“Not since 2003,” I said. “I tried Ecstasy once. Paul found me rubbing my hands against a stucco wall and talking about how I wished I could get naked with it. I never did drugs again.”
His eyes bulged slightly.
“Right,” I said with a nod. “I don’t see how that’s relevant to the conversation either. My bad.”
“Sandy,” he growled. “What the
fuck
are you talking about?”
“So,” I said, “funny story. Mike may have told me that the bar is going to close due to a secret government conspiracy against gays or something disguised as a contract dispute. I’ll be honest, I’m a little fuzzy on the details because I didn’t expect to be explaining this to you. The gist of it is, I need to seduce you so you’ll go convince your dad to allow Jack It to remain open, and then I’ll be Miss Gay America and live happily ever after.”
He put his face in his hands and groaned.
“Yeah,” I said. “I might not be explaining this as well as I should have. That’s on me. Look, why don’t we just sleep on this and we’ll talk about it next month sometime. Or never. Or you can just help me anyway and we won’t have to talk about it at all. Either way works for me.”
“Oh no,” he said with a bitter laugh. “That’s not going to happen. You are going to explain
everything
down to the
smallest
detail.”
I frowned at him. “I pretty much just did.”
“Sandy.” He sounded slightly pained. “I came here to talk about the wedding between my brother and your best friend. In response, you then told me you needed to suck my cock to save a gay bar. Can you
see
the disconnect here?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course that’s the part you’d focus on, you Neanderthal. Maybe start thinking with your big head instead of your little head.”
“There’s nothing
little
—”
“La la la, don’t care! And wipe that stupid smug grin off your face. It’s gross and no one wants to see that. I will karate chop your face off if you try anything, don’t think I won’t. I was on Groupon and I found a discounted self-defense class that I went to one time, so I know my shit.”
“Oh yes,” he said. “That Groupon karate class you went to one time. How intimidating.”
“Are you
arguing
with me about having your way with me?” I said incredulously.
“What? No! Jesus Christ.”
“Just Sandy will be fine,” I said, because I was an asshole.
He was annoyed, which made me happy. “Explain, Sandy.
Now
.”
“Ooh, you’re getting all growly—”
“Sandy!”
“Right, right.” I began to pace in front of him, unsure of where to start. “Okay, so your dad is an asshole.”
Darren snorted and folded his arms over his chest. “Noted.”
“And there’s Renew Tucson.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. “The revitalization project that’s been going nowhere for years.”
“It’s going somewhere,” I assured him.
“Really.”
“And there are contracts!”
“So, essentially, you’re going to give me this in bits and pieces at a time,” Darren said. “Because of course you would.”
“Like a puzzle,” I agreed. “And shut up. I wasn’t planning on having it go this way. I’m flustered and
no
, it’s not because of
you
.”
“Right,” he said dryly. “You were just going to seduce me to get me to do your bidding. Because that’s how real life works and all. And you lasted what… two, three minutes? Way to see that one through. Your tenacity is astounding.”
“I’m spunky and quirky,” I groaned, barely resisting the urge to bang my head against the wall. “How is this my life?”
“Why do I get the impression you ask yourself that often?”
I glared at him. “You’re not helping.”
“Because I’m so inclined to help you right this second.”
“Hey! You should be. This is, like, super important.”
“Like, really?” he mocked. “Like,
super
important?”
I scowled at him. “You’re a fucking asshole.”
“Pot. Kettle.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” I said dismissively. “This will never work.”
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t even know what
this
is.”
Rather than have us dance in this vicious circle any longer (and honestly, I was pressed for time as it was), I gave him the highlights as I remembered them from my conversation with Mike. The more I spoke, the more ridiculous the entire thing sounded and I swore that one day, I’d have my revenge against Mike for even involving me in something so stupid.
However, that didn’t stop me from milking it probably more than I should have. “And he threatened me,” I sighed.
“He what?” Darren asked, jaw clenching.
“Told me I’d never find work as a queen again unless I did this.” I stood near the balcony, hoping it looked like I was gazing into nothingness, contemplating a terrible future where I wasn’t a queen. “And if I
did
do this, regardless of the outcome, he’d pay my way for the Miss Gay America pageant.”
“So, naturally, you agreed.”
“Naturally. I’m a queen, Darren. It’s who I am.”
“Oh boy,” he said. “That didn’t sound dramatic at all.”
“Look, are you going to help me, or not?”
“Help you?” He laughed. “Do you realize how stupid this is? What are you, an eighties movie?”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I snapped at him. “But I can’t let this place close, Darren. I can’t. This bar helped to make me who I am. Vaguyna loved this place and she would be
devastated
to find out it was in danger of closing. And I would never be able to live with myself without knowing I did everything I could to keep this open. Now, if you’re not going to help me, then please see yourself out. I have a show tonight and I’m in the wrong headspace for it because your face is pissing me off.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t going to help,” he pointed out. “In fact, I haven’t really gotten a chance to say much of anything.”
God, he was the most frustrating man on the
planet
. “Then by all means, exalted one. Speak.”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe if you’d just
asked
me, I would have said yes?”
I blinked at him. “What.”
“I don’t know what kind of an asshole you take me for—”
“A big one. A big asshole is what I take you for.”
“—but I know how much this place means to you.”
“And so you’re saying that if I’d just asked, you would have helped me.”
He shrugged.
“Okay,” I said, feeling relieved. “I can do that. Darren, I need your help.”
“No,” he said.
“Excuse me?”
“That’s the way you
should
have gone,” he said, an annoying smirk on his face. “But you chose to go the path of most resistance like some cartoon villain. So no, I’m not going to do that.”
“Then what the hell are you still doing here?” I asked, curling my hands into fists to keep from reaching out and punching his uvula. It was a battle I almost lost because my inner black woman wanted to bring the
pain
.
