Phredde and I retreated quickly, just in time too, because the six caterpillars started galumphing over to where we’d been, their little antennae wriggling eagerly.
‘Those things are hungry!’ I whispered to Phredde.
She nodded.
The six caterpillars were now all leaning dutifully over the edge, their mouths open. They were really tiny mouths, with tiny teeth, but they were open so wide you could see right inside, which was all green as well.
The butterfly hauled up a long leafy envelope, then thrust it right down the first caterpillar’s gullet. The caterpillar gave a sort of choked gobble, then shut its tiny mouth and looked pleased with itself.
‘No way!’ I whispered.
Phredde and I edged even further into the middle of the nest, which was as far as we could get from the edge. I mean I know I’d lost my lunch and all that, but a long piece of leaf shoved down my throat wasn’t going to make me feel any better.
‘Look Phredde, there has to be something you can do!’ I whispered desperately.
‘What!’ cried Phredde, as the second caterpillar had its dinner pushed down into its stomach. ‘If I try to make us disappear the butterflies will just counteract the spell. That’s what parents always do if kids try to disappear in Phaeryland!’
The third caterpillar gave a satisfied sort of burp.
‘Then we have to…no that won’t work…’ I stared in anguish as the fourth leaf descended into the fourth caterpillar, and then the fifth…
I had to think of something! Fast!
The last caterpillar had been fed now. The butterfly was eyeing us inscrutably—I mean, who knows what butterflies are thinking.
But no matter how dumb butterflies are I was pretty sure this one was able to count up to eight. Eight little
caterpillars—well, six caterpillars and a human and a phaery, but the butterfly didn’t realise that.
Six little caterpillars had been fed, which left two little caterpillars who still needed their tucker, namely me and Phredde…
That butterfly was going to haul us over for our dinner any second. I had to think HARD.
‘I’ve got it!’ I yelled. ‘Phredde, I’ve got it!’
‘Got what?’ asked Phredde miserably.
‘A way to get out of here! We just have to take them by surprise! All you have to do is…’
I bent down to whisper in her ear. I didn’t THINK those butterflies understood English, but there was no point taking any chances.
There was a faint PING! as Phredde put the plan into action, which was none too soon, because just as its faint echoes died away the first butterfly grasped two rolled up leaves in one of its long sticklike legs, then lifted its next leg into the nest, then the the next one and the next…
The butterfly began to stride towards us. Butterflies can stride awfully well on just three legs…at least they can in Phaeryland.
Closer…closer…closer…
‘Er…would you mind if I didn’t have any dinner today?’ I whispered frantically. ‘I was airsick just a little while ago and I’m not very hungry…’
Well, that’s what I MEANT to say, but the butterfly obviously thought my open mouth meant I was waiting for my din-dins, because it lifted the long green leafy envelope and…
…
Truggatrugggaruggatrugggaruggatruggga…
The butterfly looked up, still holding that big leaf.
There was something long and silver in the sky. But it wasn’t a butterfly…
…
Ruggatrugggaruggatrugggaruggatruggga…
Two seconds later the helicopter was right above us, and the butterflies were still staring upwards in shock, like they’d never seen a helicopter before.
Well, I don’t suppose they had, because there never had been a helicopter in Phaeryland until Phredde magicked one up, like I’d told her to.
Suddenly someone pushed something long and thin out of the helicopter. It was a ladder! The helicopter came lower lower lower…and the ladder came lower too, until it was dangling right above Phredde and me!
I tried to grab the end of it, then missed, because it was waving all over the place.
Just then the butterfly woke up, and decided that no matter what was going
rugggatrugggatrugga
overhead the babies needed to be fed…but at that moment I got my fingers round the ladder and started to haul myself up.
It’s easy to SAY haul myself up, but it’s much harder to do it. I mean you try climbing up a rope into a moving helicopter. But it’s a heck of a lot easier if the alternative is being stuffed full of leafy dinner.
I could feel Phredde on the ladder behind me, which actually made it all a lot worse, because she’d push the ladder one way and I’d push it another, and all the time I expected to feel a long thin butterfly leg pull us back.
