Authors: Carola Dibbell
“Ma!” She is almost going to cry. “I did not jiggle.”
So then I felt bad. I came inside and put the fire in the can. I guess it is ok. When we wake up in the morning, we are still alive.
She keeps jiggling though.
At Christmas, look who shows up? Lore, Dana, and Migan. They are giving a party for all Migan’s old friends. They come back with a boat and bring everyone around the island in the freezing cold. Man, they are rich. They have a hydroponics franchise.
It turns out Migan is not in homeschool any more, she is in another Special school called Free School, where they also let them get away with everything, just like Mill Rock, though in the Dome. You have to pay for it. And you can be sure Ani is like, “Ma! Could I go to Free School with Migan?” She really misses Migan.
Well Lore and Dana say, oh! It is a really good school. And I’m like, thanks, but I don’t think it is going to work, because what a Free School like that charges, hello? I can’t pay that in a million years! The Dome is like a different world.
Lore and Dana say, oh! She could get Aid. Which I never heard of. Oh well, these schools have Aid to admit Diversity so their regular kids will know what it is. Don Park got it, as Asperger. Maybe Ani could too, as City Line kid. They will check it out as a favor, but it turns out Free School has all the Diversity it needs, we could maybe get a Partial but how could I even pay that? Diversity, Partial—like I have any idea what any of this means?
Still, I’m disappointed when Free School doesn’t give us Aid because I was already thinking if I die in a fire while Ani is at Free School, what are the chances Lore and Dana would not take her? Then I’m like, hello? By the time she starts school she will be eleven years, four months old, and then I’m like shut up, I. Shut up.
Ani is so disappointed she bursts out crying. “Ma! I wanted to go to Free School with Migan!”
And I say, “Oh! Ward Island is a good school.” I’m just trying to cheer her up.
It doesn’t work. She just keeps sobbing, “I want to go to a Dome school with Migan! Ma! I do not want to go to Ward Island,” until it gets on my nerves so bad I just go, “Much as you are jiggling, who else is even going to take you?”
So then none of us says anything. I could see she is really upset. I don’t even know why I said that.
It’s just, I could hardly stand the suspense if I’m going to die in a fire. I am doing the deep breathing and trying to think straight.
“I did not jiggle!”
It is like you do not know how to read all over again. You just have to agree. So in the end I just go, “No. You did not jiggle.”
She did though.
Sometimes, when I think of everything that happened in the next few months, I think, who started what when? Was it me, about the jiggling or even about the fire? Was it her? What changed what?
What happened now, Ani and me get invited to the Diversity Fair on Roosevelt Island, in case some Dome schools need more Diversity than they had, so we’re all set to go, but there is a rumor of some lesser flu from Bushwick, so the Fair is postponed. At this point she is ten years, nine months old.
And maybe you are thinking, come on, just three more months till she’s eleven, it’s going to be all right. Well, the closer she got, the worse I worried if I die in a fire in the last stretch that is almost the worst of all.
When they finally let us on Roosevelt Island for the Fair, it’s just two months till she turns eleven and I’m in such a state about the goddamn fire I don’t even care if Ani jiggles or anything. Right away they hose us down. Ani is really upset and I’m like, ha, ha! They used to do it all the time! When our name is called, I’m just going, oh, hi! Ha, ha. We didn’t really need the hosing! Because we’re Creedmoor hardies, here are our Proofs. I’m sure they’re going to go, oh wow, a Creedmoor hardy! It’s going to be like the Mound all over again, next thing you know they’ll want to sell Ani’s teeth and hair, but it turns out the school with one place open already has a Creedmoor hardy. By the way, I forgot to worry about anybody noticing anything, because I was too busy worrying if they admit her to the school, then I die in a fire, who will put her on the bus?
But they didn’t.
Ten years, eleven months.
She is Waitlisted for one Diversity spot.
Like I even know what that means. What was I thinking? A Dome school is even letting Ani in? We already tried.
Ten years, eleven months, twenty-nine days. I am staring at one of the clocks Alma Cho had gave me. Ani’s already in bed but I am staring at the clock.
Ok! She’s eleven years, zero minutes old! I’m still alive. I start to run and jump until Ani calls out from her bed, “Ma! I know it is my birthday but calm down.”
