The Queen of Cool (16 page)

“You look messy,” she says. “And you smell.”

I probably have dirt on my face. I push my hair out of my eyes.

“Oh, well,” I say. “It
is
the zoo. I don’t think the elephants give an elephant shit about how I look or smell. They just want their hay.”

“Right. So, guess what? Kenji’s meeting me here. We’re going to explore!”

“Cool,” I say. I try not to show that it bothers me. I make my face say,
See. Me. I’m cool about it.

“Let’s hang out afterward,” she says. “A threesome.”

“Excellent. Oh! Sid’s band is playing at The Loft. Maybe we can sneak in.”

“That’s not what I had in mind,” she says with a wink.

I see Kenji and Perla later by the monkey cages. They are jumping around on the little stage like chimpanzees. I take off my zoo shirt, tie it around my waist, and join them.

“Hey, are you off?” Kenji says.

“Taking a break,” I say.

We walk around, and I point out the animals we’ve worked with, but they don’t really care. I tell them about all the animals, but I know they’re not really listening.

“Oh, shit! Check it!” Kenji says. “That’s fucking rad!”

“What?” I say. I don’t see anything interesting.

Kenji runs up and pushes himself against the fence.

The sign on the cage says,
THIS EXHIBIT CLOSED.

“It’s empty,” Perla says.

“Why is it empty?” Kenji asks.

“I dunno — maybe they moved the animals,” I say. “Or maybe they’re fixing it up. Come on. The giraffes are over this way.”

But I already know what Kenji is going to do before he even does it. And part of me thinks it might be fun. Part of me would once have wanted to do it too.

“Maybe there’s a new exhibit in town,” Kenji says.

“Don’t,” I say.

“What?” Perla says.

“Don’t do it, Kenji,” I say.

But he’s already jumped. He’s on the other side of the fence, and he begins his show.

“Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the Los Angeles Zoo’s most dangerous animal! Man! He’s violent and dangerous and highly adaptable! A warlike creature, he builds large cities and attempts to gain power over land, weather, water, and even space. Watch him sleep! Watch him eat! Watch him shit! Watch him procreate! He’s a funny monkey!”

Kenji is jumping around the cage. Sleeping, eating, pretend pooping. It’s hysterical. A small crowd has gathered, and they are laughing at Kenji’s antics.

No zoo guards have come yet, and I feel like we’re lucky. He might just get away with it.

“Okay, that’s enough,” I say. “Come on out. Now.”

“Fuck that,” Perla says. “I’m going in. That Man needs a Woman.”

“Come on, Libby — don’t be a pussy,” Kenji says.

The thing is, I
want
to do it. It looks like
fun.

But I work here at the zoo. I respect it. You can’t just go do fun things because they’re fun. Not if they are irresponsible.

Kenji and Perla are having a fake tea party. People are howling with laughter. But despite the little voice in my head telling me not to do it, that it is wrong, I also hear the voice inside me telling me that I am lame. Chicken. A pussy.

“Tiny,” Perla coos. “Why don’t you come in?”

I turn and notice that Tina has joined the crowd.

“Yeah, hot stuff, get over here,” Kenji says.

“Me?” Tina says, taking a step forward.

“Yeah, you! You pretty little thing. Don’t think the guys haven’t noticed you just ’cause you’re so small.”

Tina takes another step forward.

“I know you’ve auditioned for
Midsummer,
” Perla says. “But don’t you want to be a star? Why be in a school play? I could put you in my reality show. We’re shooting the pilot this summer. You could be one of my
friends.
I could maybe put in a good word for you, make sure you get a lot of camera time.”

“Really?” Tina says. Another a step forward. Hypnotized.

“Yeah, of course. I would do that for a
friend.
I would give her a break. Let her use my connections,” Perla says.

Tina hesitates.

“I didn’t think you liked me,” she says.

“No, I do. I
really
do,” Perla says. “Libby’s been talking you up and shit, telling everyone how cool you are.”

Perla’s lying. I never actually said anything like that. But it’s working.

“Yeah, you could be our friend. Come on in and hang with us, Tiny,” Kenji says, grinning.

He just wants to see if they can break her.

Tina is standing her ground.

I can’t move. I can’t do anything. I’m frozen. I’m transfixed by the scene unfolding in front of me. It’s just like a play. And I can’t figure out which way the story is going to go.

And then Perla unwraps the hot pink boa from her neck and holds it out toward Tina.

“You wanna try it on, Tiny? I bet it would look so cute on you,” Perla says.

Without hesitating, Tina hops up on the fence and drops herself into the cage. She smiles up at Perla as she wraps the boa around her neck.

“See, Libby, Tiny’s not a pussy. She’s cool enough to come in the cage,” Kenji says.

It’s wrong. I know it’s wrong.

But it wins.

I swing my leg over the fence.

“What’s going on here?” Sheldon asks as he approaches. “Libby, what are you doing?”

“We’re an exhibit. We’re the Dangerous Man exhibit,” Tina says. “Tell him, Libby.”

“We’re representing the real beasts of the world,” Kenji says.

“Sheldon, these are my new friends, Kenji and Perla,” Tina says.

“Tina, get out of there,” Sheldon says forcefully. He’s mustered up some command and he turns to me. “Don’t do it, Libby.”

But I ignore him and jump into the cage.

Tina looks so happy that she belongs, and I just want to throw up. She’s playing human ape with Kenji and Perla, who are laughing. She thinks it’s
with
her, but I know it’s
at
her.

