The Payment (31 page)

Her rich auburn air hair spread out framing
her face, her body lay like a shimmering pearl as it glistened in
the moonlight. As his gaze slowly swept over her, he felt himself
start to harden again. Disgusted at his lack of willpower, he
silently cursed and stood up quickly reaching for his pants, he
jerkily pulled them on hastily. With his back to her, he hurriedly
did up the buttons and growled out. “Get dressed Camon and be quick
about it.” Jesse’s voice came out harsh with guilt as he pulled on
his shirt, he turned to look over his shoulder to see if she obeyed
him and relief washed through him when he saw dressing.

Camon still trying to come to grips with
what she and Jesse just shared, never in all her life did she think
making love would be so overwhelmingly dazzling. Jesse made her
body sing with ecstasy, even now, she still tingled from head to
toe, but she grew disappointed when he moved off her. When she saw
him jump to his feet she frowned, hoping that he did not regret the
beautiful experience they just shared.

Because Lord help her, she didn’t regret it;
in fact, she hoped that very soon she could experience the mind
consuming rapture again. Sitting up frowning at the harshness of
Jesse’s voice, she brushed the hair from her face. Biting her lip,
she looked at his taut muscled back worriedly. Somehow she knew
deep within her heart that now he did regret making love to
her.

Her lips tightening so she wouldn’t cry, she
reached for her nightgown and pulled it on. Still she wondered why
Jesse now seemed so angry. It appeared as though he never wanted
what they shared between them to happen at all. Lord help her, she
wanted him to kiss and touch her from the moment he first rode up
to the house. Taking a deep breath, she rose to her feet.

“
Jesse what’s wrong? Why are you so
angry? Is it because of what we have done? Please Jesse tell me
you’re not angry because of it?” She stood looking up at him,
wringing her hands, her deep green eyes pleading with
him.

Silently cursing, Jesse slowly, reluctantly
turned to face Camon. “What in the bloody hell have I done, don’t
you mean Camon? What happened is entirely my fault.” He ran a hand
through his long golden hair and looked sadly at her, taking a
harsh deep breath he stared over the top of her head and spoke
again in a tight voice filled with contempt for himself. “Look
Camon this should never have happened, you should never have come
out here, and I should have never have let things get out of hand.
Damn it all Camon I told you I was leaving, you didn’t do this to
keep me here did you?”

The thought hit him hard but looking at the
hurt and astonishment on her face, he knew she never planned such a
thing and felt another wave of guilt swamp him for thinking she
would. She is too sweet and too innocent to try to use such a way
to keep him.

Camon felt her eyes swim with tears at
Jesse’s cruel words and accusation, she also felt devastated that
he regretted what they shared, but most of all his words of leaving
nearly overwhelmed her with heartache.

Guilt once again riddled him at the
desolation he saw on her face. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, look
Camon this should never have happened, and I am a real bastard for
letting it.” He silently cursed himself when he saw the stunned
hurt look on Camon’s face. Jesse also noticed the tears that came
into her large green eyes, and once again, he ran a hand through
his long blonde hair, feeling the heavy weight of remorse set
firmly on his shoulders.

Hell, things suddenly became such a bloody
mess and staring down at her, he knew that he would cause her even
more heartache. Turning away from her, he could not look into her
wounded green eyes or face a moment longer. Because he knew if he
did, he would never be able to leave her and leave her he would. It
was even more imperative that he leave now, because he knew if he
stayed, he would make love to her again, and he could never let it
happen a second time.

Hearing his words, Camon felt her
heart ripping apart into tiny pieces. She thought Jesse loved her
as much as she loved him and that is why she came out to the barn
to be with him. Why had she given herself to him?
How could I have been so wrong? It seemed that
Jesse did not care for me at all.

Anxiously she watched him quickly saddle his
horse, her heart twisted in her chest, as the realization of what
he intended doing slowly sunk in. She kept trying to push the
horrendous thought from taking hold. Not until he started stowing
his gear on the back of his horse that everything seemed to sink in
and the reality of what would happen next filled her.

“
Jesse I don’t understand. Please,
what are you doing? You’re not really going to just ride off and
leave me. I thought you loved me as I love you. Please Jesse let's
just talk about this, I know you were planning to leave in a few
days, but can’t we talk about this?” Hearing herself pleading, she
quickly swallowed the rest of her words when she saw that Jesse
just kept packing his gear, ignoring her.

