Authors: W. Somerset Maugham
64
Dawn was breaking now, and here and there a Chinese was taking down the shutters of his shop. In its dark recesses, by the light of a taper, a woman was washing her hands and face. In a tea-house at a corner a group of men were eating an early meal. The grey, cold light of the rising day sidled along the narrow lanes like a thief. There was a pale mist on the river and the masts of the crowded junks loomed through it like the lances of a phantom army. It was chilly as they crossed and Kitty huddled herself up in her gay and coloured shawl. They walked up the hill and they were above the mist. The sun shone from an unclouded sky. It shone as though this were a day like another and nothing had happened to distinguish it from its fellows.
‘Wouldn’t you like to lie down?’ said Waddington when they entered the bungalow.
‘No, I’ll sit at the window.’
She had sat at the window so often and so long during the weeks that had passed and her eyes now were so familiar with the fantastic, garish, beautiful and mysterious temple on its great bastion that it rested her spirit. It was so unreal, even in the crude light of midday, that it withdrew her from the reality of life.
‘I’ll get the boy to make you some tea. I’m afraid it will be necessary to bury him this morning. I’ll make all the arrangements.’
‘Thank you.’
65
They buried him three hours later. It seemed horrible to Kitty that he must be put into a Chinese coffin, as though in so strange a bed he must rest uneasily, but there was no help for it. The nuns, learning of Walter’s death as they learned everything that happened in the city, sent by a messenger a cross of dahlias, stiff and formal, but made as though by the accustomed hands of a florist; and the cross, alone on the Chinese coffin, looked grotesque and out of place. When all was ready they had to wait for Colonel Yü who had sent to Waddington to say that he desired to attend the funeral. He came accompanied by an A.D.C. They walked up the hill, the coffin borne by half a dozen coolies, to a little plot of land where lay buried the missionary whose place Walter had taken. Waddington had found among the missionary’s effects an English prayer-book and in a low voice, with an embarrassment that was unusual to him, read the burial service. Perhaps, reciting those solemn but terrible words, the thought hovered in his mind that if he in his turn fell a victim to the pestilence there would be no one now to say them over him. The coffin was lowered into the grave and the grave-diggers began to throw in the earth.
Colonel Yü, who had stood with bared head by the grave-side, put on his hat, saluted Kitty gravely, said a word or two to Waddington and followed by his A.D.C. walked away. The coolies, curious to watch a Christian burial, had lingered and now in a straggling group, their yokes trailing in their hands, sauntered off. Kitty and Waddington waited till the grave was filled and then placed on the mound, smelling of fresh earth, the nuns’ prim dahlias. She had not wept, but when the first shovelful of earth rattled on the coffin she felt a dreadful pang at her heart.
She saw that Waddington was waiting for her to come away.
‘Are you in a hurry?’ she asked. ‘I don’t want to go back to the bungalow just yet.’
‘I have nothing to do. I am entirely in your hands.’
66
They sauntered along the causeway till they came to the top of the hill on which stood that archway, the memorial to a virtuous widow, which had occupied so large a part of Kitty’s impression of the place. It was a symbol, but of what she scarcely knew; she could not tell why it bore a note of so sardonic irony.
‘Shall we sit down a little? We haven’t sat here for ages.’ The plain was spread before her widely; it was tranquil and serene in the morning light. ‘It’s only a few weeks that I’ve been here and it seems a lifetime.’
He did not answer and for a while she allowed her thoughts to wander. She gave a sigh.
‘Do you think that the soul is immortal?’ she asked.
He did not seem surprised at the question.
‘How should I know?’
‘Just now, when they’d washed Walter, before they put him into the coffin I looked at him. He looked very young. Too young to die. Do you remember that beggar that we saw the first time you took me for a walk? I was frightened not because he was dead, but because he looked as though he’d never been a human being. He was just a dead animal. And now again, with Walter, it looked so like a machine that has run down. That’s what is so frightening. And if it is only a machine how futile is all this suffering and the heart pains and the misery.’
He did not answer, but his eyes travelled over the landscape at their feet. The wide expanse on that gay and sunny morning filled the heart with exultation. The trim little rice-fields stretched as far as the eye could see and in many of them the blue-clad peasants with their buffaloes were working industriously. It was a peaceful and a happy scene. Kitty broke the silence.