So then I just lie in the bed and look at the ceiling, in the dark. So ha ha ha. Is this a different life or what?
So, it’s a beautiful summer night. She is eleven years, one month old. She graduated. They all did, because the B of E shut the school down, so all the kids get a flower and diploma and the Parents cry because the only thing the B of E ever thought was special about our kids was, Needs. I’m putting the diploma on the wall while Ani is getting ready for bed. She graduated. I did not die in a fire. Am I happy now or what? Well, maybe I would of been but it is always something.
“Ani? Are the yellow pjs on?” I go in her room, where she is standing in the beautiful summer night with the yellow pj bottoms in her hand, wearing the yellow pj top, and looking down.
What happens now is, she got hairs.
iii
I know, I know.
I KNOW!
It’s nature.
What did I know about nature?
I went and did the head under the tap thing that Rauden does. The plumbing worked. I came out, breathed deep, and told her it is part of nature.
She is like, ok. She just looked down at the hairs.
I went back in the bathroom, did the tap again, came out dripping wet, breathed deep, and said, “The bleeding is part of nature. It is how they used to get kids. Do not have unprotected sex.”
She stares up at my big wet head. Then down, at her little hairs, between her legs that are not as little as they used to be.
Then she goes,
“Ma! I know!”
She pulls her yellow pj bottoms on and starts to hop. She hops down the stairs to the courtyard. I go to the kitchen window and watch her hop. She hops all around the courtyard in the dark. It is a long time since she hopped. I don’t know why she’s hopping now.
At least I got this over with. It’s true I was stiff like wood, I said bleed, not ministrate. At least I did not say, the Curse. At least I didn’t try to pull the hairs out.
I wanted to though. I cannot get it off my mind.
Man! What is it with me? My little girl is growing up. I didn’t die in a fire. She graduated, it’s the most beautiful summer I ever saw. And I am like, ok, the fire thing is off the table. Here come the hairs. It’s nature! I want to pull them out. Why would I even do that? What do I, want her running virgin Cures?
I had an Episode.
“Ma!”
I got up off the floor.
“What?
”
She stared at me. Then she hopped away. I went in the kitchen to start dinner. What is this with the hopping? She’s hopping all the time. I just don’t think she should. I don’t even know why.
I don’t even want to see her with her pants off.
Well, it is June. I’m trying to message Rauden from Little Neck and set up our regular summer visit, but I stop to read something from the B of E, one of those PARENT SCHOOL AGE CHILD things the pigeons used to drop. HELLO! YOUR SCHOOL AGE CHILD IS ENROLLED IN IS 243, CORONA MIDDLE SCHOOL.
What happened to Ward Island?
“Ani! Stop hopping!” She is hopping all around the Board. “Ani!” She does not stop.
I bump the message off and try again. The Board crashes. This one always does. We just walk home. But I can tell you this. She’s not going to Corona.
Next day the Board works and I message Rauden we are coming up. No time to lose.
Corona! That’s where the fire was. That’s where the foster care was Edgar Vargas bought me from, after Cissy Fardo died. I could of been Ani’s age by then. I could of had the hairs. She’s not going to Corona. I am going to make goddamn sure of that. Henry will hack the B of E and put her in Ward Island where she is supposed to be.
Well, here is what happens now.
“Ani! Time to leave.” I’m just shutting our door.
She is hopping on the Walk, in some little shorts.
“Come on, Ani.” I am coming down the garden apartment steps. “We’re going to miss the MagLev.”
“I hate the MagLev.” She just keeps hopping.
“Ani! Come on!” I’m checking everything, clothes, swipe IDs, Process Snacks for the trip. Ok. “You know we never even took the MagLev.”
“I hate the Farm.” She is just hopping and hopping around the Walk.
“Ani! Stop hopping!”
So this is when it starts—and I don’t even know what it is. She does stop hopping. Then she turns to face me and screams, “I hate the MagLev!”
Whoa.
“I HATE THE FARM!”
So, what is this? “Ani. You like the Farm. They give you gifts.”
But she just totally lets it rip. “I! HATE! THEIR! GIFTS!”
