The idea of running as a wolf made her want to break out in a cold sweat. She fought the reaction, which would be inexplicable to any other changeling. If Hawke sensed it, he wouldn’t stop until he’d stripped her most shameful secret from her and it was something she wanted no one to know. “Four days?”
“The cats owe me a favor or two. I’ll get Sascha to say you’re with her. If I know your brothers, they’ll give you three days before they decide to pay a friendly visit.”
Smiling, she put her hands on his shoulders and reached up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.
“Thank you.”
He held her to him. “You sure about this, Bren?”
“Yes.”
CHAPTER 11
Returning
to the family quarters with Hawke by her side, she sniffed past her smug brothers and packed a bag. When she came out of her room, Drew was scowling and Riley looked flat-out pissed.
“Don’t even try to stop me,” she said. “I need to be away from you two.”
“We didn’t do anything.” Drew threw up his hands. “I don’t think you should—”
“If you don’t let me go today, I swear I’m moving back near the campus.” To the hillside apartment she’d taken such pride in before Enrique had come into her life and turned her into a terrified little mouse too scared to leave the den. Well, no more!
Riley swore. “Those cats better take good care of you.”
“Sascha won’t let them do otherwise,” Hawke said, slightly mollifying her siblings. “Come on, Bren. I’ll walk you to the car.” He shook his head when Drew and Riley tried to follow. Neither looked happy, but they obeyed.
Sighing, she went back and kissed them both. “I need to become a wolf again.” Truer than anyone knew. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
“Don’t let any of those leopards sweet-talk you,” Drew muttered, hugging her. “One scratch, one fucking scratch, and I’ll rip out their guts.”
“I’ll be fine.” When he finally let her go, she picked up her bag and made her escape. “I feel so guilty,” she muttered when she was sure they were out of earshot.
“Don’t.” Hawke led her down to the garage level after a small detour to pick up the map. “You’re a full-grown wolf, not a pup.”
Stopping beside the forest-adapted vehicle, she threw her bag into the back. “Why haven’t you gone overprotective on me, too?”
“I’m your alpha. My job is to make sure you’re a healthy member of the pack, not a crippled one.” Ruthless words, but Hawke had never been a man who cloaked the truth. “Go and do what you need to do to put the pieces back together.”
She nodded and hugged him, understanding the deep caring that underlay words outsiders might’ve read as brutal. “I will.” She would not let Enrique win. And she would not let Judd Lauren run from this . . . whatever it was.
Hours later,
she emerged into the small yard in front of the cabin to find Judd waiting for her. Startled, she gasped. “How did you beat me here? I drove!”
His eyes flicked over her and she knew he’d noted everything in that single glance, including her lack of luggage. “You ran from the car in human form.”
It was as if she’d been waiting for this moment, for this man, because she opened her mouth without any forethought and admitted the secret she’d gone to such great lengths to hide. “I can’t go wolf.” She hadn’t meant to sound so shattered, but now a tear was streaking down her face and it was hot and wet and angry. “He broke me! That goddamn bastard broke me!” She turned and slammed her fisted hands against the trunk of a nearby tree. “He broke me!” Her bones vibrated from the impact as she brought her fists down for the second time.
“Stop.” Male hands closed over her own from behind. “You’ll injure yourself.”
Lured by the touch, by the scent of him, she leaned back against his body. “I can’t go wolf.” It was a whisper this time, the anger washed away in that single pained outburst.
“I’ve seen you use your claws.” His tone was icily Psy as always, but he’d curved his body protectively over hers.
The realization calmed her but not enough to stop her voice from trembling. “I can change in parts—claws, sometimes the teeth, but that’s harder. My strength and speed haven’t been affected. Same with my sense of smell and sight.”
“Like Dorian.”
“Yes.” The DarkRiver leopard had been born lacking the ability to shift, but was, in all other ways, changeling. “But I wasn’t born latent.
He
crippled me.” Hawke’s earlier words now took on new resonance. What would he say when he realized the extent of her impairment? “I’m damaged . . . maimed.”
