"What are you, in the CIA or something? You're a spy, aren't you?"
"No. I'm not. You don't like spying?" Again she averted her eyes, an infuriating trick she practiced every time he threatened to pick up ground. "The Program is built on spying. You should see the file TD keeps on you. All your finances" -- she pushed her hands over her ears, so he raised his voice to an angry whisper -- "dating back months before you even became a Pro." She closed her eyes; her lips were moving. He grabbed her wrists and yanked her hands off her ears. Startled, she opened her eyes. "He's created an instruction manual for how to handle you. You know what it says to do if you try to leave? Tell you that outside The Program you'll get cancer."
She was weeping silently now. "Don't grab me."
He pulled his hands back. She started rocking and hugging herself. He flushed the toilet twice and rinsed his Nikes off in the sink. She followed him silently back down the hall, fell into bed, and lay with her back to the room. He sat beside her, resisting the parental urge to pet her back.
"I'm sorry I grabbed you."
"You don't have any right to handle me that way."
"Of course not. No one does."
"There are no files. I don't believe you."
"I held them in my hands, Leah. Yours and the Dead Link files for people who have left. Or tried to leave."
She sat up, back against the wall, studying him. "What do you want? From me?"
"When I leave tomorrow night, I'd like you to come with me to meet with your parents the way you tried to before. But this time I'll make sure it goes better."
She laughed quietly. "You're going through all this shit just to try to get me to do that again?"
"You'll have a chance to explain to them why this is right for you."
"Are you paying attention to anything that's going on? I have no need or obligation to explain myself to my parents. So they can kidnap me."
"I won't let that happen. You have my word that you can come back if you want to."
"Like I trust you. And besides, there's no way TD would let me go."
"So you don't believe TD when he says everyone is here by choice?"
"It's more complicated than that. There are reasons. He won't let me just go."
"Leave that up to me."
"It'll never work." She fisted her bangs hard. "You can't just leave the ranch."
"What do you mean? I'm not a Pro yet. And the retreat ends tomorrow."
Her eyes darted away. "TD wants you here. He wants all the initiates here, but you're special to him. He treats you differently, bends the rules for you." Her eyes flicked to the Cartier. "I've never seen him do that before."
"Then what's to say I can't get him to bend the rules again?"
"Even if he did let you leave, there's no way I could go."
"Pretend I could arrange it."
Leah stared at him, her mouth drawn tight.
"I told you, Leah, The Program is a one-way trip. And I know, now, that this is a dangerous place -- and not just psychologically. This might be your only shot to get out. If I can arrange it, will you go with me?"
She lowered her hands and glared at him. "No. I won't." She stared at the rain-flecked window. "I started this, I'm going to finish it. I'm fulfilled here."
A movement drew their attention to the window. Skate and the dogs, patrolling the far edge of Cottage Circle. Leah shivered inadvertently.
Tim studied her reaction. "Really?"
She made no response.
"Leah, has anyone ever left the ranch?"
Chapter
thirty-two
Leah had been too agitated to sleep. She'd risen with the sun and waited shivering outside Cottage Three. Finally the door banged open, and Stanley John exited briskly, adjusting his shirt, not even noting Leah's presence to the side of the front step. A few moments later Janie emerged, using her fingers to comb her hair back into place. "Hi, babe." She kissed Leah on the forehead. "Why up so early?"
"There's something I wanted to ask you."
"Sure thing."
Leah picked at one of the empty belt loops on her pants. "Has TD ever had any...problems with the law or anything?"
"All great leaders have been persecuted. Especially when they set forth a new doctrine. Think of Martin Luther King, Gandhi. Heck, think of Jesus."
"So that's a yes?" Leah had tried to keep her frustration out of her voice, but Janie's expression indicated she'd failed.
"Did your parents fill your head with this nonsense that time you went home? You were persecuted that night, remember? And now you're gonna buy into the lies your persecutors hurled at you." Janie shook her head. "Really, Leah, I thought you were beyond this."
A familiar sensation overtook her -- that she was shrinking away, not in size but distance. She felt perspective-small, a dot on a horizon.
Janie combed her fingers through her tangled hair. "I'd just hate to think..."
"What?"
"Well, thoughts like that are really malignant. I'd focus on the Source Code before your negative energy manifests physiologically and turns carcinogenic."
Leah felt anxiety clench her stomach -- Janie's response seemed straight from the secret file Tom had claimed to have found. But it also seemed right. The thoughts Tom had put into her head were diseased.
"Okay, Janie." Leah's voice was quiet, deadened. "I will."
The Pros sat in monklike silence, lined in neat rows before bowls of oatmeal. Tim cast a curious sideways glance at Leah, who'd been turning in her chair to look at the other tables.
She finished appraising the far corner of the cafeteria and leaned toward Tim. "Everyone's accounted for," she whispered, face flushed with relief and vindication. "There's no missing girl."
Stomachs grumbling, they awaited TD's arrival.
And here we have Tom Altman...." TD paced the lip of the stage, emceeing the festivities. "A big shot. Handsome, rich, successful."
To commemorate the retreat's last day, each initiate had to undergo a turn on Victim Row. Tim's stomach churned -- he was up to bat. His legs cramped from hours of sitting. Sweat pasted his T-shirt to the chair back. If he heard 2001 one more time, he thought he might start beating his own head like Rain Man. Shanna waited calmly in the chair to his right; to his left, Wendy sat trembling.
Skate looked on from the door, his hands resting on the erect heads of the attendant dogs. Tim raised his eyes to Randall in the back and thought about both men in the rain, body heat wisping from their shoulders, prodding the doomed girl before them. The way she'd clutched the shovel. The joke Randall had cracked just before they'd vanished into the trees.