She straightened her shoulders waiting for
him to turn around and answer her, but as he kept on ignoring her,
she felt her anger grow through the pain and devastation filling
her. As she waited for him to answer, the realization dawned on her
that maybe Jesse only used her for his own pleasure and
satisfaction. Her body stiffened at the horrible thought, and as
she continued to watch him, she became not only furious but also
deeply ashamed of what they just shared. How could she have been so
wrong?

However, she wanted more than anything to
strike out at him, to somehow cause him as much pain as he caused
her. She didn’t know how. Instead, she remained standing there
watching him and slowly growing angrier as she waited for him to
finally turn and face her. Having given him her love and the most
precious gift, he seemed to be coldly ignoring how much pain his
actions hurt her and she almost hated him for the cold way he now
treated her.

Jesse heard her words and fought the
need to turn around and take her in his arms, to tell her how much
he cared for her but stopped himself. Instead, he hardened his
emotions and kept on getting ready to leave. Even knowing that he
must be hurting her, he knew that it was best if he left
now.
Damn it all, I’m not ready to settle
down, I’m not ready for a wife,
he silently kept
telling himself over and over.

With her hands resting on her hips, watching
him, her anger building with every moment he ignored her, Camon
watched as he turned to lead his horse out of the barn. Quickly,
she stepped in his way to stop him from going any further. Swinging
her arm back and making a fist, she hit him in the eye as hard as
she could. Her fist smarted so bad she wondered if she might have
broken it. However, she would not let him see that it hurt her as
much she hoped that it hurt him. By the stunned look on his face,
she felt some small satisfaction.

Unprepared for Camon’s fist hitting him,
Jesse’s hand came up, and he covered his eye. “Bloody hell, I guess
I deserve that. Look Cam I’m real sorry, I never meant for this to
happen. And I do care for you. I really do, but you have to
understand I ain’t ready to settle down or marry. I have plans.”
His hand dropped away from his smarting eye, he knew by the look on
her beautiful angry face that he was doing a very bad job of making
her understand at all.

It seemed his words not only hurt her but
also angered her even more. “Please Cam try to understand, you knew
I planned on leaving.” He moved to stand in front of her; he
reached out to take her in his arms. However, she took a step back
out of reach and his arms dropped to his sides. Taking a deep
breath, he took off his hat and raked his fingers through his
hair.

“
Please Camie, honey I never meant for
this to happen. Believe me Cam, I would do anything to change what
just happened between us, but I can’t. I just wish I could, but you
knew that I never intended staying.” Jesse hung his head feeling
like the lowest of the lowest of human beings he could ever
imagine.

Each of his words was like a slap across her
face, each word he spoke tore at her heart. It seemed as if her
love and the gift of her innocence meant nothing to him. She felt
dirty and cheap. Camon took a deep shaky breath and stiffened her
spine, there would be no way in hell, she intended to let this man
know how each word he spoke struck like a knife and pieced her
heart.

“
I wish too that I had not been so
foolish to have thought that you loved me, it was a mistake. A
mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life and yes, I think
maybe it is best that you leave. However, before you go, I would
like to thank you for tonight, I’m sure I will become quite good at
what we did with a bit more practice, don’t you think so Jesse? Now
don’t let me keep you I can see that you’re in a hurry.” Turning
her back to him, she walked out the barn, but as she cleared the
doorway, she turned to face him, her eyes green chips of
ice.

“
I really was a fool, I really thought
you were different Jesse someone special, I guess I was wrong about
what sort of man you were and a lot of other things as well. Just
one more thing, make sure you never come back here again Jesse.
Because if you ever do I’ll shoot you on sight, no questions asked,
I never want to lay eyes on you ever again.” Without another word,
she turned and headed for the house, making sure she did not turn
around, run back into his arms again, and beg him to stay with her.
No matter how much she wanted to.

For a long time Jesse stood where she left
him, his fists clenched and unclenched at his sides, stunned and
hurt by her words. Even though he knew that he deserved each of her
hateful words she said, he also felt angry at her threat to do what
they just shared with someone else. Feeling something withering and
die deep inside of him, he suddenly realized that he might just
have lost something very special.

Earlier when he looked into her cold green
eyes and saw the hurt and loathing, he knew he had. He couldn’t
blame her for feeling as she did or for the things she said. He
used her and then treated her callously. At the moment he hated and
loathed himself. Nevertheless, he could not stay, he needed to go
home, he has already been away too long, and there were also his
plans for the future.

Plans that did not include a woman. Turning
away, he swung up in his saddle and rode away. Still he felt empty
inside, and it grew stronger with every step his horse took him
away from the woman he left behind.