‘Rosie,’ I said reluctantly, clinking plastic to enamel, and downed half my glass in one, trying not to pull a face as it set fire to my throat.
He winked and showed me a paper bag of blue pills in
his pocket. ‘Fancy one? I’ll do you cheap, seeing as I’ve nicked your gin.’
I wrinkled my nose as I swigged some more. ‘Not sure. Maybe later.’
‘Don’t make it too late. I might sell out.’ He grinned his shark’s grin and turned to the girls clinging round him. ‘Here, you lot met Rosie?’
He introduced me, and we shared drinks and slurred conversation as the alcohol started to take hold. I kept half an eye on Star on the roof terrace, larking around with her friends, and, sometime later when I saw her climb down, I wandered away from the group and followed her.
I found her in the bathroom, scrubbing at her dress in the wash basin. She jumped when she saw me. ‘Oh. It’s you.’
She was swaying slightly. I came in and shut the door. ‘Spilled something?’
‘Some idiot threw his beer down me.’ She squinted at the stain on her front. ‘Cost me over three quid, this did.’
‘Don’t you mean it cost Granny?’ She frowned, and I said with a nudge, ‘I’m only teasing.’
‘I think Geoff’s just sold me a duff one.’ Her voice was slippery with drink. ‘It’s had no effect whatsoever. I’m going to tell him to give me another.’
I walked up behind her and looked at her reflection in the mirror. ‘If it is working, you’ll be as high as a kite.’
‘All right, Mother,’ she growled.
I didn’t care. The gin had layered me with confidence. I put my arms around her waist and said, ‘You look beautiful.’
‘Rosie …’ she began, but with a melt to her voice that encouraged me.
I put my lips to the back of her neck and kissed it, inhaling her scent.
‘You mustn’t,’ I heard her say.
‘I’m drunk,’ I whispered. ‘I don’t care.’
She gave a little moan and dropped her head. I ran my fingers around her neck until they met the zip of her dress at her throat, and pulled it down a fraction. I slid my hand inside, feeling my way across her collarbone.
‘Stop it.’ She snapped my hand away and switched her zip back upwards. She stared at the sink, and when she looked up into the mirror, her reflection was hard-boned and as cold as ice.
‘What?’ I felt as if I’d been slapped. ‘I thought …’
‘What if somebody came in?’ she hissed. ‘What if anybody saw?’
I recognized the truth in her words, and perhaps on a sober day would have heeded them, but the gin had fired me with bravado. ‘Why d’you care about them?’
‘They’re my
friends
,’ she snapped, and walked out of the bathroom, leaving the door wide open as she stalked back into the heart of the party.
I stayed a while in the bathroom, swaying as I surveyed my rogue hands, knowing Star would never describe me as a nice person, never again. It certainly wasn’t what the boarding-school girls had done with their pashes, and perhaps it was obscene, and perverted, and all those things, but I was finding it difficult to care. A giggle bubbled up from me, and when Geoff walked in through the door and saw me he said, ‘Hey, somebody looks happy.’
‘I’m just going,’ I said, woozy with gin.
He shrugged, unzipping his fly. ‘Stay if you like.’
I snorted a laugh and left the bathroom, leaning against the wall.
When he came out, doing himself up, he said, ‘You changed your mind about you know what?’ He leaned with an elbow against the wall above my head. He smelled of musk and civet.
‘Dunno,’ I mumbled, feeling as if anything were possible, tonight.
‘Tell you what, how about I give you a tiny bit, for free? Just to get you in the mood.’
I waggled my head to say maybe, and he pulled one of the blue pills from his pocket.
‘Put out your tongue.’
I did so, expecting him to drop the pill on to it, but instead he bit off a fraction and, holding it on his own tongue, he wrapped his hands around the back of my head and put his mouth over mine.
His tongue swam into me. I felt the sour taste of the crumbled piece land beside my gum. He withdrew and said, smiling sharkily down at me, ‘There you go.’
I swallowed the piece of pill and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. ‘You’re a cheeky beggar.’
He winked. ‘Nothing ventured, eh?’
‘Geoff!’
He turned. Star was weaving her way towards him, babbling about how he’d ripped her off with coloured aspirin, demanding another. She ignored me, and I wondered if she’d seen the kiss.
‘Star …’ I began, and she turned to me with a bright drunk smile.
‘Oh, Rosie,’ she said, as if we hadn’t seen each other all evening. ‘You know Geoff ?’
‘We’re just getting acquainted,’ he said, and I widened my eyes at her to tell her it wasn’t what she thought.
