Authors: Carola Dibbell
Well, that and, keep her alive. That’s the main thing. Feed her, clean her, walk her. When she cries, do something. Maybe it works. If it doesn’t, get Janet.
I been learning the ropes about a week when Janet woke me up one night and said get dressed fast. K of L riders were on a rampage, heading right this way. They already burnt two barns—I could smell the smoke when we went out her door at dawn. She hid me and Ani in her car and took us on the front roads over the county line to a little hybro Stop where she gave me instructions while we waited for the first hybro out. Take it to the Jersey border. A Haven contact will be waiting. Don’t tell them how Ani was born. Act like she’s regular.
The hybro pulled up, I climbed the steps with Ani in my arms and the bag Janet fixed on my back and off we go.
ii
Am I scared? On my own with Ani—vigilantes behind us in the woods, and who knows what ahead?
I was mainly scared to be on my own with Ani, period. I was so worried I will do something stupid.
The hybro’s full of smoke. The driver’s coughing under his mask. A passenger is coughing, in back. I’m coughing. Ani’s wrapped up so she won’t cough. She does cough. I don’t know what to do but hit her on the back. It worked. She stopped. She stopped so hard she didn’t make a sound. So I’m like, oh man, I did do something stupid. I hit her too hard. I killed her. I pulled her cover off her face—is she still alive? She was still alive.
Whoa! A rider speeds across the road. The driver hit the brakes. Ani and me got bumped around so hard I checked again, is she still alive? She’s still alive.
The whole trip I am checking, is she still alive?
By the time we made the border, I already figured out that being on my own with Ani, I wasn’t alone. So that is one more way to explain she was not me.
The Haven is in Netcong. The contact never showed. All traffic got rerouted but not because of vigilantes, it is Mumbai cautions. I spend two hours in the border toilet with Ani yowling so bad some man knocked on the door and said, “Get it out of here,” so I jumped on the next hybro and end up in Passaic, and, man, it’s creepy. It is totally empty. Janet had gave me an old Mobile for the trip, but it didn’t work. Ani went ballistic, a hybro pulled up with a sign for Hudson River jitney, and I just jumped on with Ani and the bag.
We end up at the Terminal at ten at night. One person got off too, but we’re the only ones who took the jitney to the west side Manhattan Lock. I was worried someone will notice Ani on the Manhattan side, but nobody else seemed to be even out.
With the bag Janet gave me fixed on my back and Ani tied in front, I climbed up the spiral Lock ladder to the catwalk and headed to Queens the other way from when I went to New Jersey in September, stopping in the middle to check if Ani’s still alive. She’s still alive. It is very dark. It’s like the last time I came home from the Farm. Something seemed different, but I been gone so long I couldn’t tell if it was me.
When we got to the East River, it was so dark you couldn’t even see the other side.
So Queens is in outage. At least nobody’s going to notice us. I lugged Ani down the spiral ladder, flagged a gypsy ferry, jumped on board, it shoved off, and I just stayed on deck and held her sleeping while we go across the river and around Roosevelt Island to Queens. “I must leave you in Queensbridge,” the skipper said. He was wrapped up from head to foot, except his eyes. “Be careful, Miss. They have an Exodus from the Projects.” Then he shoved off.
Now, I don’t know if they have Exodus where you live. An Exodus could be from some flu or Epi. It could be from anything. It could be just from panic. People will hear some rumor, then they panic and flee. It was ok with me. In Exodus, who’s going to be around to notice us? It is very late. There is not even a shaw in sight. So I am not getting back to Zone North tonight.
“GET IN YOUR GODDAMN RESIDENCE!”
Oh, man, they got cruiser cops, with the loudspeaker. I do not want this guy noticing us, so I ducked into the first door of the first building that is not all burnt, and when I got inside, I will tell you, I never been anywhere as dark as this, even when Rauden turned the truck lights off.
At least it’s Exodus. We got the place to ourself.
It is really hot inside. It got a smell. I felt my way up the stairs till the third floor, then down the hall to one open door to an empty unit, stood in the dark till I was sure it was really empty, went in, laid Ani down, checked she is still alive, then crashed beside her on the floor.
Now, I don’t know if they got Projects where you live. It’s not the way Ani was Rauden’s Project. It’s a bunch of buildings all the same. People say this Queensbridge Project used to be rough, with gangs. Even in Exodus, there could be wild dogs in the hall. Am I scared now?
