“There are healthy forms of showing emotion,” Dr. Warren says. “You could have talked to the counselors.”
I stare at her, wondering if she’s serious, if she doesn’t know the extremes the outside world has gone to in order to try to “protect” us. “Believe what you want,” I tell her. “But the handlers were looking for any excuse to flag us. All we could feel was the pressure of it.”
I turn away, thinking again about how relieved I was to see that James was okay. “That day he gave me a ride home. And then the next. It started to feel like the only time we were normal was when we were together. We would tuck ourselves away where we could cry and no one else could see us. As the weeks passed, we started to talk about other things. About leaving town again, just me and him. About being together forever.”
My chest swells as I remember our first time, how scared I was. We were camping, snuggling on a blanket next to the warm fire. I was so in love with him.
I close my eyes now and think about how James kissed my neck, his mouth hot. His hands gentle on my skin. Soon he
was kissing me passionately, seeming to want me more than ever before.
His knee moved between my legs, and I pulled his shirt over his head when he stopped, gasping for breath. “Wait,” he said. “We shouldn’t.”
His blue eyes were heavy lidded, filled with desire. Lust. I pulled him down and kissed him again, working at his belt, even when he told me again that we didn’t have to. He’d brought protection, which showed me he’d at least considered it could happen. And we used it, just like we always would after.
I open my eyes and see Dr. Warren waiting for the story. I wish I didn’t have to tell her anything, but I just can’t stop. I hate that I can’t stop because I know what it means. She’s going to steal this moment away from me, and the thought is unbearable.
“The night James and I first had sex,” I say, “it wasn’t about our hormones. It was desperate, sad, even a little painful. And then it was beautiful and hopeful. It was a promise we made to each other, that we would protect each other. Take care of each other.
“James told me he loved me, and that he would never let anything happen to me. I promised the same—” I choke on my words. “But I lied. I didn’t protect him. I tried so hard, but I wasn’t strong enough. They came and they took him. And now he doesn’t love me anymore.”
I cover my face and start sobbing, realizing how much it hurts to be alive. How I don’t want to live with the loss. “I have nothing,” I say through my hands. “I’m all alone now.”
“You’re not,” Dr. Warren asks. “I’m not saying James is a bad guy. Neither is Brady or Miller or Lacey. But they’re the reason you’re really here. They were infected, Sloane. They infected you. And now you have to get better. Just like a cancer, we have to cut out what’s making you sick.”
I look at her, still hating her, but with the pain raging in my chest, maybe a little less so.
“Here.” She offers the yellow pill. “Take it. Empower yourself, sweetheart. It’ll make everything right.”
I consider her offer. Then I think of Roger’s disgusting mouth on mine. I think of how his purple pill will let me hold on to some of my memories. So instead I look at Dr. Warren and say, “Go to hell.”
And then someone grabs me, and I feel a pinch in my arm.
“SLOANE,” A VOICE WHISPERS
.
My eyes flip open, and I start to scream as I see a figure next to my bed.
“Shh . . . shh . . . ,” Realm says, quickly putting his finger to his lips. He shoots a cautious look at the door, and I force myself to quiet down.
“You scared the hell out of me,” I whisper, and then lean closer so that I can see him better in the dim room. The only light comes from the moon outside the sealed window. I pause when he comes into focus. “Your eye.”
Realm has a black eye that looks like it might still hurt.
“It’s fine,” he says, waving me off. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Didn’t mean to leave so abruptly.” He grins, but he’s checking me over, making sure I’m all right.
“It was very rude,” I offer. Then I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck. He chuckles and holds me gently, almost like he’s embarrassed that we’re in an embrace. “I was so lonely,” I say.
Realm reaches to smooth back my hair. “Sloane . . .” He pauses. “No one hurt you, did they?” His voice is filled with concern, and I think he’s talking about Roger, but I can’t tell him about the pill. About the kiss.
“No,” I lie. “I just didn’t think you were coming back.” I slowly release him and lie back down in my bed, glad he’s here.
“You should sleep,” Realm whispers. “Meet you for breakfast?”
I nod, smiling. “Maybe they’ll have waffles.”
He laughs. “If not, I’ll find you some.”
