The thought made me remember what Rylan had said about how he'd worry about me driving in bad weather. I pushed the thought aside and turned my attention back to the notebook I kept in my bag. I was always it using to jot down ideas and coding. Now, I used it as a distraction. I reviewed the information I had written down, crossing out what didn't work or wasn't a viable idea. I made notes as I considered each concept, deciding what should be kept or thrown out. I usually did this every few weeks, but I'd been so preoccupied with everything that had gone on that it'd been months since I'd last gone through it. That was good since it gave me plenty to do. By the time I reached Denver, I was about three-quarters of the way through.
Picking things up went smoothly. Agent Matthews had it all laid out for me already. There were sheafs of paperwork for me to sign and initial, outlining my job description, compensation, benefits, termination policies and confidentiality agreements. Basically, most of the same stuff I'd been signing with most of my big clients, except with the power of the US government behind it. There was also a government-issued laptop with significantly less to offer than my own electronics. That was okay since I'd do most of my coding work on my own computer. Their laptop would be used to actually run the program. Finally, there was a folder with my first assignment outlined. I didn't linger, but I did take the time to thank Agent Matthews for all he'd done and renew my promise to think about moving. I'd seen that clause in my contract as well, the agreement to change things should I decide to move from being freelance to working on site.
I took my copies, the laptop and the file and headed back out to catch my bus back to my apartment. I put that work aside and finished up with my own notebook before going back to more thoroughly read everything I'd signed. I'd skimmed it all with the same practiced ease that I'd used on other clients' paperwork, but I wanted to go over each word. It wasn't because I thought Agent Matthews would screw me over, but rather because I wanted to make sure of the changes in my contract should I decide to change the nature of my relationship with the FBI.
When I arrived back at my apartment, I didn't get to work right away. I needed to put things away, unpack everything so that I didn't have a reminder of what I'd given up. It was harder than I'd anticipated. Putting each item back in its place was another reminder that I was here, alone. By the time I finished, the last thing I wanted to do was work, but it was better than the alternative. I'd slept enough over the past week. It was time to move on.
I sat on my couch, opened the new laptop and began the tediously mind-numbing process of setting up my passwords. I went through the programs, checking out each one to make sure they all worked properly and then sent off an email to Agent Matthews, assuring him that everything was in working order.
I shut down the computer and picked up the file. With a glance at the clock, I stretched out on the couch and began to read. I'd finish it off and then head to bed, hopefully too tired to think or dream.
The fist to the back of my head came as a surprise more than as pain. It didn't feel good, obviously, but I was pretty sure it had hurt the other person more than me. Judging by the swearing behind me, I was right. I turned around, my fist clenching around the strap of my book bag.
The boy cradling his hand had dark hair and a wide, unfriendly mouth. I thought his name was Edwin, but I'd only been here for a couple weeks and none of the kids were very friendly.
“Leave me alone,” I said firmly. I wasn't very big for a thirteen year-old or a girl, but I'd survived a hell of a lot worse than some teenage bully.
“You're a whore!” Edwin shouted, injured hand forgotten as he apparently remembered the reason for his attack. “My dad got arrested because of you!”
Shit.
Lily had come yesterday and told me that someone had leaked my name to the press and that she was going to figure out who it was. It had been six months since she'd rescued me and I'd finally been settled in a group home in a different school district from where I'd gone before. I'd thought I'd been safe. I should have known better.
“You ruined my family!” Edwin charged at me and I sidestepped, letting him run past while I took off in the opposite direction.
I didn't know who Edwin's father was, but I knew the police had spent the last few months arresting various people in the videos my mother had made. My only part in that had been testifying in front of a grand jury about the videos en masse, saying that they had been made without my consent, that I was underage at the time – still was, but that hadn't been the point – and that the men involved had known both. The only name I'd been able to give had been that of my 'doctor' and he'd been arrested not long after my statement had been taken. All I could figure was that Edwin's dad had been one of the men in the videos.
