The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (10 page)
Read The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass Online
Authors: Bill Maher
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Political, #General, #Topic, #Political Science, #Essays
F
FRENCH DISSINGNew Rule:
Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word “France.” Like just calling something French is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, “What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully conceived and brilliantly executed war in Iraq?” And yet an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement “France has a better health-care system than we do, and we should steal it.” Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. John Kerry? Couldn’t vote for him—he looked French. Yeah, as opposed to the other guy, who just looked stupid.Last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent turned out. You couldn’t get eighty-five percent of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between tits and bigger tits and they were giving out free samples.Maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research, or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it’s not a drawback. The electorate doesn’t vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with. Nor do they care about private lives: In the current race, Madame Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she’s a socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him “liberal,” he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.Royal’s opponent
is
married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are
okay
with that, for the same reason they’re okay with nude beaches: because they’re not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts. They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, “I’m no good at multitasking.”Like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music—but their health care is the best in the industrialized world, as is their poverty rate. And they’re completely independent of Mid-East oil. And they’re the greenest country. And they’re not fat. They have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil. They invented sex during the day, lingerie, and the tongue. Can’t we admit we could learn
something
from them?—May 4, 2007
New Rule:
Stop showing me pictures of celebrities I used to think were hot without makeup. If Christina Aguilera wanted us to see what she looks like first thing in the morning, she’d pass out faceup.
FAILURE TO LUNCHStop showing me pictures of celebrities I used to think were hot without makeup. If Christina Aguilera wanted us to see what she looks like first thing in the morning, she’d pass out faceup.
New Rule:
If you work in an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now “cook,” “defrost,” and “hepatitis.” If you’re not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.
FAITH HEELIf you work in an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now “cook,” “defrost,” and “hepatitis.” If you’re not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.
New Rule:
In the future, you don’t need to show us the picture of guys like Terry Jones. Once you tell us he’s an Evangelical pastor, he’s from Florida, and he wants to burn the Koran to send a message to them A-rabs . . . we’re pretty sure he looks like this.
FASHION OF THE CHRISTIn the future, you don’t need to show us the picture of guys like Terry Jones. Once you tell us he’s an Evangelical pastor, he’s from Florida, and he wants to burn the Koran to send a message to them A-rabs . . . we’re pretty sure he looks like this.
New Rule:
If you’re known for beating the mother of your child, you probably shouldn’t wear a wife-beater.
FASHION STATEMENTIf you’re known for beating the mother of your child, you probably shouldn’t wear a wife-beater.
New Rule:
The president of Iran needs a makeover. You’re a nuclear power now; isn’t it time you dressed like it? You’ve got 160 centrifuges—and one suit. Forget enriching uranium, you need to enrich your wardrobe. You’re going to wipe Israel off the face of the earth looking like
that
? I don’t think so. You’re on Schindler’s Worst-Dressed List.
FEMINOSEYThe president of Iran needs a makeover. You’re a nuclear power now; isn’t it time you dressed like it? You’ve got 160 centrifuges—and one suit. Forget enriching uranium, you need to enrich your wardrobe. You’re going to wipe Israel off the face of the earth looking like
that
? I don’t think so. You’re on Schindler’s Worst-Dressed List.
New Rule:
Stop trying to “fix” men. Scientists have developed a hormone-laced nasal spray that makes men more emotional and sensitive. It’s called Gaysonex. And the only side effects are dry mouth, a mild headache, and a slight tingling around your vagina. Ladies, what if we developed a drug that made you more horny and easy? I mean, besides vodka and Red Bull.
FENDER NEUTRALStop trying to “fix” men. Scientists have developed a hormone-laced nasal spray that makes men more emotional and sensitive. It’s called Gaysonex. And the only side effects are dry mouth, a mild headache, and a slight tingling around your vagina. Ladies, what if we developed a drug that made you more horny and easy? I mean, besides vodka and Red Bull.
New Rule:
Schools need bumper stickers for the kids who are
never
going to be honor students. Why punish the low achievers? How about bumper stickers that say . . .
Schools need bumper stickers for the kids who are
never
going to be honor students. Why punish the low achievers? How about bumper stickers that say . . .
New Rule:
Stop criticizing the company that distributes Braille porn. Why shouldn’t the sightless enjoy porn? What, are they gonna go
more
blind?
FIRTH CONTROLStop criticizing the company that distributes Braille porn. Why shouldn’t the sightless enjoy porn? What, are they gonna go
more
blind?
New Rule:
Colin Firth has to admit that he’s not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He’s handsome, charming, witty, he’s got that accent and a gay best friend . . . the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs.
FIRTH PRIZEColin Firth has to admit that he’s not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He’s handsome, charming, witty, he’s got that accent and a gay best friend . . . the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs.
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