Authors: Christina Perozzi
The Naked Pint (6 page)
The Secret of Beer: How to Get the Beer You Want
Now that you’ve got Beer 101 under your belt, it’s time to take what you know out for a spin in the real world. You now know more than probably 80% of the beer-ordering public, and you have the power to get what you want out of your beer experience. Ordering your first real beer can be daunting. Even we were intimidated the first time we ordered a craft beer. We were dry mouthed and tongue tied. We thought, “Hey! We know about fermentation, we know our ales from our lagers. What’s the problem here?” The fact is that even though we knew what we liked, we didn’t know how to communicate it. Communication is a continuing challenge for any relationship, and learning how to ask for what you want from beer can take some practice, but the Universal Law of Attraction and the Secret of Beer is, If you know how to ask for what you want, you just might get it.
We’ve already told you that beer falls into two types: ales and lagers. But it’s not good enough to be this general when asking for beer. Would you go onto
Match.com
and describe the person you’re looking for as brown-haired, with no other descriptors? If you do, every brown-haired freak under the sun is going to think you have extremely low standards and that he or she may finally have a chance. In short, do not go up to the bar and ask simply for an ale or a lager or, worse yet, “something light.”
Match.com
and describe the person you’re looking for as brown-haired, with no other descriptors? If you do, every brown-haired freak under the sun is going to think you have extremely low standards and that he or she may finally have a chance. In short, do not go up to the bar and ask simply for an ale or a lager or, worse yet, “something light.”
Ask yourself first what specific flavors you are craving at the moment. We’ve just given you a vocabulary of styles and a few basic flavor descriptors based on beer’s ingredients. Use these to get specific about your desires. You don’t have to order any old beer. If you’re feeling a bit devilish, ask for a spicy, yeasty ale. If you need a palate cleanser, ask for a hoppy, crisp Pale Ale. As with anything, the more specific you get, the more you will specifi cally get what you want. And that is true gratification in life.
Try ordering in progression from the flavor you want the most down to the more nuanced flavors. For example, say you want the complex, bigger flavors and aromatics usually found in an ale. Great. Now decide which type of ale you feel like. Use your flavor descriptors. Do you feel like banana? Pine tree? Coffee? Though you know about some major beer styles, you may not feel comfortable asking for a Porter or Stout yet. If that’s the case, use the vocabulary for cuisine that you already have. Describe your ideal beer, just as you would describe any other food or spice. Always return to flavors: bitter, nutty, tart apple, and so on. In fact, you could simply list off the herbs and spices you have in your kitchen: cinnamon, pepper, cardamom, and sage, and any great beer bartender worth her salt should be able to find a beer with those flavors.
You may already be fairly comfortable using such terms in conjunction with wine: velvety, peppery, leather, jasmine, cherry tones. We know that if we ask for a Cabernet with earthy, musky flavors, we will get something more uniquely suited to our palate. The same is true of beer! Be specific. Try this equation: Ask for a beer using three descriptors: (1) the dominant flavor you crave + (2) a secondary flavor you would like + (3) a beer style. We hope this will = the beer you want. Examples: bitter + chocolaty + Stout; citrusy + grassy + Witbier; dry + sour + Tripel Belgian.
Like sex, specifics are best. And also like sex, you probably know what you really like but are afraid to ask for it. Beer wants to know how hoppy, how bitter, and how spicy you want it. Are hints of pear good? Is the dry, orange-rind finish working for you? Some people are embarrassed about doing the “dirty talk,” so practice in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “Nutty, chocolaty.” Or try it in your car on the way to work, in traffic: “Sour, spicy.” The more comfortable you get with the words, the more confidence you’ll have the moment the bartender looks at you and says, “What do you want?”
Beer Bar Book of EtiquetteU
nfortunately, people new to the beer world have a reputation for behaving badly in beer bars. From ordering to paying to tipping, some people just don’t seem to know the right way to conduct themselves. Perhaps there’s a disconnect because people feel out of place and are overcompensating. Whatever it is, we are here to put an end to it.
nfortunately, people new to the beer world have a reputation for behaving badly in beer bars. From ordering to paying to tipping, some people just don’t seem to know the right way to conduct themselves. Perhaps there’s a disconnect because people feel out of place and are overcompensating. Whatever it is, we are here to put an end to it.
Since neither Emily Post nor
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
have sections on good beer manners, we’ve had to step up and fill in the void for beer bar etiquette. Here’s a guide of do’s and don’ts to help you mind your P’s and Q’s.
Spoiler alert:
Please be aware that after you read this, you’ll no longer be able to say that you didn’t know any better. We’ll be watching.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
have sections on good beer manners, we’ve had to step up and fill in the void for beer bar etiquette. Here’s a guide of do’s and don’ts to help you mind your P’s and Q’s.
Spoiler alert:
Please be aware that after you read this, you’ll no longer be able to say that you didn’t know any better. We’ll be watching.
ORDERING YOUR BEER
D
O ORDER A FLIGHT.
It’s perfectly good beer manners to ask if the bar offers “beer flights.” These are usually found at brewpubs, where breweries want you to get a sampling of their beers. It’s also a great way to test your palate. Try tasting the beers without looking at the names. Find the flavors and try to guess which one is the Brown Ale, which is the Hefeweizen, which is the Stout, and so on.
DO
ASK IF YOU CAN TASTE A DRAUGHT BEER.
Many beer bars offer tastes as a courtesy, showing you different flavors and allowing you to find the best beer for your needs. Try to narrow down which beers you’d like to try by looking at the list and talking to the bartender about your favorite flavors. But just like your mom told you at Baskin-Robbins, taking advantage of this tasting courtesy at a beer bar is a no-no. Try to limit your tastes to two beers—three is pushing it.
