The Push: A Sequel to The Pull (10 page)

I felt the guilt rush over me then. I glanced back at Liv, then to the woman. “Excuse us. We have to get going.” I didn’t look to see the expression left on the woman’s face. I turned and hurried to catch up to Livvy who was walking like a mad woman back toward the path.

“Liv,” I called out to her.

She didn’t respond, just kept walking, her arms going back and forth furiously at her sides.

“Come on, Liv, don’t be like that!” I caught up to her and reached for her shoulder, spinning her around to face me. Her cheeks were covered in more tears. “Talk to me. Please.”

Liv covered her face with her hands. “I just don’t know, Shane. I just don’t know…” she mumbled.

I pulled her hands away from her face and brought her into my chest as I wrapped my arms around her. I let my chin rest against the top of her head and silently cursed this world for all that had happened to this beautiful woman. “Listen,” I whispered. “You know I will be in this baby’s life, don’t you? I mean, you will let me, right?”

She pulled away for a moment to look up at me. “What kind of question is that, Shane? You know I will. I
want
you in this baby’s life.”

“Good, good.” I pulled her into my chest again. “You and this baby, you’re not alone. You have to get that through your pretty little head, Liv. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but I’ll say it again. You’re not alone.”

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Livvy

My guts were churning, and it wasn’t the pregnancy making me feel this way—it was this terrible, mind-shattering guilt that was beginning to eat away at my brain. I felt so strange about what was happening between me and Shane. I had these feelings for him, and I didn’t know what exactly to do with them. I was so confused and sad all at the same time. It was too much for one person to bear. All I knew for sure was that Shane was my strength. He was the only thing keeping me from crumbling to the ground below, and I didn’t want him to go back to California. I wanted to keep him to myself. He was my savior. I knew I was being selfish. After all, he did have Gwen, but I wanted Shane all to myself, if only for a little bit longer. Being here in his arms helped me push all of my anguish down deep enough that it no longer stung.

“Walk me back to the house,” I whispered after finally giving into the sobs and letting them come. Shane wasn’t disturbed by my emotions. He let me get it all out, then stood by my side as I faced reality again.

“Let’s go,” he answered, and we headed back up to the path we had come down. Instead of grabbing my hand, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close.

When we got back to the house, Evelyn was outside on the porch sipping some iced tea. She waved her hand in the air. “Oh, there you two are! I just made some sandwiches if you’re hungry.”

I walked slowly up the stairs to the front door. “Thanks. Maybe later. I’m tired. I think I’ll take a little nap.”

Evelyn didn’t respond, only nodded her head as I walked inside the house. I went up to the bedroom I was staying in and took off my shoes. I curled up on the bed and wrapped my arms around my growing stomach. I was so tired of thinking. I needed my mind to shut off. It was agonizing.

“You okay?” a soft voice said from the doorway of the bedroom a few minutes later as he pushed the door open wider.

Shane. Always coming to my rescue.

“I’ll be fine.”

He sat down on the bed and leaned over me. He began to run his fingers through my hair while massaging my scalp with his fingertips. I closed my eyes and relished in the feeling of his touch.

“Liv, I know you’re going through a lot of shit right now—shit you don’t deserve to be going through. Life isn’t fair. Hell, I’m pissed off for you. But you
are
going to be fine. I can say those words with assurance knowing that. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met, and if anyone can do this, you can. You need to believe in yourself and dig deep into your strength, Liv. I’m amazed by you. You need to be amazed by yourself. Every life you touch is better for having known you. I know that much is true with me.”

Shane’s words melted my heart. Warm tears threatened to fall again. This time, they weren’t sad tears. They were tears of joy that came along with Shane’s way of uplifting me. I turned into his chest and pressed my face against his shirt. The smell of his clothing, of his skin anchored me.

“I’m not saying it’s wrong to grieve Darin. I know you’ll be missing him for a long time, if not forever, but you won’t be in the pits of despair. You’re Livvy Thorne. You don’t have room for despair in your life,” he continued.

This man was…incredible. Where did he come from? Why hadn’t someone snatched him up before and never let go? That strange feeling rushed over me, clouding my thoughts, and before I knew what I was doing, I had wrapped my arms around Shane’s neck and pressed my lips into his. He seemed shocked at first, but then soon responded with his fingers digging into the back of my neck as he leaned into me and kissed me back again and again. He was such an amazing kisser. Chills ran throughout my entire body. I was completely encompassed in this moment. I savored the feeling of Shane’s muscled body pressed against mine. He kissed me hard, then gentler, his hands going down my back. Then as quickly as it had started, Shane pulled away and created distance between us on the bed.

His eyebrows sank as he stared at me. He put his fingertips up to his lips and tried to catch his breath. “Liv,” he whispered. “What are we doing here?”

