The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (23 page)

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
117

•
Suggest a unique sleeping place.
If, at the sleepover, the chil-

dren sleep in regular beds in a bedroom, it may be a little too much

like home but different enough to cause homesickness. A better loca-

tion for a sleepover is often in sleeping bags in the family room or

on the fl oor in a makeshift tent. The uniqueness of the location can

help overcome sleeptime worries.

•
Have a call-home plan.
Most children feel better if told they

can call you to come home by a certain time of night. They can tell

the host’s mother, “I don’t feel good. I’d like to call home,” which is

true
s
ince “not feeling good” covers emotional suffering as well as

physical pain. You can even have a code phrase for your child to say if

he’s changed his mind and wants to come home. Talk over the event

the next day and let your child know that he did well by trying and

staying as long as he did. By avoiding negative feedback about abort-

ing the sleepover plan, you encourage him to try again.

Bon Voyage! Planning a Successful

Adults-Only Vacation

We have an opportunity to stay at a friend’s home in

Hawaii—just the two of us. Grandma and Grandpa have

offered to watch our children for the week. I have mixed

feelings. I’m excited about the trip but fi nd myself sick with

worry about the kids’ separation anxiety—so much so that

I’m actually considering canceling our trip!

Once you become a parent, every decision is colored by your relation-

ship with your children. You are certainly not the fi rst person to con-

sider passing on a wonderful opportunity to avoid causing your little

ones emotional stress. However, if you have set up loving, responsible,

willing, and familiar caregivers for your children, don’t let uneasiness

prevent you from taking advantage of this chance. It may take a day

or two and several phone check-ins for you to relax, but this may

likely turn out to be a wonderful time for everyone involved.

118 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Mother-Speak

“When I told my daughter I was going out of town for a few

days and Nana and Papa were coming to visit, she was very

upset. I reminded her that they had stayed with her many

times and told her stories about what they had done. By the

time Nana and Papa arrived bearing cookies, she had forgot-

ten about her sadness! After I said my good-byes, I had her

start a game of hide-and-seek with Nana and her little brother,

so they were all occupied while I slipped easily out the front

door.”

—Sarah, mother of three-year-old Alasia and

one-year-old Mattias

•
Find a creative way to say good night.
Lots of children’s books

use the moon or stars, common objects that everyone sees at night,

as a way to pass good nights over the miles. The potential problem

with this is that your children may go to bed before dark or may not

be able to see the moon or stars on cloudy nights. It’s best to fi nd a foolproof method of delivery for your special good-night message.

Here are a few ideas:

— Frame a family photo to place at your children’s bedsides.

— Record a good-night song or message to be heard at bedtime.

— Give your children a card with a “sweet dreams” message writ-

ten on it.

— Put one of your shirts on a stuffed animal for bedtime cuddles.

Have the person in charge handle this good-night ritual very early

in the bedtime routine and not right before lights out, when it might

bring a rush of separation anxiety that you don’t want occurring right

before sleep.

•
Determine the emotional value of phone calls.
Some children

love to receive phone calls from parents who are away. Others fi nd it

causes them to miss their parents even more. If your children enjoy

calls, make them brief and cheerful. Tell your children something

interesting. Avoid general questions like “How are you doing?” and

instead ask specifi c questions about something they have done, such

as “Grandma told me you baked cookies. What kind did you make?”

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
119

Josephine, three and a half years old, and friend

•
Make a photo book.
Before the event, put together a photo

album with pictures of the family doing fun things together. Your

children can keep this album as their own to look at whenever they

like.

•
Make a storybook recording.
Tape record yourself reading

books to your children. For younger children, you can read from pic-

ture books. Use a small bell or other sound to signal page turning.

That way your little ones can look at the pictures as your voice does

the reading.

You can plan ahead and record your daily reading time—this can

then be left with your children to listen to whenever they like. Chil-

dren do like to hear stories more than once, and as a bonus, when

they hear their own voices on the tape along with yours, it will con-

jure up memories of when you made the recording together.