Judd didn’t release her hands even when she dropped them to her sides, his touch firm and cool against the heat of her skin. “Have you told the healers about this? It may simply be that your body hasn’t had enough time to fully recover from your injuries.”
“I haven’t told anyone.”
Except him. Judd knew that should’ve made no difference, but it did. “Come. We’ll talk inside.” He tried to release her hands but she held on, her back pressing harder against his chest. He allowed her to prolong the contact. That was when the first warning signal flared in his brain, but there was no pain. Not yet. “What is it?”
“I’m scared.” A tiny, shaken whisper. “It must be nice to not feel, to never be afraid.”
“It’s also a kind of crippling.” Done by parents to their own children. “You don’t want to be what I am.” The idea of a cold, emotionless Brenna made him tighten his hold on her. A second warning sparked to life.
Pulling away her hands in a changeling-swift move, she twisted to put her arms around him. “Please.”
There would be a price to pay. There always was. But Judd raised his arms and wrapped them around her smaller frame anyway, tucking her head under his chin. He could feel her trembling from the force of her tears. He wanted to halt those tears but didn’t know how. So he did as she’d asked and held her, aware all the while of the building strain at the back of his head, the dull thud that announced an impending psychic backlash.
That backlash—the use of pain to coerce compliance—was called
dissonance
. Judd had found the term in an old and highly classified
Psy-Med Journal
article, an article he’d hacked into after figuring out something as a teenager—that Silence, at its simplest, was built on a foundation of reward and punishment. The larger the breach of conditioning, the stronger the pain.
The journal article had referenced a scientist named Pavlov’s early experiments with dogs, as well as several later papers that expanded on his theory. Judd hadn’t been able to access all those papers, but he had found enough to confirm his suspicions . . . and understand that his Council had trained him the same way you would a dog. Burn a dog enough times and he’ll begin to fear fire. Shock a child with pain every time he laughs and he’ll learn to never so much as smile. A dehumanizing equation but one Judd could not permit himself to break. No matter what the temptation.
“Brenna, you must stop,” he said after several long minutes—her sobs had turned raw and painful. “Stop or you’ll hurt yourself.” He was holding her so tightly, he wondered that she could draw breath. But instead of complaint, her fingers clawed into his back, further strengthening the connection. “No more tears.” His harsh order didn’t have any effect. He’d never seen her so distraught. During the healing sessions, she’d been this angry, half-feral thing who’d refused to give in, refused to let Enrique win.
Finding the answer in that memory, he bent his head until his lips brushed her ear as he spoke. “You
will
defeat this as you’ve defeated every other thing he did to you. You are not crippled, not now, not ever.” He’d kill anyone who implied otherwise. “You survived once and you’ll keep spitting in his face by continuing to survive again and again.”
Brenna found herself transfixed by those most unexpected of words. At first, Judd’s voice had been a blur, but now it was a cool, clear anchor that hauled her out of her tears without compromise. That the words came from a Psy was not something she registered, only that they came from Judd, from the man who held her, his arms as unbreakable as steel bands.
She rubbed her cheek against the soft wool of his black turtleneck, able to hear the solid beat of his heart. “I’m sorry I fell apart on you.” She’d been holding things together with sheer stubbornness for so long and when he’d touched her, breaking that ever-present barrier of Silent Psy reserve, it had all rushed out in an agonizing emotional torrent.
“It’s understandable.” Not the petting words a changeling man would’ve used, but they worked for her. She didn’t need gentling. She needed what Judd had given her in those stark words whispered in her ear—the unflinching belief that she
would
get past this. “Do you want to go inside?” he now asked. “I can light the laz-fire.”
She shook her head. “I’d rather walk out here for a bit. We could go get my pack.”
“You’re not staying.” He released her and took a step back.
She rubbed her hands over her face, wondering exactly how much of a fright she looked—she was not a pretty crier. “Yes, I am.”
Those dark brown eyes seemed to darken to pure black. “You have no reason to be out here. I can’t do what I’m supposed to if I’m babysitting.”
Her eyes felt swollen when she narrowed them. “Good try but you can’t make me mad so I’ll leave.” She suddenly understood something else—the way he made enemies so that no one would even try to get close to him. “I can run the patrols with you.”
