Authors: Kim Newman
INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 34.
APPLICANT:
Shona Murtaugh, 24
FOR MYTHWRHN:
Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
WENDEL: So, Shona...
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]
WENDEL: I beg your pardon.
MURTAUGH: ‘So, Shona’. Sounds funny like that. [high-pitched giggles] Are you all right. Look like you’ve swallowed a lemon, you do.
WENDEL: It’ll pass.
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles] [noise of glasses and bottles rattling on table]
WENDEL: I beg your pardon.
MURTAUGH: You’re funny, you are. You’ve got to have a laugh, haven’t you, though. [high-pitched giggles]
WENDEL: It’s not actually a physiological necessity, but there may be some psychological explanation.
MURTAUGH: You what? You talk mental, you do. [high-pitched giggles]
CHISELHURST: We were interested in your sexual history.
MURTAUGH: [extremely high-pitched giggles]
CHISELHURST: Well, Shona, we were. You seem to have been an unusually busy girl.
MURTAUGH: I just like... [high-pitched giggles]
WENDEL: We’re not here to judge you.
MURTAUGH: Yes, you are. To see if I’m right for your show. [noise of bracelets clattering]
WENDEL: Well, of course, in that sense, you’re right.
MURTAUGH: You should watch what you say. People might think you were taking liberties. People might not like that. People might not like that at all, thank you very much indeed. I should cocoa. [thump on table]
WENDEL: I apologise.
MURTAUGH: So you should, so you should. [high-pitched giggles] I can’t help it. It’s your face. You look like a bearded collie. I think I’ll wet my knickers. I’m mad, me. You must think I’m dreadful. Sorry. [faint grinding of teeth]
LARK: Others have noted the, ah, resemblance between Dr Wendel and a dog.
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles] I’ll do myself an injury at this rate. You’re a funny mob, aren’t you. Not outright funny like Jim Davidson, but it’s the way you say things, all sly and clever but with hidden meanings. It’s all there, isn’t it? You must have enough cleverness to get to the moon in this room, eh? All to get to the bottom of me. It don’t seem right. I should be trying to get to the bottom of you.
TREECE: You’re not working at the moment.
MURTAUGH: I was sacked from my last place, at the DSS. Went from one side of the counter to the other. Something will come along. It always does. I’m good at getting jobs, not so good at keeping them. [high-pitched giggles] This is like a job interview, isn’t it?
WENDEL: There are similarities. But there are differences.
MURTAUGH: That sounds cryptic. [high-pitched giggles] So, do I get it?
CHISELHURST: You’re short-listed, certainly.
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]
CHISELHURST: April will show you out.
MURTAUGH: Ta ta for now. [noise of leaving]
TREECE: What was that girl on? Laughing gas?
LARK: Every time she went off, I felt it in my fillings. It’s quite extraordinary.
TREECE: All the dogs in the area have gone mad.
CHISELHURST: I think she’s a natural for
It’s a Madhouse!.
TREECE: You can’t put Shona on television, Tiny. There’d be bomb threats.
CHISELHURST: Ape, that girl is a star. Her funeral will be bigger than Diana’s.
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 41.
APPLICANT:
MARTIN LEIGH, 39
FOR MYTHWRHN:
Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
LEIGH: Prison’s not so bad, once you’ve made your mark. You just have to let them know where you are on the totem pole. You pick out some old villain, some big nob from years ago who still thinks he’s got it, and you take him apart. Mark his face, put him in the infirmary, get the boot in. Then you take what was his, make it yours. Earn some respect. You can come out ahead, if you’ve got good currency. Fags and smack, mostly, but you can build an empire on a good source of chocolate.
TREECE: You have a lot of tattoos.
LEIGH: More than you can see. Turns you on, does it? All the birds like ink. And, inside, some of the fellers. You’d think it’d make a difference, but after a while. Well, one hole’s as good as another.
WENDEL: And so, how long were you a warder?
LEIGH: About five years. After the Paras and the SAS wouldn’t have me, it seemed a decent option. You wouldn’t think the Paras and the SAS would be soft, would you? I’ve had ex-Paras on my block and made them whine and beg. Shows you how much tests and interviews count for anything.
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 72.