Bedtime is a logical choice for playing the tape, but it is not always

the best time, because hearing your voice could create stronger feel-

ings of missing you. Then again, some children are comforted by a

parent’s voice at bedtime. Have your caregiver gauge the best time for

this recorded storytime for your children.

120 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

•
Set up playdates and activities in advance.
Prior to leaving,

arrange to have a friend come for a visit, or if your children have

done it before, arrange for them to go to a friend’s house for a play-

date. Check into any local events that might add some fun to the

time you are gone. If the caregiver can take your children to the zoo,

a puppet show, bowling, or some other event, it can add a distracting

bit of fun and a refocus of emotion toward positive things.

•
Instigate a creative activity.
Leave supplies for the caregiver to

help your children create something for you while you are away. A “wel-

come home” poster or a booklet of pictures about the time you’ve been

away are great ideas that can take many days to create and will get

your children excited about making something special for your return.

They might also bake cookies or some other treat on the day before

you arrive home. Doing something for others gets children thinking

toward the joy that they will be providing you when you return.

Military Duty: When a Parent Is Deployed

My husband has been called to join his unit. How can we get

our children ready for this, and how do I help them deal with

missing their daddy while he is away?

Deployment is a challenging time for parents and children. Little

ones don’t really understand what’s happening—but they do know

that Daddy or Mommy is leaving. Young children have little real

concept of time, so they don’t comprehend when their missing parent

will return, and it may seem like a long, long time until then.

It’s helpful to take advantage of the support you can get from other

military spouses, so you can share ideas. In addition, if you can con-

nect your children with other military kids, either in person or as pen

pals, then your children will feel their situation is normal. They’ll

also gain support from these friends. Check with the offi ce of your

spouse’s branch of the military and ask if there are family programs

that can provide support and ideas for you.

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
121

Here are things you can do to get your children ready for a parent’s

leaving.

•
Give them a simplifi ed version of the facts.
They don’t need all

the details, but they do need to know that their parent is leaving to do

an important job, to help other people, that he will be back, and that

they will be taken care of by other capable people while he is away.

•
Acknowledge your children’s emotions.
Children may have

confl icting feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to be sad, scared, or

angry about this. But also let them know that they can work through

the feelings and still be happy and have fun—even when they are

missing Daddy or Mommy. Don’t assume these feelings are there,

though. Ask questions rather than acting on what you suspect may

be the case, so you have a clear understanding of your children’s feel-

ings and can address them accurately.

•
Create a visual time line.
If you know when the traveling par-

ent will return, create a countdown calendar. This can be an actual

calendar, a bulletin board with a token to represent each day, or a

chain of paper clips hanging on the wall. Make it a daily or weekly

routine to update your time line.

•
Put together a Daddy/Mommy Box.
Get a big box and glue

the absent parent’s picture on the front. Have Daddy or Mommy fi ll

it with small tokens before leaving, such as plastic animals, stickers, or

lollipops—one prize for each day or week that he or she will be gone.

(Check a birthday party supply store for a variety of inexpensive token

prizes.) Make it a fun ritual for your children to gain a small prize from

the box, perhaps when you update your calendar. If the return date

isn’t specifi c, you can still have the box, just refi ll it as needed.

•
Keep daily rituals and routines the same.
Continue your typi-

cal morning and bedtime routines. Serve the same foods as usual and

play the same games. Avoid introducing anything new during this

time, if possible. Keeping these familiar touchstones in the day will

prevent your children from having to deal with too many changes all

at once.

•
Create a storybook recording.
Before a parent leaves, have him

tape-record himself reading books to your child. For younger kids,

read from picture books and label them to match the recording, ring-

122 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Daddy Adama and Jasmyne, fi ve years old

ing a bell when you turn pages—that way your children can look at

the pictures as they do during an “in-person” reading. For older chil-

dren, read from an age-appropriate novel, or plan ahead and record