I’m making you mine, Shane.

My own thoughts surprised even me. I blinked a couple of times, realizing what I’d done. Gwen. Shane loved Gwen, and she was across the country while I laid in his arms and kissed him. Oh my god. I was turning into…Violet.

My mind reeled in panic as the realization of the situation at hand sank in. My heart plummeted inside me. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t the kind of thing I did. No…

“Shane…” My voice cracked.

But the truth was that no matter how shocked I was, I still felt terrified at the notion that Shane wouldn’t be with me. How had I allowed myself to become so dependent on him? I was frozen in place on the bed. I had a choice, and I didn’t know what to do. My conscious mind was telling me this was so wrong, but the part of me that wanted to quit life and say fuck you to it told me Shane was the light at the end of this weary, dark tunnel.

Maybe he didn’t love Gwen. Maybe—just maybe he actually loved me. Then that would make it right. The look in his eyes right now, wild and in just as much disbelief that this was happening as me, told me there was a chance, a chance that he might be developing feelings for me as well. We’d always loved being around each other. This was just another step. It was hard getting over one thing—how could something wrong feel so right when I was in his arms? My eyes moved down his chest and to his arms, and my heart ached.

I wiped my sweaty palms on the sides of my jeans. The door was jarred open. I moved over and closed it so Evelyn or Henry wouldn’t be able to see the two of us like…this. Ugh! I wanted to pull out my hair.

I walked over to Shane and ran my hands down the sides of his arms. “I…I don’t know what’s happening, Shane.” I put my head down so he couldn’t see my eyes. “I just feel so at peace when I’m with you. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You don’t have to,” Shane told me, his eyes softening as he lifted my chin so I was forced to look up at him. The corner of his mouth twisted upward into a smile. “I feel the same way about you, Liv. It just…scares me, you know? You’re my sister-in-law for god’s sake. I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”

“And you are,” I assured him, attempting to swallow down another lump in my throat. “You’re so wonderful, Shane. The way you take care of me is amazing. I’m so grateful. I just…” I paused for a moment, wondering if this would come out the way I wanted it to or if he’d go running for the hills. “I’m just tired. Is it wrong of me to ask you to lay down with me again, just until I go to sleep?”

He looked at my forehead and pushed a stray piece of hair away. Then he smiled again and led me back over to the bed. “I honestly just want you to feel better, Liv, whatever it takes.”

A wave of relief washed over me. I turned, facing Shane as he laid down beside me and curled up around me. He wrapped his arm over my side and pulled me in tight. I bit my bottom lip as I looked up at his face and into those dark eyes of his.

“This is our time, Liv,” he whispered in my ear. “No one can take that away from us.” He leaned in to kiss me again, and I let go of all of the emotions that threatened to drown me and just went with the moment of being comforted—and maybe even loved—by Shane.

ELEVEN

Shane

“Shane? Shane?”

My eyelids fluttered open. Was it day or night? I felt Livvy stirring beside me. After our makeout session, we’d fallen asleep together—again.

The bedroom door flew open. “Livvy, have you seen…?”

I sat up to find my dad in the room, his eyes large and in shock of seeing me with Livvy in bed.

“What the…?” my dad’s voice trailed off as I could see his brain attempting to process what his eyeballs were telling him they were seeing. His forehead crinkled as his eyebrows moved closer together.

Livvy flung the blanket off herself and scrambled out of the bed. She quickly maneuvered her sweater so that it was positioned correctly before giving my dad an embarrassed silent apology and darting out of the room.

Dad’s eyes followed her before he turned around to glare at me. “What the hell was that?” he bellowed out, his thumb up in the air toward the hallway where Livvy had just disappeared.

I slowly got off the bed and stood up. “Listen, Dad, it’s not what it seems. We just fell asleep together.”

He snorted in response. “What? Do you think I was born yesterday, boy? You just fell asleep together?”

I shook my head. It must be mid-afternoon by now. “I don’t need a lecture, so if that’s what you’re about to do, save it.”

Dad took a step closer to me so that his nose was inches away from mine. “Just because you’re a grown man doesn’t mean that you’re too old for scolding. What in the world do you think you’re doing by crawling into bed with Livvy for crying out loud?”

“You make it sound like I was being some sort of sleaze ball!” My temper flared at his accusations as his reaction only made my guilt take root and grow deeper.

“You are a sleaze ball, Shane!” he shouted. “You’re taking advantage of your dead brother’s wife, and his corpse is barely cold yet!”

I threw up my hands up in the air. This was outrageous. I wanted to put my hand through the wall. I turned around and stuck my finger in my dad’s face instead. “You have
no
idea what you’re talking about. She’s the one who asked me to come in here. I didn’t go inviting myself. I was just comforting her. That’s it. End of story. And honestly, it’s none of your goddamn business anyway.”