‘Good.’ She winked exaggeratedly at me. ‘I really couldn’t give a shit,’ she said in a loud whisper, and sashayed off, tipping her new pill into her mouth and knocking it back with a swig of beer.
‘It’s not what you think,’ I called to Star, but she was gone, back into the throbbing heart of the party.
‘Don’t worry about her,’ said Geoff. ‘She’s just narked ’cause she’s been trying to get off with me for months. I told her, “I ain’t coming between you and Johnny,” but she’s got a bee in her bonnet for me, know what I mean?’
I peered up at him. ‘You’re lying,’ I growled.
He tutted. ‘Shut up. Everyone knows Star’s a little flirt. You know what they said about her last year, what she done with that mate of hers, Gill?’
‘No,’ I said breathlessly. ‘What did they say?’
‘It’d turn your hair if I told you.’ He winked. ‘She’s a right fucked-up little tart; she’ll go with anyone.’
A gobbet of anger fizzed inside me as I came to the realization that my kiss with Star had meant nothing to her. Of course not. She’d barely given it a thought.
I held Geoff by the shoulders and pushed him back against the wall with such force I turned the light switch on, and everybody in the room protested as they were illuminated.
‘Whoa.’ Geoff turned the light off, and I put my arms about his neck and pulled his head down towards me.
We kissed for a blurry, indistinguishable amount of time. I hoped Star was watching.
You’re not the only one who can be a little flirt
, I thought with a sense of dirty triumph.
Geoff looked down at me, nodded towards the door of the spare room and said, ‘How about we go somewhere a bit quieter?’
I knew I was too drunk, and the small sober section of my brain was murmuring, but far too quietly for me to hear. I shrugged. ‘Okay.’
He winked. ‘That’s my girl.’ Bending his head towards me, he whispered, ‘I’m taking it you’re on the Pill, ’cause I only go bareback, all right?’
I had a sudden image once more of Harry’s huge penis listing towards me, and dashed the thought away. I lumbered towards the spare room, opened the door and stumbled inside. It was a narrow space that contained a camp bed, a wardrobe, an empty fireplace, a dormer window, a chair with a guitar on it, and Johnny and Adam on the bed, leaping apart in a confusion of limbs as I entered.
‘Bloody hell,’ barked Johnny, as Adam bounced towards the window in less than a second, his back to me. ‘You might knock first, eh, Rosie?’
‘Sorry,’ I slurred. Johnny pulled down the cuffs of his sleeves and smoothed his hair as Geoff came in after me.
‘Ah, Johnny mate.’ Geoff swaggered in. ‘Mind if you hop it? I got business to pursue.’
Johnny didn’t even bother looking up. ‘Get out,’ he said, squeezing a cigarette from the packet on the stool beside the bed into his mouth.
There was an impasse which lasted no more than a
second, and then Geoff snorted. ‘Fuck it,’ he growled, and then, to me, ‘Come on, darling, let’s go.’
‘Rosie’s staying.’ Johnny sparked up his cigarette with a silver-plated lighter.
‘Hey.’ Geoff pointed. ‘You got Star. You don’t need another bird.’
Johnny just ignored him, leaning back against the wall. I steadied myself against the wardrobe as a speck of sobriety entered my brain, and I said to Geoff, ‘I’m staying.’
He narrowed his eyes at me. ‘Your loss, darling.’ He stormed out of the room, slamming the door closed.
For a while, nobody spoke, and then, by the window, Adam snorted. Johnny laughed too. I moved the guitar on to the floor and collapsed in the chair.
‘What a tit,’ said Johnny. ‘Sells a few sweeties to his mates and thinks he’s God’s fucking gift.’
‘Ugh.’ I put my head against the side of the wardrobe. ‘I don’t feel good.’
‘Come over here and sit next to your knight in shining armour.’ Johnny patted the space beside him on the bed, and I scrambled over. ‘I hope you remember I saved you from a shafting by Helmstone’s biggest wanker.’
‘You’re so … crude,’ I mumbled.
‘You ain’t heard the half of it.’
‘I’ll see you later, J.’ A shadow blocked the light as Adam crossed the room.
‘Be good.’ Johnny waved Adam out of the door and put his arm around me. I looked into his eyes and saw his pupils had reduced to pinpricks. He winked at me. ‘Mind you, he does sell cheap, and I’m up on the fucking ceiling, so who cares?’ He cackled a laugh.
