Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online
Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality
I realized this was probably the case with Edward and his wife when I asked, “Can you bring your wife with you next time?”
“Huh?” he said. “Are you kidding me?” He clearly wasn’t thinking about her needs.
I explained that it was extremely important for me to also treat his partner, adding that nearly every case of premature ejaculation has a simple explanation. It’s one of the most common types of male sexual dysfunction, affecting 20 to 30 percent of all men. In fact, premature ejaculation is a reflex,
not
a psychological abnormality.
Dear Dr. Fisch: Is Chronic Masturbation Cheating?
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I know my husband thinks about other women when he’s jerking off. This is driving me crazy because it feels to me like he’s cheating. Am I wrong to get so steamed?
Signed, Hands Off
Dear Hands Off,
Some women I’ve spoken to think of masturbating as cheating. You may wonder why, but the answer is easy. They know that their partners are indulging in whatever flights of fancy are needed to help them get their rocks off. This might mean fantasies about their second-grade teacher, the hot neighbor next door when they were teenagers, the red-haired executive assistant at work who is happily married and the mother of three, the yoga teacher with the most flexible spine in the Western hemisphere, the sultry actress with the perfect figure you’ll never have, the porn star with the surgically enhanced body you’ll never have (and never would have even if you could afford it!)… You get where I’m going with this.
My advice is: Don’t look for other problems when you don’t have them. Instead, take a step back and assess the real problem. I understand your frustration with your husband, and I wonder if you’re looking for something to blame him for doing. Chronic
masturbation may be a very real problem in your relationship, but it’s a fantasy issue, not a
cheating
problem.
The important questions to ask are: Why do you think this is such a problem? Does your husband name the objects of his fantasies when he’s masturbating? Does he ask you to watch and then not want to have sex with you? Is he doing it in places that might not be appropriate? Or is he possibly masturbating to avoid having sex with
you
?
If so, you need to deal with those realities, but you also have to take the fantasy aspect of masturbation in stride. Fantasy is an integral component of all sexual relationships, as pretend scenarios can stave off bedroom boredom—within reason, of course. It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to never fantasize, but it’s also unrealistic and unfair to you if you know his mind is straying every time you’re in bed together.
If, after you’ve tried this, your partner’s fantasizing continues to bother you, perhaps you could ask him to fantasize about
you
instead. The last thing you want him to say is, “I’m not going to have sex if I can’t fantasize the way I want to!” And that way, you know he’s thinking about you and you only.
Technically speaking, premature ejaculation is when a man loses control over his ejaculation before or just after sexual penetration, often with minimal sexual stimulation. It used to be defined as being unable to have sex for more than two minutes without ejaculating, but this figure is being revised downward to
one minute. Premature ejaculation often happens with minimal sexual stimulation.
There are different ways to control this problem:
By masturbating a
lot
less. A man will in essence un-train his penis from ejaculating quickly through self-stimulation.
By switching sex positions, using extra lubrication to lessen the friction, or trying the stop-and-start technique while having sex.
By using medication or a product to lessen sensitivity. The effectiveness of these medications provides further proof that premature ejaculation is a central brain and nervous system issue that can be fixed.
By taking an extremely low dose of an antidepressant medication such as Zoloft. There’s virtually no antidepressant effect at such a low dose. The typical dose for clinical depression is 200 milligrams per day, while for premature ejaculation, it’s only 25 to 50 milligrams. I don’t know who discovered this fortunate side effect, but he or she is to be thanked by all the men it’s helped!
Still, lots of men don’t want to go to a doctor like me to ask for help and get a prescription. They’d rather go to the drugstore and pick something up over the counter (OTC, or non-prescription). This is not a smart move because self-diagnosis can be nothing more than a waste of money. (Expensive, ineffective vitamins or energy supplements that are merely excreted in urine make for very pricey pee!). In the worst-case scenario, these OTC remedies can have severe, even life-threatening results. For example, an
OTC drug could interfere with medications you’re already taking or may be harmful itself if taken in improper doses.
Hands On: Women and Masturbation
In my years of medical practice, 95 percent of the men I’ve seen or treated masturbate, and many of them have no problem admitting it. But women, as I’ve said, are much less willing to talk about self-pleasuring—their own or their partner’s. Even in the twenty-first century, many women have told me that they were taught that their bodies were “dirty” or that “nice girls don’t touch themselves down there,” leading to lots of guilt and shame. Plus, if you haven’t been taught about anatomy—the function of the clitoris, the difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and so on—you may be less inclined to explore the wonders of your nether regions when the mood strikes.
Another reason some women neglect self-pleasuring is that they think of their system “down there” as annoying because their monthly periods are messy or downright painful, or both. If you have cramps that make you bloated and tender or you experience mood swings related to your period for one week every month, you’re probably not going to be in the mood for some hands-on fun “down there.”
How women feel about their bodies and their openness to freely discussing anatomy, sexual desire, and self-pleasuring are in large part shaped by the media. Watch any TV show on a network that targets women (especially college-age women), and you’ll see an endless repetition of commercials
touting tampons and pads and antidepressants and alcohol and feminine hygiene products (which should be pulled from the market, in my opinion, because they can easily cause irritation and make women feel that their natural body odors, or lack thereof, need to be covered up with a chemical spray).
The message is clear: a woman’s body has “odors” that should be masked. A woman has “medical conditions” that need drugs so she can get better. A woman can “have fun” only if she’s drinking some trendy kind of alcohol. Honestly, if an alien came to earth and saw only those commercials, he’d think that the women of our planet have serious issues with their bodies and their health! It really is a shame that so many women internalize these advertiser-driven messages that their bodily functions are off-kilter or embarrassing, and that their natural scent is something that needs to be washed away. If you come to believe that your vagina is something that’s sort of gross, then why would you want to touch it?
