Authors: Valerie Miner
Even though the table was out of the way, Reverend Clara and several other people came up to tell Lou it was good to see him “out and about.” He gave them that dazzling grin. I didn't tell him about the rumours that he was in seclusion with AIDS.
“Such a great film,” he said after Paolo served his special spinach
ravioli
.
“Yeah, I saw it years ago and I mostly remembered Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis clowning around in 20s dresses,” I laughed. “But this time I noticed how gorgeous Marilyn Monroe is.”
“A little
zaftig
for
moi
,” Lou scrunched his face.
“Oh, come on, remember that glimmering mermaid dress. A classic female beauty.”
“I thought you were the classic female beautyâshort, dark, wirey.”
I hooted.
He shrugged. “Your little butt is much cuter than Marilyn's Renaissance curves.”
“The train scene was hilarious,” I took a final bite of Paolo's delectable special. Maybe I'd order a
tiramisu
.
“Yeah, it's James' favourite film. He's seen it like 12 times.”
“Oh, yes?” I sipped the wine, incomprehensibly upset. All right, so maybe I just wanted to spend
one
evening without James.
“You OK?”
“Yes, fine.” Ashamed of my petulance, I knew I should feel grateful for Lou's joy.
“Oh, yes, he's a big movie buff. It's one of the great things we have in common.”
What else could they have in common besides their penises? Actually, Lou was studying soccer, attending local matches, reading
sports magazines
.
“Things are going well?” I would skip dessert and order a glass of port.
“Actually, I have a secret.”
“A secret?” I had come to dread Lou's mysteries.
“I found his phone number. Why I never thought of this, I don't know. He's listed in the Miami phone book!”
“You're going to surprise him with a telephone call?”
He threw his head back. “We've been making love forever and I've never even heard his voice. I simply can't stand it any longer.”
“When are you going to phone?”
“Friday night, before our log-in time.”
The message on my machine was forlorn. “It was the wrong number. I'm
désolé
.”
Somehow I couldn't help feeling this wrong number was a sign. A blessing.
Spring bloomed early. The white and purple lilacs in front of Lou's house were intoxicating. Gardening urges prevailed. With Lou's permission, I constructed double-dug beds on my side of the duplex. One for flowers; another for lettuces and herbs. Growing up in San Diego, I was used to gorgeous wild flowers. The arugula shot up in a week. How had I spent all those years surrounded by New York concrete?
In a strange way, the garden fostered our friendship. Lou would wander out on weekend mornings, still drinking his mocha Java, while I picked greens and mucked in the soil.
One morning he paced back and forth by the flowers, wordlessly.
“What's going on?” I frowned, dreading another secret.
“I'm lonely,” he squatted down beside me.
I liked his new emerald earring. One more step away from the cowboy heritage. I took a deep breath. “What about James?”
“Precisely the prob. It's heartbreaking having a fabulous lover whose voice you can't hear. Is it deep and gravelly? Medium pitched and mellow? A lover whose eyes you can't see. Brown. But what colour brown? Chocolate? The whole thing is worse than being alone.”
“Worse?” I mused.
“Sorry, I know you miss Amy,” he said.
I wanted to hit him.
What
did he actually know about me?
“But with James I have the
promise
of intimacy, without the, I don't know, the
reality
of it.”
Finally
, I thought. “Yes, it must be hard.”
Abruptly he stood and bent his head back to the heavens. “I just
have
to
do
something.”
“Like what?” I waved my trowel.
“An ultimatum,” he decreed. “It's James's birthday next month. And I plan to deliver his present in person. I'm going to end it if James doesn't let me visit.”
“Whoa,” I stood up, almost mashing a bibb lettuce.
He held his ground outside the double-dug bed.
“You're taking a serious risk.”
“It's not worth living without risk.”
I considered my own move to Clapton and starting my new, not perfect, but still very good life.
“Yes,” I nodded. “I hope it works.”
The next few months were tough.
James said he liked the suspense afforded by distance.
OK, Lou responded, he was signing off until he got an affirmative answer.