But I reckon the butterflies must have been in shock. They must never have seen a caterpillar escape into a helicopter before, which is what I’d counted on. They just sat there staring at us with those big round black googly eyes, and the caterpillars were all staring too.
‘Go fiddle with your antennae, leafeaters!’ I jeered back at them…because after all the caterpillars hadn’t been very welcoming. I mean if someone had been shoved into MY nest I’d have at least said ‘hello’, or whatever the equivalent is in caterpillar.
And then two strong hands reached down and hauled me the rest of the way into the helicopter, then reached past me and pulled Phredde in too.
‘Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of ginger ale!’ the captain greeted us, as he steered the helicopter away from the tree and the butterflies, now peering upwards in a sad and bewildered way as we disappeared out of their nest and out of their tree and out of their lives.
‘Phredde you dimwit! This is a helicopter, not a pirate ship!’ I yelled over the noise of the engine.
‘Who cares! This is Phaeryland!’ she yelled back.
And suddenly the helicopter swerved and
ruggatrugggaruggatruggga
we were heading back towards the glade of flowers where the butterflies had kidnapped us.
To be perfectly honest, I was a bit nervous about landing to pick flowers—I mean look at the trouble we’d gotten into last time.
What if this time some gnome decided we were garden ornaments and tried to stand us next to their fish pond, or some pixie thought we’d made a good addition to their patchwork quilt?
So Phredde quickly magicked a couple of bunches of flowers right up into the helicopter, so we didn’t even have to descend.
Then we thanked the captain, who said ‘Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of ginger ale’ in a really jovial manner, as though rescuing two kids—well, one kid and a phaery
—from giant butterflies was something he did every day.
Which for all I know it was.
Then we PING!ed back home, and Mum gave me heaps for being late for dinner, which was really unfair, because it wasn’t my fault at all.
But at least Phredde’s mum got her flowers for her birthday, although I bet Phredde didn’t tell her exactly how she came to get them.
Anyway, as Mrs Olsen’s always saying, you need to learn from your mistakes, so that’s why I’m passing on our experience to you.
Next time YOU head off to Phaeryland, remember to wear your best silk dress, and lots of lace and a tiara (or satin pants, dancing slippers and an embroidered golden waistcoat if you happen to be a boy).
I know it’s pretty sooky—and glass slippers make your feet sweat something disgusting.
But as Phredde and I have finally realised, it’s worth learning how to dress to fit in. Because if we hadn’t been wearing the right clothes when that Egyptian mummy chased us…
But that’s another story.
5
1
See ‘Phredde’s Dragon’ in
A Phaery Named Phredde.
2
See ‘A Phaery Named Phredde’ in
A Phaery Named Phredde.
3
See ‘Phredde’s Dragon’ in
A Phaery Named Phredde.
4
See ‘Vampire’s Birthday’ in
A Phaery Named Phredde.
5
see
Phredde and the Zomble Librarian.
Jackie French
To everyone in Dandenongs Pod, Palmerston District Primary School and the students in 3CR:
Alice
—
Jesse MKangandeep
—
LukeSimon
—
Joshua PLauren
—
LeilaniJohnathan
—
BenJessie D
—
LeighTess
—
AlexandraNatasha
—
EmilyJames
—
JordanJessica H
—
GaneshRichard
—
NicoleJack
—
Jessica SSam
—
JakeStacey
—
Kevin
and Chris Reeve and Barbara Braxton, who inspire them! Here is your dungeon, dark and slimy and with vampire bats, as you requested. With much love, Jackie
PS. And to Jessica, because your best friend asked me to put you in this book!