APPLICANT:
ANDREA D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES, 19
FOR MYTHWRHN:
Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
LARK: What are you looking for in a man, Andrea?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Good shoes are a sign.
LARK: Of what?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Status, you might call it. There are other giveaways. Like, if he has a good post code but only owns a flat. I mean, if he hasn’t got enough to buy a house by now, things are hardly likely to get better.
LARK: Do you believe in romance?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Yes, of course. But it’s easy to come by, isn’t it. There are always blokes falling over their willies to get to you. After a while, you have to impose stricter criteria. It’s not money in and of itself, it’s the things that come with it.
LARK: Do you believe in marriage?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Absolutely. That’s why I’m so careful about who I get married to. And about who I hop into bed with. It can’t be just anybody, you know.
TREECE: Andrea, why do you want to be on television?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Well, it’s advertising, isn’t it? I hope to make an impression on the right people.
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 108.
APPLICANT:
DONOVAN WYKE, 27
FOR MYTHWRHN:
Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
WENDEL: I put it to you, Donovan, that you are a habitual fantasist, a chancer who drifts through life dreaming of the big scores but inevitably botches even the petty scams, a bloodsucker who has exploited and betrayed every human connection you have ever made, a man unable to understand even the concepts of honour and fidelity, a compulsive liar with no conscience about wild promises made and broken, a congenital screw-up who is lucky not to have been knifed in an alley or wound up living on the streets begging for spare change to feed your crack habit.
WYKE: Well, I suppose if you were being hardcore about it, but there are explanations.
CHISELHURST: Welcome to
Its a Madhouse!,
Donny.
WYKE: You won’t regret this. I can promise you that.
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 125.
APPLICANT:
PETRA KIDNER, 22
FOR MYTHWRHN:
Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
KIDNER: There’s just something sexy about fire. I feel it in my clit, in my nipples, in the scar tissue on my inner thigh and upper back. I love everything about fire. The smoke, the flames, the heat, the crackle. Every month, I take off my eyebrows. See. The pain is there, a part of it, but very minor. I just like to see things burn.
LARK: Things?
KIDNER: Things,
mostly.
But there’s nothing like it, you know. The smell, the texture, the taste. Burning flesh. It gets to me. Does that make me weird? I’m not, you know. I like a cup of tea and
EastEnders
and always send my Mum a box of chocs on Mother’s Day. Some girls love one particular pop group or a particular type of bloke. With me, it’s different. It’s fire.
LARK: So what is your favourite pop song?
KIDNER: [laughs] What else? Jose Feliciano, ‘Come on Baby, Light My Fire’.
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 128.
APPLICANT:
JOSHUA BREW, 22
FOR MYTHWRHN:
Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
CHISELHURST: You complained that we hadn’t responded to your entry form?
BREW: IT’S NOT
RIGHT
THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE
TREATED THAT WAY.
CHISELHURST: We explained that your form was lost in the post.
BREW: YES, I ACCEPT THAT
NOW.
CHISELHURST: But when you phoned the duty officer, you made quite an impression. That’s a distinctive voice you’ve got there.
BREW: WHEN YOU’RE USED TO PREACHING THE
WORD OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST
AT
HEATHEN POP FESTIVALS,
YOU NEED A BIT OF
LUNG POWER.
I DO BREATHING
EXERCISES.
CHISELHURST: You’ll forgive me for saying this, but you don’t seem like the normal type of young person we’ve been seeing for this show.
BREW: JUST BECAUSE I’M A
CHRISTIAN
DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T LIKE A ‘
GOOD TIME’
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT YOUTH. I OWN MANY
CLIFF RICHARD
COMPACT DISCS. I CAN JIVE WITH THE BEST OF THEM. SOME OF OUR
CHRISTIAN YOUTH MOVEMENT
EVENINGS ARE EVERY BIT AS
WILD
AS A RAVE. WE PLAY CHARADES AND DRINK
CIDER
.
TREECE: Kickin’.
BREW: OH YES. BUT MY MAIN INTEREST IS BATTLING
THE DEVIL
WHEREVER I FIND HIS
EVIL WORKS.
I WON’T TOLERATE
SATAN
IN ANY OF HIS MANY FORMS. THAT I CAN
GUARANTEE.
