When these thoughts crowded her head, she couldn’t help but wonder if he had ever really loved her. What exactly had she meant to him? Clearly not enough. If he’d really loved her, he wouldn’t have left her. She would never have done that to him.
Never
.
She squeezed shower gel into the palm of her hand, and as she began rubbing it vigorously over her body, she thought of Stirling’s hands touching her. His touch was very different to Neil’s. But then she hadn’t wanted it to be the same. She didn’t want Stirling to be gentle or tender with her. She wanted to feel consumed by him. She wanted to feel that she was in a vacuum, that nothing else existed beyond the physical bonding of their flesh. It wasn’t love she was looking for. It wasn’t even an emotional connection. She wasn’t capable of that.
This evening in bed with Stirling she had felt something new; she had suddenly wanted to forget she had ever met Neil. More than that, and just as Stirling had climaxed inside her, she had felt a great need to punish Neil for hurting her so badly.
Scrubbing at her body, the shower washing away the tears that had sprung from her eyes, she wondered if that was what she had been doing all along, taking Stirling to her bed to punish Neil. Nothing else could have hurt him more. Just as he had done his worst to her, she was repaying him in kind. She turned her face up to the water and cried harder still.
Stirling felt euphoric. He had felt the same way the last time he had left Simone. He couldn’t be sure quite what she got out of the arrangement, but for himself, the physical release he experienced with her was like a powerful drug that liberated and re-energized him.
Being with her this evening had helped him to see things with unexpected clarity and had brought him to a decision. There would be no more sitting on the fence. No more pleading with Gina to see sense, to have compassion on him, to look at things from a different perspective.
No. His mind was made up. As soon as he got home, he was going to tell her exactly how things stood. He would not give up Katie. And if she couldn’t accept that, she could do her worst, no matter how bad that was. If Gina divorced him, so be it. At least his conscience would be clear when it came to Katie. He would be able to look himself in the eye and say he had done the right thing. Would Gina be able to do the same? What was more, he was convinced that Rosco and Scarlet would come round to his point of view in the end. It would take time, that was all. They just needed to get over the shock of suddenly discovering they had a half-sister. Time
would
heal the hurt they were currently feeling. And he was to blame for that hurt, he knew that. He should never have told them about Katie the way he did. He’d thrown it in their faces the day of Neil’s funeral, when his temper and his need to protect Neil’s memory had got the better of him. It had been a catastrophic mistake on his part.
He was a few miles from Sandiford when he remembered he hadn’t switched his mobile back on – he had made it a rule to turn it off when he visited Simone. No matter. He’d be home in five minutes.
The first thing he noticed when he approached the house was that it was in darkness; there wasn’t a single light on. He couldn’t remember Gina saying she was going out, but then they were hardly communicating these days, so why should she bother to inform him of her day-to-day activities? After all, he hadn’t said he was going to be late home himself, had he?
He let himself in, flicking lights on as he went. Propped against the fruit bowl on the island unit in the middle of the kitchen was a note. Expecting it to be some kind of angrily written message about his supper being in the bin, he put on his reading glasses.
He tried ringing Gina’s mobile from his car, but there was no answer. Hospital rules meant she probably had it switched off.
Not knowing how bad the situation was, only that Scarlet had been rushed to hospital, that something was wrong, he drove like the wind, all the while imploring some higher being to keep her and the baby safe. He pictured Scarlet as a baby herself. He recalled the day she was born. She’d been such a beautiful baby. He had held her in his arms and felt an instant and extraordinary weight of love. He had looked into her face and known, truly known, that he would do anything within his power to keep her safe and happy. Holding her with great care, he had bent down with her so that Rosco could get a closer look. ‘There,’ he’d said. ‘What do you think of your baby sister?’
Rosco had inspected her with an expression of disappointment. ‘She’s not very big, is she? You said I’d be able to play with her.’
‘You won’t be able to play with her right away,’ Stirling had said with a laugh, ‘but when she’s grown a little, you will. For now we have to look after her really well so that she’ll grow big and strong, just like you.’
‘Can’t Mummy do that?’
‘We need to help Mummy do it. It’s very tiring having a baby. Do you think you can do that, help me to help Mummy?’
He’d nodded solemnly and then asked if he could hold Scarlet.