DON’T
’
T
DRINK OUT OF THE BOTTLE.
Good beer bars serve beer in the appropriate corresponding glass, which varies greatly in size, depending on the beer. When it’s served like this, you may think you aren’t getting enough of a good thing. But, just as you would not ask for white wine in a Pinot Noir glass, don’t ask for your Tripel in a pint glass. Believe us when we tell you that you are getting your money’s worth. If you had a 16-ounce pint glass full of that 9% Tripel, the beer would be resting too long, causing it to lose carbonation and warm up too quickly for that style. Not only that, but you might find yourself ass over teakettle before the night was through. Pint glasses are perfect for some beer styles but not all beer styles (see Chapter 7).
DO ASK FOR A GLASS IF YOU ORDER A GOOD BOTTLED BEER.
We’ve been to some bars, which shall remain nameless, that dare to bring us a rare specialty Belgian beer, made by monks no less, without even a regular inferior pint glass to pour it into. This would be like ordering a bottle of wine and having it show up without glassware. Would you get the full flavor by drinking out of the bottle? The same applies to good beer. This style of beer should be served in a beautiful goblet or tulip-shaped glass, depending on the beer, just like they do it in beautiful Belgium. If you are a victim of this crime, feel free to ask for a proper glass.
DON’T
SIMPLY ASK FOR A LIGHT BEER OR A DARK BEER OR AN ALE OR A LAGER.
We cannot repeat or stress this enough. This is like going to a wine bar and just asking for a red wine or saying, “I’ll have something white.” This is too vague. It will leave your bartender with too much open room to give you a beer that might not match your palate. Again, go with flavors. Or if you are looking for something that is, say, light in alcohol, ask for that, but add some flavor descriptors. For example, “I’d like a low-alcohol, nutty, amber ale.” This will get you closer to the happiness you deserve.
DO ORDER A FLIGHT.
It’s perfectly good beer manners to ask if the bar offers “beer flights.” These are usually found at brewpubs, where breweries want you to get a sampling of their beers. It’s also a great way to test your palate. Try tasting the beers without looking at the names. Find the flavors and try to guess which one is the Brown Ale, which is the Hefeweizen, which is the Stout, and so on.
MIND YOUR P’S AND Q’S
Haven’t you always wondered what the warning “mind your P’s and Q’s” means? Well, here it is: Mind your pints and quarts. This saying was used in England hundreds of years ago. The barkeeps would say this to patrons when they were getting out of hand, knocking over beers or being generally rowdy. It’s a nice way to say, “Watch your manners or you’ll get a boot in your ass, thanks!”
Oddly enough, mind your P’s and Q’s also has ties to the sea because it was a method of keeping books on the waterfront. Back in ye olden times, sailors were paid a pittance, so seamen drank their ale in taverns whose keepers were willing to extend credit until payday. Since many sailors were illiterate, barkeeps kept a tally of pints and quarts consumed by each sailor on a chalkboard behind the bar. Next to each person’s name, a mark was made under
P
for “pint” or Q for “quart” whenever a seaman ordered another draught.
On payday, each seaman had to pay up for each mark next to his name, so he was forced to mind his P’s and Q’s or he would get into financial trouble. To ensure an accurate count by dubious keepers, sailors had to keep their wits and remain somewhat sober. Sobriety usually ensured good behavior, hence today’s meaning of mind your P’s and Q’s.P
for “pint” or Q for “quart” whenever a seaman ordered another draught.
DOASK IF YOU CAN TASTE A DRAUGHT BEER.
Many beer bars offer tastes as a courtesy, showing you different flavors and allowing you to find the best beer for your needs. Try to narrow down which beers you’d like to try by looking at the list and talking to the bartender about your favorite flavors. But just like your mom told you at Baskin-Robbins, taking advantage of this tasting courtesy at a beer bar is a no-no. Try to limit your tastes to two beers—three is pushing it.
DON’T’
T
DRINK OUT OF THE BOTTLE.
Good beer bars serve beer in the appropriate corresponding glass, which varies greatly in size, depending on the beer. When it’s served like this, you may think you aren’t getting enough of a good thing. But, just as you would not ask for white wine in a Pinot Noir glass, don’t ask for your Tripel in a pint glass. Believe us when we tell you that you are getting your money’s worth. If you had a 16-ounce pint glass full of that 9% Tripel, the beer would be resting too long, causing it to lose carbonation and warm up too quickly for that style. Not only that, but you might find yourself ass over teakettle before the night was through. Pint glasses are perfect for some beer styles but not all beer styles (see Chapter 7).
DO ASK FOR A GLASS IF YOU ORDER A GOOD BOTTLED BEER.We’ve been to some bars, which shall remain nameless, that dare to bring us a rare specialty Belgian beer, made by monks no less, without even a regular inferior pint glass to pour it into. This would be like ordering a bottle of wine and having it show up without glassware. Would you get the full flavor by drinking out of the bottle? The same applies to good beer. This style of beer should be served in a beautiful goblet or tulip-shaped glass, depending on the beer, just like they do it in beautiful Belgium. If you are a victim of this crime, feel free to ask for a proper glass.
DON’TSIMPLY ASK FOR A LIGHT BEER OR A DARK BEER OR AN ALE OR A LAGER.
We cannot repeat or stress this enough. This is like going to a wine bar and just asking for a red wine or saying, “I’ll have something white.” This is too vague. It will leave your bartender with too much open room to give you a beer that might not match your palate. Again, go with flavors. Or if you are looking for something that is, say, light in alcohol, ask for that, but add some flavor descriptors. For example, “I’d like a low-alcohol, nutty, amber ale.” This will get you closer to the happiness you deserve.
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