The Price of Butcher's Meat (18 page)

Teddy—& he said he hadnt been in

today—& I said—sort of fishing—it didnt surprise me—Ted didnt give the impression of being a dedicated pig man—which made him laugh. But he did say Ted does show up quite a lot—even if his main concern—not unnaturally—is to keep the pong down!

Ollie said he hardly noticed the smell now—though hed much rather the beasts were roaming loose like when he was a lad—instead of being penned inside—never seeing light of day. Says Hog Hollis would have been happy to be a trad farmer if the government—the EU—& the supermarkets—hadnt forced him to become a millionaire!

I asked if Hog had really been et by his own pigs.

—oh

yes—he said

cheerfully—made a lot of folk smile that—specially when they were having their breakfast bacon—sort of poetic—bit like “On Ilkla Moor Baht’at”—

—so what happened?—I asked.

—dont rightly know—must have been working late—went to check someT H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 1 2 3

thing in one of the units—had a stroke—or summat—collapsed in a feeding trough—owt in theres grub for the porkers—& theyre used to getting some pretty funny stuff to eat I tell you—so by time he were found next day—he were well chewed over—

I finished my tea—& said Id best be on my way to Denham Park.

He said—this were Denham land once tha knows. Makes no odds—farmer or squire—once you start selling rather than buying land—thats the beginning of the end. But no need to tell you that—being a Heywood!—

The government could save millions on electronic surveillance—if they just scattered a few hundred Yorkshire tykes around the world!

I sniffed & said—the Denhams must have been desperate to part with land so that Hog Hollis could build a pig farm on their doorstep—

—nay—he said grinning—werent exactly like that. Story is—way back when Daph Brereton were still Daph Brereton—big mucker of Sir Harry Denham—him being master of the hunt & her being such a keen rider—she made him an offer for this bit of land—letting on she were hoping to get planning permission for building houses on it. Now Sir Harry had tried to get permission himself—always strapped for cash the Denhams—& been turned down—so he reckoned this were just some daft female notion—& if she had spare cash to give away he might as well take it—so he let her have the land—at top agricultural price—even though it werent good for owt but a bit of rough grazing—& thought hed done a smart deal. Next thing he hears is that Daph

& Hog has wed—& Hogs planning to expand his pig farm onto his wifes bit of land!—

—but wouldnt they need planning permission for that?—I asked.

—no

problem—agricultural

development—plus more pigs meant more

jobs—& a bigger site meant more council tax—said Ollie—also Hog were well in with the planning chairman. So no bugger paid much attention when Sir Harry objected. Word is—he were threatening to take a horsewhip to Mrs Hollis next time she showed up at the hunt—

—instead—eventually he married her—I said—was that just to get her in whipping distance?—

—nay—thats another story altogether—he grinned—inviting me to prompt 1 2 4

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him for details. But time was moving on & Id had enough of talking about Lady D for one morning. More I heard about her—the less I liked her!

So I said I had to go but Id like to talk to him sometime about his experience of Miss Lees “cure”—& he said—Ill likely see you at the hog roast?—

I said—doubt it—though Ive been invited—sort of. You too?—

—Im in charge of the roast—he said proudly.

—gosh—I said—sounding impressed—cos he clearly reckoned it was an important job—so what will you do—stick it on a spit & turn a handle?—

—bit more to it than that—he said—Hog started it—after he made his pile & bought the hall & became Lord of the Hundred. Big annual event in the town—& I think it amused Hog to call it a hog roast. Tried a spit at first—but that were hard work with a full size porker. So Hog got his brother Hen to build a proper bit of machinery. Always good with his hands was Hen—not so good with figures & poultry—but. Any road—I used to help Hen with the hog roast gear right up to when Hog died. After that the annual roast died too—& I were real surprised when I heard there was going to be another—& real chuffed when I got asked if Id check the equipment out & take charge—

—I thought Hen was the expert?—

—oh shed not ask Hen—he laughed—theyve not exchanged 2 civil words since he challenged Hogs will—any road—Ive been odd jobbing around the hall for years—so I were on the spot—so to speak—

I said I looked forward to seeing him there—& took off to Denham Park.

