“Why not?” Larry demanded. “You’re not getting any younger. In fact, you’re getting older every day. One step closer to death. I need grandchildren to spoil, Paul. My biological clock is ticking. I can feel it in my loins.”
“It really is,” Matty said. “Every time he sees grandparents with their grandchildren, I swear he starts salivating.”
“You like it when I salivate.” Larry waggled his eyebrows.
“Oh, Mr. Auster.” Matty giggled.
“So gross,” Paul muttered.
“Kids?” Vince said, looking rather pale. “You want kids?”
“Uh, maybe?” Paul said. “Or not. I don’t know. I think I want new luggage more.”
“We can have kids if you want,” Vince choked out.
Paul looked strangely amused. “Maybe if you can say that without looking like you’re going to vomit.”
“I’m fine.” Vince started to hyperventilate.
“Jesus, calm down. I’m not popping anything out right now.” Paul frowned. “Or ever. Because I can’t.”
“But you would if you
could
,” Vince wheezed.
“This sounds weirdly familiar,” Corey said.
“Oh dear,” Matty said.
“I can’t help but feel as if this is my fault,” Larry said.
“It probably is,” Nana said.
“I’m having such a wonderful time.” Corey grinned at everyone.
“Of course you are, dear,” Nana said. “You’re sitting next to me.”
“So, Octavius,” Matty said, trying to redirect the conversation. “You’re a model. That must be exciting.”
“I suppose,” Octavius said, affecting an English accent, although he hadn’t been British five minutes ago. He looked over at me. “Do you have anything to eat that’s not full of carbs or trans fats? All I see is bacon and eggs and fat thighs in your future. Some nonfat vegan granola will be fine. And your orange juice has pulp. I can’t have pulp. It gives me gas.”
“That’s too bad,” I said. “Because all I have is extra pulp. It’s so pulpy, it’s like they put all the pulp in it.”
Octavius grimaced and then looked back at Darren, pouting slightly. “Darren, there’s nothing here that I can have.”
“Maybe you should leave, then,” Darren said.
“I can’t.” He rested his chin on Darren’s shoulder. “We drove together, remember?” He leaned up and kissed Darren on the cheek.
“You’re very bad at this one-night-stand thing,” I told him.
“And you’re doing any better?” Darren retorted, looking pointedly at Brian.
“I invited him to brunch,” I said.
“You did?” Paul asked.
“Sure.” I reached over and took Brian’s hand in mine. “We had such a connection last night, didn’t we, Bri?”
“Sure,” Brian said, smiling, though he looked perplexed. “We connected all over the place.”
“It was very carnal,” I agreed. I didn’t remember most of it. “We carnally connected.”
“What kind of modeling do you do?” Matty asked Octavius. “I thought about getting into modeling myself, but I have a crooked tooth and unruly eyebrows.”
“Mom,” Paul said. “Leave him alone.”
“I like your crooked tooth,” Larry said. “And your unibrow.”
“Thank you.” She beamed.
“Do you know the Gucci store over on Broadway?” Octavius asked.
“Yes, I do,” Matty said, sounding impressed.
“There’s a Subway sandwich shop right next door to that,” he said, once again sounding English. “My picture is in the window on one of their ads. I’m eating a vegetarian footlong while playing football. Oh, sorry, as you Americans say,
soccer
.”
I choked and mimosa came out my nose. “Sorry,” I gasped. “Sorry. That went down the wrong tube.” I picked up my cloth napkin and wiped my nose.
“Are you sure you don’t want kids right now?” Vince asked Paul. “Because you know I’d give you anything you want.”
“See what you did?” Paul asked, glaring at his father.
“That’s not my fault,” Larry said. “My body wants grandbabies.”
“Subway,” Matty said. “That’s amazing. Reach for the stars, I always say.”
“Yes,” Octavius said. “I hope it will lead to my very own reality show on the
telly
.”
“Where you eat sandwiches and have kooky adventures,” Matty said. “I’d watch it.”
“You and Brian are dating now, huh?” Darren asked. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I think it’s a
grand
idea.” I curled my hand around Brian’s.
“Uh,” Brian said. “I’m not really into—”
“Hush, boo,” I said. “I’m talking. That means you shouldn’t be.”