I wasn't about to try to explain to Edwin, however, that his dad was a child molester and rapist. Somehow, I doubted that would do any good.
I could hear Edwin behind me and, suddenly, my throat began to close up, my chest tighten until I was gasping for breath. The memory of the huntsman came over me and I stumbled. I felt my knees hit the ground with a jolt, my palms scraping across the cement. I was vaguely aware of my head hitting the sidewalk with a thud, but I couldn't see anything but the memory.
I heard Edwin catch up to me, felt him kicking and hitting. Felt a hand grabbing at my breast. I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was frozen, helpless, caught in a memory even worse than the violence being done to me now. I heard voices and Edwin was suddenly gone, but it didn't matter. I was trapped and I always would be. I couldn't run far or fast enough to get away.
I woke suddenly and it took a minute for me to remember where I was. I'd curled up into a ball at some point and my muscles were clenched and stiff. I winced as I stretched back out on the couch, knocking my file to the floor. I didn't pick it up yet, still processing my dream.
I hadn't thought of Edwin in a long time. He hadn't been the first or the last to bully me or call me names because of what had happened. Kids tended to be either overwhelmingly kind or overwhelmingly cruel. Unfortunately, most of my encounters had been with the latter. Edwin had, however, been the only one whose father I'd sent to jail. I'd pestered Lily until she'd revealed to me which one Edwin's dad had been and I didn't feel so bad anymore. He hadn't been the worst, but he'd certainly been bad enough.
I'd been pulled out of that school shortly after the incident because even though Edwin had been suspended for what he'd done, he'd be back and everyone had agreed that it'd be best if I wasn't there when it happened. I'd ended up with a concussion, three cracked ribs and more bruises than I'd been able to count, but I'd been the one who'd had to leave.
That had been the moment I'd truly understood that, even though I'd been the victim, there would always be those who'd blame me for what had happened. And that, no matter what anyone told me, a part of me would always blame myself.
I picked up the folder. I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep tonight. I supposed I might as well do something useful.
Chapter 10
I'd completely forgotten that Friday was Valentine's Day until I decided that I needed to burn off some excess energy on a run. The moment I stepped outside the apartment building, I'd been assaulted by the sight of pink balloons and red roses and those stupid heart-shaped boxes of candy. Couples were everywhere I looked. Strolling across the CSU campus. Holding hands as they waited at the bus stop. Kissing while they stood on the sidewalk.
I took my normal route through the Colorado State campus, grateful for the ever vigilant grounds crew who kept the sidewalks well-salted. Before I was halfway through, however, I realized that a run wasn't going to work. I needed to hit something.
I tried not to look at the flyers posted up all around campus. Valentine's Day dinners, parties, sales. A couple anti-Valentine's parties. Singles parties. It was pretty much pointless unless I spent the entire run staring at my tennis shoes, and that was a surefire way to run straight into someone or something. So I kept my head up and tried not to think about the fact that the man I wanted to be with today was most likely with someone else.
I tried to comfort myself by pretending that he could possibly just be out drinking with Zeke and would go home alone and drunk. I knew better though. Rylan was gorgeous and Zeke would try to encourage him to get over me as quickly as possible, which meant, drunk or not, Rylan's best friend would most likely be pushing him at any woman he could find. And if Rylan was hurt or indifferent, he might go through with it.
As I rounded back on my apartment, I made a decision and ran past my building. Energy wasn't the only thing I needed to burn off. Beneath all the hurt and pain I'd been dealing with was anger. I'd kept it there, bubbling below the surface, and all of this romantic shit going on had brought it to a boil. I needed to hit something before I snapped and took things out on a person.
Not surprisingly, the gym was fairly empty, a clear reminder that most people were out with their significant others tonight, but at least there weren't any decorations or flyers for romantic dates or singles' parties. I headed for the locker room and exchanged my sweats for a pair of shorts. When I came back out, the only person left was the owner, Roger, and he was sitting in his office, half-asleep from the looks of it.