I curl up on my side as he fixes my blankets. “You probably would.” I watch as he leaves, quietly closing the door behind him. Seeing him again is like a huge weight lifted off my chest. Even though I know I was upset earlier, I can’t remember why. I’m just glad my friend is back.
• • •
The next morning. Realm is waiting at my table, looking fresh in a pair of new lemon-yellow scrubs. His hair is still wet and brushed back, making him look younger somehow. Paired with his black eye, it’s almost adorable.
“It’s not waffles,” he says, as if expecting me to be disappointed. “But I filled out a suggestion card, so hopefully tomorrow.”
I laugh and sit next to him, not bothering to get my food yet. “Did you get that shiner from the handler?” I ask, leaning
to look at it. Realm watches me as I examine him, a sad expression on his face.
“Roger got an elbow in,” he says quietly. “But I nearly choked him to death, so it’s about even.”
I tense and turn away, wishing I hadn’t let Roger touch me, but knowing that I got to keep a piece of myself in return. Or at least I hope.
“What?” Realm asks.
“Nothing,” I murmur. “I’m just hungry.” I get up and walk to the food line.
• • •
I’m at the end of my third week, and I continue to refuse my pills. I almost wish I didn’t know what the medication did to me so I wouldn’t have to have this battle every day. But I do know. And I want to fight.
After a therapy session and a fresh injection, I’m halfway back to my room when he walks into the hall.
“Hello, Sloane,” Roger says. “Sorry I haven’t been around. Been spending a lot of time at your new school.”
At the sound of his voice, goose bumps raise on my arms. “Leave me alone,” I say, my words slightly slurred.
“Don’t you want you know why?”
I turn to look at him as his dark hair falls over his eyes. “No.”
“Does the name James Murphy sound familiar?” he asks.
I gasp and stop walking, steadying myself on the wall. James is my boyfriend, or at least he was until he went into The Program.
He’d been friends with Miller—and before that . . . What? Who was James before that?
I press the heel of my hand against my forehead. I can’t remember.
“Seems James is being difficult. No wonder you two were together for so long. You’re a couple of troublemakers.” Roger laughs, and I want to lunge at him and scratch out his eyes.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
Roger nods. “He’s fine. Just a pain in the ass. He’s always testing his handlers, slipping away. He’s lucky he’ll be eighteen soon, otherwise he might end up back here.”
James is okay
. I smile and lean against the wall.
“You know, Sloane,” Roger whispers, walking to stand close to me. “After another session or two, James will be gone from your memory altogether.”
“Shut up,” I say, squeezing my eyes closed when his fingers brush my bare arm.
“I told you the price and I think it’s fair. What do you say?” He leans closer, his peppermint breath on my ear. His finger glides up my arm and onto my shirt, grazing the side of my breast.
The room is tilting from my medication, but I’m trying to hold on. I don’t want to be this vulnerable around him. I don’t want his disgusting hands on me. “No,” I snarl.
“Hmm . . . ,” he says, and loops his arm around my waist, putting my head against his shoulder. “Maybe I should help you to your room.”
I try to pull away and nearly fall when I hear a shout from down the hall. “Hey, Rog,” Realm says, his hands in the pockets of his yellow scrubs. “Looks like you might need some help.”
Instead of responding, Roger lays me down on the floor, backing away. “Wasn’t doing anything wrong, Michael,” he responds.
“Is that right?” Realm calls, walking toward us. The coolness of the white tiles feels good against my cheek. Realm’s image is sideways as he approaches. “Weren’t doing anything wrong with any of the other girls, either?” Realm asks. “What would Dr. Warren say?” Realm’s features are clouded as he comes to stand over me. I reach to touch the hem of his pants, fisting the fabric as I try to pull myself up.
“You keep a secret and I will too,” Roger says, his eyes narrowed to slits as he backs down the hall.
Realm takes my hand and gently tugs me to my feet. “Sloane, can you walk?” he asks.
I try to say yes as I lean into him, but I can’t seem to get my balance. Realm bends and then slips his arms under my knees and scoops me up, my head against his chest. He starts toward my room as Roger gets as far against the wall as he can.
“This isn’t over,” Realm says to him before kicking open my door. I can feel his body tense around me, and I wonder what Roger would have done to me if Realm hadn’t shown up. But I push the thought away, clinging to Realm as he lays me in my bed. I ask him to stay, not letting go of his shirt until his arms are around me. Then I drift, unconscious.