“Okay.” Brian helped himself to more bacon with his free hand.
“You don’t even know him,” Darren said.
“Of course I do,” I said. “What, you think I’d find a complete stranger and bring him home and fuck him? I’m not
you
.”
“What’s his last name, then?” Darren asked.
“Landers.”
“Uh,” Brian said. “My last name is Jones.”
“Same thing,” I said dismissively before glaring back at Darren. “And what about
you
? What’s
his
last name?”
Darren flushed a little. He mumbled something under his breath.
“Sorry? Didn’t catch that.”
“He… doesn’t have one. It’s a modeling thing.”
“A
modeling
thing?” I said. “A
modeling thing
? So, when he was born, his mother looked down at him and saw ridiculous cheekbones and thought, hmm, my child will grow up to model footlong sandwiches, so he should have one name only. Oh, and that name should be Octavius, because why the hell not.”
“Do you know my mother?” Octavius asked, looking spooked.
“I often find myself in these situations,” Corey said.
“And what situations would those be, dear?” Nana asked.
“Confusing,” Corey said. “Hilarious, but confusing. I blame the people I surround myself with. Sometimes, I wonder why I don’t regret my life choices more than I do.”
“I’m not saying you have to have them right this second,” Larry argued. “I just think it’s good to plan ahead.”
“But what if we have a daughter and she’s popular and all the boys want to come to her yard?” Vince sounded irate. “I’m going to have to buy a shotgun just to scare them off. I don’t even know where to shop for shotguns! Is there one brand better than another? Can I get two of them?”
“Oh dear god,” Paul groaned. “How is this my
life
? We’re not even
married
, for fuck’s sake. Why are we even talking about this?”
“Because the heart wants what the heart wants,” Larry said. “And the heart wants grandbabies. Preferably not born out of wedlock, either. How can I explain to my grandkids why their daddies don’t love each other enough to get married?”
“Paul,” Vince said, eyes wide. “We can’t have bastard children.”
“I blame you for this,” Paul told his father.
“How did you and Darren meet?” Matty asked Octavius. “You seem to be very… close.”
And they did. Very, very close. Because Octavius was trying to climb into Darren’s lap. Darren, for his part, looked supremely irritated and kept trying to shove Octavius back to his own seat. I had to give the twink credit. He certainly was tenacious.
“Yes, Octavius,” I said sweetly. “How
did
you and Darren meet?”
Darren glared at me.
I winked at him.
Brian tried to pull his hand away.
I held it tighter.
“It was meant to be,” Octavius said, affecting an accent that was either a really terrible French or a really good Danish. I couldn’t tell which. “I looked across the club and our eyes met and then the music swelled and I felt this
pull
toward him, you know? I didn’t believe in magic until last night. But now I do because he has magic hands.”
“Oh dear god,” I choked out. “That’s so special. You’re very lucky.”
“It wasn’t like that,” Darren grumbled.
“Of course it was.” Octavius rubbed his nose against Darren’s cheek. “I told you my name and you told me you didn’t care, but I could see that you did. Deep inside. There was just this
connection
, you know?”
“You’re so lucky,” I told Darren. “To have found that
connection
. Tell me, Darren. How connected did you feel? Mine was carnal, but yours seems to be deeply spiritual.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “How about you and Brian? Please, enlighten us as to how the two of you met. I’m curious how Brian found himself here this morning with us. Eating brunch.”
That bastard. I turned to look at Brian and tried to fix what I assumed would be a loving gaze on him and said, “Well, it’s certainly not as magical as the two of you, but—”
“I hadn’t had sex with a drag queen,” Brian said. “So we had shots and then Helena blew me in the men’s bathroom and then we—
ow
. Sandy, you’re squeezing my hand really
hard
—”
“And so I am,” I said, slamming back another mimosa. “Oops.”
“Wow,” Darren said. “I see that you’re keeping it classy as always.”
“Like you would know anything about
class
,” I snapped at him. “How many warnings have you gotten against fucking someone at Jack It?”
He arched an eyebrow. It wasn’t devastating in the slightest. “Seven.”
“This is just like my telenovela
Reina de Corazones
,” Nana said excitedly. “There are beautiful people, intrigue, and someone with a mustache is about to get slapped. Except… no one… here has… a mustache. Huh. That’s what disappointment tastes like. Palpable.”