I gazed at the door that Adam had just closed behind him, and then turned back to Johnny to see if there were any clues that he was
like that
, but the only notable aspect of his behaviour was his cigarette jiggling at high speed between his fingers, as if possessed by some demon.
‘Star …’ I began, and didn’t know what to say next.
‘You were supposed to cheer her up yesterday, d’you remember? She came back in a right two-and-eight. Couldn’t string a sentence together. What d’you do to her?’
I grunted a reply. ‘She told me her grandmother owns the house.’
‘Did she now?’ He took out his cigarette and put it between my lips. I inhaled sloppily. Sliding it back between his own, he said, ‘That’s a big deal. She made me promise not to tell a living soul. See, I knew she had a thing for you.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ I mumbled, but with less certainty than I’d felt before. ‘Geoff said she …’ And then I remembered who I was talking to, and shut up.
‘What did Geoff say?’ Johnny fed ash into the empty beer bottle on the stool. ‘I’ll lamp the fucker soon as I can stand up. He’s been after her for months.’
‘You and Star …’ I said slowly, alcohol thrusting forwards words I’d never have dared to say sober. ‘What is it? I mean, really? What is it?’
He shrugged. ‘You tell me, Rosie. She’s my best mate. My pal. But … Christ, y’know, once upon a time we were, like, together, properly together. And now …’
‘Flatmates?’ I said.
He nodded. ‘Flatmates. That’s it.’ He spread an arm wide. ‘As you can see, I’m in the spare room. Therefore, we’re flatmates.’
I smiled, both inside and out, an excited, anticipatory sort of a smile. ‘So you
have
split up.’
‘Not officially. Star wants … Oh, God knows what Star wants. She’s a closed book, that one. What you grinning for?’
‘No reason.’ I felt my heart beating fast and hard in my ribs.
I knew she had a thing for you
, he’d said. I’d been idiotic earlier; I saw things clearly now. ‘I’m going to dance.’
‘Stay away from that arsehole.’ He pointed a finger at me. ‘You hear me?’
I nodded rapidly. ‘Don’t worry. I will.’
I kissed him on the cheek, to which he tutted, and then threw myself off the bed, out of the door and back into the party. I had to find Star and tell her I knew that she and Johnny weren’t together, and that … well, and who cared what her friends thought? The world was up for grabs, if we wanted it.
She wasn’t in the sitting room, but I knew she’d be back eventually and energy was charging through my limbs; I had to use it up. The floor was a packed herd of people moving to the music, and I thrust myself into the middle of them and danced, focusing on the slithery patterns of the rug at my feet, on the smoke curling through the air, on the non-stop chattering in my brain.
Time passed. Finally, Star weaved past and I grabbed her arm. ‘I’ve got to talk to you!’ I shouted.
She looked at me. Her black eye make-up had started a steady slide down her face. I noticed that Geoff was on her other side, one arm linked around her back. She puffed out her lips and turned away.
‘Star!’ I jerked her towards me. Her eyes were unfocused,
and I realized that even like this I hungered for her, that I wanted her as I’d never wanted anybody or anything before. I yearned to press myself against her and run my hands through her short hair and along the slight curves of her waist and hips. Her dress was zipped up all the way to the top, and my eyes lingered on its glinting teeth and the tag at her throat.
‘Get away from me,’ she said, pulling her arm free.
‘Come on, Star.’
Geoff leered down at me. ‘She don’t wanna talk to you, all right?’
‘Stay out of it,’ I snapped. ‘It’s got nothing to do with you.’
‘You keep away from me,’ said Star, and as the song that was playing came to a sudden end, her words reverberated in the silence that followed. ‘Keep away from me, you disgusting dyke.’
There was a ripple of shocked laughter around the room. Horribly, I felt my lip wobbling. ‘Wh-what?’
‘She tried to molest me in the bathroom.’ Star was speaking to Geoff, but her voice carried around the flat. ‘Tried to touch me up. She’s been wanting to do that ever since she moved in.’
Geoff sniffed as he looked down at me, a smile curling the edge of his mouth. ‘Interesting.’
‘Tell her to fuck off, Geoff.’ Star’s voice had risen to hysteria. ‘Tell her I don’t want her anywhere near me.’
My head was shaking with shock and anger. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, my heart and lungs and liver collapsing. ‘I never want to see you again.’
There was a space around me now, as if I carried a deadly disease. The album had come to an end, and
nobody had yet made a move to change the record. Her upper lip curving into a sneer, she spat, ‘Go and find someone else to creep over, you pervert.’
She turned, as if to flounce off, tripped over the coffee table and landed in a heap on the living-room floor.