Pen stirred the soup. ‘I knew it was a mistake for the family to put them there.’ She glanced at the donkey; he seemed to be watching her, his head tilted with intense concentration. ‘He’s got such a sad expression on his face, hasn’t he?’ she said. ‘But then donkeys do. Can you honestly say you’ve ever seen a cheerful-looking donkey?’
‘I can’t say I have. Where do you keep the bowls?’
‘Over there, the cupboard to the right of the dishwasher. Cutlery in the drawer above.’ Pen watched Simone open the cupboard door and locate the bowls, and then some soup spoons. When she had everything and was setting the table, Pen said, ‘Why did you really come here today to Sandiford? Was it to see Stirling?’
‘You mean did I come here to cause trouble for him?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m ashamed to say that in some ways I did. I wanted to tell him exactly what I thought of him.’
‘And did you?’
‘No, my anger fizzled out. Plus I didn’t know where he lived, only that it was this village. As missions of retribution go, it was poorly executed.’
‘Why did you want retribution?’
‘Call it a cliché, but it was unfinished business. I felt he’d used me and then tossed me aside when he no longer needed me. It wasn’t that I was looking for a real relationship with him, but I did expect him at least to behave as a gentleman and let me know when it was over; to have the decency to say the words. But he simply refused to speak to me. He made me feel as if I was desperate and was hounding him.’
Pen lifted the bubbling pan of soup off the hotplate and lowered the lid. ‘To be fair, it looks like you did become desperate.’
‘Well yes, but only because he wouldn’t speak to me.’
‘I heard he hasn’t been feeling too well; maybe that’s why he didn’t return your calls.’
‘Maybe,’ Simone repeated doubtfully.
‘And the “using” part of your relationship,’ Pen continued. ‘You’re talking about sex, I presume?’
‘It was a release and a relief for us both. I’m not proud of that. And I would imagine neither is Stirling.’ She frowned. ‘Why do you want to know so much about it?’
‘I want to try and understand you. In particular, how you could sleep with my husband and then his brother. For some strange reason I want to think well of you, but I’m having trouble doing so.’
Simone’s expression dropped and her shoulders sagged. ‘Join the club. Nobody could think less of me than I do myself. I’m not the woman I’ve become, if that makes any sense. Truly I’m not. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I don’t go around having affairs at the drop of a hat with married men. I tried not to fall in love with your husband, but I did. And I still love him. With Stirling, it was . . . it was a means of escape, a way to feel whole again and to stop feeling so alone and isolated. I think also there was a part of me that was angry that Neil had abandoned me, and sleeping with his brother was a way to say, “This is how much you’ve hurt me by what you’ve done!”’ She closed her eyes briefly. Then: ‘If I could turn back time, I would erase what happened with Stirling, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t with Neil. If I met Neil all over again, I’d still fall in love with him. Do you hate me for saying that?’
Pen carefully filled the soup bowls. ‘No,’ she said, ‘I don’t hate you. I think it was wrong what you did with Stirling, but I think I now understand why. I also admire you for your honesty. Now then, if that’s enough soup for you, I’ll leave the rest for Lloyd for when he gets back.’
When they were both sitting at the table, Simone said, ‘I don’t think your son likes me very much. Not that I blame him.’
‘Lloyd has problems of his own at the moment. Come on, eat your soup whilst it’s hot.’
Simone smiled faintly. ‘Somewhere along the line things have become skewed. I was meant to be looking after you.’
‘I’m fine now. Maybe I needed that loss of control in the churchyard. That final cry of anguish. I meant what I said earlier: it was very kind of you to look after me. And to mend the donkey. I think that says all I need to know about you to know that we could be friends.’
Simone looked up from her soup. ‘Really? You want to be friends with me?’
‘Would you rather we were enemies?’
A cautious smile appeared on her face. ‘Friends would be better. Friends would be good.’
‘Excellent. So that’s that settled. Next I have to find out what’s going on at Willow Bank. And then I want to speak to Katie.’
‘Katie?’
‘Lloyd’s girlfriend. Or she was until yesterday afternoon. It’s a long story. And one that I’m determined should have a happy ending. His father would have wanted it too. He so loved a happy ending.’