‘I can’t tell you how deeply moved I’ve been by all I’ve seen at the convent. They’re wonderful, those nuns, they make me feel utterly worthless. They give up everything, their home, their country, love, children, freedom; and all the little things which I sometimes think must be harder still to give up, flowers and green fields, going for a walk on an autumn day, books and music, comfort, everything they give up, everything. And they do it so that they may devote themselves to a life of sacrifice and poverty, obedience, killing work and prayer. To all of them this world is really and truly a place of exile. Life is a cross which they willingly bear, but in their hearts all the time is the desire – oh, it’s so much stronger than desire, it’s a longing, an eager, passionate longing for the death which shall lead them to life everlasting.’
Kitty clasped her hands and looked at him with anguish.
‘Well?’
‘Supposing there is no life everlasting? Think what it means if death is really the end of all things. They’ve given up all for nothing. They’ve been cheated. They’re dupes.’
Waddington reflected for a little while.
‘I wonder. I wonder if it matters that what they have aimed at is illusion. Their lives are in themselves beautiful. I have an idea that the only thing which makes it possible to regard this world we live in without disgust is the beauty which now and then men create out of the chaos. The pictures they paint, the music they compose, the books they write, and the lives they lead. Of all these the richest in beauty is the beautiful life. That is the perfect work of art.’
Kitty sighed. What he said seemed hard. She wanted more.
‘Have you ever been to a symphony concert?’ he continued.
‘Yes,’ she smiled. ‘I know nothing of music, but I’m rather fond of it.’
‘Each member of the orchestra plays his own little instrument, and what do you think he knows of the complicated harmonies which unroll themselves on the indifferent air? He is concerned only with his own small share. But he knows that the symphony is lovely, and though there’s none to hear it, it is lovely still, and he is content to play his part.’
‘You spoke of Tao the other day,’ said Kitty, after a pause. ‘Tell me what it is.’
Waddington gave her a little look, hesitated an instant, and then with a faint smile on his comic face answered:
‘It is the Way and the Waygoer. It is the eternal road along which walk all beings, but no being made it, for itself is being. It is everything and nothing. From it all things spring, all things conform to it, and to it at last all things return. It is a square without angles, a sound which ears cannot hear, and an image without form. It is a vast net and though its meshes are as wide as the sea it lets nothing through. It is the sanctuary where all things find refuge. It is nowhere, but without looking out of the window you may see it. Desire not to desire, it teaches, and leave all things to take their course. He that humbles himself shall be preserved entire. He that bends shall be made straight. Failure is the foundation of success and success is the lurking-place of failure; but who can tell when the turning point will come? He who strives after tenderness can become even as a little child. Gentleness brings victory to him who attacks and safety to him who defends. Mighty is he who conquers himself.’
‘Does it mean anything?’
‘Sometimes, when I’ve had half a dozen whiskies and look at the stars, I think perhaps it does.’
Silence fell upon them and when it was broken it was again by Kitty.
‘Tell me, is: the dog it was that died, a quotation?’
Waddington’s lips outlined a smile and he was ready with his answer. But perhaps at that moment his sensibilities were abnormally acute. Kitty was not looking at him, but there was something about her expression which made him change his mind.
‘If it is I don’t know it,’ he answered warily. ‘Why?’
‘Nothing. It crossed my mind. It had a familiar ring.’
There was another silence.
‘When you were alone with your husband,’ said Waddington presently, ‘I had a talk with the regimental surgeon. I thought we ought to have some details.’
‘Well?’
‘He was in a very hysterical state. I couldn’t really quite understand what he meant. So far as I can make out your husband got infected during the course of experiments he was making.’
‘He was always experimenting. He wasn’t really a doctor, he was a bacteriologist; that is why he was so anxious to come here.’
‘But I can’t quite make out from the surgeon’s statements whether he was infected accidentally or whether he was actually experimenting on himself.’
Kitty grew very pale. The suggestion made her shudder. Waddington took her hand.
‘Forgive me for talking about this again,’ he said gently, ‘but I thought it might comfort you – I know how frightfully difficult it is on these occasions to say anything that is of the least use – I thought it might mean something to you that Walter died a martyr to science and to his duty.’
Kitty shrugged her shoulders with a suspicion of impatience.
‘Walter died of a broken heart,’ she said.
Waddington did not answer. She turned and looked at him slowly. Her face was white and set.
‘What did he mean by saying: the dog it was that died? What is it?’
‘It’s the last line of Goldsmith’s
Elegy
’.
67
Next morning Kitty went to the convent. The girl who opened the door seemed surprised to see her and when Kitty had been for a few minutes about her work the Mother Superior came in. She went up to Kitty and took her hand.
‘I am glad to see you, my dear child. You show a fine courage in coming back here so soon after your great sorrow; and wisdom, for I am sure that a little work will keep you from brooding.’