Again—as on my first sighting—I was impressed by the magnificent situation of the house—perched high on its hill—grounds sweeping away eastward to the sea—& westward to the pig farm!

Up close it turned out to be even bigger than it looked on the horizon—but like an old movie star up close—the cracks showed. Past simple TLC—Id say—needs a complete makeover. Poor Teddy—cant sell it—& if he doesnt do something quick—I doubt if hell even be able to live in it!

Then I forgot all about him as I reached the front of the house.

The ancient RR was

there—with alongside it a bright red Maserati coupe!

Sidney Parker was here!

T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 1 2 5

Damn! I thought. Not that the prospect of seeing Sid again wasnt pleasant. But mightnt it give the wrong impression if he saw me dropping in on the hunky bart?—the wrong impression being we had something going.

In other words—yeah—I wanted to see them both—but not at the same time!

Thats the trouble with being a highly trained psychologist—youre always playing chess with other peoples thoughts!

I debated whether it might be best if I just headed off out of here. Then I heard this throaty roar behind me—& when I turned & saw Teddys mobike—the Beast—heading up the drive—I thought Id got it wrong—& it must be Ess that Sid was visiting—which made me think—damn!—again.

Hard to please—aint I?!

However when the Beast halted alongside me—& the black leathered figure removed the silvery helmet—I saw it wasnt Ted—but Esther!

I found myself wondering if this was the spare set of leathers Ted had promised to loan me—& was the Ice Queen wearing anything underneath them?!

She said—Miss Heywood—this is a surprise—are you expected?—

Making it sound as likely as the Second Coming.

I said—Teddy did say drop in—but I see hes got company—

—yes—so it appears—she said—glancing at the Maz. Id have put money on her next move being to imply that—in the circs—a well brought up person would make an excuse—& be on her way. But she surprised me by smiling suddenly—not a five hundred watt freindly smile—& with no resemblance at all to the incandescence I remembered lighting up her face when she was dirty dancing with her Emil—but definitely a smile.

Sliding elegantly off the bike—she said—but you must come in now youre here—Im sure theyd both be delighted to see you—

Sudden rush of noblesse oblige to the head—or what?

Why not? I thought—could be fun to see smooth Sid alongside the hunky bart—so I could compare & contrast—& allocate points on the old Heywood girls scale—remember? Out of 10 for Wealth, Wheels & Social Skills & out of 20 for Sex Appeal!

To tell truth—dont think I had a choice of stay or go. Tho Ess didnt actually 1 2 6

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touch me—I found myself steered through the doorway into what would have made a lovely baronial hall—could imagine Fairbanks or Flynn fighting his way down—or up—the broad staircase in one of mums old favorites—but there were no suits of armor in the corners—no marble busts in the niches—no rich tapestries on the walls—in fact nothing at all except pale squares showing where pictures had once hung—all of which fit what Id guessed from the fake Rolex business—that Teddy had been selling off the family goodies to keep body & soul together.

Ess flung open a couple of doors—giving me a brief glimpse into more rooms looking like theyd been stripped by marauding Vikings—& struck

lucky on the third.

Nothing much in here either—except a few ancient chairs & a sofa—on which Teddy & Sidney were sitting—heads close—talking earnestly.

They looked toward us. Ted jumped to his feet—fl ushing as he recognized me—the invitation hed tossed my way had clearly gone right out of his head!

Sid—by contrast—gave me a lovely smile—like I was the best thing hed seen all day.

—Charlotte—he said—how nice to see you again—so soon—

—Youve met then—said Teddy—sounding—I hoped!—a bit jealous.

—Of course—when I called to pay my respects to Tom. Hi Esther. Just what our dull masculine deliberations could do with—two rays of feminine brightness—

OK—flowery froth—but hes got style enough to get away with it.

I grinned back like an idiot—& gave him a straight 10 for Social Skills! (& it wasnt even his house!)—but at the same time I was wondering—what deliberations?—what are you two up to?

Ess had a look on her face that suggested she might have been wondering the same. All she said was—this is cozy—lets all sit down & have a cup of coffee—Im sure Miss Heywoods ready for one—

Something about the way she said that last phrase made me think she was taking the piss!