One of Stirling’s favourite photographs was a picture he’d taken of Scarlet when she was a week old being carefully cradled by her brother. Earlier this year, when Scarlet and Charlie had shared the news that they were expecting a child, he had had the photograph copied and framed and had given it to Scarlet as a present. He remembered how delighted she’d been. As a small girl she had loved her brother, had idolized him to the point of driving him crazy at times. But with her legendary tantrums and her scatterbrain nature during her teens – as she hopped and skipped from one heartfelt crusade or hopeless enterprise to another – she had driven them all crazy over the years. It was the way she was, and they had long since understood that that was how things were. It would have been wrong ever to think about trying to change her, like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. It would have snuffed out the very essence of her.
With a tightness forming in his chest and hot tears pricking at the backs of his eyes, Stirling contemplated the unthinkable – what if something happened to Scarlet?
Whatever it takes, he thought, whatever it takes to keep her safe. Even if it meant she lost the baby.
He drove on, realizing with shame how lately he’d lost sight of what his children meant to him.
With Charlie at Scarlet’s side whilst an emergency Caesarean was carried out, Rosco had taken charge. He’d calmed his mother down and had just managed to get hold of Charlie’s parents, who were holidaying in Tuscany. Everything was under control. Everything except Dad.
A doctor had explained that Scarlet’s blood pressure had gone sky high and she was suffering from something called pre-eclampsia; that meant the baby had to be delivered a month early, which was not without risk. According to Charlie, Scarlet had woken that morning with a headache and swollen ankles, but had gone out for the day as arranged to meet up with friends. When she arrived home with an even worse headache and started being sick, he had called the doctor, who had instructed him to take her straight to hospital. Thank God, Rosco thought now as he carried two cups of vending-machine coffee back to his mother, that Charlie had done the sensible thing just once in his life and made that call.
‘Where on earth can your father be?’ Gina said when he handed her one of the plastic cups. He’d lost count of how often she’d asked him this – another time, another place, and he might have been tempted to tell her the truth.
Oh yes, he knew the truth all right. Ever since Dad had disappeared that day and claimed to be in the office, he’d made it his business to keep an eye on him. By checking his father’s computer when he was out of the office, he’d found the series of emails he’d exchanged with Katie. That wasn’t so bad in itself, other than the secrecy of the correspondence, but what he’d discovered today had been the last straw. Expecting to find further evidence that perhaps he was secretly meeting Katie, Rosco had taken the opportunity to check his father’s mobile this morning. They’d been in his office – just the two of them – when Dad had gone to make a copy of a document, leaving his phone on Rosco’s desk. Whilst he had suspected Dad might be seeing a woman, the last thing he’d expected was for that woman to be Simone Montrose. Like an idiot, Dad hadn’t deleted the SMS history on his phone, and so the evidence of their sordid affair was there for anyone to read. According to the latest text exchange, they were meeting again this evening.
The discovery so shocked Rosco – the bitch had had an affair with one man and destroyed him; now she was trying to do the same with Dad! – he hadn’t trusted himself to confront his father. Instead, when Dad had returned with the copied document, he had carried on as if everything was perfectly normal.
Now that he’d had time to think, he knew what he had to do. The knowledge he had was his trump card to hold the family together. This, he now realized, was all that mattered. His father was in the middle of some kind of emotional crisis. Which wasn’t surprising, given what Uncle Neil had done and then his own dubious past catching up with him in the form of Katie Lavender. If pushed one step further, who knew what could happen; a full-blown breakdown would help no one. So it was down to Rosco to take charge and keep everything held firmly together.
He took a sip of his coffee, stared out of the window and thought of his sister. As much as she irritated the hell out of him at times, he couldn’t imagine the world without her. He refused to let his thoughts go down that route. Nothing bad was going to happen to Scarlet.
Hearing hurried footsteps, he turned and saw his father. Gina saw him at the same time and leapt to her feet. ‘Where’ve you been?’ she demanded, her shrill voice ringing loudly in the waiting room, which luckily they had to themselves.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said breathlessly. ‘I was with a client.’
‘Why didn’t you have your mobile switched on?’
Resisting the urge to yell
Liar!
in his father’s face, Rosco intervened. ‘That’s not important now, Mum.’ He stepped between his parents and filled his father in on what was happening.