I was mainly scared Ani would wake up.
She did wake up.
I did the feed/clean/walk thing, which is hard even if you could see the mouth or butt or vagina or anything. She finally conked out, I put her down, crashed, and she woke up.
I woke up too.
She fell asleep before she finished half her next bottle. The whole building was quiet. I was nodding off.
Then I heard some noise. Not in the hall. Up from a different floor. I don’t know if it’s dogs or all it means is we’re not the only ones in this Project, but I got scared then. Not a lot. All I’m saying is when I got scared, Ani cried, so I don’t know what that proves, I just know she woke up, I gave up, tried to mix a bottle in the dark, wrapped her good, and headed out in the night to message Rauden, we’re still alive.
It took me one hour lugging Ani through the dark, empty streets of empty Queensbridge and empty Silvercup in the total dark to find out no Board was working.
I used one of those El floaters at Queens Plaza for Signal off the Dome, but Janet’s Mobile still didn’t work. I swiped coupons to call Rauden from the floater’s Mobile, really scared he will be mad we didn’t go to the Netcong Haven, but Rauden just picked up at the Farm fast and said, “Thank God! Thank God you’re still alive!” The Farm was ok. The K of L burnt down Walter’s shed but not the big house. Walter was ok. The Netcong Haven turned out to be some kind of shady setup and who knows? Maybe they would of stole Ani, so just as well how things turned out. Try to make ends meet until he finds some other Haven. Do my best to keep Ani alive till then.
By the time we head back to the Projects, it was light enough to see how empty the area was, even for dawn. Stores were boarded up, even right under the El. I did see one dog but no people until we turned down 30
th
Avenue, where one person was standing all wrapped up, and the eyes were watching Ani. I began to run. Ani began to cry. She cried till we got inside our building, but by the time I got up the stairs to the unit, she was conked out.
Until I conked out.
Then she woke up.
I woke up too.
The way it seems to work, when I walk, she sleeps. When I run, it could go either way. If I keep walking, she keeps sleeping. She wakes up if I lie down.
Remember Rini said it would work for Ani the way it worked for me? The way it works for me is, when I’m tired, lie down. The way it works for Ani is, when I lie down, cry. The way it works for me is, when she cries, get up. Pick her up, walk her, till she sleeps again. Then lay her down. Lay down too.
She woke up.
Here we go again.
I slept maybe half an hour all day. When it got dark again, I just wrapped Ani and headed off to Mobile Rauden we’re still alive. I just didn’t know what else to do. I kept close to the side of buildings. I don’t want to call attention. Even in Zone North, you never saw a baby. In this Zone, I hardly even saw adults. On the Mound, there was usually at least somebody out, even if it’s someone you rather not see. Here you could go an hour without seeing anyone. Even from Powell’s Cove, you could walk to a Board, and even if some flu or even Epi came through, there is sometimes a store open on Northern Boulevard, or at least a Locker. What good does credit do if there is nothing to even buy? How do I get the credit in the first place, without a working Board?
I guess you must be thinking, why don’t I head back to Zone North if things is so bad here? Even Zone North was better than this. Well I will tell you, I don’t even know why. Maybe I was too tired to make a plan. Remember Rauden never slept and could still drive for hours, work all night, and even with no sleep, come up with some sort of plan? I did not have that in common with Rauden. Maybe the walk/clean/feed business got in the way. It was a full-time job.
I did have a few supplies Janet gave me, and a unit in the Project, and a working floater on the El. I used the same floater the next night. Henry had gave me a special code to tap in so strangers can’t get inside the call. Rauden says he still didn’t hear from Rini. He wants a report every day, is Ani still alive? She’s still alive. She does the breathing, and moves, and I mean, eats? She’s scarfing down bottles like there was no tomorrow.
There is, though.
The water is the problem. It is running low. Remember how, till she is born, the main thing is, will it work? And it is about, you know, hardy, Rini, raids, whatever? Now the main thing is, feed her, walk her, clean her. How do I feed her Process without water to mix it? How do I clean her cloths? We have water jugs but only one is boiled and that is running low. The tap water is brown, if it comes. You are supposed to boil even the regular bottle water but the stove is off and I don’t want to call attention with a fire.
