The Promise of Rain (18 page)

Anna was relieved to get some time away from Jack, but being with his mom after the way he’d touched her hand in the car felt uncomfortable. His mother had softened and had even insisted on being called Nina, but still. Anna wasn’t a part of any of this. She couldn’t even let her mind go in that direction. She knew life. She knew Jack. She knew impossibilities and disappointment. But the touch of his hand, the sincerity of his thanks, had caught her off guard.

Anna rubbed her upper arms as she took in the framed family photos clustered on the built-in shelves flanking Zoe’s fireplace. With everyone connecting with Ben, Anna felt like an intruder. Plus, as confused as she felt, she didn’t want to get cornered by Nina, as she had her first night here. Looking at photos—and they were all so beautiful, every face full of joy—gave her some semblance of a reason to be in the room. Family-crashing.

“Anna,” Mrs. Harper whispered over her shoulder. “Why don’t we take Pippa to the swings out back?”

“Of course,” she said. She waited for Pippa to wave bye-bye to her new uncle, then led her out of the room. Anna didn’t know why, but she felt a little embarrassed being here.

They followed Mrs. Harper into the kitchen, where she poured some cheese-flavored crackers into a plastic container for Pippa, grabbed a plate of chocolate chip cookies and motioned toward the screen door.

“How about we sit on the deck. Pippa can have fun on the play set,” she suggested. They both looked back at the living room, the sound of Ben’s voice carrying to them.

Anna opened the screen door and followed Mrs. Harper outside in order to give Zoe and Ben some alone time. Pippa ignored the crackers and ran straight for the play set near the edge of the fenced yard. The structure was small enough to be safe for little ones, and she had no problem climbing the ladder for the slide.
Little monkey.
Anna hoped it wouldn’t give her any stunt ideas back at camp. Pippa would graduate from imitating animal calls, and start climbing trees like Ambosi. And acacia trees had thorns.

It was a little cooler this evening. Anna sat on the top step and wrapped her arms around her knees. She’d forgotten how much she loved having four seasons. Early fall, with its crisp air, warm colors and harvest-themed gatherings, had always been her favorite time of year. It held the promise of Thanksgiving, one of the few meals of the year where both her parents would be present. It was the only time her family appeared to be traditional...together.

The rest of the holidays would inevitably go downhill. Too much of a reminder. Too much of a trigger for her mom. And any other time of year, they ate on their own, whenever it suited their schedules. Sure, Anna shared many meals with her mom, but most of the time she wandered alone into their empty kitchen, grabbed a snack and left. Here at Zoe’s, every meal seemed to be a family event. Zoe’s kitchen—and even Mrs. Harper’s, as Anna recalled from the few times she’d stopped over to study with Jack during their school days—was modest, but always smelled wonderful and was always full of family.

Anna took in a slow, deep breath through her nose and closed her eyes.
You could never be like one of them. You could never make your life like this, because it isn’t what you know. It’s not you. You would never be able to hold everyone together, and breakups hurt everyone. But what about Pippa? What if this life became her model? Could she grow up normally? Be happy?

Anna opened her eyes at the sound of Pippa yelling, “Run, run, run!” as she circled the playground over and over. Zoe had found an old sweater of Maddie’s in one of the boxes and given it to Pippa. She would have a whole wardrobe of Maddie’s hand-me-downs if she lived here. Pippa was definitely starting to act more at home now, especially after visiting the wildlife park. That had been so thoughtful and considerate of Jack. He was paying attention to his daughter.

Mrs. Harper sighed and Anna looked at her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you. It’s just been a long day and this is all so beautiful. The yard, the weather. It’s dreamy,” Anna said.

“I love it here. There’s something about September that makes me want to cook and bake nonstop. And being close to my grandkids is such a joy.”

Anna smiled and linked her fingers together. She glanced at Pippa playing. The missing grandchild.

“Oh, I didn’t mean that as a jab,” Mrs. Harper quickly added. “I mean, it would be so perfect if Pippa were nearby, too, but—”

“Don’t worry. I didn’t take it the wrong way. I’m sure Maddie and Chad love having their grandparents around. And Zoe...I’m sure it’s such a help for her. Especially with Ben gone so much.”

“We help when we can. That’s what family is for, after all. Good friends are priceless, too.”

Anna nodded, grateful for the acknowledgment that her friends in Kenya were indeed invaluable. She wouldn’t have survived without them.