I believe that every woman should be able to bring herself to orgasm. This is an extremely important aspect of having a happy and healthy sexual relationship. You need to know which positions and techniques are most pleasurable for your needs, and you need to be able to share these needs with your partner so he knows what to do to satisfy you. Some women can orgasm incredibly quickly, and some women take longer. If you don’t know your own anatomy, if you don’t know what to expect, and if you don’t practice at it, how will you ever know what will bring you the most joy in bed? It’s like learning to ride a bike. You can’t just hop on and ride. You have to learn how to center yourself so you don’t fall over.
The same is true with masturbation. Female orgasms are highly personal. They don’t necessarily come naturally or easily. You have to be willing to explore how your own body works so that you can orgasm during masturbation and when you are with your partner.
(Side note: Just as some women still feel the need for feminine hygiene products, one of the major myths about sex is that women will orgasm from penile thrusting alone. It’s just not true. No matter how hard or artfully your partner goes at it, at least half of women will never orgasm that way. That’s because female orgasm has little to do with the vagina and everything to do with the clitoris, which usually needs direct, rhythmic stimulation…and which is not located inside the vagina.)
That said—and this is an extremely important point—I am not advocating that women masturbate all the time, either.
Here’s a case in point: Vibrators are like magic buttons for clitoral stimulation, and that’s why women love them for masturbation and as sex toys used with partners. A vibrator’s strength isn’t the issue; it’ll either make you happy or it won’t. Ideally, what you want the vibrator to do is keep you happy when you aren’t able to have sex with your partner (for example, when one of you is traveling) or to help you learn more precisely what kinds of motions or stimulation turn you on the best.
But—and here’s another one of those
big
buts—I am actually not a fan of vibrators or other sex toys for female masturbation because they do the same thing to women that chronic masturbation does to men. This is one of the big disagreements
I have with sex therapists, who often tell women to use a vibrator if they don’t have an orgasm easily.
That might be okay for women who aren’t sexually active but still want the pleasures of masturbation. But I don’t think that’s good advice for those who
are
sexually active, because the ultimate goal is for them to have orgasms with their partners, not their sex toys. The vibrator is so good at stimulating the clitoris that if you use it regularly, you may soon become unable to orgasm without it. That means you may be left unsatisfied during sex with your partner, and who wants that?
The goal with any sexual relationship is to enjoy it together, not to enjoy
yourself
more than the relationship. If you are enjoying your hands-on experience too much, you have to figure out how to make a change-up or do it less frequently, just as men need to vary their masturbation techniques or use them less regularly to be less dependent on them.
For instance, if you take a long time to orgasm, you can start masturbating as part of your foreplay and then have your partner join in while he’s getting ready to do his thing. This can give you both the satisfying experience you’re hoping for. And when you know what stimulates you and gives you the greatest pleasure, have a hands-on experience with your partner, directing his fingers or his mouth. Show him how to move them the way you move your own fingers. Demonstrate what positions work best. Most of all have lots of fun and laughter doing so.
Trust me; the sex life you save will be your own!
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved only two products for OTC treatment of premature ejaculation. One is a lidocaine spray that’s available as a “male desensitizing” spray. The user has to spray it on his penis, rub it in, and then wait five to ten minutes for it to take effect. The other is benzocaine, an ingredient used in a liquid formulation for toothaches and also as a topical anesthetic. Again, it has to be rubbed on and then a man has to wait for five to ten minutes for it to work, but it’s easier to use than the lidocaine spray. (These products have no adverse effects for women having sex with men using them—except, perhaps, in affecting your ready-for-it-now mood!)
To help men out, I’ve created the first benzocaine application in a wipe, called PreBoost (
www.preboost.com
). It can be applied easily and I consider it the most efficient way to not only treat premature ejaculation, but also to help these men enhance the sexual experience, at least long enough for their partners to be satisfied.
Dear Dr. Fisch: Can Kegel Exercises Help Me with My Premature Ejaculation?
Dear Dr. Fisch,
No matter what, I can’t last more than a minute or so when I’m having sex. I read online that Kegel exercises can help. Is this true or just an Internet myth?
Signed, Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
I don’t blame you for feeling that way, as the average man has sex for five to ten minutes. But premature ejaculation is the number one cause of sexual dysfunction in men, and at one time or another, half of all men have to deal with it.
I wish I could say Kegel exercises could help you, but they can’t. These exercises contract and relax the pelvic-floor muscles. They help women who have stress incontinence but don’t do anything for a man’s penis.
We’ve talked about men’s ejaculation issues, so now it’s time to turn to women. As you probably know, when a woman is sexually aroused, the walls of her vagina secrete a clear, slippery fluid that facilitates intercourse. As with everything else about humans, there is a fairly wide range of normal for vaginal lubrication. Some women produce lubrication easily and copiously, while others take longer and produce a lot less.
Staying “wet” is actually a big problem for many women. A study published in the February 2013 issue of the
Journal of Sexual Medicine
reported that 95 percent of women don’t have enough lubrication to last during an entire lovemaking session, especially one that takes place over an extended time. (I was
shocked
when I saw that high number—and it takes a lot to shock me!) At some point, women may become dry. This can take sex from wonderful to “Whoa, stop.” It can really hurt. Who wants to have sex when it’s causing them pain?
Lack of lubrication also affects women in other ways. It is one
of the most common causes of sexual dysfunction in women. If you’re too dry, you’ll never have an orgasm because your clitoris will not be able to get the stimulation it needs. It just gets dry, painful friction instead. In addition, dryness can lead to vaginal irritation, vaginal infections, and urinary tract infections, none of which are good for your health—or your sex life.