Authors: Simon Guerrier
Stanley and the other badger, Kitty Rose, worked the simple controls, and the capsule turned slowly round to face the spiky peach of the pirate ship. Stanley dum-de-dummed as they made their way forward. When she'd seen it on the screens aboard the
Brilliant,
Martha had had no idea of the scale of the pirate ship, but it was enormous. The spikes weren't guns but narrow tower
blocks, each one the size of the hospital she used to work in. She realised there must be thousands and thousands of badgers aboard. It was less a ship than a moving city.
Still humming to himself contentedly, Stanley steered them round into the vast hangar at the back of the ship where thousands of identical capsules sat waiting. They parked in a free space about a mile into the hangar, and Stanley patted his thighs in time to his humming while he waited for a signal from the controls on his dashboard to say it was OK to get out.
Martha prised herself out of the cramped back seat, her knees and elbows aching. Stanley shrugged at her discomfort. The other badgers emerged from capsules across the way, prodding Archibald and Jocelyn forwards with their guns. Archibald grinned at Martha like this was all a game.
'You can see where I got made,' he told her.
'Nah,' said Stanley. 'You got uvver stuff to do.'
Their captors led them to what was almost a golf-car, which whined and whispered as it took them to the end of the huge hangar and dropped them off at a lift. Stanley hummed again as they waited for the lift to arrive. One of the other badgers recognised the tune and dared to join in the humming. Stanley glared at him and he quickly stopped.
The spacious lift seemed to go sideways as well as up and down, and Martha tried to make sense of the complex instructions Stanley gave it. She was still sure she'd be able to escape somehow.
They stood in awkward silence as the lift rushed them upwards and along. Stanley and the other badgers seemed to itch with excitement about wherever they were going. Whatever Captain Florence had in store for her prisoners, it would, Martha realised, be entertainment for the other badger pirates.
Eventually the lift came to a stop, and the doors slid open with a ding. Sweet and spicy air wafted in to them, a mix of pot-pourri and curry. Stanley beckoned his prisoners forward, and Martha stepped out into a passageway of hanging silks and incense. Not at all what she'd expected on any kind of spaceship.
As she proceeded down the corridor of pungent, hanging silks, Martha glimpsed a frenzy of activity going on out of view. The silks hid badgers in various loose-fitting, sweaty clothes as they busied themselves at banks of complex controls. They were, realised Martha, on the bridge of the pirate ship. But the captain here had tried to make it look homely.
At the end of the passageway, a great viewing gallery looked out into space. Looking up and at an angle, Martha could see the Starship
Brilliant.
She could never get used to space being in three dimensions. In front of the window, silhouetted by the stars, stood the dread Captain Florence.
'Captain!' said Stanley, hurrying over. He hung his head and his whole body bowed to her. 'I done as you asked,' he simpered. An' I brought you prisoners.'
Captain Florence slapped him so hard across the face
he skidded over the floor.
'Speak,' she said, her voice rich and husky, 'when yar spoken to, me hearty!'
She turned to see the prisoners she'd been brought. Martha gasped as the captain stepped into the light. Captain Florence stood taller than any of her pirates. She wore a loose, collarless blouse. Her bare, bristly arms were taut and muscular, like she spent her whole time working out. A jagged scar worked across her forehead, dipped behind an eyepatch, and then continued down her hairy cheek.
'Er,' said Martha. 'It's very nice to meet you.'
Captain Florence looked her slowly up and down, like a butcher might appraise a fatted calf. Then she clicked her paws, called out 'Dylan!' to one of the badgers working behind the hanging silks, and turned back to watch the
Brilliant,
perfectly framed in the middle of the great bay window.
'Um,' said Martha, as badgers – one of them called Dylan – ran about behind her, doing whatever they'd just been bidden. She heard paws working on keyboards and levers being pressed.
And then a brilliant white beam of light struck out from underneath them and blew the
Brilliant
to smithereens.
The pirate ship
Mandelbrot Sett
had space for one million of the capsules it used for raiding other spacecraft. The hangar had a hundred levels, and each level divided into a grid of parking spaces, one hundred by one hundred.
