“You’re pressuring me.” I pushed him away and sat up dusting my hands on my sweats.
Caleb sprang to his feet, paced, and then turned around to face me. He was seething.
“I’ve never pressured you to do anything.”
I felt my face turn white. It was true. It was a lousy thing to say to a twenty-three year old man who never complained when his girlfriend always stopped short of second base.
“You’re trying to make me say something that I’m not ready to say,” I choked looking away.
“I’m trying to find out where we are going. Olivia. I already know you love me.”
I glared up at him in shock and he shrugged.
“The fact that you can’t say it—is a problem. I love you.”
My lip trembled. Pathetic, but it did. I felt my chest heaving in an effort to breathe. He loved me.
“You can’t say it because you don’t trust me. If you don’t trust me, I can’t be with you.”
I felt panic swell in my chest. Was he threatening me?
He was still towering over me, so I stood up. It didn’t do much good because he was a foot taller.
“I hate you,” I said and he started laughing.
“You fight like a child. I’m not dealing with you.” And he walked away, leaving me both utterly bewildered and buzzing in excitement from this new information. He loved me. I collapsed back into the grass and smiled up at the sky.
Later, when I grew tired of sulking by the lake, I went back to our tent and moped around. Caleb had yet to appear from wherever he stalked off to and I was getting hungry. I was digging around in our food stash when he walked through the flap of our fancy tent. Our eyes met and I dropped the bag of pretzels I was holding. Something was wrong, there was trouble written on his face. Was he going to break up with me now? I prepared myself and lined up some nasty things to say to him.
“You’re spoiled.”
“I’m an orphan,” I pointed out. “Who is there to spoil me?”
“I spoil you. I let you get away with too much. I give you free reign, and you take advantage.”
“You don’t
own
me, to
give
me free reign,” I said narrowing my eyes at him. “What an asshole thing to say.” I turned away but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.
“I own you,” he said pulling me against his chest and holding me there. I stared up at him openmouthed.
“No,” I shook my head, but I wasn’t so sure what we were talking about anymore.
My wrists were tiny and they were clamped so securely in his big hands, that I didn’t even bother trying to pull away.
“Let me go.”
He held me tighter. We were so close I could feel his breath on my face.
“Who owns you then?” he challenged.
“Me. Not you, not anyone else…ever.” I felt petulant and foolish, but I lifted my nose in the air anyway and glared at him. Caleb’s eyes were cold and hard. He laughed at me, a deep throaty laugh. Then he looked down into my eyes and said;
“You are master of your own body, yes?”
“Yes,” I spat. Lava-like anger was erupting inside of me. I was ready to let the white trash out.
“Then you won’t have a problem controlling it,” he finished, and I stared at him through angry eyes—confused.
“What?”
He let go of my wrists, or more appropriately flung them away, but before I could move, he’d grabbed me around my waist and pulled me against him.
He kissed me, not a normal Caleb kiss, but a fierce moving of his mouth over mine. He was so in control of my mouth that I couldn’t have kissed back if I’d wanted to.
My hands pushed against his chest, trying to move the rock of him away, but it was useless.
My body started pounding in response to his touch. It was so powerful, I was sure I was going to split in half.
I picked up on the rhythm of his lips and returned his kisses, pressure for pressure, bite for bite. He broke away from my lips just when I had the hang of it and grabbed a fistful of my hair pulling my head back so that he had access to my neck.
Caleb peeled away from me and for a second I’d thought I’d won. But instead of backing away, he grabbed my t-shirt by the collar and with one tug, ripped it from top to bottom. My limp arms provided no traction and it fluttered to the ground. I stared, disbelievingly at him, and he grabbed me again, kissing my shoulders, running his lips over my collar bone. My bra came off, with a flick of his fingers and suddenly my legs lost their will to stand. Caleb scooped me up from behind my knees and placed me on my back, coming to rest on top of me. I wasn’t providing a shred of resistance at this point. My mind had stopped working—stopped making excuses. I was tangled up in the moment and for once I didn’t mind.
“Are you still in control?” he said this into my hair, as his hands climbed my thigh. I wrapped myself around him and nodded into his neck. Sure, I was. I was making a conscious decision to go along with this little roll we were having. I desperately wished that he would just shut up and get on with it.
“Stop me,” he said. “If you’re in control, then stop me.”
His hand was at the junction of my thighs now and stopping him was the last thing I wanted to do. I dug my nails into his arms in response. Caleb grabbed at the waistband of my sweatpants and tugged them down. Everything was blurry—everything except what I wanted to happen.
“Who owns you?” he said.
What? Weren’t we past this already?
I opened my eyes and looked up at him and I started to grasp what was happening. Caleb still had all of his clothes on while I was lying on the floor in my panties. I had lost complete control. He was playing with me. I let my body go limp and looked into his face.
“Who owns you?” he repeated more gently, placing his palm over the spot where my heart sat. He was right. He had my heart and every other piece of flesh that was attached to it. He wasn’t being a chauvinist. He was telling me something. I thought about sticking to my first reaction but the adult in me was struggling to get out.
“You.”
He stopped moving and I could feel his back heaving as he breathed. We were cheek to cheek, his arms resting on either side of my body. In one giant movement, he sprang off of me, and landed on his feet like a cat.
“Thank you.” He straightened his collar and then he walked out of the tent and left me—on the floor in nothing but my panties.