Kitty cast down her eyes, reddening a little; she did not want the Mother Superior to see into her heart.
‘I need not tell you how sincerely all of us here sympathise with you.’
‘You are very kind,’ whispered Kitty.
‘We all pray for you constantly and for the soul of him you have lost.’
Kitty made no reply. The Mother Superior released her hand and in her cool, authoritative tone imposed various tasks upon her. She patted two or three children on the head, gave them her aloof, but winning smile, and went about her more pressing affairs.
68
A week went by. Kitty was sewing. The Mother Superior entered the room and sat down beside her. She gave Kitty’s work a shrewd glance.
‘You sew very well, my dear. It is a rare accomplishment for young women of your world nowadays.’
‘I owe it to my mother.’
‘I am sure that your mother will be very glad to see you again.’
Kitty looked up. There was that in the Mother Superior’s manner which prevented the remark from being taken as a casual politeness. She went on.
‘I allowed you to come here after the death of your dear husband because I thought occupation would distract your mind. I did not think you were fit at that moment to take the long journey to Hong-Kong by yourself, nor did I wish you to sit alone in your house with nothing to do but to remember your loss. But now eight days have passed. It is time for you to go.’
‘I don’t want to go, Mother. I want to stay here.’
‘There is nothing for you to stay for. You came to be with your husband. Your husband is dead. You are in a condition in which you will shortly need a care and attention which it is impossible for you to get here. It is your duty, my dear child, to do everything in your power for the welfare of the being that God has entrusted to your care.’
Kitty was silent for a moment. She looked down.
‘I was under the impression that I was of some use here. It has been a great pleasure to me to think that I was. I hoped that you would allow me to go on with my work till the epidemic had come to an end.’
‘We are all very grateful for what you have done for us,’ answered the Superior, with a slight smile, ‘but now that the epidemic is waning the risk of coming here is not so great and I am expecting two sisters from Canton. They should be here very shortly and when they arrive I do not think that I shall be able to make any use of your services.’
Kitty’s heart sank. The Mother Superior’s tone admitted of no reply; she knew her well enough to know that she would be insensible to entreaty. That she found it necessary to reason with Kitty had brought into her voice a note, if hardly of irritation, at leat of the peremptoriness which might lead to it.
‘Mr. Waddington was good enough to ask my advice.’
‘I wish he could have minded his own business,’ interrupted Kitty.
‘If he hadn’t I should all the same have felt obliged to give it to him,’ said the Mother Superior gently. ‘At the present moment your place is not here, but with your mother. Mr. Waddington has arranged with Colonel Yü to give you a strong escort so that you will be perfectly safe on the journey, and he has arranged for bearers and coolies. The amah will go with you and arrangements will be made at the cities you pass through. In fact, everything possible for your comfort has been done.’
Kitty’s lips tightened. She thought that they might at least have consulted her in a matter which only concerned herself. She had to exercise some self-control in order not to answer sharply.
‘And when am I to start?’
The Mother Superior remained quite placid.
‘The sooner you can get back to Hong-Kong and then sail to England the better, my dear child. We thought you would like to start at dawn the day after to-morrow.’
‘So soon.’
Kitty felt a little inclined to cry. But it was true enough; she had no place there.
‘You all seem in a great hurry to be rid of me,’ she said ruefully.
Kitty was conscious of a relaxation in the Superior’s demeanour. She saw that Kitty was prepared to yield and unconsciously she assumed a more gracious tone. Kitty’s sense of humour was acute and her eyes twinkled as she reflected that even the saints liked to have their own way.
‘Don’t think that I fail to appreciate the goodness of your heart, my dear child, and the admirable charity which makes you unwilling to abandon your self-imposed duties.’
Kitty stared straight in front of her. She faintly shrugged her shoulders. She knew that she could ascribe to herself no such exalted virtues. She wanted to stay because she had nowhere else to go. It was a curious sensation this, that nobody in the world cared two straws whether she was alive or dead.
‘I cannot understand that you should be reluctant to go home,’ pursued the Superior amiably. ‘There are many foreigners in this country who would give a great deal to have your chance!’
‘But not you, Mother?’
‘Oh, with us it is different, my dear child. When we come here we know that we have left our homes for ever.’
Out of her own wounded feelings emerged the desire in Kitty’s mind, malicious perhaps, to seek the joint in the armour of faith which rendered the nuns so aloofly immune to all the natural feelings. She wanted to see whether there was left in the Superior any of the weakness of humanity.
‘I should have thought that sometimes it was hard never to see again those that are dear to you and the scenes amid which you were brought up.’