‘But she’ll be OK, won’t she?’ Dad said, raking his hand through his hair. ‘The doctors have said she’ll be fine, right?’
‘No!’ Gina snapped. ‘They’ve said no such thing, and if you’d been here with us, you wouldn’t be asking such a stupid question.’ She started to cry.
‘Come on, love,’ Dad said. He put his arm around her. At first she tried to shrug him off, but as her tears took hold, she relaxed against him. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here,’ he said. ‘But I’m here now and everything’s going to be all right. You’ll see.’
Rosco caught his eye but had to look away. He couldn’t believe the duplicity of his father. He was about to toss his empty coffee cup into the bin when he saw Charlie coming towards them. A nurse was with him. For some reason Charlie had something white stuck to the side of his head. ‘Mum, Dad,’ Rosco said. They both turned.
‘What’s the news?’ Stirling asked as they surged towards Charlie. It was then that Rosco realized that the white thing on his brother-in-law’s head was a dressing. The guy looked completely dazed. ‘I’m a dad,’ he said, his face suddenly cracking into a huge grin. ‘I’m a father! I have a daughter!’
They all spoke at once, but it was Stirling’s voice that cut through the cacophony of voices. ‘And Scarlet? How is she?’
The nurse spoke. ‘Scarlet is fine. We had to carry out a C-section, but it was quite straightforward. She’s resting for now and will be a bit sore for a while, but she’ll be as right as rain before too long.’
‘And what happened to you, Charlie?’ Rosco asked.
‘I . . . um . . . I fainted and hit my head.’
The nurse smiled. ‘It all got too much for you, didn’t it, Charlie?’
He grimaced. ‘Not my proudest moment, I’ll admit.’
They all laughed.
‘Can we see the baby?’ Gina asked.
Ten minutes later they were pressed against a window looking at an incubator that contained Louisa-May Benton-Norris. The nurse explained that born four weeks earlier than expected, she had been placed in the special-care baby unit because she required help with breathing.
‘But she’ll be all right, won’t she?’ Stirling asked. ‘Coming so early, there won’t be any serious problems or complications, will there?’
‘She needs help with regulating her temperature and with feeding, and is a little jaundiced,’ the nurse answered, ‘but all the signs are good. She weighs a respectable five pounds and six ounces, so she’s far from being one of our tiniest babies in SCBU.’ The nurse then left them alone.
Stirling stared and stared at his granddaughter. She looked so helpless. So vulnerable, with that ghastly tube attached to her nose. Her skin seemed painfully thin, almost translucent. He could see her tiny heart beating in her miniature chest. Her hands were impossibly small. She was altogether too fragile. He didn’t imagine he would ever be able to hold her. He said her name inside his head: Louisa-May. It was a surprise to him. At no stage during her pregnancy had Scarlet or Charlie mentioned it as a possibility. Wherever it had come from, he liked it.
Welcome to the family, Louisa-May
, he said silently.
To his left, Rosco was congratulating Charlie with a high five. Poor Charlie, he looked like a stunned survivor from a war zone. To Stirling’s right, Gina stood motionless, staring through the glass. She looked worn out. Ready to drop. He should have been with her when she’d got the call from Charlie. He should have been with her to share the strain. Without a word, he slipped his hand into hers. She turned her head and looked at him. Her lips trembled and her eyes filled. ‘She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?’
He nodded but couldn’t speak.
‘She looks just like Scarlet did when she was born. Just smaller.’
Again he couldn’t speak, could only manage a nod. A couple of hours ago he had truly believed that he’d come to the right decision about how to resolve things. God help him, but now everything had changed. Louisa-May had seen to that.
It was nearly midnight when they left the hospital. They’d been allowed to see Scarlet for a short while. Not surprisingly, she was tired and emotional. The poor girl was in despair that she couldn’t have the baby with her. ‘She won’t know me,’ she’d said tearfully. ‘She’s all alone. She’ll think I don’t love her. What if she gets muddled up with another baby?’ It had been Rosco who had calmed her down and even made her smile. ‘Scarlet, there’s no danger of my niece getting muddled up with anyone else’s baby; she’s easily the most beautiful baby here. I’d know her anywhere.’ It was such a lovely thing for him to say; Gina had been so proud of him.