“Pull yourself together,” I muttered. I'd been through worse than this. Acted a part harder than the one I needed to play now. After spending years pretending to enjoy the things those people did to me, this should be a piece of cake.
I took a few steadying breaths. Somehow, I thought, this was worse. Emotional pain was harder to mask than physical. Still, I would manage. I had to. For Rylan.
It wasn't easy, but I managed to make it through. The entire meal was tense, but there weren't any other outbursts. In fact, it seemed like Rylan's family had decided that the easiest way to deal with me was to pretend I wasn't there. I went along with it even though the dirty looks I was getting pissed me off. Even that wasn't enough to distract me though.
I didn't eat much, spending most of my time pushing the food around the plate. I felt Rylan giving me concerned looks, but I didn't look at him. If I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with what I knew I would have to do. Or, at least what I thought I would have to do.
I was trying very hard not to think about it too much. Once I did, I wouldn't be able to stop, and that would make it real. I had to make a choice.
I just didn't know yet what that choice would be. Or that's what I told myself.
Chapter 31
“Are you sure you're okay?” Rylan asked for what seemed like the thousandth time.
I nodded and forced a smile. The ride so far had been quiet and I knew what Rylan was thinking.
“I'm so sorry, love,” he finally said. “If I would've known they were going to act that way, I never would've asked you to meet them.”
“And when they wanted to meet the woman living with you?” I asked quietly. This wasn't what bothered me, but he seemed to need to talk about it, so I went with it.
“I'd tell them to accept you or go to hell.” His tone was mild, but I knew he meant it.
“You can't give up your family for me.” The guilt in my stomach knotted even more tightly. “They're just concerned about you.”
“Hey.” He reached over and took my hand. “It doesn't matter why they do it. I love you and I'm not giving you up.”
I swallowed hard, tears burning in my eyes. I let him think it was because of what he was saying rather than what I was hearing – that was taking his family away from him. He squeezed my hand and I looked away.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't come between him and his family. No matter how much he said he was choosing me over them, no matter how awful they'd been, they were his family. And he deserved a family. Everyone did.
Everyone except me, it seemed.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see my reflection in the window. With my hair dark again, I saw me as I used to be, the younger version of me. The me I never wanted to be again. Scared. Hurt. Weak.
I couldn't be weak again. Especially not when it came to Rylan. He'd been there for me through so much, and now it was my turn.
As the car stopped, I blinked back the last of the tears. I wouldn’t let him see me like this. He'd had a difficult enough night.
“We're home.”
I warmed at the sound of the words. Home. Something I'd never expected to have, especially not with another person. I didn't know what the future held, but for tonight, I had a home.
“I cleared out the bedroom,” he said as we walked inside. “Put the guest room furniture in storage and put my stuff in the guest room.” He grinned at me. “The movers have already been told to set up the bedroom first.”
I smiled back, pushing all of my doubts and fears down to the deepest part of me. Not now. Not tonight.
“My – our – room is empty, but there's a bed in the guest room and that's all we need.” His arm slid around my waist. He pressed his lips against my ear. “Fuck that. I don't even need a bed.”
A ripple of pleasure went through me. Before I made a decision, I'd give myself tonight.
As we entered the house, I turned towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling his head down so that our lips met. I felt his surprise, but it was momentary and then he kissed me back. He pulled me tight against him as he tilted his head, deepening the kiss. His tongue explored my mouth, twisting and curling around my tongue. He drew it into his mouth, sucking on it, each pull of his mouth sending a jolt of pleasure straight south.
I gasped into his mouth as he swept me into his arms and carried me up the stairs. He pushed open the door and laid me down on the bed. As much as I loved my own bed, this one was familiar and I relaxed into it.
“I can't wait for this to officially be our house.” He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at me. He traced the line of my jaw with his finger. “I want to make love to you in every room as we unpack.” He brushed his thumb across my bottom lip. “This is your home. Our home.”
