The New Topping Book (15 page)

If your bottom goes into “The Forever Place,” that places an extra burden of responsibility on you; she has no judgment, so you have to provide enough for both of you. Keep an extra-close eye on physical signals like welts, bruises, abrasions and blisters, and watch for dizziness, trembling and nausea (all signs that the bottom is beginning to “overload” and may be on the verge of fainting). Be ultra-respectful of the limits the two of you agreed on beforehand: a bottom in “The Forever Place” may be absolutely thrilled to see the brass knuckles that she said “absolutely not” to, but that doesn’t make it OK to use them – such a bottom’s consent is no longer very meaningful.

Bottoms who never seem to get enough are called, somewhat ruefully, “bottomless pits.” Such bottoms can be frustrating for a top, because you can wear yourself to a sweating panting frazzle and still get a wistful “Are we done already?” for your trouble. Some tops like to keep one or more very intense toys or techniques for use in convincing the bottom who thinks she can never get enough.

Dossie remembers a public performance she once gave:

In the early ’80s, two other women and I produced an erotic performance, the first public S/M demonstration in San Francisco woman-space as far as I know. We staged a kidnapping of a “random” victim from the audience (actually my lover), and made a big point of establishing consent so the audience wouldn’t freak out – including having my “victim” select the whip I would beat her with, which was a relatively gentle braided cat. We had planned a counting scene for a birthday beating, in which she was supposed to control the length and intensity of the beating by counting strokes at the number she was comfortable with… so the scene started out “one – whack – two – whack – three – whack – three – whack – three – whack” and so on. Our agreement was that when we got close to her birthday age, I would hit her as hard as she liked and end at 33. Well, she got into the Forever Place and forgot she was supposed to want to stop, and kept counting “30, 30, 30.” I couldn’t get her attention, and I couldn’t very well break the rules of play I had so carefully established, so eventually I had to give up, announce that she had won, congratulate her and escort her off the stage, hoping nobody would notice me shushing her when she wanted to know why I had stopped when it was feeling so good
.

C
LOSURE
. Ending the scene is one of the most important factors in helping make sure you and your bottom will both remember the scene fondly later. A sudden, unexpected or clumsy ending can take all the joy out of a scene that’s been pretty nice up until that moment.

Ending a scene takes place in three parts: preparation, closure and aftercare. During the preparation stage, while you’re still actually playing, you need to signal to the bottom that the scene will end soon, so he can begin to come back into the real world and pull himself or herself together. Dossie likes to pick out a fairly heavy toy such as a cane, show it to the bottom, and ask the bottom to pick how many heavy strokes between one and ten (or 20, or 50) he is ready to take before ending the scene.

If your scene is more about control than sensation, you may want to give the bottom a particularly difficult task – “repeat the following phrase 100 times, without error, while acting as my footstool” – with the understanding that the scene will end when he completes the task to your satisfaction. You can string something like this out according to your own judgment by choosing how picky you want to get about what constitutes successful completion of the task.

Janet remembers:

I was doing an ageplay scene in which I was a very naughty nine-year-old girl and my Daddy, having spanked me thoroughly, was making me write a letter of apology to the principal of my school. I was so completely in role that my handwriting was the Palmer cursive which was taught to children when I was young (and with which I had struggled in great frustration in grade school). As he rejected one draft after another – too messy, too short, not apologetic enough – I sank deeper and deeper into role, and got more and more frustrated with my poor handwriting. Fortunately, he saw that I was growing genuinely upset, and chose that moment to “accept” my latest draft – even though it was not as good as some of the previous ones
.

The main thing to remember about closure is to avoid suddenness. Withdrawing from your bottom while she’s still floating around out in bottom space is clumsy and unkind, and can feel like a dreadful abandonment. Give your partner plenty of warning, in whatever way works for both of you, that the scene is drawing to an end.

W
INDING
D
OWN
. After the formal scene is over, most players want and need some decompression time – hugging, cuddling, talking, dozing, eating, showering, whatever it takes to stabilize both of you back in the real world. (We offered a fairly lengthy set of suggestions for decompression in
The New Bottoming Book.
) It’s not a good idea to let your bottom attempt complex or dangerous tasks right after a scene, when he may still be endorphined out and perhaps still in suggestible bottom space.

An S/M scene is not over until both (or all) of you have returned to the real world, to a more or less functional mental state, intimately connected and happy as clams, albeit perhaps a little stupid. This is a good time to relax and enjoy the connection. Some traditions have it that after a scene the bottom should scurry about and clean up the toys, but we prefer to wait until the bottom is recovered enough to do so without breaking anything. We like to respect and enjoy the general incompetence of warm fuzzy endorphined-out bottoms, and share in that state ourselves.

So invest some time in snuggling, sharing something to eat or drink, perhaps a warm bath (hot tubs are great for this!). You can rub any sore muscles, or have your bottom rub yours. Putting icepacks on bruises, brushing hair, washing any body parts that might have gotten sticky – grooming behaviors feel good here, and are a nice way to indicate caring nurturance.

Sometimes, especially after a particularly intense scene when you’ve been a very good top, your bottom may need support in returning to normal consciousness. If your bottom spaces out and you feel like you can’t quite reach him or her, stay close and in physical contact. If you stay connected, you can probably enjoy the spaced-out feeling too. Allow a little time. Call the person by name; Dossie likes to blow in her ear. Touch her firmly, rub muscles, and gently move joints. A glass of water or something to eat is always grounding. Ask about the journey – talking gets us back in our heads – and welcome your friend back. Remember, if your bottom goes very far out it’s probably because you were a very good top.