They shot each other a look. They didn’t speak, not until they heard Lloyd knocking at the back door.
‘I knew there was something you were hiding from me,’ Cecily said, with a weary shake of her head.
Stirling hated to see his mother look so troubled. In the last forty-eight hours he seemed to have upset everyone he cared about.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’ve made everything a hundred times worse. But I couldn’t keep the lie to myself any longer.’
‘I understand that, but it might have been better if you had.’
‘Mum, I tried. You must believe me. I wanted to bury it so deep I would never think of it again, but it was tearing me apart.’
‘I know, I saw the change in you. I wish you’d told me before now.’
‘I couldn’t, I was too ashamed. Are you very disappointed in me?’
Cecily looked at him sharply. ‘Is that what you’re worried about, my being disappointed in you?’
‘Aren’t you?’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous! Do you really think I would be capable of condemning you for what you’ve done when I’ve lost a son because he dug himself into a hole from which he believed there was no climbing out? My love for you and Neil has never been conditional, and that’s not about to change because you’ve done something stupid.’
‘Having an affair with Simone Montrose rates as being a little more than merely stupid.’
‘Oh, do stop feeling sorry for yourself! That isn’t going to help anyone. Now tell me what you’re going to do next; that’s far more important than raking over the rights and wrongs of what you did. Have you broken it off with Simone? Or is the relationship ongoing?’
Stirling shook his head. ‘It’s not ongoing. I’ve spoken with her and everything has . . .’ His words trailed off. How to describe his conversation with Simone late last night? Extraordinary was the nearest he could get. Awkward at the thought of speaking to her, but knowing he had to, he had rung her to explain the point he had reached, that things couldn’t go on as they were between them. They had spoken for a good half an hour, she saying how upset she had been with him, and he explaining how he’d hit rock bottom and realized the enormity of what he’d done. ‘Everything has been resolved between us,’ he said eventually to his mother. ‘Did you know that she was with Pen yesterday?’
‘Yes, Lloyd told me.’
Stirling suddenly couldn’t look at his mother. He knew how fond she was of Lloyd and how she felt about Katie. He went and stood at the window and looked down on to the communal gardens of South Lodge. Yesterday’s rain had given way to a blue sky patched with ragged white clouds; a blustery wind was blowing. A gardener was hoeing one of the circular rose beds – or he would have been had he not had a mobile pressed to his ear.
‘What are you going to do about Lloyd and Katie?’
He turned back to answer his mother’s question. ‘I’ve tried ringing Katie but she’s not answering her phone. Not for calls or texts. I think she might have put a block on my number.’
‘That wasn’t what I asked.’
Stirling tried to hold his ground. ‘I’ve told Lloyd to tell her how things now stand.’
‘And from what Lloyd says, she’s not responding to his calls or texts either. Honestly, Stirling, what were you thinking, letting her walk away? She’s your daughter. What’s more, she’s my granddaughter.’
‘You don’t need to tell me I behaved badly,’ he said tiredly. ‘I have to live with the knowledge that I looked Katie in the eye and said goodbye. That I was prepared to go through with what Gina had asked me to do. But I honestly thought it was for the best.’
‘The best for you, certainly.’
‘For the family. Not just for me.’
Cecily looked at him sternly. ‘I can forgive you for sleeping with Simone, but casting Katie aside, that’s altogether a different matter.’
‘But I didn’t in the end, did I?’
‘If Lloyd hadn’t challenged you, would you have changed your mind?’
He nodded. ‘Yes. It might have taken a few days or even weeks for me to admit I’d made a terrible mistake, but I would have done so eventually.’ He kept to himself that he also now believed that Scarlet’s views regarding Katie had softened, and that if he had her support, he might be able to win over Rosco. He said none of this for fear his mother would think he wasn’t brave enough to do the right thing by himself.
‘So back to my question. What are you going to do to put things right?’
‘I have to go and see Katie.’
‘And Lloyd?’
‘How receptive do you think he is to talking to me right now?’