I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. I loved the feel of the silky strands against my skin. A surge of love filled me. I'd never felt anything so strong, so intense. I ran my fingers across his cheekbones, his jaw, traced the slope of his nose. I wanted to memorize every line, every curve.
I knew it probably wasn't smart. A clean break would've been the best, but I couldn't do it. It would be pure torture calling up the memory of this face, of our time together, but it was worth it. I wouldn't trade one minute of what had happened from the moment I'd first met him, no matter how much pain it cost me.
“What's wrong?” Rylan's expression shifted from lust to concern.
“Just thinking about how lucky I am.” I lifted myself up enough to kiss his chin.
“I'm the lucky one.” He brushed his lips against mine and then began to make his way down my neck.
I moaned, tilting my head back. He kissed every inch of me, across my shoulders and down my arms. I caught my breath as his tongue teased at the crease of my elbow. His lips moved across my palm and up each finger before moving to the other arm. Only after he'd covered each exposed piece of skin did he reach for the zipper at my side. He slowly pulled it down, his tongue following.
“I'm going to take my time,” he said as he peeled the dress off of me. He let out a low whistle when he saw what I was wearing underneath.
Both the bra and the panties were sheer black lace, leaving only the shadows to conceal anything important. The garters around my thighs matched and the thigh-highs I wore were black as well. I shivered as he slowly rolled down each one, letting his fingers linger as they caressed my bare skin.
“I love knowing that I'm going to come home to this every night.” He kissed each of my knees, then moved up my thighs, each kiss bringing him closer to where I wanted him. When he pressed his mouth against the crotch of my panties, I moaned.
“You're so wet, love.”
His breath was hot against my skin. He hooked his fingers under the waistband of my panties and pulled them down, moving at an excruciating pace. Part of me wanted him to move fast, to beg him to take me now, to stop the ache between my legs. Instead, I gave myself over to him, let him lead. I knew I would want to remember this, every moment. And if this was it, the more I had to remember, the better.
His hands slid up my sides and then around my stomach. He cupped my breasts over my bra, the heat of his palms searing my skin. His fingers traced along the tops of my breasts and then he slid his fingers beneath the lace. His eyes flicked up to my face and then back down so he could watch as he pulled down the bra beneath my breasts.
“Beautiful.” The tip of his tongue teased one nipple, then the other. “I can't believe I get to wake up next to you every morning. That I can reach over and touch you.” His tongue circled my nipple and it hardened. “Taste you.”
When his lips wrapped around my nipple, I groaned. The feel of his mouth on me, the suction making my back arch. There were no words to describe just how amazing it felt. I yelped as he bit down hard enough to send a stab of bright pain through me, joining with the pleasure building inside me. He worked over my nipple until I was panting, and the sensitive skin was throbbing. He switched to the other, his fingers tracing patterns on my hip as he increased suction.
I gripped onto his shoulder, my fingers pulling at his shirt. He chuckled, the vibration sending another ripple of pleasure through me. I looked down as he released my nipple and began to kiss his way down my stomach. I reached down, thankful that he hadn't bound my hands. I needed to touch him. I buried my fingers in his hair as he lowered his head between my legs.
I cried out at the first pass of his tongue and felt him smile. He gripped my hips, holding them tightly as he began to kiss me, exploring my pussy as thoroughly as he'd explored my mouth. He caressed every last inch of sensitive flesh, making me writhe with pleasure. The moment he took my clit between his lips, I came. My back arched and he held on to me, coaxing me to greater heights. Finally, I tugged on his hair, pulling him up my body until his mouth crashed against mine. I tasted myself on his lips, his tongue.
“Your turn,” I gasped as I broke the kiss.
He gave me a puzzled look, but I pushed against his chest and he got the idea. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. His pants came next, revealing that long, thick shaft that made my pussy throb and my mouth water.
“Turn over.” Now he looked really confused. I smiled at him as I ran my hand over his chest, committing ridge and dip to memory. I leaned down and put my lips against his ear. “I want to taste your tattoo.”