MEMO
From:
April Treece, production associate.
To:
Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
Re:
It’s a Madhouse!
Disaster! Donger Bennett, our prize plonker, the man we most want to see on
It’s a Madhouse!,
has found ‘true lurve’ and wants to back out. Apparently, there’s someone out there blind stupid enough to marry him. One Maxine Evenson, another estate agent. They’ll probably breed! It’s too horrible! We have a contract, we could sue, but that could lead to publicity, which might lead to Derek the Antichrist having us killed. NB: that last bit was a joke! Please advise.
MEMO
From:
Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
To:
April Treece, assistant producer
Re:
It’s a Madhouse!
Make an appointment for a house viewing with Miss Evenson, and claim to be Donger’s last fiancée - I know that’s going to be disgusting for you, but maximum brownie points are involved - with only her best interests at heart. Play her a snippet of the initial interview tape, to wit:
LARK: You’ve never been married?
BENNETT: I’ve been engaged a couple of times, if that’s what it takes to get the cork to pop.
Then present her with the background check dossier we assembled before offering him the contract. You might highlight in pink the more significant sentences. Tell her you had the dossier done when he proposed, like a survey before buying a house. If she’s another bloody estate agent, she’ll understand. If this is handled quickly, the crisis will fizzle. Trust me.
MEMO
From:
April Treece, co-associate producer.
To:
Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
Re:
It’s a Madhouse!
Maxine Evenson is out of Donger Bennett’s life, lucky girl. On my own initiative, I ordered Claire to call on the Donger for a follow-up interview, which means we owe her hazard pay. While fighting him off and, we trust, not lying back and thinking of television, she let him see suitably cropped and doctored photographs of Andrea Double-Barrel, Miss Giggly and Petra the Pyro. Donger is extremely keen to climb back into the Madhouse. It’s my hope he gets on especially well with Martin ‘Lockdown’ Leigh.
PRODUCTION MEETING, No. 54
PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS:
Tiny Chiselhurst (Producer), Phil Bender (Director), Barry Gatlin (Presenter), Constant Drache (Designer), April Treece (Production Assistant), Claire Bates (Researcher), Davinda Paquignet (Researcher).
PRESENT, for CLOUD 9 TELEVISION:
Derek Leech (Supremo), Heather Wilding (Executive Expediter), Basil Quilbert (Security)
CHISELHURST: You’ve all seen the highlights reel we put together of the video interviews. Incidentally, you’ll notice we got coverage of the room from three angles. The traditional behind-the-mirror shot was augmented by prototypes of the secret cams we’ll be using for
Madhouse!
None of the interviewees spotted either gadget, and here we had to install the equipment in an existing environment rather than being able to dress the set from the ground up as we will on location.
WILDING: One is in the light fitting. As for the other, I give up.
CHISELHURST: Behind the fire regulations notice.
WILDING: You’re recording now?
CHISELHURST: No. Davinda is taking minutes.
WILDING: Derek?
LEECH: That is acceptable.
CHISELHURST: So, how did you all like the tape? Do you see the potential.
GATLIN: MY FAVOURITE IS THE
CHRISTIAN!
PAQUIGNET: Ouch, my ears!
WILDING: We see potential, Tiny. The tape represents your best prospects for
Madhouse
?
CHISELHURST: We have a couple in back-up, but yes. Dr Wendel?
WENDEL: It’s not just a matter of getting the right people, but of getting the right mix. They can’t all be too samey. There has to be a demographic spread of class, age and sex types among the subjects.
WILDING: But, ugh, no oldies, right? This is yoof you’re giving us.
WENDEL: No one over thirty-five, indeed. And eighty per-cent under twenty-five. We built that early into the parameters of the experiment.
WILDING: Experiment?
CHISELHURST: It’s how Biffo the Boffin thinks. Heth, believe me, this is Light Entertainment, not Heavy Educational.
WILDING: Educational worries me. It’s a zapper prod. And so, frankly, are a lot of these people. Where did you get them?
CHISELHURST: They’re real people, Heth. They came in of their own accord.
WILDING: You must have recruited the prison guard... what was his name?
TREECE: Martin Leigh. Lockdown Leigh.