‘I think the urge to black both of your eyes has passed, but you need to speak to him. As far as I can see, he’s serious about Katie and doesn’t want to lose her. If he does, goodness only knows if you’ll ever be able to make things right between you. Don’t look so surprised; you knew perfectly well that you’d have to find a way to placate Lloyd, and that it wouldn’t be easy. And yes, you might well think I’m being overly harsh, but I’m just being honest with you. I’ve never lied to you before and I’m not about to start now.’ She paused for breath. ‘You look like you could do with a drink. Shall I make us some tea?’
‘I’ll do it.’
Out in the kitchen, Stirling busied himself with the task of boiling the kettle and placing cups and saucers on a tray. All the time he thought how true to form his mother was behaving. Fiercely honest, but fair. That had always been her modus operandi. If she behaved any differently, Stirling would have cause to worry.
Back in the sitting room, he sat opposite Cecily and suspected that he was in for Round Two. He wasn’t wrong.
‘Now then, what’s the state of play with Gina?’
Where to begin? thought Stirling. The one intractable truth in what yesterday had revealed to him was that when he had been craving for his life to return to how it had been, he had been wishing for the wrong thing. Only now did he have the courage to admit that something had changed in him since Neil’s death and Katie’s appearance – that it wasn’t the security of the past he wanted; it was the unknown: the future. More precisely, he wanted a different future to the one the past had assigned him.
‘I love Gina but I’m not in love with her,’ he said carefully. ‘You may think that that is beside the point at my age, but actually I can’t think of anything more
to
the point at my age.’
His mother lowered her cup and stared hard at him. ‘Why would you think I wouldn’t understand the distinction and the importance of it?’
‘Because most people would say I should be thankful for what I have, and that love becomes irrelevant after so many years of marriage.’
‘So now you disregard me as being “most people”. Really, Stirling, I despair of you. Why on earth would you think that I would expect you to stay married to someone for the sake of merely retaining the status quo? All I want is for you to be happy. I can’t say that I’ve ever been Gina’s greatest fan, but until now I’ve held my tongue because I thought she made you happy. Perhaps I should have spoken my mind sooner.’
Stirling shook his head. ‘Sooner wouldn’t have been the right time. I’m beginning to think that I needed to be taken to the brink before things became clear to me. I’ve told Gina I’ll make it as painless as I can for her when it comes to the divorce. None of this is her fault. I don’t want the good years we’ve shared to be destroyed by what’s happening now.’
‘Presumably she doesn’t see it quite that way. Has she insisted you move out again?’
‘No, she’s being remarkably good about it all. I think she’s beyond fighting now. She’s had enough.’
‘And you really think you’re doing the right thing in parting? There’s nothing that could be done to salvage the marriage?’
‘For the first time I feel that I’m doing absolutely the right thing. I keep coming back to the same crucial point: that if I loved Gina as I should, I would never have gone to bed with Simone.’
Cecily tutted. ‘There are no shoulds or should nots in a situation like this. You were upset over Neil and behaved entirely out of character.’
‘Was it out of character, Mum? Who knows, maybe that was the real me.’
Driving away from South Lodge, Stirling felt better than when he’d turned in at the gate two hours ago, full of dread at what he had to tell his mother.
But now that was behind him. Another hurdle cleared. And even though he knew there were many more ahead of him, he felt more in control and better able to cope. No longer did he feel as if his life was slipping through his hands like quicksilver.
In the last twenty-four hours his brother had been a constant presence in his thoughts, and always those thoughts bounced back and forth between wishing that Neil had found the courage to own up to what he had done, and wondering how he had hidden his state of mind from everyone. Because to all intents and purposes his brother had appeared entirely the same person; there had been no clue as to the desperate point he’d reached. Only Cecily, with her highly tuned mother’s intuition, had been aware of a difference in Neil’s behaviour. Just as she had noticed there was something wrong with Stirling. Ninety years of age, and still nothing got past her.
He hated knowing that he had put his elderly mother through yet more family turmoil. Only one thing could make amends, and that was to do the right thing for Katie. And to do that, Stirling needed help. He hoped he would find it at The Meadows. But before he asked Pen for help, he needed to explain himself to her with regard to Simone, and more importantly about Lloyd and Katie.
Rosco decided to finish work early. He’d had enough. He unlocked his car and got inside.