This did not mean that there were capsules to fill all the parking spaces. The badgers expected to lose at least a few on any given raid, and over the years they'd taken part in several thousand raids. Though they replaced the capsules when they could, there were still various parking spaces dotted around the hangar's hundred floors.
And into one of these, with a rasping, grating sound as if the very fabric of space and time was being torn through, materialised the TARDIS.
The door of the TARDIS creaked open, and out stepped Mrs Wingsworth. 'Oh honestly, dear,' she said. 'It's like something died in here.'
The Doctor followed her out, sniffing at the air. 'Well that's car parks for you,' he said. 'Although, given where we are, it's likely something did.'
'Hoi!' shouted a gruff voice from behind the rows of parked pirate capsules. Two badger pirates came running forward, their guns at the ready. The Doctor turned to Mrs Wingsworth and winked. He had the first stirrings of a plan.
'Hullo!' he said to the two badgers cheerily. 'I'm the Doctor, this is Mrs Wingsworth. We've got an appointment with your captain.'
The two badgers skidded to a halt and looked nervously at one another. 'You gotta what?' one of them asked the Doctor.
'An appointment,' he said. 'Brought it from the
Brilliant
for her. She'll be livid if she doesn't get it.'
The badgers whispered to one another, obviously terrified of what would happen if they upset Captain Florence. And, he could see them thinking, no one would really be stupid enough to go see the captain if they didn't have to. 'OK,' said one of them. 'You come with us.'
'It'd be our pleasure,' said the Doctor. 'Wouldn't it, Mrs Wingsworth?'
'Certainly, dear,' she said. She hung her tentacle through the Doctor's proffered elbow, and they followed the two badgers as if they were on a night out at the opera.
'I'm sorry,' said the Doctor as they made their way
between the hundreds of pirate capsules towards the lift. 'I didn't catch your names.'
'Karl,' said one of the badgers. 'Tha's Robbie. We're on duty.'
'And you're very professional about it,' said the Doctor. 'I'll be telling your captain how impressed we are with you.'
Karl and Robbie grinned at each other and quickened their pace towards the lifts. The lift itself, when it came, was big enough to fit two or three of the pirate capsules into, which was probably useful for getting things repaired, thought the Doctor. Before stepping inside, he turned to the two badgers.
'Well,' he said. 'You two have been extremely kind. Mrs Wingsworth and I are both very touched.'
'It's been simply splendid!' agreed Mrs Wingsworth, perhaps enjoying the act a little bit too much.
'But we mustn't detain you any longer,' said the Doctor. 'You must get back to your duties.'
'Uh,' said Robbie. 'We, uh, don't come wiv ya?'
'Oh no!' said the Doctor appalled at the very idea. 'You're on duty! What would your captain say?'
The two badgers stepped quickly back from the lift, and the Doctor worked the controls. The lift went up and down and could also go sideways, and it took the Doctor almost two whole seconds to work out how to get them to the bridge. He keyed in the instructions and, with a ding, the lift doors began to close. Mrs Wingsworth waved politely to Karl and Robbie.
When the lift doors had closed and the lift was on its way, Mrs Wingsworth let out a long sigh. 'Well!' she said. 'I never thought we'd get away with it.'
'Oh, it's easy enough,' said the Doctor. 'I do this all the time.'
'What, just walking onto alien pirate spaceships as if you own the place?' laughed Mrs Wingsworth.
'Oh yeah,' said the Doctor. 'It's like a hobby.'
Mrs Wingsworth laughed. And then the laugh tailed off and became more like she was choking. The Doctor realised she was forcing herself not to cry.
'Sorry,' said the Doctor. 'Forgot how this sort of thing can take a bit of getting used to.'
'Oh no!' wailed Mrs Wingsworth. 'It's been amazing, dear! I've never felt more alive. The first time they killed me, I was absolutely terrified. But it didn't matter after that. And I watched your friend Martha. She didn't have a gun like they did, and she stood up to them! She used her brains. Tried to get that Archibald one drunk!'
The Doctor laughed. 'One-track mind, that one,' he said. 'You can tell she's from London.'
