“Love knows no restraints of language,” Darren said.
“Oh my god,” Corey said. “I think I almost just swooned at that. Purple me with your prose. Just purple it all over me.”)
Now, Darren knew who the Queen was, and knew her biting tongue and rapier wit was a shield she’d built up around her to protect her heart and soul from ever being hurt by another. The Queen was fierce, and he knew that maybe she’d gotten the wrong impression of him. After all, Darren was somewhat kind and mostly loving and really good in bed. He had nice abs and didn’t chew his fingernails. He also had a diversified stock portfolio, a 401(k), and 1500-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets bought at Macy’s when they weren’t even on sale. So yes, Darren was a catch and it wasn’t his fault that the Queen couldn’t see that.
(“Oh, bae,” I said. “None of that stuff matters to me.” Because I didn’t give two shits about anything he had.
“I know,” he said. “Because all that matters is what’s in my heart.”
I wanted to fucking punch him in the dick for that one. Because it almost hurt.)
So he held the drag queen in his arms and said, “What’s going on? Are you all right?”
The drag queen said, “Oh, Darren. It’s you! It’s really you! How I have longed to be in your arms just like this.”
“I know,” Darren said. Because he did.
(“What,” I said flatly.
“You know,” Paul said. “That actually sounds like something Sandy would say.”
“It does
not
,” I snapped.
“I could see it,” Vince said.
“Me too,” Corey said.
“You know what?” I said. “Fine. It’s my turn to pick up the story again.”
“I didn’t even get to the best part!” Darren said.
“Which is?”
“Where you squeezed my biceps and giggled like a little girl.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I muttered.)
The drag queen most certainly did
not
giggle like a little—
(“Are we all ready to order?” Santiago said, appearing out of nowhere and interrupting my story. “Vince? Darren? The rest of you who I don’t know nor do I care about?”
“You know, that should hurt my feelings more than it did,” Corey said. “I don’t know what that says about me that it didn’t.”
“It means you’re immune to twinks,” I said. “That’s a good place to be. Darren wouldn’t know anything about that. He’s just
rife
with twinks.”
“Not anymore.” Darren gazed into my eyes. “Because of love. The love I have for you.”
I almost threw up a little bit in my mouth, but the others bought it completely if their sighs had anything to say about it. I couldn’t believe he was Daniel Day-Lewising everyone. It seemed impossible in the face of my Meryl, but he was quickly gaining the upper hand.
“I have lots of love to give,” Santiago said. “Darren probably remembers all about that. Right, Darren? Do you remember it? You ate peanut butter off my ass.”
“It’s like he has no shame,” Corey said. “It has to be a medical condition. Like, a thyroid issue or something. There has to be a medical explanation for the way he exists.”
“You ate peanut butter off his ass?” I said to Darren. “My god. You classy bitch. I treasure all our moments together. Our future is going to be lovely. You are not putting peanut butter on me at any point, you weirdo.”
“It wasn’t my idea,” Darren said, sounding grumpy as all hell. “Do I need to remind you again of the thread count of my very expensive sheets? And I didn’t actually
do
it. He picked up chunky peanut butter, put it on his ass, and it looked disgusting so I made him wash it off and leave.”
“With a promise to call him,” I said.
He rolled his eyes.
“You’ll never eat anything off my ass,” I said.
“Won’t matter as long as I can eat your ass instead.” He grinned widely.
“
Hup
,” Paul gagged. “
Hup
.
Hup
.”
“Bae, you’re making Paul sick,” I said.
“He just doesn’t understand our love.”
“I don’t think anyone would understand it,” I agreed.
“So, ordering?” Santiago asked. “Not ordering? Sexual favors? Anyone?”
“Come back later,” I said. “I was in the middle of a story about how Darren was in love with me and pining and couldn’t let me go without confessing. He even cried a little.”
Santiago threw his hands up in the air and walked away from our table.
“Dude,” Vince said to his brother. “You
cried
?”
“Like, full-on tears,” I said gleefully. “He had so many feelings.”
