The Promised World (36 page)

Daddy had showed him how the window latches worked, but now that he had to do it, he wasn’t sure he remembered. He tried pushing and pulling and squeezing until his fingers hurt. Then he sat on the bed for a while, crying and being mad at himself. Then he tried the door again and the window again and the window in the bathroom, which had the same kind of latches and didn’t work, either. He was crying loud now ‘cause he was starting to feel like maybe he would never get out of here and he’d die and be a ghost like Hansel. Then there’d be nobody to help Pearl and New Grandma would flatten her for good. After a while, he was crying so hard he couldn’t even call for Mommy or Daddy anymore ‘cause his breathing was all messed up like a goldfish that jumped out of the tank. And that’s when the door just opened, like magic. Except it was better than magic ‘cause it was Aunt Lila and she was so nice to him; she picked him up and carried him around almost like she wasn’t Aunt Lila anymore but Daddy. He thought about them being twins and that made him feel less embarrassed that he was acting like a baby in front of her. When Aunt Lila told New Grandma it was wrong to lock him in no matter what he’d done, he was like, Ha, ha, ha, you old Wicked Witch of the West. The Good Witch is here and everything will be okay.

And now they were going home to Mommy and he was so happy he skipped down the hall and opened Pearl’s door. She was sitting up really straight on the edge of the bed. Her hands were in her lap, and all of her was real still, like she was getting her picture taken.

He told her the good news and she didn’t smile or move. So he came closer until he was right in front of her and told her again. When she still didn’t move, he said, “Pearl, you got to listen to me!”

“I heard.” She was staring so hard at something that he looked to see what it was, but there was nothing but the blank wall.

He figured maybe she didn’t believe New Grandma would really let them go. Or maybe the flat pancake thing would take a while to go away. But then she said, “I don’t know what to believe anymore. Aunt Lila seems gentle, you know? Like Dad.”

“Yeah.” Even Aunt Lila’s big eyes weren’t weird to him now, just kinda sad. But he was confused why his sister was saying this. Then he thought maybe it was the bad stuff with the pills that had happened at Aunt Lila’s house. He sat on the bed next to Pearl. “I’m glad she didn’t die.”

His sister was quiet for a minute. “Sometimes I want to die.”

He cleared his throat like a hundred times; then he said, “‘Cause of Daddy?”

“Remember how he used to tell us all the time that the world is beautiful? He’d say stuff like, ‘God is in every tree, every flower, every child, every kiss, every heartbreak.’ But you know what’s strange? Dad hated himself. It was like he believed all of the world was beautiful except him.”

William was still trying to figure out what she meant when she stood up and said, “I guess Aunt Lila is waiting.”

“You going to pack now?” he said.

She nodded. “Go get your stuff.”

He was about to run off when he thought of Daddy saying everyone needs encouragement. He looked at Pearl. “I’m glad you’re my sister.”

“I love you, buddy. Remember that.” Her voice was so weird, like she was floating in the sky, so far away. “I’m sorry. Now go on and pack up your duffel bag.”

“You didn’t do nothing,” he mumbled, but he turned and walked down the hall.

When he got to his room, he started shoving his toys and clothes into the duffel bag. He didn’t care if all his clothes were wrinkled; he just wanted to get out of here quick. But when he had almost everything packed up, he saw the toolbox and remembered his big problem.

He knew he couldn’t just leave Daddy’s gun. Even if he didn’t need it anymore, ‘cause Kyle was gone, he had to keep it with him. Daddy said to never, ever let anybody get their hands on it. “You would never shoot anyone unless you had to, to protect your family. Other people aren’t as trustworthy.”

But he was so scared to go to the tree house at night. His tic was going nuts just thinking about walking into that spooky forest.

He put on his jacket with the hood and tiptoed past Pearl’s room before heading down the back stairs that they never used ‘cause they led nowhere, just to the laundry room and the door to the walkway behind the garage. He forced himself to open that door and walk into the backyard. It wasn’t too bad at first, ‘cause he could still see the lights from the house. But when he got to the hill, the wind was howling and shaking the trees, and the moon was making monster shadows on the ground. He was so cold and he kept feeling like some bear was creeping up behind him, ready to eat him alive, so he took off running, and he ran and ran, deeper into the forest. He didn’t stop when his side started hurting, and when he tripped on a dead branch, he jumped right up and kept going. A few times he was worried he was getting lost, but then he’d see something familiar, lit up by the moon, and he knew he was on the right path, the way he always went to the tree house. Finally, when he was panting and out of breath and even his glasses were steamed up, he made it.