“This is not up for discussion.” A statement so arrogant, it reminded her of Hawke and her brothers. Great. Just great. “I’m putting you in your vehicle and you’re driving back to the den.”
“Unless you’re planning on using mind control, that’s not going to happen.” She was looking at him when she said that and saw something very dark and very dangerous awaken in those gold-flecked eyes.
“I’m fully capable of doing that.” A warning, a threat.
Going with gut instinct, she placed her hand palm down on his chest. “To me?” He didn’t speak and that was her answer. “Why do you allow me to cross barriers you don’t allow anyone else?” Surely that meant he had feelings for her.
“Enrique was one of my own. And he hurt you.”
“Guilt? That’s why?” Her stomach dropped.
His fingers closed over her wrist, turning that sick sensation into something hungrier, more sensual. “I don’t feel guilt. I don’t feel anything.” Surrounded by snow and ice, he was a man who appeared the blackest of shadows. Yet his hand was careful on her.
She smiled, confidence reassured. “I’m staying.”
“I’m driving you back right now.”
“I’ll turn the car around the second you leave.” Her skin tingled where he held it, his fingers strong, his own skin erotically rough. She wondered how that hand would feel stroking other, softer places. Heat uncurled deep inside her. “Why does my presence bother you so much if you don’t feel?”
His hand tightened a fraction before setting her free. “Don’t get in my way.”
“I wouldn’t dare.” A complete lie. “Let’s go get my things.”
He jerked his head toward the cabin. “Go and start the laz-fire. I’ll bring your pack.”
She was more than willing to let him walk off his temper. And the man had one, even if he wasn’t willing to admit it. “The code’s four-two-seven-zero.” Because it was a pack vehicle, it wasn’t keyed to any single individual’s thumbprint. “See you when you get back.”
He didn’t leave until she was safely in the cabin. Watching him walk away, so tall and starkly alone against the snow, made her want to run outside and hug him. Just wrap her heat around him until her warmth melted his cold Psy armor. The problem was, Judd seemed determined to maintain that icy shield.
Shivering though the cabin was well insulated, she turned from the window and went to start the laz-fire. Unlike most clean-air devices, the LAZ energy source had been created not by changelings but by Psy. The reason? Laz technology saved energy and therefore money. The single thing changelings had done to adapt it was to add a holographic enhancer. It turned the efficient but colorless block of a portable laz generator into what appeared to be a perfectly real blaze, albeit one with zero chance of starting a forest fire.
Brenna checked that the generator was sitting in the correct place in the built-in fireplace before flicking it on. Flames burst into golden life, immediately lightening her mood. However, she didn’t stay in front of the fire, going to stand at the window instead. Judd needed to know that he wasn’t alone, that she was waiting for him.
Maybe he thought she was being disingenuous or that she didn’t understand what he was trying to tell her. She understood. She just didn’t accept it. Judd wasn’t lost to Silence, no matter how much he wanted to be. She knew dominant males, had grown up around them, so she could guess what it must have cost him to stifle his pride and submit to his low rank in the SnowDancer hierarchy. But he’d taken the hit—to protect Marlee and Toby, and even Sienna.
He might think he was beyond redemption, but she knew otherwise.
His body appeared from the trees at that instant, her pack slung over one shoulder. Strong and confident, there was an arrogance to him that said he knew he was too dangerous for any of the forest inhabitants to mess with.
Smiling, she went to open the door. “Hey.”
He dropped the pack inside the doorway. “I’m going to run a circuit. Close the door and stay inside until I get back.”
She was about to tell him exactly what she thought of the way he was giving her orders when he turned and headed out.
She blinked.
The man was
fast
. Too fast for a Psy. Then again, she had a feeling Judd Lauren was no ordinary Psy. Kicking the door shut, she opened the pack to retrieve a small piece of malfunctioning comm equipment she’d promised to fix for Drew. Her brother might be infuriatingly overprotective, but he respected her tech skills.
It felt good to pick up her tools again, to feel the rush of mental stimulation as she began doing her kind of surgery.