenient arrangement? He needed a mother for Lisa, and he wanted a wife who would not make too many demands.
She tried to remember his exact words, but had only a vague memory for his proposal had swept all else from her mind. She thought he had told her that he cared for his wife, but he could never love with all his heart, because something had died in him the night Michael sent him away. Lisette had wanted more and because of that she had become desperately unhappy. Amelia imagined that she had still
been low after the birth of her child, for more than one young one woman had been known to suffer a deep melancholy after giving birth.
Amelia frowned. Gerard’s words as he proposed seemed to in dicate that he was looking for a comfortable marriage that would not make too many demands on his emotions. Was he saying that
she
must not expect too much—that he simply needed a complaisant woman to care for his child and his home?
Did he care for her at all?
What nonsense was this? She was such a fool! Amelia’s thoughts were confused as she changed for dinner that evening. For years she had regretted the love she had lost. She had felt the years slipping away, her youth lost. There were times when she believed she would die an old maid, unfulfilled and unloved.
Recently, after meeting Gerard again, she had begun to long for him to speak. Now he had proposed and she had accepted, and yet she was beset by doubts. A tiny voice in her head was telling her she should not hope for a love match. Gerard was older and he had undoubtedly changed from the young man who had declared his love so passionately. He had spoken of caring for Amelia and of looking forward to her becoming his wife—not the words of a man desperately in love. Not the passionate declaration she had hoped to hear!
Gerard
had
asked her to marry him because it was a convenient arrangement. He wanted a wife—a mother for his beautiful daughter. Had he not asked her to give him her opinion of Lisa’s nanny? She had
done so and her thoughts coincided with his, which had made him feel she would make an ideal wife and mother. In her first rush of delight that he had spoken, Amelia had imagined that he was proposing because he loved her as she loved him. However, she was certain that he respected and liked her—and was that not a perfectly sound basis for marriage?
She took a turn about the room, her thoughts tumbling in confusion as she came to terms with her situation. Was a marriage of convenience acceptable? Could she be happy as Gerard’s wife, knowing that he cared for her but was not in love with her?
Of course she could! Amelia scolded herself for the feeling of disappointment she had been experiencing since leaving Gerard. She was no longer a green girl. She ought not to expect romance at her age. Her heart told her that Gerard was the only man she would ever love. If she behaved foolishly and changed her mind, because his proposal was not the declaration of love she desired, she would be cutting off her nose to spite her face—and that would be ridiculous.
Amelia was faced with the choice of remaining unwed for the rest of her life or marrying the man she loved, understanding that he did not feel romantic love for her. Had she been that young girl of so many years ago, she would have demanded an equal partnership where both partners loved, but the years had taught her some hard lessons and she was a woman of sense. The prospect of remaining single all her life was one she had faced, because there seemed no alternative. However, she now had a chance of some
happiness. She would have a husband who cared for her in his own way and she would have a family; she was still young enough to give Gerard an heir. In her mind she saw pictures of their sons growing through childhood to manhood, hearing their laughter as an echo in her head and seeing their smiling faces. If she did not marry, she would never have a child of her own to love. She might not have the passionate love she had longed for, but she would have a family, children and companionship.
It was enough, she decided. She would make it enough, and perhaps Gerard would recapture some of the feeling he’d once had for her. His kiss had told her that he was not indifferent in a physical sense. He found her desirable. Perhaps in time true love would blossom once more.
A marriage where the feeling was stronger on one side than the other was not unusual. People married for many reasons, quite often for money or position. She acquitted Gerard of wanting her fortune—he had made it plain to her at an earlier time that he had enough for his needs. He wanted a companion, a sensible woman who would love his daughter and not make too many demands. Could she be that woman? Amelia decided that she could. She had had years of learning to hide her emotions; it should not be too difficult to give Gerard the kind of wife he desired. It would be a convenient arrangement for them both.
Amelia picked up her long evening gloves and pulled them on, smoothing the fingers in place. She glanced in the mirror and smiled at the picture she
presented. She looked serene, untroubled. No one would ever guess at the ache in her heart.
She was about to open her door when someone knocked and Emily walked in. It was obvious that she was distressed and Amelia forgot her own problems instantly.
‘Something is wrong! I can see it in your face, Emily.’
‘Mr Sinclair…I could not prevent him from speaking,’ Emily said, her voice catching. ‘I told him that I must have time to consider…and I think he was angry with me for his face went white. He inclined his head and walked away from me without another word. I should have called him back, but I could not speak.’
‘Oh, my poor Emily,’ Amelia said. ‘Could you not find the words to tell him the truth?’
‘I was afraid of what I might see in his eyes,’ Emily confessed. ‘We must somehow manage to speak to each other while we are both guests here…’ She gave a little sob. ‘I am in such distress for I would not hurt him for the world and I am sure he was hurt by my hesitation. Yet how could I tell him the truth?’
‘Do not distress yourself, my love,’ Amelia said. ‘You have done nothing wrong. Many other ladies ask for time when first asked that question. When next it happens, you will be ready to make your confession.’
‘Yes, I shall. I intend to seek Mr Sinclair out tomorrow evening after the celebrations. One of us may leave the following day—I could go home if he did not wish to leave.’
‘Do not be so pessimistic, Emily.’ Amelia was encouraging. ‘I still believe that Mr Sinclair will be more understanding than you imagine—and now, my love, you must wish me happy. The Earl of Ravens-head has asked me to be his wife and I have accepted him. We shall not announce our engagement until the ball at Coleridge, but I wanted you to know.’
‘Amelia!’ Emily’s face reflected surprise and then pleasure. ‘I am so very happy for you, dearest. I have thought that perhaps you liked him and he liked you, but I was not sure what your intentions were regarding marriage.’
‘It will be…a convenient arrangement for us both, for my brother will have to accept that he is no longer my heir. Especially if I should have a child, which I hope will be the case.’
‘A convenient arrangement?’ Emily looked puzzled. ‘It is not my business to pry, but are you sure that is all it is? I am sure the earl has a deep regard for you, Amelia.’
‘Ah, yes, we are comfortable together—good friends,’ Amelia said, avoiding Emily’s probing gaze. She was doing her best to appear dispassionate, but Emily knew her too well. ‘Shall we go down, my love? We do not wish to keep Susannah and her guests waiting.’ She saw a doubtful look in her companion’s eyes. ‘You must not think that I would wish to dispense with your company, Emily. While I should be happy to see you marry a gentleman of your choice, I should be sad to lose you. Be assured that your home is with me until you decide to leave.’
‘You are always so generous,’ Emily replied. ‘Thank you for making that plain to me. Like you, I have met only one man I would care to marry, but you know my thoughts and I shall say no more, for this is Christmas Eve.’
Amelia noticed how thoughtful her companion was as they went downstairs and joined the other guests. She smiled and nodded to the company, but was quiet and merely nodded her head when Toby offered her his arm to take her into dinner. Obviously, he had controlled his hurt feelings and was determined to remain Emily’s friend. Amelia had always thought him a likeable young man and now found she approved of his manners—he was everything he ought to be as a gentleman.
Gerard took Amelia in to dinner. He told her in a whisper that he had confided their secret to Harry and Susannah, also to Toby Sinclair.
‘For the moment I have asked that they keep the news to themselves,’ he said. ‘We shall make our announcement at Coleridge, as we planned.’
‘I have told Emily, for it would have seemed secretive and unkind had I excluded her. She would have been worried that her position might not be secure had she heard something from another person.’