'You don't understand!' said Mrs Wingsworth, desperately. 'I've never... We never... I've never stood up to anyone before.' She hung her head, sadly, like how could he even look at her now?
'Ah,' said the Doctor. 'You've got a big family, haven't you, Mrs Wingsworth?'
She looked up at him, surprised. 'Whatever's that got to do with anything, dear?' she said.
'You talk about them all the time,' he told her. 'Your cousin who did this, your uncle who did that.'
'There's nothing wrong with being proud of your lineage,' she said.
'But you never tell stories about things you've done yourself,' he said.
'Oh,' she said. 'Well.' She shuffled awkwardly, stroking her tentacles together. 'I suppose that's because I don't have very much to tell you.'
The Doctor smiled at her. 'I guess not,' he said. 'There's not really anything exciting in how you stood up to the pirates. Or how you got killed once or twice. Or teaching Dashiel how to say "please" and "thank you".'
Mrs Wingsworth shivered. 'They killed him,' she said. 'I saw his body.'
'I'm sorry,' said the Doctor, kindly.
'If I hadn't won him over...' said Mrs Wingsworth.
'He'd have been a poorer badger,' the Doctor finished for her. 'You showed him a better life. And that's what he died for.'
Mrs Wingsworth sniffed. 'I suppose.'
'So,' said the Doctor. 'You've got stories to tell your clever family when I get you back to them.'
'Oh,' she said. 'I don't expect they'll be very interested, dear. They never were in me. That's why I was on the
Brilliant.
You see,' she added nervously, 'it wasn't the war I was running away from.'
The Doctor took one of her tentacles in his hands, calming her. 'You should be proud of all you've done
here,' he said.
'Oh, I am!' she said, snatching her tentacle from him. 'It's just they would never think so. Because they never do!' Her eyes opened wide at this sudden revelation. 'Because,' she said, more quietly, 'they just aren't worth the bother.'
'You don't pick your family,' said the Doctor. 'Trust me, it's an achievement just to survive them sometimes.'
Mrs Wingsworth laughed, a deep belly rumble rather than the high, sarcastic tinkling she had used before, when laughing at other people's failings. 'All right,' she said, slapping a tentacle against the Doctor's shoulder in a manner most unseemly for a Balumin of her age. 'No more feeling sorry for myself and sulking in the corner. And they can either like it or lump it.'
'You go, girl,' said the Doctor.
'Believe me, Doctor, I intend to,' said Mrs Wingsworth. 'Now let's sort out this wretched pirate captain, shall we?'
And with a ding the lift arrived at the bridge of the pirate ship. The doors eased open to reveal a passageway of hanging silks, behind which badgers worked controls. The air was rich with exotic spices, flavours from all over the cosmos. It was a sign of just how widely travelled these badger pirates were. Mrs Wingsworth took the Doctor's elbow, and – again acting as if they were honoured guests – they stepped forward. At the end of the passageway, they could see Archibald and Jocelyn held captive by their former badger comrades.
And, down some steps, Martha and the ferocious pirate captain gazed out of a wide bay window at the Starship
Brilliant.
The Doctor and Mrs Wingsworth were just in time to see a beam of blinding light strike the
Brilliant
and blast it into pieces.
'No!' yelled Martha at the pirate captain. 'You've killed the Doctor!'
'Er,' said the Doctor. 'Actually, she missed.' The badgers wheeled round, astonished at this intrusion. 'Sorry to butt in,' said the Doctor, skipping down the steps to join them in front of the great bay window. He waved at Archibald and Jocelyn and winked at Martha. 'But we saw a light on and thought we'd just pop in. Any danger of a cup of tea? Or some of those cheese and pineapple on sticks?'
'I said!' said Archibald, straining from the badger who held him captive to tell his other former comrades. 'I said they was good!'
'You all right?' the Doctor asked Martha.
'Yeah,' she said. 'Fine. Getting a bit bored of all this, to be honest.'