Darren pulled me to him and wrapped his arm around my neck, his lips near my ear. “I will fucking destroy you,” he growled.
“Promises, promises,” I whispered back and because I could, I let my lips trail along his jaw. He stiffened slightly and I could have sworn I heard a low groan, but I couldn’t be sure. He didn’t stop me as I pulled away. “Now. Where was I? Oh yes. Tears and feelings.”)
The Homo Jock King held the Queen in his arms and his lip quivered.
(“It did
not
!”)
His lip
quivered
and he said, “I’ve always wanted to touch you like this.”
The Queen cocked an eyebrow because she was totally in control of the situation and was slightly taken aback that the Homo Jock King was already sort of crying. “Is that right?”
“Yes. You see, I’ve never seen true beauty until I looked upon your face.”
The Queen, used to such compliments, said, “Tone it down, Darren. You’re coming off as a little desperate. I’m not dropping my panties for you right now, no matter how hard you try.”
“I’m so sorry,” Darren said. “Sometimes, with all my muscles that I have because I work out fifteen times a day as I’m overcompensating for things I’d rather not talk about, I forget what it means to not be desperate. In fact, I’m pretty much desperate all the time. Desperate for you.”
(“
What
?” Darren barked. “That doesn’t even sound like me!”
“It doesn’t?” I asked. “Are you sure? Because I distinctly remember it happening exactly that way.”
“I don’t work out fifteen times a day!”
“Once, fifteen, same difference. Do you really need to do squats?”
“You weren’t complaining when I was squatting on your dick,” he said.
“Cannot be unheard,” Corey breathed.
And for some reason, I couldn’t get
that
image out of my head. Because Darren had tree-trunk thighs and… just. How would they look if he was doing something like that? I mean, inquiring minds wanted to know. Not me specifically, but. You know. Just general knowledge. That I wouldn’t mind having. About his thighs.
Shut up.
“Since Sandy’s brain seems to be fried,” Darren said, “I’ll take back over.”
Thiiiighs.)
Darren worked out only once a day. Maybe twice, if he needed to feel vascular. Nothing more. And his lips never quivered, nor did his eyes glisten. And he definitely didn’t need to compensate for anything because he was all good there. More than good. He most definitely had his fair share. Everyone said so. And he wasn’t desperate for the Queen. Not at all. He was cool, calm, and completely in control of the situation.
The Queen, however, was shaking in his arms like a leaf in the wind.
“What’s wrong?” Darren growled, his voice deep and masculine and perfect.
“Oh, Darren,” the Queen said, breath hitching in her chest. “I just… I just realized that I’m overwhelmed by all of these… these
feelings
I have for you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before about anyone.”
“Feelings?” Darren asked. Because sure, if he was pressed, he would admit that he’d thought about the Queen that way. But he most certainly didn’t know
feelings
were involved. Darren wasn’t about
feelings
. He was a man of action and reaction. He didn’t have time for feelings, but damn if this queen didn’t make him want to. He’d been hurt in the past, and buried these so-called
feelings
deep under his rough exterior.
“It’s like I’m burning from the inside out,” the Queen said, her pretty eyes filling with tears as she whimpered. “I ache for you. Sometimes when I’m by myself, I think things about you.” The Queen leaned forward, bosom rising up and falling back. “
Sexual
things.”
(“I didn’t say that!” I snapped at him. “Why aren’t you telling them what really happened? My bosom wasn’t
rising
.”
“This
is
what really happened,” he said. “You told me you burned for me. You were
burning
.”
“Paul,” I said. “Does that really sound like something I would say?” If anyone knew, it’d be him. He knew me best. He’d know the truth. He was my best friend and I loved him dearly.
“Well,” Paul said, hedging.
That
bitch
.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “What do you mean
well
?”
He shrugged. “It’s not really outside the realm of possibility. I mean, remember all those bodice rippers you used to read when we were teenagers? You went around for months claiming to be a fiery duchess who was going to meet her surly prince one day and get into, and I quote, ‘shenanigans of an adult variety.’ End quote.”
“Yes, well,” I said with a sniff. “I obviously had good taste, so.”