Ted said—oh sure—yes—fine—

T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 1 2 7

Ive heard more enthusiasm from dad when mum asks him to chat to the WI about diversification!

I thought—to hell with this! Im not staying where Im not wanted. In any case—Ess will probably expect me to make the coffee!

I said—thanks but not for me—just dropped by to say hello—now I need to get back—promised Id pick up Tom to take him to the Avalon meeting—

Not so much a lie as an adjustment of the truth—Ive written essays on the distinction!

Also—recalling Toms request that I didnt mention the meeting in front of Big Bum—I guessed the Denhams wouldnt know about it either.

OK—I should probably have kept quiet in front of them too—knowing the way they scratched if Lady D itched—but I couldnt resist giving Teddy a sharp prod to pay him back for forgetting me.

It worked like a dream.

Ted said—what meeting?—

I said—all surprise—sorry—was sure youd be going—its to tie up arrangements for the Festival of Health—you know—its marvelous of Dr Feldenhammer to be so receptive to new ideas—isnt it?—

Ess said—& what does it have to do with you exactly?—

I said—oh nothing—of course—Im just going for the lunch party afterward—

OK—I know—drinks & nibbles is hardly a lunch party—but I was seriously pissed with the Denhams!

I headed back into the hall.

Ess followed me out. I thought she was going to see me to the door—like a good hostess—but she just started up the staircase.

—Ill see myself out then—I said.

She didnt even pause—let alone reply—I might as well have been a parlor maid!—& I thought—Sod this!

I trilled—by the way Esther—did Teddy tell you?—I think we may have bumped into each other in Davos last Christmas—at the Bengel bar—you were dancing with a good looking local boy—Emil I think his name was—remember?—

Now she paused!

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Gotcha!—I thought.

Dont know what shed have said—but before she could speak—behind me—a telephone on a ledge beside the door rang.

—get that—would you?—said Esther.

& I found myself getting it—just like a good little parlor maid!

But blessed are the meek—for they shall get their own back!

I said—hello—Denham Park—

Lady Ds unmistakable voice said—who is that?—

—its Charley Heywood—Lady Denham—I said—looking up to see the Ice Queens reaction. Not much—but I reckon I caught a flicker beneath that chilly surface.

I could almost hear Lady D choking back—what the devil are you doing there?—

Instead she said—peremptorily—I would like to speak to my nephew—

If the Ice Queen hadnt been listening—I might have said—hes just getting dressed—

Instead I said—hes rather busy just now—a business meeting—with Sidney Parker—

That got a sharp intake of breath—which was then expelled—or rather exploded—very Lady Bracknell!—into—a business meeting!—

I began to feel sorry for Ted—not only caught entertaining a woman of ill repute—but also holding a secret meeting with Daphs financial adviser—

Ess was moving back down the stairs—but Ted came out of the drawing room before she could reach me. Feeling sorry for him didnt stop me holding out the phone—& saying—its your aunt—

He winced like the phone was hot—& I made a rapid exit—not bothering to glance up to see how far Esther had got.

As I reached the car—a voice called—Charley—

I turned—& my heart gave a little leap. Sid had come out to say cheerio.

He stood on the terrace—looking down at me & smiling—& I started feeling guilty. It was one thing dropping Ted in it—but I had no reason for wanting to get Sid in Big Bums bad books.

—sorry youve got to dash away—he said—our business shouldnt take T H E P R I C E O F B U T C H E R ’ S M E AT 1 2 9

much longer. In fact—if—as I gather—thats dear Daphne on the phone—Im sure our meeting will be brought to a close with some expedition—so if you did have time to stay another few minutes—Id love a chance to talk with you—

Whatever was going on—Sid wasnt letting anything ruffle his smooth exterior!

I was tempted. But never show

weakness—eh?—so I resisted—&

said—no—Ive really got to go—but Im sure youll be coming over to Kyoto sometime—wont you?—it would break Minnies heart if you didnt—

He fluttered his long silky eyelashes—could I get a transplant?!

—if the well being of a fair young maiden is in question—I must definitely come—though hell should bar the way—