'Oh dear,' said the Doctor. 'Well, don't worry. Have it all fixed in a jiffy.' He turned to the tall badger captain in the collarless blouse and eyepatch. She was tall for one of the badgers, her high-heeled boots meaning she could look the Doctor straight in the eye. 'Hello there!' he said. 'You must be Captain Florence. Nice to meet—'
Captain Florence roared, and the next thing the Doctor
knew he was skidding on his back across the floor, the impression of a hairy fist hot across his face. 'Ow,' he said. Beside him lay another badger pirate, who'd clearly just suffered a similar rebuke from the captain.
'Now really,' muttered Mrs Wingsworth from where she stood by Martha. 'There's no need for that sort of behaviour.'
Captain Florence slapped her hard across the face. Mrs Wingsworth cowered under the blow, her tentacles raised to protect herself from being hit again.
'This ain't fun and games!' the captain roared. She looked up at the badgers who had emerged from the silk hangings so as not to miss seeing the fighting. 'Amelia!' she barked. 'Samuel! Find out how these two got aboard!' Two badger pirates scurried back to their controls.
The Doctor slowly picked himself up off the floor. 'There's really no need to be like this,' he said. 'I just wanted a chat.'
'You got sum'fin to offer us, 'ave ya?' leered Captain Florence.
'A better life than you've got at the moment,' said Mrs Wingsworth.
'With canapés and tea,' added Archibald. He turned to the badgers holding him and Jocelyn prisoner. 'You gotta try 'em,' he said. 'They're good.'
'Er, yeah,' said the Doctor. He stepped up to Captain Florence, though just out of reach of her punching him again. 'I'm disappointed you've not already listened to your friend Archie.'
Archibald bowed his head. 'I tried tellin' 'em,' he said.
'Oh, I'm not blaming you, Archie,' said the Doctor kindly. 'It's just a shame your management aren't open to suggestions. Not looking to new investment opportunities, to expand the business portfolio. Doesn't say much for their long-term prospects, if you ask me.'
Captain Florence pulled the gun from the belt around her waist. The Doctor tutted at her. 'Oh yes,' he said. 'That's the solution to everything, isn't it?'
But the captain didn't shoot him. Instead she shot Mrs Wingsworth. She didn't scream or cry out and, as the pink light ate her up, she kept staring defiantly at the captain. Captain Florence stepped back as the corpse collapsed in front of her. She looked a little shaken.
'Right,' she said, pointing the gun now at Martha.
'Captain!' called one of the badgers from behind the hanging silks. 'Karl and Robbie 'ave got the capsule what them two just arrived in!'
'Good,' said Captain Florence. 'Dump it inna space an' use it for target practice!'
The badgers cheered – target practice was clearly a bit of a treat. The Doctor felt his hearts heave. He couldn't believe their guns could destroy the TARDIS, but he didn't like the idea of her being sent tumbling off through space without him.
'Right,' said Captain Florence. Archie. You better tell us wha's so good 'bout this canner-pea stuff.'
Archibald wrenched free of the badgers holding him captive and came forward. He grinned at the Doctor
and Martha, then turned on his heel, his back to Captain Florence. Instead, he addressed his former comrades.
'Yeah,' he said. 'They 'ad this food on the
Brillian','
he told them. 'It was small but there was lots. And when you ate it all, then you jus' closed your eyes and there was more. It was good. It was food an' it was good to eat. It had... flavours. Tha's it, really.'
'Very eloquent,' said the Doctor. 'Very stirring. You should go into politics or something.'
'Yeah,' said Archie. He turned round to face Captain Florence and, perhaps because the Doctor and Martha were there, perhaps just because he'd been shown a better life, he didn't look at all fearful of her. 'It's good,' he told her.
'It may be,' she said to him quietly, and it looked like she had really considered what he'd said. 'But there's a problem, in't there?'
Behind her, through the bay window, the tiny shape of the TARDIS tumbled helplessly through space. Beams of blinding white light struck out at it from the pirate ship.
'What problem?' said Archibald.
'We blown up the
Brilliant,'
said Captain Florence. 'So there ain't no more good food for ya!'
'Oh yeah,' shrugged Archibald. He turned to the Doctor, and looked about to say something. But instead he screamed out as pink light engulfed him.
Captain Florence had shot him in the back.