Every night he received a sweet or erotic or demanding note from James.
Every night he replied once. “When can I visit?”
Sometimes James would answer that it wasn't time yet and beg Lou to understand. Sometimes he didn't write back.
Sometimes Lou would invite me for an evening walk.
More and more often he would open a new sherry bottle and stare at the computer screen as if he could extract James straight through it.
Honestly, I don't know how he made it to work after several of those Dry Sack nights.
Kate wanted to do an A.A. intervention as she had done for her dad. Dennis said Lou wasn't alcoholic, just a forlorn lover. We tried to lure him up to Maine for a week. He refused, complaining of overload at the office.
The fourth night in Bar Harbor, Dennis called me to the phone. “A friend of yours.”
Lou's voice was high, with more drawl than I'd heard in a long time. “He said âyes'! We decided on early July. Now I'm paralysed. Will you go with me? I'll pay your fare.”
“Well, Amy has a conference in Miami coming up. Maybe I could hang out with her while you and James are carousing.” I made this up. If he thought I was going to baby sit Petie while the two of them transformed virtual into actual, he was nuts.
“Amy,” he sniffed. Then, not wanting to offend, “Of course it would be nice for you two to see each other after all this time.”
I sat down. “Lou, why do you want me to come?”
“Well,
of course
, I'm
terrified
and I need a hand to hold. But truly, more than that, since I'm meeting his son, I wanted James to meet
my
family.”
“Oh,” my eyes filled.
“I told him I was bringing my sister.”
“You already told him I was coming?!” I was amused and annoyed.
I could see him shrug.
Of course I agreed. This is what friends did.
During Clapton's warm June, I imagined Miami's heat. Every night the crickets sang me to sleep. When I
could
sleep. Often I'd doze for several hours and awake bathed in sweat. Was this early menopause? No, I was worried about Lou. Worried that he'd be swept off his feet and move to Florida. Worried he'd invite James and Petie to take over my side of the duplex. Or that he'd have his heart broken.
As departure date approached, Lou fussed and flurried about his hair cut, his tropical wardrobe, Petie's present. He'd made reservations for us at the Sheraton, insisting on paying for everything. His little sister's orchestra salary clearly couldn't cover costs. Although I doubted the wisdom/sanity of this journey, I was relieved Lou didn't expect us to stay with James and Petie.
He scheduled the fashion show for Sunday night, after dinner. Summer heat swelled and I'd opened all the windows, set the fans on high. Lou's shirts billowed as he stood in front of the floor fan. The striped seersucker: too preppy, we decided. The floral Hawaiian: too gaudy. He finally settled on three light weight cotton pastelsâand, against my adviceâa red one with Japanese dragons.
“What about gaudy?” I asked.
He smiled to himself, “Oh, James will
love
this shirt.”
Who knew? Maybe they'd spiced up their sex with a dragon theme? I'd never seen Lou so elatedâor so anxious.
“And for Petie,” Lou shook his head. By this time, he was leaning across my grandmother's embroidered tablecloth. “I just don't know. You have to bring a kid presents.” He took a long drink of decaf. He'd gone off the sherry. Altogether Lou was looking healthier.
“Well, let's see,” I shifted my rattan chair closer to a fan. “He's turning six, right?”
“And to think he was just a five year old when James and I met!”
Smiling at his nostalgia, I suggested, “How about a computer game? Clearly his father/uncle knows computers. Kids love computer games.”
“That's brill. Absolutely brill. I'll go shopping tomorrow.”
I poured another round of coffee.
“And now for James!” his voice rose with excitement. “I have this idea for a ukulele.”
Doubt must have shadowed my face.
“Oh, it's a little joke between us. I won't buy anything expensive. As a musician, I thought you might know where to send me.”
“Well, it's not a
standard
orchestra instrument,” I laughed. “But I do have a friend who's an aficionado of American roots music and I'll phone him.”
“You're a doll!” he grinned.