I didn't bother with a warm-up. The run had been enough for that. I ignored the small bag and went straight for the big one, not bothering with finesse. I pummeled the bag, reveling in the stinging pain going through my knuckles. They'd be bruised tomorrow, most likely, but I didn't care. I wanted to feel something physical rather than this emotional shit I'd been dealing with.
Sweat poured down my face and I wiped it with my arm and kept going. I could feel my hair coming loose from my ponytail and the strands stuck to my forehead and cheeks. My muscles began to burn and I hit harder. I wanted to wear myself out tonight. I'd finished off the sleeping pills I'd bought and I didn't want to go back for more. I didn't want to rely on them anymore than I wanted to rely on a person. I'd beaten back the demons before and I'd do it again. And compared to everything else, what had happened with Rylan was nothing.
I winced as I hit the bag even harder and a shock of pain vibrated up my arm. No thinking about Rylan or anyone else. I had a new job and I was moving on.
By the time I finished and headed to the shower, I'd almost convinced myself. I had to change back into my sweats so showering was pointless, but I didn't want to go back out in the cold as I was, so I took the time to clean off, promising myself a long, hot bath and maybe some quality fantasy time to finish things off. That last one I wasn't too sure about because I definitely didn't want to risk Rylan creeping into my thoughts again, especially not then.
I debated whether or not to get a cab or head to the bus stop, but in the end, I decided to walk. It wasn't far and a cool down would probably be good. If I sat down right away, there was always the possibility of my muscles stiffening.
I walked at a leisurely pace, letting my mind wander, afraid that if I tried to focus on one thing, I'd be locked onto something I'd rather not think about. I made my way around the few people who were out and about, ignoring the fact that they were mostly couples. I was paying so little attention that I almost didn't hear someone call my name.
“Jenna!”
I sighed as I recognized the voice. I turned, a fake smile already in place. “Emmaline.”
“I'm surprised to see you.” She smiled at me, but the look in her turquoise eyes was anything but friendly. “I thought you'd moved.”
I blinked. Was that what Rylan had been telling people? “No, I'm still in Fort Collins. For now.” I added the last bit almost as an afterthought. I hadn't yet decided for sure if I was going to move or not, but I was sure I could count on Emmaline to make sure Rylan heard that I was thinking about it.
“Couldn't handle the pressure?” Her grin widened. “I can understand that. Not everyone's cut out to work at Archer Enterprises.”
“It was good seeing you, Emmaline,” I lied. “If you'll excuse me...” I made as if to step around her.
“Hot date tonight?” she asked. “Not as hot as mine, I'm sure, but not many guys are as hot as Rylan, wouldn't you agree?”
I stopped, my heart turning to ice. I didn't look at her, unsure if I could control my expression enough to keep her from seeing how much her words had cut me. Rylan had taken Emmaline out on Valentine's Day. I didn't want to believe it. Surely he couldn't have gotten over me that quickly. And even if he had, I didn't think he would've gone for Emmaline. He wasn't attracted to her...or was he? Had he been thinking about her when we'd been together...I gave myself a mental shake. I wasn't going to think that. My memories of my time with Rylan were all I had. I wasn't about to spoil them with speculation.
“Is that the real reason you left?” Emmaline asked, her voice full of venom. “Made a pass at the boss and he rejected you? Probably even dyed your hair because you thought it might make him see you as something other than a freak.”
I started to turn towards her, unsure of what I would say, but certain that she wouldn't like it. Before I could open my mouth, however, I heard a sharp intake of breath from my other side and knew who it was before I even looked that way.
Rylan stood in the doorway of a little restaurant. He held a purse in his hand and, as I watched, Emmaline walked over to him and took the purse. She shot me a smug look as she wrapped her arm around Rylan's. I saw him start to speak and knew I didn't want to hear what he had to say.
“Excuse me,” I muttered as I walked past them without a second glance at either of them. I felt sick to my stomach. This was what I'd wanted, I told myself, for him to move on. I'd just never thought he'd move on with her. It wasn't my business though. He was free to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted.