The Rainbow Maker's Tale (3 page)

No
.

I was taken aback by the
firmness of my unuttered statement. I didn’t want our
non-conversation
to end – I wanted her to stay. Without
thinking I spoke up, finding my old voice after years of silence.
It was the voice that wasn’t scared to be heard, that didn’t want
to remain invisible – I hoped that Cassie would stop and
answer.

“What did you think of the
exam?” My words rushed out in an eager half-jumble. It worked. She
paused and turned back, but did not look at me properly.

What does that mean?
So
much was inferred by Cassie’s body language, but I was so out of
practice at speaking with someone, I had no way to translate any
meaning beyond what she actually said.

“Not too bad really, but who
likes exams?” She smiled, shrugging lightly at the same time, as if
dismissing her own words.

Her response felt slightly
unnatural, like it was an automatic reply. I was still processing
this, when without thinking I blurted out the first thing that came
into my head.

“I quite like them.” I admitted
and then shrugged, unconsciously mimicking Cassie’s previous
movement before I could stop myself. I was speaking just to fill in
the gap and realised that I was saying what I thinking, without
pausing to edit. Now, I had to say something more to try and
explain myself, but as I hurried on I just knew I was making it
worse. “It’s something to do with the pressure I guess – and I kind
of enjoy the feeling of testing yourself – ”

Not the right thing to say, I
realised. Cassie’s mouth had dropped open and she stared at me like
I was crazy. Even though I regretted my unrevised honesty, I
couldn’t leave it alone. My first thought was that I had to make
amends, but I wasn’t sure how. This whole experience was highly
confusing for me. Cassie’s reactions were not at all
predictable.

“Are you OK?” I asked, finding
my voice finally. It was all I had to offer.

For a few seconds Cassie did
not answer. I had to admit, it might have been a lame thing to
confess, but I couldn’t see what was so horrendously offensive
about liking exams, to justify her continuing shock. Even if Cassie
did not agree with me, it was hardly the worst truth I could have
told her. I had plenty of others that sounded more crazy than true,
even though they were actually real. As Cassie hadn’t left the
room, I could only assume that she was planning to respond...at
some point.

“Yes – sorry,” she replied at
length, her lips curving into a small contrite smile as she
spoke.

I frowned. Again, I did not
understand what she would be apologising for and curiosity was
about to force me into asking when she continued.

“It’s just that I actually
do
like exams, pretty much for the reason you just said but
I’ve never thought that anyone else might feel like that and so I
would feel stupid saying it.”

“Oh right…” I was unsure how to
respond to her admission that we had something in common. I
certainly had not expected that. Then I heard her words again in my
head; she felt the same way I did, but thought that she was stupid
for doing so? That didn’t make sense. As I was mulling this over I
repeated her words aloud to myself: “…you would feel stupid saying
what I said…”

“No – not stupid,” Cassie
interrupted immediately, attempting to explain I thought.
“
It’s
not stupid – it just surprised me to hear you say
it
, I guess.” She was struggling.

“You don’t tell people the
truth,” I observed, my words sounding brusquer than I had intended
them to, although the fact remained: she said one thing but meant
another, based on what someone might think of that. It was an
interesting reversal of my own behaviour: I stayed quiet and
behaved one way, when in reality I wanted to do the complete
opposite, based on what people would think. I wanted to run and
scream and fight, but I didn’t.

I was so preoccupied by my
private musings on this that when Cassie replied her voice
surprised me. I realised I’d spoken aloud – not just inside my
head, as I was used to doing – and it had obviously offended
her.

“No – I mean yes – I do tell
people the truth. That’s not what I said.”

Her tone was defensive: she
must have heard the bluntness in my unintentional observation and
taken it as a criticism of her behaviour. It wasn’t her fault; it
was mine. It was a statement of fact uttered by someone who hadn’t
conversed with anyone – except himself – for a very long time.
How many misunderstandings could you get in one, short
dialogue?