He felt sort of proud as he started climbing the steps. He was
really scared, but he’d done it anyway, and Daddy said that was the meaning of brave.

When he got to the top, he felt a little bad, thinking he’d never be in a cool tree house like this again. But it was still too dark and spooky to rest, so he rushed to the corner and moved all the boards from the place he’d hidden the gun.

It took him a long time to accept that it wasn’t there. He got a zillion splinters, feeling all around the corner and the whole tree house floor. While he was doing this, he was talking to himself about how dumb it was to put the gun here, where anybody could find it. Maybe some person who didn’t understand, like he did, that shooting a person wasn’t like in cartoons. Shooting a person was the worst thing in the whole world, ‘cause then their family would cry and miss them and worry all the time that they might forget what their daddy was like.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

L
ila wished she could get closer to her niece, but Pearl had already told her not to move. They were still in the room with the wall of books; she was sitting on the same beige love seat where she’d held William in her lap, and her mother was sitting in the leather wing chair. At least her mother had sat down when Pearl had walked in threatening to kill herself if they didn’t tell her the truth. She’d made some cruel quip about her granddaughter having a flair for drama, but she hadn’t walked away and for that Lila was grateful. Because Pearl was serious, Lila had no doubt. Her niece sounded utterly despondent, as if she’d already made up her mind how this would end. And even if she wouldn’t feel this way tomorrow or an hour from now, it didn’t matter. The gun she was holding against her temple meant a decision of the moment could never be erased.

Had her mother really been so reckless as to leave a gun lying around with children in the house? And where was William? Pearl had said he went outside, but nothing about when or why. Lila worried about him wandering around in the dark, especially on a chilly night like this, though she was glad he wasn’t here to see what was happening with his sister.

She was standing over by the fireplace; the gun was in her right hand and her left hand was outstretched as though she was imploring them. “All I want is the truth. Maybe you’re right,” she said, nodding at her grandmother. “Maybe I didn’t know my dad, but I tried to. I tried as hard as I could, but I failed.”

Lila couldn’t fathom why her mother would’ve told this grieving girl that she hadn’t known her father, but she told Pearl it wasn’t true. “Honey, listen to me. You lived with him for fifteen years. She hasn’t even seen him since he was a teenager. You know a lot more—”

“No more lies! I saw the pictures myself. She showed them to me. He was visiting her while he was telling me she was dead.”

“Your aunt isn’t lying, Pearl. Billy kept his visits from her, as well.” Her mother’s smile was barely perceptible, but Lila noticed it and shuddered. “I think he was afraid she wouldn’t approve.”

Lila felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, but she refused to feel what this meant. “I don’t know why your dad didn’t tell me,” she said slowly, looking straight at her niece. “But I still believe that I knew him, and you did, too.” Pearl reached up to rub her right elbow, as though it was bothering her. This was the same elbow Lila had touched earlier. “I’m sorry again about your arm,” she said gently. “I never meant—”

“You didn’t. It was my fault. But this has nothing to do with what I want to talk about,” Pearl said, her voice rising. “I want to know why Dad hated himself enough to do what he did. And don’t tell me it’s because of what happened with William and losing
custody. I know that’s not true. He said it started when he lived here, in this house.”

“I already told you my thoughts on this,” Lila’s mother said, sounding like a petulant four-year-old. “Apparently, you didn’t appreciate my answer.”

Lila was surprised. “Billy told you he hated himself when he was a child?”

“Here it comes.” Her mother frowned at Lila. “You’re going to blame me. I’m the horrid mother who made her poor children so unhappy.” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. “No doubt you blame me for Pearl’s instability, as well, based on nothing other than that she’s been staying here for the past three weeks. I’m sure it would never occur to you that she’s behaving this way because she was the one who found you unconscious, that it was your irresponsible actions and those of your brother that led her to—”

“Stop it,” Pearl screamed. “I’m going to do it right now if you don’t tell me the truth!”