• • •
When it’s time for dinner, Realm and I don’t talk about what happened. At least not at first. He helps me get my food even as Derek and Shep break his balls, saying he’s whipped. I’m trembling, alternating between hot and cold flashes like a bad reaction to the medication.
“Can I sit with you?” Tabitha asks, poised at the end of our table. The guys laugh, but Realm moves over.
“Of course, Tabby.”
I smile at him, thinking he’s kind. He’s smart. He reminds me of James in a way, always knowing how to make me feel better. James makes me laugh too, although I can’t remember the last time we did that.
“Here,” Realm says, putting a piece of corn bread on my tray. “You need to eat, Sloane. You’re wasting away.”
“Maybe I want to waste away.”
“Don’t say things like that in here,” he whispers fiercely. “You’ll get flagged again.”
I nod, feeling bad for upsetting him, and I take his hand under the table. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself,” I say quietly. “My memories . . . I don’t have many left.”
Realm squeezes my hand and doesn’t let go. He looks at me like he understands, and then we go back to our dinner, listening as the others talk. I nod when Derek tells us that he’s going to move out of the country once he’s eighteen.
I’m grateful Realm is holding on to me. It doesn’t feel romantic. It feels like a lifeline.
AFTER A SPIRITED GAME OF CARDS, REALM AND I
retreat to the couch to watch a movie with a few others. I’m curled up next to him, and no one says anything: no nurses tell us to move apart. We can do what we want and it’s nice. It’s the first time in a long while that I feel in control.
When Nurse Kell comes in and tells us all it’s time to return to our rooms, Realm pulls me in the other direction instead. “Wanna come hang out in my room?” he asks, motioning down the hall. I shrug, holding on to his arm as we walk.
Opening his door, he allows me to go in first, and then he checks the hallway before closing it behind us. “It’s fun to sneak around, isn’t it?” he asks.
“It is. And I thought nothing could beat being constantly medicated.” I laugh, but a serious expression comes over Realm’s
face. He goes to sit on his bed as I sit in the chair facing him. I start to fidget, knowing he wants to talk about Roger.
“Sloane, I have to ask. . . . Did he rape you?”
“What?” I look up, startled. “No.”
“Then what happened?” Realm swallows hard and I know there’s no use in denying it altogether.
“He offered a trade.”
“Oh, God.”
“It was for a kiss. Some . . . touching, but I kneed him really hard when that happened. It was just a kiss.” I feel sick thinking about it, and lower my head, not wanting Realm to see my face.
“And in return?”
“He gave me a pill. Said it would let me hold on to a memory.”
Realm swears under his breath, rubbing roughly at his face. “I’m going to kill him,” he says, mostly to himself. “I told him to leave you alone.”
“He’s done it to others, hasn’t he?” I ask.
Realm nods, and then looks over at me, pained. “I think maybe it’s been going on for a while.”
I cringe thinking about girls here having sex with that freak, and I can’t believe I ever let him touch me. I just wanted to keep my life. Keep myself. I feel violated and stupid, and I wrap my arms around myself as I sit back in the chair.
“It doesn’t work, you know,” Realm says. “The pill to block. With the memory out of context, it’ll never come back or make sense. You shouldn’t take it.”
I flinch as if I’ve been slapped. I’d let Roger touch me, and now I wasn’t getting what I was promised. It was for nothing. I did it for nothing.
“It doesn’t work?” I ask, my voice strained. Realm shakes his head. My world practically crumbles around me. My only hope is gone. I’d pinned everything on keeping the memories. I’m truly lost.
“You should give the pill to me,” he says.
“I can’t,” I say quietly. “I already took it.”
Realm’s face flares with anger. “You idiot,” he says. “You could have been killed.”
Stunned, I lower my eyes, Realm’s harsh words stinging. I move to get up but he reaches quickly for my hand.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean that. Please don’t go. I’m just frustrated, Sloane.” He stops talking, and when I finally look up again, he exhales. “Sorry,” he repeats, sliding his fingers from mine. “Let’s just change the subject, okay?”
I don’t have anywhere else to go, so I sit back down. “Whatever,” I say. Realm is always so accepting of The Program, so ready to let them take his past. But that’s not me. I don’t want to change.