I burst into tears.
Chapter Twelve
The Present
“What is it like twenty degree’s outside?” I shiver and rub my arms. It is our last day and a ball of dread has taken up residence in my stomach.
“Try fifty,” he says handing me a Styrofoam cup of coffee.
I frown and climb back inside the tent to pack. I am folding clothes when I hear his voice.
“Olivia, we need to talk,” I peer over my shoulder suspiciously. He is spinning his thumb ring—always a bad sign.
I sigh.
Is this about the phone?
I wondered.
“Sure.” I am balancing on the very lip of disaster and I can feel our time sliding through my fingers like sand. I remember that creepo, rapist’s warning outside of the music shop;
You should get home before it’s too late. The sky’s red with trouble.
Red, red, red…like Leah’s hair
.
I follow him outside, my coffee still in hand. He leans on the hood of his car.
“What’s up?” I try to be nonchalant as I sidle up next to him.
“What’s going on here, Olivia? What are we doing?”
“Camping,” I declare, which doesn’t even earn me half of a smile.
What does he want me to say? What’s safe?
“We are…I don’t know Caleb. What do you want me to say?”
He shakes his head. He looks disappointed. Am I supposed to spill my guts? Before I can open my lying mouth, he beats me to it.
“You can’t think of anything to say?” he quizzes. I shake my head. Why do I always lie? For real, it’s like a disease.
“All right then…” He does the unexpected, instead of pushing me for more, he starts packing up our things; sleeping bags, clothes, Pickles. They all get tossed into the car, one by one, two by two, and all I could do is watch with my mouth open. But then what could I say? I want to be with you Caleb. These few days have been the stuff of dreams. I love you more every second I’m with you.
I am in a corner. I reluctantly get into the car and stuff my cold hands under my armpits. Caleb turns the music all the way up and ignores me. I am so mad. I think about things I can say to piss him off but I am too chicken to carry any of them out. The old Caleb had a hot temper, and if this guy had inherited it, I don’t want to find out.
The hills became flatland, as Georgia melts into Florida.
I turn down the volume as we cruise through Tallahassee and turn my body until I am half facing him.
“Caleb…talk to me.”
I see a muscle in his jaw twitch, but other than that he gives me nada.
“Please—talk to me,” I try. This is going to be harder than I expect. New tactic.
“Why are you being so sensitive? I don’t say what you want to hear and now you’re sulking?”
That does it. He takes the exit, swerving to the right at the last minute. I hear a grunt from Pickles as she’s thrown across the backseat.
We are in the middle of nowhere and there is only trees and road ahead of us. Caleb zooms into the gates of what looks like a park. There are only three parking spaces and they are all deserted. He pulls into one and jerks on the brake. This place is really creepy. I fidget nervously and look at his face.
“What are we doing?” he asks again.
“I…” I look out of the window desperate for an escape. He’s trying to get me to talk about my feelings, something I can’t do with all of the lying going on. Despite my fear of the dark, I jump out of the car.
“Where are you going?” he demands, opening his door and following suit. Before I have the door shut, he walks around to where I am and corners me.
I try to push past him but he presses me against the door with his body and puts both hands on either side of my head. We are nose to nose, as he seethes at me.
“What. Are. We. Doing?” he demands.
I squirm, but there is nowhere to go. I place both of my hands on his chest. Why is he trying to milk this out of me anyway? I’d swear this is the old Caleb, not the gentle little fawn I’ve been dealing with.
“Okay, okay. But, you have to get out of my personal space…”
He relents a few inches and I use the opportunity to duck under his arm.
I ignore his calls and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. I am heading into complete darkness, but it seems better than the alternative. I need to think for a minute. I walk until I can no longer hear the hum of the highway. I am in the woods—no, I am in an orange grove. I recognize the fragrant white flowers that are peppering the trees. They smell like Caleb, of course, because everything in my freaking life has to be about Caleb? I kick a tree.
I can hear feet moving in the dirt behind me, so I stop. Might as well tell him everything now, so I square my shoulders and prepare to fight.
Caleb walks out of the darkness like a beautiful ghost. When he catches sight of me, he stops short. We stare at each other and then I cross my arms over my chest.
“What are we doing?” I repeat his question. “I am trying to escape my miserable, lonely life. I…” I take a deep breath before I continue. “I am a liar and a wicked person. I’ve lied to you, I—”
It takes him three seconds to reach where I am standing. I hear myself gasp as he pins me against a tree. He is inches from my face, his arms braced on the trunk to block my escape.
“Stop,” he says. “Just stop.”
I look at his eyes and look away. Why is he making everything so hard? I just want to get it out already…
"Look at me," he demands.
I do.
"You're making excuses and you’re playing games with me," he says.
"No—I…"
"Yes. You. Are. I don’t care what you’ve done. Just tell me how you feel."
He looks so angry I shrink back against the tree until I felt the bark digging into my back. He wants an honest answer, but I’m pretty sure you have to be an actual honest person to give one of those. I lick my lips, thinking…thinking. I have a million thoughts a day and they’re all about Caleb. All I have to do is make them come out of my mouth.
“I want you to kiss me.”
He doesn’t look surprised.
“What else?”
His lips— all I can see are his lips, so full and sensual. My breath is coming embarrassingly fast.
If I just lean a little bit forward, our lips will touch. But, I know from years of experience that he won’t give me what I want, until I give him what he wants.