“I didn’t mean to imply that
you
lied
to people.” I tried to clarify my earlier words,
finding it hard to meet Cassie’s angry gaze. As I searched my
suddenly empty brain for some something more, my nervous fingers
sought a diversion and found the strap of my bag as they had
before. They began ineffectually fiddling with the plastic clasp,
whilst I mumbled and stuttered incoherently. “I just meant that you
said something as though it was how you felt when you don’t feel
that way at all…I mean…” Words failed me. “Oh forget it, I don’t
know what I mean!” I tried to step past Cassie and escape into the
empty corridor outside. This whole conversation was a mistake! I
berated myself angrily.
You’re not right for this place – and
you don’t truly believe that she has answers to anything, that you
don’t already know. Just stop this nonsense and leave!

“Don’t worry about it,” I heard
Cassie murmur as I passed. She sounded cautious, but forgiving, not
annoyed. “I think I know what you meant.”

My feet paused, ignoring the
previous order to leave.

Was there more for me to
consider?

I had to acknowledge that this
young woman had an effect on me. Her anger made me apologetic; her
forgiveness made me happy. I smiled slightly, recognising a
sensation swelling inside me that had lain dormant for a long time.
Then I felt sad, understanding what I had actually become during
these last few years of my existence. My quest for the truth
overshadowed everything, and everyone.

The emotions and thoughts I
suppressed around others on the station had moulded me into this
empty vessel that moved alone through the routine of my daily life.
But, the truth of this had eluded me until now. In the presence of
this girl, I literally
knew
that I had been empty, because
in that moment I became aware of a peculiar feeling inside me of
filling up. Something nervous fluttered vaguely in my abdomen,
matching a sensation of expansion in my chest that was not
physical, but strangely
other
. It had taken me years to
subdue, but a few short sentences spoken with her and I remembered
something human about myself that I had repressed in pursuit of
something else.

Maybe the final answers I
sought lay in what I had hidden, and not what I found around
me?
It was an interesting idea, and one I had certainly not
explored before. For this reason alone, it might be worth talking
to Cassie.

“I think I know what you meant
too,” I said, feeling oddly confident as I turned back towards
Cassie. With my new objective clear, I intended to prolong our
encounter as long as possible and ignore the part of my conscience
that told me not to.

“Where are you going now?” I
sounded casual, not even having to work at being nonchalant.

“Now?” She seemed confused, as
though she were uncertain of what exactly I was asking of her. I
thought it best to clarify.

“Well – as much as you
love
examinations, I assume you don’t intend to spend the
rest of the day in the assessment room. Do you?” I was teasing her
I knew – but it didn’t feel impolite, more comical – another smile
began playing cheekily with my lips as I waited for her answer.

Cassie responded similarly, her
tone mocking. “I don’t know – I do really like it in here…”

To my surprise, I found myself
briefly entranced as her green eyes flared brightly on meeting
mine, and I had to roll my eyes – acknowledging her joke – to pull
myself free of them.

“I’m heading over to Park 17 –
most of the other classes end up there for a bit of a wind down
after the last exams.” She said.

The park…others…her
friends…
I nodded in understanding.

Right then, I probably should
have walked away. My only reasons for speaking with Cassie were
selfish, and it wasn’t fair to use a real, live person as part of
an experiment. I hated feeling like that myself, so how could I do
it to someone else? I could pretend this was for my own good: that
reaching out to someone, one last time, might be beneficial, before
I left the Family Quarter forever. That was a lie – and I
hated
lies.

Logically, I knew that we could
not be friends. Since Scarlett, I had not allowed anyone to get
close to me, and now – with what I was planning to do – there was
no point. Trying to be friends, for the sake of information, might
get Cassie into trouble, or even risk putting her in danger.

Knowing that all of this was
true – why did I not leave right then?

“Do you mind if I walk with
you?” I heard my voice speaking the words. It was an afterthought
when I assured myself it was
only
a walk.