“Obviously,” Darren said. “You were burning for me. Can I finish, please?”
“Fine. But you’d better get it right this time.”)
The Queen was sobbing in his arms.
(“Darren!”)
The Queen was kind of crying a little bit in his arms. Darren didn’t know what to do. He thought maybe he should just turn around and walk away. It’d be easier. His life had been hard and filled with man pain and suffering. He was a lone wolf. A solitary creature. A man on a mission to be alone, to never have to give his cold metal heart away to another for fear it be returned, shattered beyond repair.
“Baby,” Darren said. “We don’t have time for those tears. It’ll do us both no good. Dry those eyes before you break.”
“But,
Darren
,” the Queen cried. “I can’t help it! When I’m around you, all I want to do is scream for you to take me.
Take
me because I’ve always been yours. Why can’t you just look at me and
love
me!”
Darren took a step back, trying to put some distance between the two of them. The Queen was beautiful, yes, and maybe his cold metal heart was starting to beat once more, but he didn’t know if he could take the chance. The risk might be far too great. He had a past, a dark past that could threaten to overwhelm the both of them if—
(“Okay,” I said. “Seriously. What the hell are you even talking about?”
“My dark past and man pain,” Darren said as if I was stupid. “I’m setting the scene to show why I was so reluctant to get involved but you were crying and sad when I was just trying to push you away to protect you.”
“Dark past and
man
pain?”
“How much of this actually happened?” Corey whispered to Paul.
“Seventy percent,” Paul whispered back. “No. Wait. Twenty-three percent.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me about your dark past and man pain?” Vince asked, sounding confused. “I mean, I knew all about the way you wanted—”
“Wanted to forget all about the dark past and man pain,” Darren interrupted. “That’s exactly right. Thanks, Vince. For bringing that up. At this moment.”
Vince stared at him funny.
Paul just sighed.
“You know what?” I said. “No. Just no. You are
not
turning my love story into your soliloquy of mangst.”
Soliloquy of mangst
, Darren mouthed to Vince, who just shrugged. “And what happened to this being
our
love story?”
“Yeah, you gave up that right as soon as you started telling a shit story.”
“A
shit
story? Now wait just a goddamn—”
“Nope. Sorry. No time to listen to you. What
really
happened was that the Queen—”)
The Queen saw the Homo Jock King was starting to break down. She was supremely embarrassed for him, so, for lack of a better option, she dragged him by the arm and up the stairs into the Queen’s Lair. She hoped he understood just how important it was for him to be up here, because she normally didn’t let a commoner such as him into her sacred space.
(“Yeah, except you already did let him in your sacred space, if you know what I mean.”
“Shut
up
, Corey!”)
Once the Homo Jock King, a broken, beaten-down shell of a man, realized where he stood, he looked back toward the Queen, who stood regally on her balcony, surveying her minions below.
“What place is this?” he asked her.
“This is my lair,” she said, a breeze blowing and making her hair and gowns billow around her.
(“Wait, why were things billowing? And why the hell were you wearing a gown? You know what? You weren’t even Helena when we found you in the Lair. Shouldn’t you be calling yourself Sandy?”
“Paul.”
“Yes, Sandy?”
“I’m trying. To tell. A mother
fucking story
.”
“Sorry, Sandy.”)
The Queen was
billowing
because it looked cool and epic and shit and everyone knows that queens should be allowed to billow whenever they want. The light was hitting her just right too and everyone was in awe of her, as they should have been. Her minions below were clapping and chanting her name while the Homo Jock King broke down behind her. It was a glorious moment that would forever be remembered because the Queen was awesome and amazing and no one could say otherwise.
Eventually, the Homo Jock King stopped crying and she turned back to face him.
“Feeling better?” the Queen asked.
“Yes,” he said, sniffling. “I am just so taken with you that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t deserve you. What would a creature such as yourself want with a peasant like me?”
“That’s a good question,” the Queen said. “I have no fucking idea, but there it is, I guess.”
“But you do?” the Homo Jock King said. “You do want me? To be mine for all of eternity?”