“Oh, it is my business. This entire family is my business. And Livvy’s in this family, and so are you. What makes it even more disturbing is the fact that not only did her husband just die, but she’s pregnant with your nephew! What the hell is the matter with you? Have you lost your mind? It’s plain old sick is what it is.”

I gritted my teeth together in frustration as my hands curled into fists at my sides. “I care a lot for Livvy. I would never do anything to hurt her.”

“By your doing this…it does hurt her.”

“How?”

“She’s confused, Shane.” He gave me a look like I was the dumbest person on the face of the earth.

“She just wants comforted.”

“Of course she does. She feels all alone right now, and obviously she’s turned to an easy target—you.”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

I glared at him.

“Just because I don’t say much doesn’t mean I’m not observing, you know.” He pointed to his eyes. “And I’ve seen the two of you going off and acting like a bunch of lovesick teenagers, pretending things aren’t the way they really are.”

“And how are things really?”

My dad took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “Do I need to spell it out for you again, boy? She’s just lost her husband. She’s pregnant. And you, you have a little girlfriend back in California, don’t you?”

“She has
nothing
to do with this, Dad. You’re crossing a lot of lines here.” The guilt continued to rip me apart inside.

He pressed his lips together as he studied me for a moment. “I’m just reminding you of the facts here since you’re doing such a good job of ignoring them all. And you want to talk about crossing lines, Shane? Take a look in the mirror. You’ve crossed an awful lot of them yourself.” He turned to go out the door but decided to glance back at me one last time and point at me. “And the kind of lines you’re crossing, those are the ones hard to come back from. Those are the ones that have some pretty serious consequences.”

I watched him leave as he slammed the door shut behind him. I growled in frustration. He was right of course. I’d never admit that to him, but he was right about everything he said. I had ignored the facts of the situation—at least I’d been trying to. It was like up here in New York me and Liv had our own little world going on, but outside of that, the Earth still continued to revolve. Pretending didn’t mean Darin wasn’t still dead. It didn’t mean Gwen wasn’t still waiting for me on the other side of the country. I raked my fingers through my hair and sat on the edge of the bed. My temper was still at its peak, but the only person I wanted to throttle right now was myself.

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Livvy

I ran a few more handfuls of cold water on my face before reaching for a towel and patting my skin dry. My heart was still racing. Henry had just walked in on me and Shane in bed together. I couldn’t imagine the thoughts going through my father-in-law’s mind, nor did I want to. He had looked so shocked. If his mouth would’ve dropped open any further, it would’ve hit the floor. I was mortified. I forced myself to open the bathroom door and go out, though I felt like hiding in the closet for the rest of the day and probably the night too if I could’ve gotten away with it.

“How was your nap, dear?”

I looked up at Evelyn. She smiled. I gave her a quick smile back. “Fine.” I began to think about Shane’s warm lips pressing up against mine…

“You okay?” Evelyn gave me a funny look as she draped a piece of clothing she’d been folding over her shoulder. “You look a little pale. Maybe you should sit down for a bit.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll do that.”

I made my way into the living room and plopped down on the recliner. I wondered what kind of conversation Henry and Shane were having upstairs right now. The beginning of a headache formed in my temples. This awkward stress was getting the best of me. I furiously massaged the sides of my head with my fingers. I had to pull Henry aside and talk to him. I could only pray that he wouldn’t tell Evelyn. My only hope was that Shane was up there smoothing things over. Everything was turning into such a mess. I needed to get out of this house. I shouldn’t have come up here.

Henry’s heavy footsteps slowly descended from the stairs. He made his way through the dining room and then into the living room where his eyes shot to me. I felt my cheeks grow hot as the embarrassment claimed me once again.

“Henry,” I began. “I feel the need to explain to you.”

He waved his hand in the air and turned to sit down on the couch after grabbing the television remote control.

“Henry, please,” I hissed, knowing Evelyn was in the next room. “Shane was just comforting me,” I blurted out, “and we fell asleep. It was a mistake.”

The older man made a grumbling noise as he turned on the TV. He wouldn’t even look at me, just stared straight ahead. “I’m not going to say much about it. I’ve already told Shane what I think. Just be careful with what you’re doing, girl. You’re vulnerable right now. Don’t be a fool.” With that he turned the volume up so loud it would’ve drowned out anything else I had to say.

I crossed my arms in front of me and hurried out of the room. My stomach growled irritability at me for having missed lunch. Evelyn was still folding laundry in the other room. There was a bowl of muffins on the table. I reached for one and went outside on the porch for some fresh air. It was chilly, and I welcomed the cold rush on my skin.