“Of course,” Cassie
accepted.

I caught myself thinking that
her voice sounded eager as she answered. That was even worse: why
would I be hoping for that?

Standing aside in the corridor
to make space for her, Cassie stepped out to join me and we walked
away from the classroom side-by-side. I found myself glancing at
her, examining her features when I believed she wouldn’t see me.
Once or twice I thought I noticed her doing the same thing, peeking
carefully at me through her curtain of dark hair.

“Ahhhh,” I sighed loudly. I
couldn’t help myself: as we emerged from the dimly lit building
into the bright,
almost
natural daylight of the late
afternoon, I felt immediately better.

“What was that for?” Cassie
laughed, regarding at me with interest.

“The sunlight feels so good
after being trapped in that little room,” I grinned back, before
turning my face upward to fully capture the warm glow. It was nice
to share something – even such a tiny truth about myself – with
someone else. Realising this was a surprise.

My eyes closed and I focused
for a few seconds on the hot pinky-red colour of my eyelids, as
they were backlit by the afternoon sun. I inhaled deeply.

“And here’s me thinking that
you
love examinations
…
Trapped
doesn’t make it sound
like you enjoy them that much.”

Cassie was teasing: throwing my
own words back at me. It made me smile again.

“That’s just the room, not the
activity,” I explained, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight on my
face too much to turn away from it. My guard was clearly down
because when a question ambushed me a moment later I repeated it
aloud before I could stop myself. “Don’t you find that living here
is just…” I struggled for the word, trying to tie down what the
feeling I had was, “…claustrophobic sometimes?”

As soon as the words had passed
my lips I regretted them. Why would Cassie find the world as
negative a place as I did? In the same instant, another thought
struck me: now that I had said this aloud to someone else, I wanted
to explain myself. The compulsion to do so was undeniable.

“Even out here, I feel it
sometimes.” I looked at her now, the warmth from the mirrors
forgotten: I wanted to see her reaction to my feelings. “Perhaps
it’s because I know that when I look up and see the sky, that it is
not really
the sky
: there are no clouds, no stratosphere and
troposphere, nothing… Just thousands of mirrors, precisely angled
to follow the path of the sun as we orbit around it and recreate
day and night as though we were still on Earth. It feels real, but
I know that it isn’t and so that feels
wrong
somehow…”

Cassie watched me closely,
listening intently it seemed, as though she were truly engrossed in
what I was saying. “Don’t stop,” she encouraged when I paused. The
intensity of her voice was persuasive, but I felt unsure now. My
earlier confidence was fading fast and revealing my thoughts
unedited no longer seemed as appealing as it had a moment
before.

“Sorry – I have a tendency to
waffle once I get going – you don’t need to listen to my morose
views on life here,” I sighed, reining myself in. My attempt at
nonchalance hit a false note and I wondered whether Cassie would
notice.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s nice to
hear you speak,” she said.

It was obvious that
she
was the one who was speaking without thinking now, surprising
herself as well as me I thought. Cassie blushed attractively, blood
pooling beneath the soft, creamy skin of her cheeks as she
struggled to explain her words, clearly trying to take back what
she had just openly admitted. I suppose it was a little mean of me
not to step in and save her the effort, but again I selfishly found
myself enjoying her unease, hoping that it was more to do with me
than it probably was.

“What I meant is you’re
normally so quiet – ”

She sputtered to a stop and I
could see her mentally revising her words before she continued. I
decided it was too
cruel
to leave Cassie
scrambling for apologies and so I turned away before she looked at
me, feigning indifference to make her feel better. It was a
struggle to keep the smile from my lips, but I managed it.

We lapsed into a comfortable
silence, moving through the late afternoon pedestrians meandering
on the plaza, each of us preoccupied with our own thoughts. I paid
little attention to the people milling around – reverting to my
normal behaviour in company – with the exception that I was
thinking for once. Right now, I was thinking about the pretty girl
walking by my side.