Ok, ok. Take a few deep breaths. Could she of got something? That flu that took Melanie is not totally over yet. Could this be something she gets? I go to feel her head. It seems ok. I try again. “Look. We could take the podtram on the way back.” I’m talking really soft. I don’t even know why. “Want to take the podtram on the way back? You love the podtram.” I pat her shoulder with my hand.
She pushes it away! “You think I love the podtram! You do not even know!” Now she started to cry! “I HATE THE PODTRAM!”
Whoa.
So in a while I say, and I don’t know why I even said it, “Want to hop to the Expressway?” And I don’t know why it works. But it does. She stops yelling right away and hops to the Expressway. We grab a shaw to the Bronx. By the time we’re out of Queens, she is regular again and enjoys the MagLev or seems to. I did too. So what was that? I have seen Ani Oppositional but not this way. I guess it was a new anomaly. I’m just relieved she stopped at all because if Rauden sees her like this, well he is still trying to market whatever viable he made last year, after my big Episode, and what does this do for the track record? But she is ok.
What happened at the Farm, well, even Henry could not hack the B of E till September 1, but while Ani was busy baking Bars with Janet and I’m in Lab 3 getting soma scraped, Henry hacked some Diversity site. It turns out this one Dome school, East Side Girls, its Diversity died and by charter they must fill the slot with some Diversity. We just got to show up at their Meet and Greet for this to work.
He also hacked us free Passes for the MagLev so we could come upstate any time.
East Side Girls! This is better than Ward Island. It’s better than my wildest dream! It is a totally different life. It’s in the Dome! The rest of the summer, I’m a nervous wreck. I am fussing all the time, like, “Ani! When we get there, do not hop! Do not jiggle!”
She just looks at me, like, what?
“Ani! Ani!” It’s already September. Time for Meet and Greet. “Ani!” Everything is going wrong. “Put on shoes. Where is the swipe ID? Ani! We must leave!”
And I am just running around, hairbrush, ID, shoes, when Ani says, “Oh! I’m not going.”
“Don’t start.”
“I will not go.”
So I breathe very deep and say, “Ani, it is a long trip and we must leave right away. It is a long walk even to podtram to even get the ferry to the Lock, and you can be sure there will be some kind of tie-up at the Lock with our stupid temporary Dome Passes.”
She just goes into her room and slams the door.
This is a great time for another anomaly.
I open the door and try that backward thing you do with the Oppositional kid. Like, you do not have to go.
She just says, “Very good.”
“Ani!” I’m not saying it was ever easy to get her to do what I say but till now, worst case, I could pick her up and make her. She is getting a little big for that. “This is not a joke.”
Now she starts to cry, like she did about the MagLev.
“Ani! No! What happened?” I run and take her in my arms. “What is wrong?”
Finally she gets it out. “You are wearing the wrong thing.”
Well! At least it is another difference between her and me. I’m like, Meet and Greet, hairs, different life. She’s like, you are wearing the wrong thing.
“Ani! It is not me they Interview!”
I am trying not to lose it here.
So that’s another difference. She totally lost it. “Ma! Ma!” Sobbing, sobbing. “They will stare.”
I just do my best to breathe deep till I think of what to say. “Oh! Want to go to Ward Island and get expelled? Want to go to IS 243 and get punched in the hall?”
It gets her out the door.
And I will tell you this. Maybe I did wear the wrong thing. Maybe I said the wrong thing. What did I know?
“Nobody else wore a mask!”
They used to.
It doesn’t matter either way. Once they finished spraying us for Hygiene at the door to East Side Girls, which is a small white building inside a kind of miniDome inside the regular Dome, they don’t even look me in the face. They hardly even look Ani in the face. They just accept her, with Aid, because she is the only Diversity that showed up, because none of the other Diversity who could of showed up knew how to hack their files. So ha ha ha.
Well, we just got to scramble to get everything we need. School starts in a week, and we must take a new bunch of South Brother health tests for the Manhattan Dome. The whole trip, she is going, “I hate that school.”
“Ani!” We are on the ferry back to Queens. “Do you know what I would of done to get in a school like this?” Then I go, “What did you say?” because I think she said something I could hardly believe she even said.
“I SAID GO YOURSELF!”
I grabbed her so hard she started to cry. Then I let go.
But she kept crying. “I hate that school! No one is like me there. Ma! I don’t want to go to that school!” Crying and crying.