Temperatures climbed higher and higher that last week. Flowers wilted and lettuce bolted or shrivelled. I thought our performances sagged, too. The whole town was exhausted.
A two hour flight delay: Lou spent the entire time pacing Logan Airport so his shirt wouldn't wrinkle. Just as well, I couldn't read with him fidgeting next to me. Although they'd exchanged photos, Lou and James wanted
instant
recognition and had agreed to wear lime green shirts. (James promised to make a key lime pie for us.)
As we landed and walked past the security gate, Lou was shaking.
“Breathe,” I advised.
“Good idea,” he managed a smile.
We scanned the waiting crowds. Two by two, three by three, passengers peeled away with relatives and friends and limo drivers. I hoped Lou would find them first, but neither of us was having any luck.
“Maybe they gave up and went home,” Lou's face fell. “I did leave a message with Petie about the delay. Sometimes kids, you know, aren't so ⦔
At that moment I spotted the reliable Petie holding his parent's hand. No, I shivered, I was imagining things. He was just
one
six year old. There must be others.
More people disappeared from the waiting area.
Petie was trying to run toward us, restrained by a firm, gentle arm.
I took Lou's hand and nodded to the pair.
“Big joke,” he grumbled.
“No, really,” I said, feeling his skin grow cold.
We approached tentatively and I asked, “Petie?”
The kid broke into a bright smile.
“I'm Andrea.”
Lou stared, dumbfounded.
“James?” I turned to the gorgeous, busty blond woman in the lime green blouse.
“I've heard so much about you, Andrea,” James smiled.
Lou stared silently as our host handed him a rose.
We followed them in our rental car. James stopped at a weathered house in a dicey neighbourhood near the freeway. No ocean in sight. I held Lou's hand as we walked into the spotless living room.
James didn't stop staring at Lou.
Lou couldn't return the glance.
Six year old energy sizzled around us.
“Petie,” I said. “Uncle Lou brought you a present.”
“Oh, yes,” Lou pulled out the gift.
“A computer game, wow!” Petie grinned and headed off to another room.
“Did you forget to say something to Uncle Lou?” James asked quietly.
“Thank you, thank you, Uncle Lou!” The boy knew, by instinct, that a hug was not in order.
Lou nodded stiffly, paler than I had seen him all summer.
James invited us to the table and served a rich macaroni and cheese. “I have iced tea. Or beer if you prefer.”
“Beer,” Lou said, “that would help, I mean, that would be great.”
I was going to suggest that he present the ukulele, but Lou, who was still gripping the rose, suddenly jabbed himself on a thorn. Blood spurted over the white placemats.
He asked for a band aid. And some disinfectant.
Being the parent of a six year old, first aid was one of Lou's needs that James could satisfy.
After Lou was bandaged, we returned to a now cold and rubbery macaroni.
“How was the flight?” James asked cordially.
Lou stared out a window at passing cars.
“Fine, fine, once we got on the plane,” I said.
We fell into silence. I couldn't stand it any more: Lou's moroseness and James' forced cheer.
Suddenly, abruptly, rudely, I asked. “James, we're confused here. Tell us, are you a man or a woman?”
James started to weep.
That broke the spell.
Lou went over and put his arms around James. “Tell us, dear, we'll understand.”
That's my friend, Lou, I thought, kindness itself.
“OK,” James breathed deeply.
Lou sat down.
James poured out the whole story about growing up happily as a female, but realising after Petie was born that she was really a guy. She? He? At this point, I didn't know how to identify this person. James told us about consulting a sex change counsellor, but with a waitressing income, s/he knew it was going to take years to save enough money for hormone treatments and surgery.
Lou's eyes got wider and wider.
Suddenly James stood and wrapped alabaster arms around Lou declaring, “I've never met another gay man who's so sensitive and smart, who arouses me the way you do. Oh, I just hope, somehow you can forgive me. Somehow that you'll understand. Somehow that you'll wait for me. It could take time.”
Lou disentangled himself and kissed James on the forehead.
“Time. Yes, I think I need a little time to process things,” Lou said gently.