TD placed his hands on Tim's shoulders. The lights dimmed, and the drum resumed its slow rumble.
A winning smile directed at Tim from up close. "But it seems you have a little problem performing." A scattering of giggles. "A little performance anxiety, Tom? Afraid you can't measure up to expectations?"
Leah's face, blanched and upset, stood out from the crowd. Tim wished he could convey to her that his chagrin was feigned.
"I think it's more than that," TD continued. "I think you felt impotent when your little Jenny was taken and killed."
Tim felt a distinct rise in his temperature.
"You neglected her. Where were you that day when she was walking home from school? Seeing to business? Counting your money? Socking away more in the bank account so you and the missus could maintain your lifestyle? What killed her? A psychopath? Or her parents' hideously yuppie self-involvement? You made her a victim, just like yourself, didn't you? If you'd done something differently that day, that week, you could have saved her life. She could still be your daughter. She could be waiting for you at home right now."
Having unearthed Croatian mass graves, having beheld through 8x50 binocs the public stoning of a raped Afghan twelve-year-old, having used both hands and a knee to hold together the shrapnel-shredded skull of a platoonmate, Tim noted with alarm his rising discomfort. The one benefit of his distress was that the surfeit of emotion was easy to channel into his performance. His face burned; sweat ran into his eyes. Though he willed himself to sit, in his mind he leapt from the chair, palmed TD's skull and his beckoning chin, and twisted through the crackling resistance. He bombarded himself with violent fantasies, mostly to fight off the image of Ginny. But the heat, hunger, and fatigue loosened his control, and his daughter's face drifted into focus. The haze of freckles across her nose. Her awkward, second-grade grin. The gap between her front teeth. The wisp of hair he'd freed from the corner of her mouth as she lay cold and inert on the coroner's slab.
He held his eyes on Leah. A tear beaded on his lower lid; a blink pushed it into a downward trickle. Leah matched it. And his next.
"Once she was dead, you thought money would get you past it. Money turned into power. You took action. You decided the rules didn't apply to you. You decided you were above the law. And now you're afraid of your power. So afraid you've gone soft with fear. What did you use your power for that has you so cowed?"
The four murderous weeks of last February came back to Tim in a rush of faces -- Jedediah Lane, Buzani Debuffier, Robert, Mitchell, Rayner.
Tim had completely left his body -- he saw TD's mouth moving soundlessly, the spread of faces before him, gleeful and vehement.
When he refocused, TD was saying, "The only way to eliminate that fear is to face it again. Are you ready to face it?"
"Yes." Tim's voice held a note of pleading he didn't recognize. "Yes."
"You need to use your power again and use it right."
"How?"
"Someone's family has been prying into our business. There's a danger that threatens us all, living right here among us." TD halted before Tim, eyes picking over him. "We won't risk betrayal. We won't stand for impostors."
The shift to menace, in the midst of Tim's disorientation, froze him in a perfect, breathless moment of panic.
His gaze steady on Tim, TD snapped his fingers and held out his hand, a doctor awaiting a scalpel. Skate crossed to the stage and lifted his shirt, revealing a handgun pressed into the sweaty flesh of his gut.
Tim snapped into absolute clarity. His breathing evened out; his heartbeat pulsed at his temples clear and steady like a metronome.
Skate plucked the weapon free and slapped it into TD's hand. Holding the gun limply before him, TD turned and walked back to Tim, his footsteps clacking in the silent auditorium. A Sig Sauer P245. With its compact frame and big caliber, it was a street-smart relative of the Spec Ops-issue P226 in Tim's gun safe.
Had he really put his life in the hands of a nineteen-year-old? Tim risked a glance at Leah; she looked horrified. He'd worry later about whether she'd sold him out; for now his concern was seizing the gun from TD. Six rounds in the mag, one in the pipe meant he could take TD and both Protectors and still have three bullets left to fend off the mob. If the dogs attacked, he'd shoot upward into their open mouths or offer them a shirt-wrapped forearm to gnash, getting in tight enough to press muzzle to fur so the gun would discharge noxious gases into them along with the lead.
TD reached out. Tim tensed, ready to strike him at the wrist and elbow. He could picture the arm bending, the gun driving up, the muzzle snugging beneath TD's chin for the discharge.
But the barrel was facing away.
Tim slid the proffered weapon from TD's hand.
"Shanna's folks, you see, are pretty influential people. They're sending investigators after her, calling police departments. We can't afford that. And we certainly can't afford to let her leave here knowing all our secrets."
Shanna's mouth hung open, her lower jaw edged forward.
"Tom, prove that your devotion to The Program is absolute." He grasped Shanna by both shoulders and gazed down at her paternally. "Let's see if you can do a job yourself instead of paying someone else to do it for you."
A hush settled over the crowd.
The kettledrum started up, slowly matched by stomping feet.
TD wouldn't commit so flagrant a crime after all his subtle machinations to avoid illegality. Tim gauged the weapon in his hand. It felt light, as if the magazine were empty, though he wouldn't bet Shanna's life on it.
Shanna was wheezing. She fell off her chair onto her knees.
Tim debated running a press-check, pulling back the slide to expose the bullet, but it required both hands and would surely give away his facility with weapons. He cast his mind back to sticky-eyed gunplay near Jelalabad, where his platoon had forged through a wind-induced brownout into dark tunnels. They'd learned to check if their Sigs were fire-ready by fingering the extractor. The sliver-wide leaf spring, which pulled spent cartridges out of the barrel, protruded ever so slightly when there was a round in the chamber. Walking over to Shanna, Tim moved his trigger finger up and ran it along the chamber portion of the barrel, past the ejection port. The extractor sat flush.
Shanna cowered before him, pale-faced.
The room rocked and thumped and hummed.