And how about you? How do you return to normal consciousness after you’ve been playing God? It’s a mistake to think that aftercare is offered for the bottom’s sake only. Many tops need this kind of warmth and reassurance as well, to remind them that they’re not really the mean nasty horrible bullies they were acting like just a few minutes before. And you probably don’t want to try running a staff meeting or driving the Indy 500 right after a scene, either; tops get endorphin-y, too, and bossy top energy – which can be a problem in the real world – can’t be turned off like a faucet.

So share the cool-down cycle with your bottom. Luxuriate. If there’s something you like after a scene, let your bottom know, and help your bottom take care of you. If your orgasm is scheduled for after the scene, check in with your bottom to make sure she has recovered enough to make love to you with all the energy and focus you’ve been looking forward to – you’ll get the best treatment if you’re not in a hurry. Remember, you’re playing with someone you
like
(at least we hope you are!); take the time to enjoy her company as you float gently back to reality.

10

A
ND
I
F
I
T
D
OESN’T
G
O
T
HE
W
AY
Y
OU
P
LANNED
?

W
e believe that if you never ever ever have a scene go haywire, with unexpected physical or emotional consequences, you may not be taking enough risks. After all, the reason most of us do S/M is to explore territories that we find a little risky and challenging; if you’re sticking so close to the center of the trail that you never get lost in the woods, you may want to reconsider your pathway.

The standard by which tops should be judged isn’t in whether their scenes ever go wrong (within, of course, basic standards of safety and consent); it’s in how well they handle it when things
do
go wrong. So let’s talk a bit about the kinds of things that cause problems in scenes, and how you can handle them when they come up.

E
MOTIONAL
G
LITCHES
. In our experience, by far the most common scene mishap is an unforeseen emotional reaction on the part of a participant – panic, anger, grief, regression or other intense emotion. Freak-outs happen for a variety of reasons: flashbacks to buried memories of abuse or trauma; one or another partner “forgetting” that the scene is supposed to be playful and consensual, and getting the role and the reality confused; real-world emotion inadvertently sneaking into scene space: the possibilities are manifold.

There is no way to reliably prevent emotional mishaps, but there are ways to minimize their frequency. Nobody knows themselves well enough to predict
all
their own reactions and hot buttons, but telling your partner about aspects of your background or belief system will help him or her to steer clear or navigate cautiously. (Yes, we’re off on that old honesty thing again.) Similarly, you should try to play with people who you trust to share this kind of information openly with you, so you don’t cavalierly snap your snazzy new Smith and Wesson handcuffs onto someone who was recently brutalized by an abusive cop. (This doesn’t mean you should never play around someone’s traumas, but it does mean you should do so only with proper negotiation, safeguards and cautions – see Chapter 14 for more information.)

Still, with all the good intentions and good negotiations in the world, freak-outs will happen. And your first challenge as a top is to figure out when they’re happening, which may not always be as easy as it seems. Someone who’s freaking out may be unable to use their safeword, so you can’t rely on that signpost. A sudden and dramatic change in response – when someone who’s been thrashing and screaming suddenly gets quiet and still, or someone who’s been acting happy and turned on suddenly begins to cry or struggle – is cause for concern. So is an unwillingness or inability to respond to simple questions or directions. A freak-out may be subtler than that… Janet remembers:

I was doing a scene with a regular but still fairly new play partner – basically a straightforward cock &ball torture scene, although we’d been discussing beforehand his fantasy about being a captive soldier getting tortured by an Indian maiden. Things were going along fine for an hour or so. I noticed at one point, though, that he had turned his head so that we were no longer making eye contact, and he didn’t seem to be talking much. I asked, “Are you still with me?” and he responded in sort of an odd voice, “I’m not sure…” so I got him out of the bondage fast. Later, he explained that the fantasy had started to seem real to him – he was really beginning to believe that he was going to be tortured slowly to death – and that any safewords or similar communication would have been perceived by his “torturer” as a sign of weakness, so all he dared do was turn his head and hope that if it really was still me, I’d notice.

Unfortunately, most of the signs that something has gone wrong can, under other circumstances or with other bottoms, be signs that everything is going exactly
right
: some bottoms love to cry in scene, and a bottom who’s left his or her body in bliss acts pretty much like one who’s withdrawn in terror. So to find out what’s going on, you have to ask.

First, try one of the check-ins we mentioned in the previous chapter. If your bottom can’t or won’t respond, you should probably assume that he’s in trouble.

Your strategy now will be a stronger version of the decompression you use at the end of a scene. First, get out of role yourself – your bottom doesn’t need a schoolmistress right now, he needs a friend. Quickly and calmly remove any bondage or restraints; find out if he wants any scene symbols such as collars removed – some bottoms want them off right away, while others may feel rejected and abandoned if you remove them. Make sure he is physically warm – being wrapped in a cozy blanket feels very good to someone who’s feeling emotionally chaotic.

Then, just put your arms around your partner and wait. Don’t try to initiate conversation at first unless he seems to want to talk; let your bottom come back from whatever scary or angry or sad place he’s in at an appropriate pace. It may be difficult at this point to suppress your own need for reassurance – you may, quite understandably, be feeling very scared and guilty – but now isn’t the time to take care of you, it’s the time to take care of your bottom. Later, when he is feeling better, you can get some support for yourself.

As the bottom starts to come back, he may want to talk about what went wrong, or he may just want to be taken care of some more. Supplying a snack to elevate blood sugar and a beverage to rehydrate is very smart. He might want to be put to bed to sleep off the stress of the freak-out, or to be given a nice warm bath.