The whole thing had to weigh well over forty pounds and he had to give Veronica props for dragging the thing along with her. Most people would have dropped it long ago, the weight slowing them down too much but she was stronger than she looked. She didn’t give up and that was just the kind of person he wanted watching his back.
The sound of a zipper pulled his attention to the tent and he watched Veronica duck through the flap and zip it back up.
“Doing inventory?” she asked with a nod towards the guns.
“Figured if I was haulin’ ‘em ‘round in my van, I got a right to know exactly what it all is,” he replied, wanting to wince at his defensive tone. He had spoken the truth. He had the right so he didn’t need to defend himself from shit.
She held her hands up to signal surrender. “Hey I’ve got no problem with it. Feel free to take whatever you want out of it.”
“And if I said I wanted it all, what then?”
“Then I’d say you can have it,” she replied, settling down on the ground, stretching her legs out towards the fire pit. “After you helped me find my brother and sister, of course.”
“You’d trade all of it for help? You know this shit is gonna be worth more than gold the way things are now.”
She shrugged, staring into the low flames crackling along the wood. “My family is worth more.”
For the first time since it happened, he was grateful that Gran had died when she had. He wouldn’t have wanted her to go through all of this. And a selfish part of him was glad that he didn’t have to worry about her. He could see the worry was tearing Veronica up inside and that was something he wanted no part of feeling.
He didn’t know what to say to her so he started packing away the weapons and ammo, letting the chirping crickets fill the silence between them. He would glance up at her from time to time but she just continued to stare into the fire, not even looking at him when he went and put the bag in the van.
It was only when he sat down a few feet to her left that she finally turned away from the fire. She smiled at him and he was struck by how pretty she was in that moment. She had taken the elastic out of her hair and now it tumbled around her shoulders, the fire making the curls look like they were made of gold. Her eyes twinkled in the dim light and her smile revealed dimpled cheeks.
Something stirred inside him and he quickly looked away from her. No fucking way was he going to start with that shit.
Ain’t the time and ain’t the place
.
Easier said than done, especially when she threw her arms in the air and stretched, all lithe like a damn cat. He couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting down to her breasts, the cotton t-shirt straining over them as she thrust her chest out. His dick twitched and he bit back a curse, forcing himself to look away from her.
Ain’t the time
.
Ain’t the place
.
“I’ll take first watch so ya can get some sleep,” he said without looking at her. It’d be easier to shake off these new feelings with her out of sight.
“We’re far enough out, I don’t think we need to worry about a watch. We can both get a decent night’s sleep.”
No way he was going to be climbing into that tent to lay down near those little girls the way he was feeling. “Ain’t tired yet.”
“Me neither,” she said, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. “I should be exhausted but I can’t get my brain to shut off. You know the worst part, it isn’t just worrying about what will happen, it’s worrying about what could’ve happened.”
“Ya mean thinkin’ on the what ifs.”
He was pretty familiar with that. He’d spent more than a few nights staring at the ceiling in his cell going over all the ways he’d fucked his life up and what would’ve happened if he made different choices.
“That’s exactly it. The what ifs. What if those assholes who ran me off the road had caught me? What if the infected had found me sleeping in that shed? What if you hadn’t come back for me?” She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut. “It’s stupid to worry about things that didn’t happen but I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs.”
“It ain’t stupid. Goin’ over the what ifs is like preparin’ for worst case scenario. If ya think about all the different things that coulda happened, it means the next time ya find yourself in that situation, ya know exactly what to do.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
She turned back to stare into the fire and they slipped back into silence. He liked that she didn’t seem bothered by silence. Lots of others would fill it with mindless prattle that meant nothing just because they were uncomfortable. If he had to pick someone to join him, she was a pretty good fit. And they’d have been screwed today if she hadn’t been there, maybe even lost the girls.
“I want to thank ya for lookin’ out for the girls today.”
“Thank you for coming back for me.”
She had that smile again and he had to look away again. He’d barely felt anything in years and now he couldn’t look at her without wanting to touch her. His own frustration made his words come out harsher than he meant.
“Like I told ya, the girls made that call. If’n it was up to me, I’da left your carjackin’ ass behind.” She laughed at him. “Figured ya’d be pissed to hear that.”
“I can’t blame you. It’s a pretty big leap of faith to help someone in times like these. You never know if they’ll be thankful or take advantage.”
“Pretty big leap of faith to accept help too,” he said. “Why’d ya get in the van anyway? Ya had no idea ‘bout me or what I’d do to ya.”
“The girls made you seem like a safe bet. Plus I figured I could take you down if you tried anything.”
“Ya think so, huh?” His gaze dropped to the scab forming on her lip from where he had hit her. “Knocked ya a good one there.”
“Cheap shot,” she replied with a wave of her hand and he scoffed.
“Ya had a gun to my head, ain’t no cheap shots when that’s happenin’.”
“You’re going to lord that over me forever aren’t you?”
“Just want ya to remember the why. Don’t want anyone thinkin’ I’m some woman beater. Ya put me in a spot where I didn’t have no other choice. Wouldn’t have hit a woman otherwise.”
He might have done some bad shit in his life but he never raised a hand to a woman and he was proud of that. If clocking Veronica was going on his record, he’d make sure everybody heard about the big old asterisk next to it.
He glanced up from the fire to see her watching him, a soft smile on her lips. “You were protecting those girls. You’re a good man.”