“Look, Anna. I promise I won’t pry anymore, and I’m sorry about that first night when I came on strong. I let mama bear take over and wasn’t thinking about your feelings. That was terrible of me. I’m also sorry about tweeting and telling your mother when she called the other morning,” Nina said. “I was so excited that I didn’t think, and she never connects with me online or anywhere, so she wasn’t on my mind when I sent out the message.”

“It’s okay. It all turned out for the best. And I completely understand the mama bear thing, although I have to admit I’ve gotten in the habit of switching the expression to mama elephant. They are highly protective.” Anna grinned.

“Still, I’m sorry,” Nina said.

“No, you didn’t know, and don’t be sorry. If anyone owes apologies to everyone, it’s me. Especially to Jack.”

Seeing Ben talking to his family over a monitor had twisted Anna’s heart. He wasn’t always around for them, but he was gone because he was trying to follow his calling, do right by all and give his family a better life. He missed out on so much as his kids grew. So many milestones. For all his sacrifices, he deserved more. And Zoe... She was phenomenal, always positive and upbeat. If she ever felt down, she didn’t show it—at least not in the time Anna had spent with her. And Anna suspected she held it together for Ben’s sake and for their kids.

That was love. Zoe and Ben’s love was strong enough to survive his deployment. Marriage needed that. Jack had never loved her that way. Anna had been nothing but a familiar comfort to him. He didn’t know the difference.

She did. She’d seen love and the lack of it. It’s what had been missing between her parents and why their marriage didn’t make it. It’s why her mom couldn’t let go of the past...and why Anna had needed so badly to protect her from more pain.

Her mom had trusted her to watch over her baby brother. If her mom had found out about Pippa, and grown attached to her, she’d have become paranoid about Anna raising her so far away and under strange circumstances. Her mom would have lost it. She was fragile as it was. Noncompliant with therapy and meds, and Anna wouldn’t have been around to make sure she was okay. No one, Jack included, could have comprehended the fear, guilt and doubt that had plagued Anna when she found out she was pregnant. Those first months after Pippa’s birth... Bless Niara for having been there, consoling and reassuring her that she was a good, caring mother.

Deep down, there was a niggling need to prove that she could protect a baby, that she could give life and save a life. She was so sorry now for Jack having missed out on so much with his child, but she hadn’t had a choice. He would have taken Pippa. He’d have gone out of his way to disrupt the family and the life she’d built—her sanctuary where, for once, life made sense.

“Life’s scary, isn’t it? There are never any guarantees, but there are so many possibilities. Trust me. You don’t get to my age without learning a thing or two about life. Have a cookie,” Mrs. Harper said.

A cookie—with a glass of advice. Anna took a cookie and waited.

“You know, when Jack first came to live with us, he barely spoke for several months. So glum and withdrawn. He would sit on his bed, reading for hours on end. Loved science and how-to books. I’d been told that he might use fantasy or fiction as an escape, but I think the nonfiction books made him feel in control. Made him feel like he understood or had a grasp of something concrete, since he hadn’t had control of his life before.

“Anyway, I digress. My point is that it didn’t matter how I decorated his room, how many new clothes he got or how much praise we gave, he’d simply thank us and clam up. I saw so much in that boy’s eyes, in his face, that it killed me not to be able to break through, to see him let his guard down and embrace life. It was almost a year before he gave me a sign. It was a Valentine’s card made just for me. Not the ones every kid makes at school, but one he’d come up with on his own, in his room. I still have it. You know what it said?”

Anna shook her head in spite of the rhetorical question.

“‘You’re more important to me than all the genetic material on earth,’” Mrs. Harper quoted.

Anna broke into laughter, the kind that released with an unraveling of nerves, and Mrs. Harper joined her. Pippa looked at them and clapped, thinking all the commotion was for her successful turn at the slide. Anna waved.

Mrs. Harper was right. Jack had always been such a bookworm. Even as a kid, he loved reading. Books had always been a big deal to him, especially science books. In fact, he’d always had a book with him whenever they hung out.

“That’s so like him.” Anna laughed. “I guarantee, he won’t live that down.”

“Don’t tell him I told you.”

“Fine. I won’t. But I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep a straight face when he gets back,” Anna said. They both laughed, and this time Pippa ran up and barreled into Anna’s knees.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“Nothing, sweetie,” Anna said. “Go back and slide some more. I’m watching.” Pippa ran off to perform.