Chapter 1 Just Another Day in the Castle
Chapter 2 Off to (Yuk) Phaeryland
Chapter 3 Dragons and Bunny Rabbits
Chapter 4 Bruce Arrives, and the Three Fat Hogs
Chapter 5 A Big Bad Wolf (Well, dumb, anyway)
Chapter 6 Breakfast in Phaeryland
Chapter 7 Phredde and Bruce’s Secrets
Chapter 9 In the Dungeon of Doom
Chapter 10 Down the Slimy Tunnel
Chapter 11 The Temple of Gloom
Chapter 12 The Attack of the Vampire Mosquitoes
Chapter 15 Back at the Sweet Pea Guesthouse
Chapter 16 Bruce is Embarrassed
Chapter 17 A Pretty Cool Wedding
Chapter 18 Bruce Does a Brave Thing
For those who came in late…
Prudence: A normal schoolgirl who lives in a magic castle and has a fairy, sorry, phaery, as her best friend. She likes feeding her piranhas, sailing her pirate ship and making sure her mum doesn’t find out what she and Phredde get up to.
Phredde: A 30-cm-high phaery. Her real name is The Phaery Ethereal but unless you want your kneecaps kicked by a furious phaery, DON’T call her this unless you’re a teacher, parent or someone even Phredde acknowledges it’s not a good idea to kneecap! Likes any adventure that doesn’t involve wearing glass slippers or handsome princes.
P.S. That’s PHAERY, buster, not fairy. Don’t call Phredde a ‘fairy’ if you value your kneecaps.
Bruce: A handsome phaery prince. Or he might be if he hadn’t decided to be a giant frog instead of a kid. (A
Crinea signifera
, if you want to be precise. Ask Bruce if you want to know more about
Crinea signifera
—or better still, look it up in the library, because Bruce will tell you EVERYTHING.) Bruce likes catching flies and collecting recipes for mosquito pizza. Holds the interschool record for the long jump
and
the high jump at the Athletics Carnival.
P.S. Don’t called Bruce a fairy either. He won’t kneecap you but you might find dried flies in your muesli.
Bruce’s parents: Nice people—sorry, nice phaeries. They’re quite tolerant of having a frog for a son, especially when he threatens to turn into a slug instead if they raise any objections.
The Phaery Queen: Well, she’s a queen. And a phaery. What more need I say?
Mark: Pru’s older brother. He’s also a werewolf, a trait he inherited from his father’s side of the family. Answers to ‘Dog’s Breath’—but don’t try it if you can’t run fast.
Pru’s dad: Loves everything South American, except possibly jaguars, piranhas, enormous boa constrictors and giant sloths.
Pru’s mum: Loves crosswords and coffee and is just beginning to understand computers. Fusses about the least little thing, like vampires, ogres and going out in the sun without a hat and sunblock.
Pru’s Great Uncle Ron: Retired butcher. He is also a werewolf.
The Phaery Valiant: Phredde’s dad. Prefers to be called Jim.
The Phaery Splendifera: Phredde’s mum. Loves crosswords, honeydew nectar and racing magic carpets. Has
The Directory of Handsome Princes
on her bedside table.
Amelia: In Pru’s, Phredde’s and Bruce’s class at school. Good at…well, everything, according to Amelia. You don’t really want to know anything more about her.
The Phaery Daffodil: Graduated top of her class in Evil Studies at Phaeryland University.
Mordred: Her son. He’s studying Special Effects at technical college.
Prince Peanut: A
really
handsome prince. Also vegetarian.
Plus…a very cute bunny rabbit, a big bad wolf (a bit covered in yuk), 3 little pigs (well, great fat hogs, actually), 1 bogeyman (sorry, bogeyperson), an invasion of flesh-eating ghouls, a plumber called Dwayne, a special guest appearance by Snow White and the seven quite short computer software engineers…and vampire bats, trolls and giant, blood-sucking mosquitoes.
(ie you have to read this bit first so it terrifies your toes off before you start the real story)
Lightning shuddered above the castle. Wind screamed through the dungeons as though someone had shoved red-hot nails up its fingernails—which is pretty impossible when you think about it, as wind doesn’t have any fingers, and anyway, it was Tuesday, and the inhabitants of the Temple of Gloom only tortured their victims on Friday afternoons. (It made them taste nicer when they ate them for Saturday lunch.)
It was a dark and stormy night, too. It was
always
a dark and stormy night outside the Temple of Gloom. Vampire bats flapped around the turrets. Wolves howled into the night, and a tortured voice shrieked into the darkness.