The way she looked at him made his stomach flip and not just because her eyes were real pretty in the firelight. She was looking at him like she really believed it. Problem was she didn’t know the whole truth about him and it made him twitchy to have her thinking so highly of him when she was dead wrong.
“I ain’t a good man,” he huffed. Sure, he wasn’t evil and he’d never even think of hurting women or children but it took more than that to be considered a good man.
From the corner of his eye, he saw her shift next to him, right hand dropping to the the gun on her hip. He turned to look at her and she was watching him through narrowed eyes. Probably wasn’t the best word choice when you were talking to an armed stranger.
“I ain’t always been the most law abiding citizen,” he explained. “I ain’t got any excuses for what I did. They teach ya that, ya know? Don’t make excuses, own your mistakes and make amends. I hurt people. Good men don’t hurt people.”
She watched him, the suspicion still there but there was also curiosity. “What did you do?”
He couldn’t stop the harsh bark of laughter. “What didn’t I do? It started with drugs and went downhill from there. I was a junkie and I knocked over convenience stores and gas stations. Easy pickings ‘til I hit up the one where the guy behind the counter tried to fight back. Ended up shootin’ him.”
She stared at him, her hand still on her knifegun but she hadn’t moved to pull it from its holster. Yet.
“He didn’t die but I was charged with armed robbery and attempted murder. I got ten years inside and I served ‘em. So I might not be an evil man but I sure ain’t a good man.”
“Are you sober now?”
He nodded reaching into his pocket to pull out the chip that he carried and held it out to show her.
“I got clean when I went inside. Just got my twelve year chip before all this started.”
She finally let her hand drop from her knife and he slipped his chip back in his pocket, his thumb stroking the familiar grooves as he watched her. She stared at the fire and he wondered what she was thinking. Woman was obviously an upstanding citizen, educated, a teacher, comfortable in the middle class suburbs. This was probably the first time she’d ever been around someone who’d been to prison. He wouldn’t be surprised if she told him to get the hell away from her and the girls right now.
“Why did you tell me?” she asked finally, her brow furrowed. “You obviously know what most people think of criminals. I never would have known if you hadn’t said something. So why tell me and risk me making a snap judgement about you?”
“’Cause there ain’t no point in lyin’ ‘bout who I am. People would judge me even if I didn’t go to prison. People even judge a woman like ya. Just the way the world works. So I’d rather have people judging me for who I really am than what they think I am.”
“What do you mean a woman like me?”
He hadn’t expected her to focus on that part. “Yer respectable. Got an education and a good job. Probably grew up in a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a minivan in the driveway.”
She burst out laughing and he wondered what was so damn funny.
“You’re partly right. I didn’t live in the suburbs, at least not until I was a teenager. I spent my childhood in a cabin in middle of the woods with no electricity or indoor plumbing.”
Well that was a head-scratcher
.
“I told you my dad was a hunter and survivalist. What I didn’t say was he took it very seriously. The Cold War freaked him out and he wanted to be prepared in case the Soviets ever invaded. My family lived in the woods, totally off the grid and he taught us how to survive without modern conveniences. Once my mother got pregnant with my little sister and Y2K didn’t destroy the world like my dad predicted, my mom insisted we move into town and live like normal people. I think she finally got tired of using an outhouse.”
Her smile was sad as she picked up one of the sticks laying by the fire and used it to poke the coals, stirring the flames a bit higher.
“He couldn’t leave it all behind though. He turned his knowledge into a business, started offering himself as a guide for hunters. He had us kids help, of course, keep our skills honed, he said, but I think he just wanted cheap labour. I didn’t mind so much, I always liked it in the woods.”
“What sort of things did your old man teach ya?”
“How to hunt and trap. What plants you can and can’t eat. How to get clean water and build a shelter.”
“So yer sayin’ ya could disappear into those woods and survive on your own, no problem?”
“Physically, yes,” she replied, tossing the stick into the fire. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. “But mentally, no way I could make it on my own.”
It was an honest admission and he felt uncomfortable to have this stranger baring herself to him. Course, he’d been all too willing to throw all his cards down on the table so he shouldn’t be complaining much. She’d stuck it out to listen to him, the least he could do was return the favour.
“I don’t do well alone. I’ve never been alone, not really. Even when I moved off to the city for work, I always knew my family was there for me, only a phone call or a short drive away. It scares me, the idea of being completely on my own. I pretty much lost it last night when I was alone. Shut up in the dark, having no idea if I’d ever see another person again. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now.” Her voice cracked and started to tremble. “I can’t survive on my own.”
It was the first time he had seen her break. The confidence she carried since she’d stumbled on them had slipped and now she was like a lost little child. He could see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, glittering in the firelight as they threatened to fall. He didn’t know what to say, dealing with tears had never been his strong suit. Hell, dealing with any emotions had never been his strong suit. Except for anger, anger he could deal with.
So he did what he’d seen other people do when someone was crying. He reached out and patted her shoulder twice. She turned her head to look at his hand and then his face and he froze. Maybe he’d been wrong.
When she burst out laughing, he was even more confused.
The hell was so funny?
“I’m sorry to laugh, it’s just…that was so awkward,” she said between giggles and he quickly snatched his hand back, glaring at her. “You haven’t comforted a lot of people, have you?”
Even though she was saying the truth, he felt his face burning with embarrassment. He didn’t like that it was so obvious he was socially fucked in the head and he didn’t like her laughing at him.
“Sorry I ain’t used to strangers leakin’ all over me ‘cause they can’t keep their shit together,” he sneered, unable to hide the anger in his voice.