He took a step toward me. “You thought it’d be a good idea to fake date me.” He took another step. “That you were somehow going to seduce me, take advantage of me being related to some jackass and the position of my employment.” Another step. “And then, once you got what you wanted you would just, what?” His voice rose and became an approximation of my own, light and airy and with a bit of a lisp, the jackass. “It’s not you, it’s me. I swear.” He took another step and dropped his voice back to its usual dark timbre. “That sound about right, Sandy?” He stopped right in front of me, his chest almost touching mine.
“More or less,” I said rather stiffly. “But to be fair, it sounded a lot less bad when Mike was saying it. So of course you would make it sound just awful. Because that’s what you do. To
everything
.”
“That right?”
“Yes. And since you’re not going to help me—”
“Oh, I’m going to help you,” he said, and didn’t
that
just send chills down my spine.
“What?” I asked, even though I didn’t really want the answer.
He arched an eyebrow at me.
I was confused, and this back and forth was pissing me off. “But you just
said
—”
“I’m not going to go about this the way I could have if you’d just come to me,” he said, that smirk showing a hint of teeth.
“But I
did
come to you and—”
“And offered to suck my cock,” he said, and goddammit, he should
not
be saying something like that so close to me. I glanced briefly at his lips because they were
right there
and if anything, that smirk widened into something truly and magnificently evil. “Right. I remember. Because how could I forget something like that?”
“Yes, well, I don’t see what that has to do with anythi—”
“So, here’s what’s going to happen,” he said, as if I hadn’t been speaking at all. “We’re going to go through with your original plan.”
And that… did not compute. “What.”
“We’re going to fake date,” he said. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to fake date the hell out of you.”
“
What
.”
“And you’re going to play along,” he said, voice even and smooth. “No one’s going to know this isn’t real aside from you, me, and Mike, or the deal’s off.”
“Are you out of your goddamned
mind
?”
“Hey,” he said easily. “This was your idea. I’m just going with it.”
“It was
not
, it was—”
“So, we’ll fake date,” Darren said, and I wanted to punch him in the fucking
mouth
. “We’ll figure out how to save Jack It. And maybe we’ll even have time to help Vince and Paul with their wedding. In fact, until March, it looks like it’s going to be the Darren and Sandy show.”
“Oh please,” I said. “It’d be the Sandy and Darren show because I
obviously
would get top billing over you and—
why am I even arguing about this
?” I reached up and poked him in his considerable chest. The muscles were firm underneath the shirt. I swore I could feel the heat from his skin under my fingertip. Not that it mattered because I had to get control of this situation back. “Why are you doing this? What’s your angle, Mayne? What’s in it for you?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” he said with a rakish grin that I
despised
.
“No.” I took a step back. “Absolutely not. I won’t do this. I have
some
morals after all. Not a lot, but some. Okay, not really, but I’m going to
try
to have them right now. It’s my New Year’s resolution.”
“It’s October.”
“
It’s never too late to start
. I don’t want to do this with you. I don’t.”
Something flashed over his expression, something that I couldn’t quite make out, before he schooled his face into its usual cocky mask. He shrugged as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “Doesn’t matter to me one way or another.” He turned and headed toward the stairs.
Good. This was good. I’d gotten the upper hand back. He would leave, and hopefully, I would never have to see him again.
“Just thought maybe this place meant more to you,” he called over his shoulder.
And fuck him. Fuck him for saying something like that to me. Because it was the truth. It was the only reason I had agreed with Mike to begin with (well, that and the money). And Darren knew that, knew
exactly
what to say to make me do what I did next. “Goddammit,” I muttered. Then, right when his hand touched the doorknob, “Wait.”
He paused but didn’t turn around. Like a douche.
“If we do this, there are going to be some ground rules,” I said.
His shoulders shook and it took me a moment to realize he was
laughing
at me.
And because I could, I picked up an old makeup brush from the vanity and chucked it at the back of his head. I had perfect aim and it bounced off his skull. He whirled around with a glare. I batted my eyelashes at him.
“Rules,” I said.
“Fine,” he said as he began to stalk toward me again. “Rules.”
“Rule one, you don’t touch me unless I invite you to,” I said.
“Rule two,” he said, “rule one is stupid because if we’re boyfriends, then I can touch you anytime I want.”
“Fine, no
inappropriate
touching. And we’re
fake
boyfriends.”
“Define inappropriate.”
“You’ll find out when I break your fingers.”
He grinned.
“Rule three,” I said through gritted teeth as he came to stand before me again. “No trying to sabotage this at any point. I know seven ways to murder a man and before you die, I’ll show you all seven.”
“Wouldn’t the first one kill me since it’s a way to murder me?”
“
All seven
,” I hissed at him.
“Rule four,” he said, that smirk coming back. “We go out together.”
Ugh. That sounded terrible. “Only in public where people can see us,” I amended. “No inviting me to your house where I assume the bedroom smells like twink jizz and sadness.”
He shrugged. “It also smells like vanilla. Because of the scented candles.”
“You have scented candles.”
“Well, yeah. I
am
gay, you know.”
“Huh. That doesn’t quite fit in with my view of you. Though, I suppose you can have scented candles and still have mirrors on your ceiling above your bed and slots on your bedposts meant specifically for handcuffs.”
“Wow.” He cocked his head at me. “You sure seem to spend a lot of time thinking about my bedroom.”
“Rule five,” I said, refusing to be baited. “You can’t fuck twinks while this is going on.”
“Rule six,” he said. “You can’t fuck homo jocks while this is going on.”
“Rule seven, you can’t fuck
anyone
while this is going on.”
“Rule eight, neither can
you
.”
“
Fine
. Rule nine, no sex at all. With anyone.” And then, as an afterthought, “Or me.”