His eyes darkened and he rolled over, folding his arms under his head. I took a moment to admire the view. His muscular calves and thighs. Firm ass. The dimples at the base of his spine. Then up to the broad expanse of his back. I used my fingers first, tracing along each line of the cross, loving the feel of his muscles twitching under my touch. When I leaned forward and began to follow the same path with my tongue, he moaned. I knew all too well that each person had their own unique taste. His, I loved. The tang of salt from sweat. The faint hint of the soap he used, all but gone after a long day. And that thing that was just him. People could call it pheromones or whatever. I didn't care what name they gave it, only that I wanted to remember it.
I went back down his spine and then moved to press an open-mouthed kiss on one muscular cheek. I scraped my teeth against his skin and he jumped. I chuckled, then let out an undignified squeal as he rolled over and pulled me on top of him.
“Hey!” I protested. “I'm not done.”
“Really?” He cocked an eyebrow, then released me. “Well then, by all means, continue.”
I slid off to the side and resumed my exploration of his body, this time on the other side. I ran my hands over his chest, lightly raking my nails over his flat nipples. He hissed and I repeated the gesture. I leaned down and ran my tongue over the darker skin, earning a moan, then a deeper grown when I teased him with my teeth.
After a few minutes, I moved lower, kissing across his sculpted abs, then down to his bellybutton. I teased it with my tongue and he jerked as if he was ticklish. Then I was right where I wanted to be. His cock was full and thick, pre-cum already leaking from the tip. I ran my tongue up the length of him, appreciating the texture, the taste. That thing that made his flavor unique was stronger here. I circled the head, teasing the tip with my tongue before moving to take him between my lips.
“Fuck!” The word was a half-strangled groan.
I lowered my head slowly, enjoying the weight of him on my tongue, the way my lips stretched to accommodate his girth. He moaned my name as I took more of him, relaxing the muscles in my throat to take all of him. My nose brushed against his pelvic bone and I stayed there for as long as I could before raising my head again. His muscles jumped under my palms as I pressed against his hips, holding them as I went down again.
“Jenna, love.” He put his hand on my head. “You keep that up, I'll come.” I raised my head and his eyes met mine. “And I want to be inside you when I do.”
I let his cock slip from between my lips. As much as I wanted to feel him come in my mouth again, taste him, I wanted him inside me more. He had stamina and a pretty amazing recovery time, but it had been a long day and I knew we were both tired.
I leaned down and kissed him, a slow kiss that became more passionate, more intense as his arms wrapped around me. He rolled me under him and I ran my hands up his arms to grip his shoulders. I was glad he wanted it this way. I could've been on top but I wanted to feel the weight of him. I knew there'd never be another man I'd trust this much and I wanted to remember how it felt to have his stomach pressed against mine, my legs around his waist as his cock rubbed against my sensitive skin.
He entered me slowly, letting me feel every inch of him as he stretched me. I whimpered at the torture, my body screaming for him to fill me, to make me his. And I was his, body, mind and soul, if there was such a thing. I'd given him everything and I wasn't going to hold back this time either. I needed him to know that this was real for me, no matter what happened tomorrow.
“You feel so good,” he whispered against my lips. His hips rocked gently against me, creating pleasant friction that burned through me. “Like you were made for me.”
I felt the tears coming and I closed my eyes, pushing up against him, desperate for him to move. I knew what he meant and it just made things harder. We did fit together perfectly. Some people say that all sex is the same, a woman's body adapting for whoever she happened to be with, but with Rylan, I understood the difference. It wasn't necessarily physical as it was everything else. The way he knew exactly what I needed. How my body responded to his. With other partners, it had been all about the physical sensations, pure chemistry and biology. Rylan could turn me on with a look, a word. He knew when I needed gentle and when I needed something rougher. I craved him like nothing else.
His thrusts were shallow, as if he were as reluctant to withdraw as I was to lose him. I moaned as his tongue traced patterns on my neck and collarbone. When he began to nip and suck on the skin there, I ran my hands down his back, nails lightly scratching at his skin. I was glad he was leaving a mark. At least for a short while, I'd have something tangible to remember tonight.