The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (16 page)

78 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Mother-Speak

“My daughter didn’t want me to leave her until she fell asleep,

but I couldn’t always stay with her for a half hour. So I devel-

oped the phrase ‘you go.’ I’d let her know when the time was

near but let her choose the exact moment, then she would

tell me when to go. She would control the separation. When

she was ready and said, ‘You go,’ I kissed her and left. This still

works, although now she says, ‘You go,’ after a minute and not

a half hour.”

—Bonnie, mother of nineteen-year-old Ariella, seventeen-year-

old Yonina, fi fteen-year-old Dovi, thirteen-year-old Mordechai,

nine-year-old Yedidya, and four-year-old Liora

Make Sure You Aren’t Missing Something

Be certain that your child doesn’t have problems with a teacher, care-

giver, or another child at school or daycare. It might be a red fl ag if he

shows separation anxiety only in one specifi c situation but is fi ne at all

other times. Also, be sure your child doesn’t have an unrealistic fear or

Zachary, two years old, and Zoe, Madeline, and Mia,

all seven years old

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
79

belief that is making him anxious. Some gentle questioning and astute

observation might lead you to the reason for his concerns.

Be Honest and Straightforward

Sometimes you don’t have a choice about separation. Perhaps you’ve

tried your best, but your child hasn’t relaxed at all. Regardless of her

tears and pleading, you have to leave, and it has to be now. That’s the

time to be clear, concise, and honest in a respectful yet fi rm manner:

“I must leave now, and I don’t have time to linger. Say good-bye now.

[kiss, hug] Love you, honey.” Later, review the suggestions throughout

this book and put together a plan to follow over the next few weeks

to help your child deal with separation anxiety issues.

If you’ve left your child in a safe, loving environment, then depart

with confi dence. Don’t punish yourself with guilt. Focus on the facts

of the situation minus the emotion. Move on with your business of

the day. Continue to try all the other separation anxiety ideas over

the coming weeks, and you’ll likely see your child become more con-

fi dent and independent.

This page intentionally left blank

5

Solving Specifi c

Separation Situations

The ideas in the earlier chapters of this book are tools you can use

to help your child work through her separation anxiety. This sec-

tion will add to your resources to provide you with specifi c tips for her

unique situation. Add what you learn here to what you already know

to further customize your plan to help your child deal with those

times in life when separation is unavoidable.

Be Observant and Flexible

In any parenting situation there are as many solutions as there are

children who need them. Different personalities, diverse family

styles, and unique situations all infl uence your best plan of action.

Even after you’ve devised one, it’s key to stay in tune with your child’s

progress to further refi ne that plan. Remember, too, that children

grow and change day by day, so an idea that might work today could

well require an adjustment tomorrow. Parenting keeps you on your

toes, but fi nding that right balance of ideas to help your child leads to

some of the most rewarding moments you’ll have as a parent.

Make Use of Helpful Children’s Books

Reading books to your child is a great way to bring ideas to light, and

they can be a perfect way to open conversations. On my website I

have provided lists of children’s book options that you and your child

might enjoy. You’ll fi nd a number of suggestions for each specifi c sep-

aration anxiety situation a
t www.nocrysolution.com.

81

82 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

As a rule, read any book yourself fi rst to be certain it is right for

your child. Avoid any that approach the issue from a negative view-

point or that create new worries for your child by bringing up prob-

lems that she hasn’t even thought of! Aim for those books that show

her that she’s not alone in her concerns and that present solutions in

an uplifting and encouraging way. Look for those providing specifi c

tips and a happy ending.

Children’s stories can be especially helpful since a child can con-

sider her circumstances from a safe distance through a third-person

experience as she observes the character in the story. This can make

it easier to examine the situation unemotionally and learn some good

coping skills.

Lots of Ideas and Many Uses

You might want to take the time to read over all the ideas in this

section. Reading about something ahead of time can prepare you

for future issues, or you may pick up an idea that will help a friend.

Also, an idea listed under one topic can often apply to another; for

example, something in the section on babysitters might serve a child

who is nervous about attending daycare for the fi rst time, since many

of the tips can be modifi ed for use in different situations.