What was I going to do about Shane? What did I really want out of this? What exactly was this anyway? It couldn’t be just nothing. No, I refused to believe that. Shane and me…we had a connection. I felt the sparks when his lips touched mine. The only thing intercepting my wanting to be with him was the guilt. I was surrounded in a whirlwind. It had begun to consume me before, but Henry only reinforced the feeling. Darin would’ve wanted his brother to take care of me. If he had a choice, knowing he wouldn’t be around, who better to be with me and his soon-to-be-born son? Shane already loved this baby. It made sense, yet it didn’t. I shoved a bite of muffin in my mouth and chewed furiously. Absolutely nothing went my way. My other hand gripped tightly onto the railing of the porch. My eyes floated to the path that Shane had walked down with me. How many times had Darin walked there, too? This had been Darin’s home growing up. It had been Shane’s too. And when I truly thought about how I felt trying to put aside all complications at hand, I loved both Thorne boys. Darin was my true love, the one I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But he was gone now. Shane had stepped up and given me hope when I needed it the most. I still needed it. That’s why it was so hard to even think about the decision of letting him go. No. I needed Shane. In time, perhaps I could learn to love him in the same way I had his brother. I felt sorry for Gwen, I really did, but if I was a better match for Shane, then it was better if he gave her up anyway.

The sun began to set and dinner was put on the table. Evelyn was still lost in her own sadness over the death of her son, but she tried to continue to keep herself busy, her mind occupied. She cooked—a lot. I was actually really hungry tonight despite the tiring events of the day. Nobody said much of anything. Shane had done a lot of things outside around the house this evening. He had met my glance a few times, but that was it. Henry wouldn’t even look at either one of us. A heavy awkwardness had settled over.

I went upstairs and laid down on the bed after I’d finished helping Evelyn clean up the dishes. I thought for sure that Shane would come up and talk to me eventually, but I waited and waited and he never came.

I finally got up and decided to go look for him. I needed to talk to him about us—whatever that word meant. I needed clarification on what was going on inside that head of his even if I wasn’t completely sure of what was going on inside of mine.

After searching the house and not finding him anywhere, I ventured outside. A soft glow came from the barn. I hurried out through the freshly cut grass.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” I said, shutting the door behind me as Shane stopped moving hay out of the corner of the room to turn and look at me.

He chuckled and wiped a bead of sweat from his brow with the back of his arm. “I’m not hiding. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

I looked around. Why was he cleaning this up? No one had been in here for ages, and I doubted anyone ever would be again. It looked like he was keeping himself occupied, too. “I took a nap earlier in the day, remember?” I flashed him a smile. “So I’m not very tired.”

He smiled too, though it seemed a little forced, and let the pitchfork lean up against the wall as he brushed his dirty hands off on the side of his jeans. “Yeah, I remember. My dad’s pretty pissed at me.”

“Why?”

Shane shrugged. “Guess he thinks I’m taking advantage of you. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but maybe I was. Doesn’t make me any better than that creepy Sean guy.”

I took a few steps toward him and put my hands on his shoulders. “Don’t you dare start that shit, Shane. You haven’t taken advantage of me at all. If anything, I’ve taken advantage of your kindness.”

“Kindness?” Shane raised his eyebrows. He turned away from me for a moment, making my hands fall away from him.

I sighed. “I know there’s no real cut and dry way to label whatever this is that’s going on between us. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. It was something neither one of us could control. That, to me, says it means something.”

Shane turned then, his dark eyes piercing through me as he leaned in close but didn’t touch me. “We have to stop kidding ourselves, Liv. This—you and me—I’m not going to lie. I have feelings for you. I think in a way I’ve always had feelings for you. I was jealous of Darin’s relationship with you. I thought you two were perfection. But then when it really comes down to it, I was only jealous because I thought you were a great girl, and he had you. You are a great girl, Liv. Maybe I’ve always wanted to take a stab at being with you and that wasn’t fair, not during a time when my brother was gone and you had no one else to turn to.”

“No,” I said sharply. “Stop it, Shane. You’re thinking into this too much. You’ve let whatever Henry said get to you.” I reached my hands out toward him again, but he moved away. My heart was breaking inside of me. “I think that Darin…”

“We have to try to stop analyzing what Darin would want,” he interrupted me. “I’ve tried to justify it too, Liv, by thinking this is what Darin would’ve wanted, but for all we know, if he were alive and standing in front of me today, he’d be pissed as all hell and trying to kick my ass. I’ve done wrong by you. I’ve done wrong by Gwen. I’m a fucking lowlife human being.” Shane’s face twisted in agony. “I love Gwen. I’ve told you that, and I could kick my own ass for what I’ve done to her.”