I am just standing there. I can’t join in.

This isn’t
fun.

It’s
terrible.

Sheldon looks like he doesn’t know what to do except turn red.

And then I see her coming toward us with a group of prospective volunteers.

Mrs. Torres.

“What’s going on here?”

Kenji and Perla are scrambling out the other side of the cage, running down the road, disappearing into the crowd. They don’t even look back to see if Tina and I make it out of the cage. And they certainly don’t stop to help us.

I am frozen.

So is Tina.

Mrs. Torres is using her walkie-talkie to call security.

“Get out of there,” Sheldon says. He’s begging us to move.

Eventually I find my feet firmly planted on the ground next to Sheldon.

“What were you thinking?” He’s almost yelling at us.

The walkie-talkie jumps to life as the security guard reports that Kenji and Perla have been stopped and detained.

I look at Tina. She is gray. She just did it so that stupid Perla and Kenji would think she was cool. I can see it on her face. That price is too high. It’s not fair.

Suddenly, I’m not frozen anymore. I know what to do. I pull the boa from Tina’s neck and wrap it around mine.

“Why did you do it?” Mrs. Torres asks. “You know I have to report both of you.”

“Tina didn’t do it. She was trying to get me out of there,” I say.

“That’s not true,” Tina says.

“Yes it is, Mrs. Torres,” I say. “I’m the one to blame. The whole thing was my idea. They don’t even like her. They’re
my
friends.”

Mrs. Torres looks at me as though I just killed someone.

“Then I’m very, very sorry for you,” she says. “Tina, Sheldon, please go back to your duties.”

I watch them head up the path, leaving me alone with Mrs. Torres.

“That was a stupid move, Libby,” Mrs. Torres says.

“I’m really sorry,” I say.

“You keep very bad company,” she says. “With friends like those . . .”

“I know,” I say. “I said I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” Mrs. Torres says. “You’re out of the program. Get your things and get out.”

When I get to the parking lot, Tina and Sheldon are waiting for me by my car.

“Why did you lie?” Tina asks.

A million things cross my mind.

“I don’t know why I do anything these days,” I say.

Tina sighs. She looks up at me. She puts her hand on my arm.

“You’re such a good friend,” she says. She comes up on her tippy toes and hugs me. “Don’t ever do something stupid like that again.”

“You don’t need anybody to help you be a star, Tina,” I say. “You’re already a star to a lot of people.”

Sheldon stares at me, like he’s seeing something for the first time.

Ms. Lew calls me into her office.

“You realize that you are automatically failing your internship.”

“Yes.”

“And you won’t get a passing grade in this biology class.”

“Yes.”

“You’ll have to make it up in summer school.”

“I understand,” I say.

“I am terribly disappointed in you, Libby.”

“I know.”

I wait until I hear the door click behind me and I am alone in the hallway before I start to cry.

When I get home, I find Dad sitting on the couch in the rec room playing his video game. He doesn’t say anything to me. He just hands me the other joystick and we look for keys.

“I’m blocked,” he says. “Everything I write is shit. I don’t know why I’m bothering. I should just accept the fact that I’m not an artist anymore. I’m a businessman.”

Hours go by before Mom comes home late from work and finds us in the dark rec room. Neither one of us bothered to turn on the light as the sun set.

“So I just got a message about what happened at the zoo,” Mom says.

The television monitor flashes
GAME OVER.
I hit
restart.

“You are grounded indefinitely,” Mom says.

“It wasn’t really me. It was Perla and Kenji that were in the cage. I just followed.
I
didn’t want to do it. I
knew
it was wrong.”

“But you did it anyway, even when you knew it was wrong.”

“I didn’t want to be a wimp. And I wanted to save Tina.”

“Excuses, excuses,” she says. “You’re grounded.”

“Great. Why don’t you try grounding me and meaning it this time?”

“What’s
that
supposed to mean?” Mom asks.

“It means, I don’t believe you when you say I’m grounded. You never make it stick.”

She storms out of the room.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Dad finally asks.

So I tell him. Everything.

“And the worst part,” I say, “is that I actually like the zoo. After all that time of thinking it was kind of lame, and I was kind of better than it, I really like it.”

Dad rubs his hand over his face.

“How about this Libby?” Dad says. “I’ll try if you try.”

“Okay,” I say, but I don’t really know what he means.

He gets up off the couch, goes to his desk, pulls out a thick manila folder, and puts his laptop into its bag.

“Neil’s theater company is having its monthly new works meeting tonight,” he says. “Maybe I’ll drop in. Show them what I’ve got so far. Not worry so much about what’s not working.”

Now I know what he means.

“I don’t understand why you are being so lame about the zoo thing,” Kenji says, cornering me by my locker. “Who cares?”

“I care!” I say. “Unlike you. You don’t care about anything. And you don’t know anything about anything. You could’ve brought your dirty human diseases in there. You could have germs on your shoes, on your hands. . . . Animals are sensitive. They can catch stuff. God, it was so irresponsible of you!”

“This coming from the girl who takes off her clothes at school dances and gets drunk at the drop of a hat. The Cut Queen of Hollywood.”

“It’s different,” I say. “You used Tina.”

“Oh, please,” Kenji says. “In the old days, you’d have been
in
on the joke. Now, you
are
the joke.”

“I’d rather be a joke than a loser,” I say.

“What’s up?”

It’s Sid, who’s come up behind me while I’m sitting by myself at lunch, for like the first time ever.