At Home and Out of Sight: When You Can’t

Leave the Room

A trigger for my son’s separation anxiety is when I am in the

house but not available to him (like when I take a shower or

work in my offi ce). Often he will pound on the door, crying

and yelling. I don’t answer him because I’m afraid it will

upset him more to know that I am there but not coming out.

Instead, my husband will tell him that Mommy will be back

soon. This doesn’t help, and he continues to cry.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
83

This is an amazingly common scenario! Many mothers of toddlers

wonder if they will ever be able to use the bathroom again in peace.

While it may seem easier not to respond to your child’s cries, this

can make matters worse, since he thinks that you have disappeared

forever. The good news is that children outgrow this phase, and you

can move things along by using some of the following ideas.

•
Play the door game.
You can help your child feel better about

being on the other side of the door by playing a game. Start by mak-

ing animal noises. Pick a noisy creature like a cow, lion, or dog.

Encourage your child to guess the animal, or just have him echo you.

Once he has the gist of the game, then sit him on the fl oor and go

inside the door, leaving it open an inch. Play the game that way and

then with the door closed. After that you can play the game when

you are in the bathroom and he is outside the door. Not only will

he have fun, but it will help him understand that while you are in a

room with the door closed you’re still there, even though he can’t see

you.

•
Have practice sessions.
Allow another person to engage your

baby in playtime—along with you. Then slowly back up and sit a

few feet away. After a little while, get up and leave the room for a

few minutes, coming back before your child gets upset and making

a happy entrance, “Looks like you two are having fun!” Slowly build

up the time to fi ve minutes, fi fteen minutes, and so on. A few short

practice sessions each day will help your child deal with longer neces-

sary separations.

•
Get your child occupied in play.
Before you leave the room,

get your child involved in an activity, then have another adult take

over and step back. A great activity for a baby or toddler is looking

out the window at the trees or neighborhood, because your child’s

focus will be outside and away from you. Once the caregiver and your

child are engaged, you can make your exit and allow them to con-

tinue playing.

•
Allow your baby some independent time.
Look for opportuni-

ties to encourage your baby’s independent play throughout the day.

Often our children are so endearing to us that we don’t realize there

are times we can and should encourage a bit of independence—it’s

84 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

good for your child to learn that he can entertain himself. Begin to

take notice of times when your little one is happily occupied with a

toy. When you see this happening, step away from him. If he accepts

this, step away a bit farther. If that works, get involved in something,

like cooking or working on your computer, so that you can keep an

eye on him but be busy with something else. These practice sessions

will pay off when you go that one step farther and he can’t see you

behind a door.

•
Break up your time apart into chunks.
In some cases it can

help to break down your separation into parts, coming in and out

of the room in segments. Start with short separations and build the

time into longer spans as your child becomes used to it. As an exam-

ple, if you are getting ready for the day, start the process a half hour

earlier than needed so that you can pop in and out of view.

•
Create a special box of toys.
Fill a special box with an assort-

ment of appealing toys. Pull it out only when you need to separate,

such as times when you are working in your home offi ce or when you

are showering. When you are done, close up the box and put it away

for next time. Rotate the items in the box so that it always contains

something interesting. Make it an exciting part of your routine, and

soon your child will be looking forward to it.

•
Bring your child in with you sometimes.
There are times when

you need your child on the other side of the door and times when it’s

less important. As an example, when you are getting ready in the

morning, you can have your child stay with someone else when you

are showering, then put on a bathrobe and bring your child in with

you while you do your hair and makeup. Create a special spot on the

fl oor for your little one to play. Keep in mind that his need to be tied

to your side will lessen over time, and you may even miss this once he

no longer has to be in the room with you.

•
Allow others to have more time with your child.
Very often

a child becomes particularly needy with one parent above all other

human beings. This is often because that person tends to his basic

needs nearly all the time. If this is the case, that one person (often

Mommy) becomes a security object, so it’s unfair to be the daily con-

stant in his life and then ask him to separate from you happily only

when you need him to.