“But I’ve told you the truth,” Lila’s mother said. “What more do you want—”

Pearl’s hand was twitching. “Wait,” Lila said quickly, “I’ll tell you, but your father shouldn’t have blamed himself. He was only trying to protect me. And he was very young, your age, fifteen years old.” She’d never said this to anyone, but that wasn’t why she hesitated. She had to make sure Pearl didn’t overreact to the news that her father had done something violent to Harold. Unfortunately, Lila wasn’t sure what Billy had done because her brother always said he didn’t want her to be involved, in case whatever it was came to light. In the hospital, she’d dreamed or remembered Billy saying he shot him. Was that possible?

“First,” she told her niece, “you should know that our stepfather was very abusive. He—”

“This is a total fabrication,” her mother said. “There wasn’t—”

“He beat you,” Pearl said, staring at nothing. “Once he had you lie on your bed without your shirt on, and he beat you on the back with his belt. All you’d done was ask him a question.”

Though Lila didn’t remember this, Billy had told her about it many times. “Yes,” she said, astounded that her niece could rattle it off so quickly. “Did your father talk about this?”

“No, he wrote about it. In a book.”

“What book?”

“Clearly it was one of his
stories,”
her mother said. “Billy had an incredible imagination, but Lila knows she was never beaten in her life. She was punished occasionally, yes, but—”

“The book is about a man who can’t escape,” Pearl said. “That’s in the first sentence. And then there’s all this true stuff like the guy’s name is Billy and he has a twin sister named Lila and he grew up in this house in Pennsylvania. So it’s like my dad was writing about himself, but then he starts some chapters with, ‘What you are about to read isn’t true’ or ‘Believe the following at your peril.’ “ Pearl swallowed hard. “I just don’t understand it. I tried and tried, but I’m not smart enough.”

Her niece had let her arm fall to her side, but she was still holding the gun. If only Lila could convince her to put it down. She heard noises upstairs, meaning William was back inside. She wondered why he hadn’t come down yet, but she hoped he stayed safely where he was. “This makes perfect sense,” she said to Pearl. “You think if you did understand it, you would understand your dad. Perhaps I could help you. I know your father’s—”

“But he says in the book that the guilt he can’t escape is because of his twin.” Pearl’s cheeks grew pink. “Was he like… in love with you?”

Her mother started to say something, but Lila cut her off. “No, honey. Of course not.” She could feel her mother sneering at her,
but she kept her eyes on her niece. “That’s what I was trying to tell you before. When our stepfather was beating me one night and wouldn’t stop, your father—”

“Shot him,” Pearl said. “I know that, it’s in the book.” She closed her eyes for a second. “But it’s in one of those chapters he says isn’t true.”

“Because it isn’t,” her mother said. “It’s frankly ridiculous that we’re having this discussion, as your aunt knows full well that she never even had a stepfather.” She crossed her arms. “I never married any of the men I was involved with. I considered it, but at the end of the day, I valued my freedom more.”

Lila felt cold even though she knew it was actually a little warm in the room. “Perhaps she didn’t marry him,” she said, as evenly as she could manage, “but we thought of him as our stepfather and he certainly treated us—”

Pearl shook her head. “His name was Harold Duval, right?”

Lila nodded, and her mother sputtered, “No it wasn’t. My boyfriend’s name was Harold Tarley. How can any of this—”

Pearl shrugged. “That’s what he named the stepfather in the book.”

Lila was trying to focus. If there wasn’t a Harold Duval and never had been, then the word Billy could never utter without his voice filled with rage was the name their mother had given them. Their
mother
’s last name.

Pearl was looking at her. “Are you saying he did shoot this Harold guy, even though it’s in the not-true chapter?”

“I don’t know, but your father did something to protect me. Your grandmother knows it, too. She knows something happened the night Billy and I ran away.”

“Would you like me to describe that night?” her mother said.

“No,” Lila said, glancing at her niece.

“Oh, it won’t hurt Pearl, I’m confident of that. Because your
brother didn’t do anything. Something happened that weekend, though; you’re quite right there.”