“I guess I’m trying to say that not everyone shows love the same way,” Mrs. Harper said, then softened her voice. “And I don’t want to see Jack hurt. Not again.”

Anna was saved from commenting. Maddie opened the screen door and helped her little brother crawl backward down the steps into the yard. It would be interesting to see how well Pippa did at taking turns now that she didn’t have the play set to herself.

Zoe followed them out and plopped down next to Anna. “He is so-o-o excited,” she gushed. “He can’t wait to hear if it’s a boy or a girl.”

“It won’t be long,” her mom said. “I’ll come with you to the appointment if you want.”

“Of course I want you to, but I just wish he was going to be here for the ultrasound,” Zoe said. She cradled her cheeks in her hands, with her elbows on her thighs.

“But at least he’ll be here full-time before the baby turns one,” Mrs. Harper pointed out. Well, that was good news Anna hadn’t known. All three women looked at the kids.

It was the first time Zoe had sounded sad. Anna thought about her pregnancy in Kenya. Until she’d met Niara, she had no one to share it with. Still, when it came to hearing heartbeats and seeing ultrasounds—and hearing Pippa’s first cry—she’d been alone. And scared to death.

Zoe was married and surrounded by family, yet the one person she wanted to share those moments with was on the other side of the world. Anna hadn’t expected to feel so connected to Zoe. Their lives were so different, yet their pregnancy experiences were parallel. Zoe didn’t have a choice. Anna had, but still, she wished Jack had been there. She wished he’d shared those moments with her. She wished she’d known at the time how much he would have sincerely cared about his baby girl. She didn’t doubt that now, but she also didn’t doubt that there would have been issues with her working in Kenya and him working here. Same issues as the present.

Chad tripped and fell into the grass.

“I’ll get him,” Mrs. Harper said, waving at Zoe to stay where she was.

“Thanks, Mom.” Zoe leaned back. “I don’t know how you do it,” Zoe said, once Nina was out of earshot.

“Me?” Anna asked. Zoe was the Wonder Woman.

“Yes, you. Getting through pregnancy and delivery, then raising a baby, all in the wilds of Africa. I don’t know what I’d do without the convenience of magic diaper bins or a dishwasher, or anything, for that matter.”

“I had a dedicated, giant pot for boiling cloth diapers, and no, it wasn’t a fun task, but it beats elephant funk.”

Zoe wrinkled her nose. “Like I said, I’m in awe.”

“You’re the one who’s the perfect mom. You handle everything so well...on your own, too.”

“Well, that’s something I know you can empathize with,” Zoe said. “Even with family or friends around, it’s not the same. They’re not there at two in the morning and again at four. And heaven forbid one of the other kids wakes up in between or gets sick. I’m convinced I keep the coffee industry alive.”

“That makes two of us,” Anna said.

“I’m so tired, though. So tired. And here I am complaining when you...you’re like Jane Goodall or Dian Fossey.”

“Only I work with pachyderms, not primates.” Anna grinned and Zoe chuckled.

“Point taken, but still.”

“Trust me, Zoe. Life here is more complicated in a lot of ways. You’re doing an amazing job.”

They watched the kids chasing their grandmother while she pretended she couldn’t outrun them.

“I can’t do this,” Jack’s sister suddenly blubbered. She dropped her face into her lap.

“Oh, Zoe. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

She shook her head. “No, it isn’t you.” Zoe’s voice came out muffled.

Anna put her hand on her back. She wasn’t sure what to say. The last thing she expected was for Zoe to admit she couldn’t handle things. She seemed to have a routine down and then some. Maybe this required a mother–daughter moment. Anna glanced at Mrs. Harper, who was oblivious to what was going on, and then back to Zoe. “Are you okay?”

Zoe looked up and wiped her face on the hem of her shirt. “I’ll be okay. Let’s blame it on hormones. That and seeing Ben. Hearing his voice. It gets me every time.”

Anna put her arm around Zoe and gave her a squeeze. She remembered the hormones, all right. She remembered hearing Jack’s voice in her head, seeing his face when her eyes closed...and feeling uncertain about everything. She also remembered that sometimes words weren’t as necessary as the simple reassurance that someone understood. That someone appreciated what you were going through.