So now I got to look for water, with Ani tied to me in front under my shirt and the bag on my back. There is no store. I found a water Locker near 30th Avenue. It’s empty.
I walked all the way to Socrates Park with Ani and the bag, and we looked across the river through those things they have there, to the Manhattan Dome, shining in the sun. I found a water Locker. It was empty. I didn’t see any other Locker the whole time. I didn’t see any people. Even for Exodus, this is very, very empty. On the News at the Farm, Mumbai kept getting closer all the time. Did it get to Queens?
I thought I should wrap Ani up really good. I don’t even know why. She’s a Sylvain hardy. But sometimes I got the feeling, Sylvain or not, they are not totally sure how this will work. I wrapped her so good I had to duck in doorways, unwrap, check, was she still alive? She was still alive. Seventeen days old. Rauden is keeping count. He tells me how old she is when I Mobile from the floater to let him know she’s still alive.
He heard from Rini! She’s still alive too!
He didn’t hear Mumbai came to Queens. Even if it does, don’t worry. It will work for Ani the way it works for me. I’m a Sylvain hardy, she’s a Sylvain hardy. She’s not going to get anything. Except hungry.
He is working on more Haven research. Rini’s working on the credit.
Where am I going to load it down from, without a working Board?
I’m getting hungry too.
I’m down to one jug of regular unboiled water. I just mix the water unboiled in her unboiled bottle with the unboiled nipple and she scarfed it down. She didn’t get anything. I don’t know what that proves.
I didn’t tell Rauden though. I think he could handle it, but what if he told Janet?
I found a hydrant leaking, came back with an empty jug and filled it, drinking from the puddle where it splashed. What am I, going to get cholera?
I used the hydrant water to soak macaroni I found in some empty unit where I went to use the toilet to keep the smell down in our own unit. Just chew the macaroni good, holding Ani. Walk her while I chew. I still have red jelly, from Janet’s bag. Eat it with one hand.
What I’m saying is, ok, it’s going to work for Ani the way it works for me. I don’t even know how it works for me. The way it used to work for me, I used to work the Mound. If I need food, I sell something. Blood. Piss. Teeth.
Where do I put Ani while I do that?
I’m not saying I was so crazy about the Mound. But the work I did there is how I used to stay alive. If I bring Ani to the Mound, someone could steal her. They might even use her for a Subject or even Donor. Small as she is, take something from her, what’s going to be left?
I’m not leaving her with someone else. I don’t know someone else.
And what about deCon and Opening? By now I lost my contacts, if they are even still alive. I probably got to go through Interview again, and where do I put Ani then? Even if I sneak her through, how do I do deCon holding Ani? I am always holding Ani.
I’m not saying I ever want to go back to those V brother combos I used to work for, the Vertovs, the Vargases. You got to do what those guys say, until they die. But even so, it wasn’t like, I couldn’t use both hands. It wasn’t like, I couldn’t lie down. Sometimes I can’t even stand in one place.
I thought I heard a baby once, on a walk to look for a store. I stood on a big empty street trying to figure out where I heard it. Maybe this kid had a regular mother who could pass on some details Janet did not have time to teach me, like when does the mother sleep? How does she lie down? How does she use both hands?
Then I thought, whoa. Just because they got a baby too, that doesn’t mean they won’t Alert the Authorities. What’s someone like me doing with a kid to start? Then I see a cop in a bubble cruiser and I’m thinking—shit! They did Alert somebody! The loudspeaker belts out, “HYGIENE SPRAY ALERT!” and then, “GET IN THE GODDAMN RESIDENCE. GO IN THE GODDAMN BASEMENT.” I duck inside before the spraying starts and am just going to head up to our unit for supplies, but a bubble cop is standing in the lobby with one of those stupid lights on his head, pointing to a door, and if I go the other way, it’s going to call attention, so I just went down the stairs with Ani and the bag, then more stairs, then a door, then more stairs to the basement in the total dark, and when I fell down on the basement floor, you can be sure Ani hits the roof. So she is still alive. Find the bottle in the bag. Get it to her mouth in the dark. I was so busy dealing with the bottle, and the dark, and Ani, it took me a while to realize we weren’t the only ones down there. I don’t know who they were. All I know is, one of them lit a match. I saw eyes. Maybe ten.