“Is that the one with the hot guy from that one thing that had all the people doing the stuff and things?” Corey asked.
“Exactly,” Nana said. “You’re so good at remembering hot guys. It’s like you have a superpower.”
“It’s my gift,” Corey said. “But it’s also my curse. With great power comes great hot guys.”
“Your life is hard.”
“It really is.”
“Speaking of hot guys,” Nana said, “you’re going to have to start watching
Tierra de Reyes
with me as well. It has hot Mexican cowboy brothers whose smolder makes me
muy
caliente
in my
pantalones
.”
“I like hot Mexican cowboy brothers,” Corey said. “And hot pants. Or whatever you just said.”
“I know, dear,” Nana said. “We all do. It’s the horses. And the chaps. And the mustaches.”
“And then we’ll have to move to a bigger house,” Vince said to no one in particular. “Probably one that has three or four bedrooms because we’ll have to have a girl and a boy and then a gender-fluid child who can make up their own mind as to what they want to be when they grow up.”
“How progressive,” Corey said.
Paul rolled his eyes. “This is what happens when he accidentally watches documentaries on Netflix while trying to find episodes of
Family Guy
. Three weeks ago, he thought gender-fluidity meant co-ed synchronized swimming.”
“Better accidental gender-fluidity than none at all,” Corey said.
“You’ve broken him,” Paul said to Larry. “You’ve broken my boyfriend. I just got him how I wanted him and now you’re trying to mess with his settings. Do you know how much work I had to put into this? Like,
over a year
.”
“You want children,” Larry whispered to Vince. “You want to have so many children. You want them to call me Pappy and you want to do it soon. Listen to my voice, Vince, and only my—”
“Larry,” Matty said. “Stop trying to brainwash Vince. You’re upsetting Paul. You know how shrill he gets when he’s upset. Honestly.”
“I don’t get
shrill
,” Paul said shrilly.
“See?” Matty said. “Octavius and Brian, please ignore this whole thing. We’re not normally like this.”
“That’s not true at all,” Nana said. “This is normal for this family. I blame Instagram. No one cares about photos of your spinach and kale salad, you hipsters.”
“How unfortunate,” Octavius said, once again British. “Especially given all the pulp. And the trans fats. Though, I suppose if you’re going to
be
a commoner, you might as well
eat
like one.”
“Lovely,” I said. “You’re just lovely. Darren, I can see why you picked him.”
“Brian,” Darren said, “I didn’t think you were the dating type.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I—”
“—just couldn’t resist,” I said, kicking him under the table. “You know how it is. Sometimes you just click.”
“So much bodily harm,” Brian muttered with a wince. “But, uh, yeah. Clicked. We clicked.”
“So you’re dating now,” Darren said flatly.
“Oh, I wouldn’t go
that
far,” I said. “We’re taking it day by day.”
“Help me,” Brian whispered to Corey.
“Not even if you begged me,” Corey said. “I had to walk in and see your balls this morning. I was not prepared for morning balls. It’s something I have to work my way up to.”
“I saw them too,” Paul said. “They looked smooth.”
“I shave regularly.” Brian shrugged as Vince glared at him.
“It’s fine.” Paul kissed Vince on the cheek. “I like yours the best.”
Vince looked particularly smug at that. As he rightly should.
“This has been just wonderful,” Nana said. “I’m so glad we’re not one of those boring families who get together and talks about
real
issues like Ebola or Jesus.”
“I feel like so much has happened,” Matty said. “New friends, models, sexual acts described about people I’ve come to think of as my children and I really, really regret hearing about. All before noon on the Lord’s day. I could use a nap.”
“Maybe have like four or five kids,” Larry said to Vince. “You could start your own band or trapeze artist troupe. The Awesomely Amazing Austers. Because you would have to take Paul’s last name as a sign of love and trust to your submissive. Also, your children would need to have the Auster name as we came from a long line of German peanut farmers and we need to honor them because we’re all nuts.”
Matty snickered. “My handsome comedian.”
“Four or five?” Vince squeaked. “How would we
feed
them all?”
“With the peanuts,” Larry said, like it was obvious.