The Mother Superior hesitated for a moment, but Kitty watching her could see no change in the serenity of her beautiful and austere face.
‘It is hard for my mother who is old now, for I am her only daughter and she would dearly like to see me once more before she dies. I wish I could give her that joy. But it cannot be and we shall wait till we can meet in paradise.’
‘All the same, when one thinks of those to whom one is so dear, it must be difficult not to ask oneself if one was right in cutting oneself off from them.’
‘Are you asking me if I have ever regretted the step I took?’ On a sudden the Mother Superior’s face grew radiant. ‘Never, never. I have exchanged a life that was trivial and worthless for one of sacrifice and prayer.’
There was a brief silence and then the Mother Superior, assuming a lighter manner, smiled.
‘I am going to ask you to take a little parcel and post it for me when you get to Marseilles. I do not wish to entrust it to the Chinese post-office. I will fetch it at once.’
‘You can give it to me to-morrow,’ said Kitty.
‘You will be too busy to come here to-morrow, my dear. It will be more convenient for you to bid us farewell tonight.’
She rose and with the easy dignity which her voluminous habit could not conceal left the room. In a moment Sister St. Joseph came in. She was come to say good-bye. She hoped that Kitty would have a pleasant journey; she would be quite safe, for Colonel Yü was sending a strong escort with her; and the sisters constantly did the journey alone and no harm came to them. And did she like the sea?
Mon Dieu
, how ill she was when there was a storm in the Indian ocean,
Madame
her mother would be pleased to see her daughter, and she must take care of herself; after all she had another little soul in her care now, and they would all pray for her; she would pray constantly for her and the dear little baby and for the soul of the poor, brave doctor. She was voluble, kindly, and affectionate; and yet Kitty was deeply conscious that for Sister St. Joseph (her gaze intent on eternity) she was but a wraith without body or substance. She had a wild impulse to seize the stout, good-natured nun by the shoulders and shake her, crying: ‘Don’t you know that I’m a human being, unhappy and alone, and I want comfort and sympathy and encouragement; oh, can’t you turn a minute away from God and give me a little compassion; not the Christian compassion that you have for all suffering things, but just human compassion for me?’ The thought brought a smile to Kitty’s lips: how very surprised Sister St. Joseph would be! She would certainly be convinced of what now she only suspected, that all English people were mad.
‘Fortunately I am a very good sailor,’ Kitty answered. ‘I’ve never been sea-sick yet.’
The Mother Superior returned with a small, neat parcel.
‘They’re handkerchiefs that I’ve had made for the nameday of my mother,’ she said. ‘The initials have been embroidered by our young girls.’
Sister St. Joseph suggested that Kitty would like to see how beautifully the work was done and the Mother Superior with an indulgent, deprecating smile untied the parcel. The handkerchiefs were of very fine lawn and the initials embroidered in a complicated cypher were surmounted by a crown of strawberry leaves. When Kitty had properly admired the workmanship the handkerchiefs were wrapped up again and the parcel handed to her. Sister St. Joseph, with an
‘eh bien, Madame, je vous quitte
’ and a repetition of her polite and impersonal salutations, went away. Kitty realised that this was the moment to take her leave of the Superior. She thanked her for her kindness to her. They walked together along the bare, white-washed corridors.
‘Would it be asking too much of you to register the parcel when you arrive at Marseilles?’ said the Superior.
‘Of course I’ll do that,’ said Kitty.
She glanced at the address. The name seemed very grand, but the place mentioned attracted her attention.
‘But that is one of the
châteaux
I’ve seen. I was motoring with friends in France.’
‘It is very possible,’ said the Mother Superior. ‘Strangers are permitted to view it on two days a week.’
‘I think if I had ever lived in such a beautiful place I should never have had the courage to leave it.’
‘It is of Course a historical monument. It is scarcely intimate. If I regretted anything it would not be that, but the little
château
that we lived in when I was a child. It was in the Pyrenees. I was born within sound of the sea. I do not deny that sometimes I should like to hear the waves beating against the rocks.’
Kitty had an idea that the Mother Superior, divining her thought and the reason for her remarks, was slyly making fun of her. But they reached the little, unpretentious door of the convent. To Kitty’s surprise the Mother Superior took her in her arms and kissed her. The pressure of her pale lips on Kitty’s cheeks, she kissed her first on one side and then on the other, was so unexpected that it made her flush and inclined to cry.
‘Good-bye, God bless you, my dear child.’ She held her for a moment in her arms. ‘Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding.’
The convent door closed for the last time behind her.