I will be happy for them. And for Adam.
I sit and force down some cereal, but the moment it reaches my stomach, I feel like throwing it back up. I try to make conversation, but honestly I don’t know what they’re even saying. I watch their lips move, but nothing reaches my ears. What is wrong with me?
My phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s a text from Adam. He wants to know if I like to ice skate.
Never been
, I respond.
Good answer
,
he says right back.
Be ready at 10pm.
Why so late?
I have my reasons. Now just be ready and dress warm! We’ll be outside.
Okay
, I answer.
Sounds like a plan.
“Who are you texting?” I hear Clara ask. She has a little smirk on her face.
“Adam,” I respond.
“Oh, what does he have to say?”
“Nothing.”
“Jess, are you okay?” Mom asks me.
“Yes. I’m full. I’m going upstairs to my room. I’m really tired. I’m sorry. I didn’t get to bed until real late. I think I need to rest more.”
“Okay….”
I get up, and I walk back up to my room, and I curl up on my bed, wrapping myself in my blanket. Can I just stay like this forever? In my own little cocoon? I close my eyes and just imagine my own little world where I’m the only one who exists, and no one and nothing can bother me. I’m untouchable and I’m happy. My own little Utopia.
The vibration of my cell phone rips me away from my dream world, and I answer it to be met by Tommy’s voice.
“Yo, man. What up?” He sounds like his old smug self again.
“Nothing, really. You?”
“I’m bored and want to leave. Let’s do something.”
“Yeah, okay, cool.”
I’m dressed and ready by the time Tommy is outside my house. He is smoking a cigarette in his car, and I roll my window all the way down, ignoring the cold air.
“So what’s up?”
I shrug. What could have happened in the last half hour?
“So I spoke to Adam’s friend Korey the other day. I called him up. He let me stop by the place.”
I turn toward him, praying for the story to have a good ending.
“What happened?” I ask.
“I don’t know yet. We spoke, and he says he’d get back to me. It’s probably a no….”
“You never know, though,” I say.
“Yeah, but who knows. With the way my life is right now, I’m not exactly expecting good things.”
I want to tell him it’ll all work out, but how am I supposed to know? I’m still waiting for my own life to truly work out, so how can I tell someone else to be happy and confident? Tommy tells me it’s a nice apartment, small, but there are two bedrooms and a tiny kitchen. The rent isn’t a lot, so he thinks he’d be able to manage… now it’s just all about waiting. I wish I believed in God so I could ask him to allow Tommy this one thing in his life.
“How is Adam?” he asks.
“He’s good,” I answer.
“That’s good,” he responds.
The car comes to a stop, and I am happy to
not
see the warehouse. We are outside Traveling Tunes, the little music store that Wilshire has. It’s one of the last remaining places I know that sells actual CDs. Everyone just downloads their music. Tommy has always loved music, so he still refuses to this day to actually get his music online. He likes to own physical copies. We walk into the tiny store where the cashier greets Tommy by name.
He goes through the many rows of CDs, and I just follow him like a pet. He so meticulously handles each CD, making sure to place them where they belong. I could see Tommy working in a place like this, so I tell him.
“I don’t know. They’re probably not hiring.”
“You should ask. It’s an extra paycheck along with your garage job.” He nods, and I watch him as he walks up to the cashier, named Kirk, as he asks for an application. Tommy and Kirk converse as I start to go through the CDs. I find the classical music section, and I pull out one with a picture of a violin on the cover. It’s a collection of songs done on the violin. A small smile comes onto my face as I think of Adam and his love of the instrument. I pay for the CD.
“I didn’t know you like classical music?” Tommy asks me.
“I don’t. It’s for Adam. He plays the violin.”
He smiles. “Oh, beautiful Adam.” A blush rises to my cheeks as I follow Tommy outside, and we walk toward his car. “I like how he makes you smile. It’s good to see my best friend happy.”
There is that word again. Happy? Am I happy? It’s something I try so hard to be, but can’t reach. It’s the one ghost that will haunt me all my life. Why is it so hard for me to reach when it comes so naturally to everyone else? Happiness is like a train that continues to pass me by. I come close, but I always miss it.
But Adam… I love him. I really do. He makes me smile, and making love with him made me the happiest I’ve been in a while, but even that happiness seems to be fleeting. It’s all just seeping away like blood from an open wound.
“Jess, you okay?” Tommy’s voice distracts me from my thoughts, and I nod. I ask him if there is anywhere else he wants to go, and he says he just wanted to get out of the house. He couldn’t stand being there anymore. I nod. Tommy drives me home, and I walk back to my bedroom with the CD. I open it, and I let the music play from my stereo. The sounds from a violin fill my room, starting slow, and I just listen as the music continues to build. By the end everything is swelling, and all is beautiful. I close my eyes, and I pretend that Adam is here listening with me. I can picture his goofy smile as he dances around the room. He takes me into his arms, and he holds me close. I can breathe in his scent, and it sends my body into a whirlwind of hormones and desire. But when I open my eyes, the fantasy dies. I’m alone in my bedroom. No Adam, and the song has come to an end.
The CD continues on, but I stop listening as I lie on my bed, and I just stare at the blank whiteness of the ceiling. It is like when you stare at something for so long, that it almost becomes something more. It becomes something so big that you’re afraid to fall in. The ceiling turns into a void. I must not let myself fall.
My mind goes back to Adam, and while he makes my heart skip a beat… if it ends my heart will turn into stone dropping down into my chest, weighing down my entire body. Will that be a darkness I’ll be able to escape? All the movies make love look so effortless and happy, but it’s false. Falling in love is tough, confusing, and painful. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between being in love and being insane. They both make my head go in circles.
AS THE
day turns into night, I find myself still lying in bed. I haven’t moved. The CD came to an end a few hours ago, but I never got up to take it out. I should move, but I just feel so tired. Everything just feels tired. My mind. My body. My heart. I try to get up, but as I walk it feels like I’m dragging a boulder along with me. I take the CD out, and I put it back it in its case, and when I’m in the shower, I turn the water up so it’s hot. My skin burns red, and I lean my head against the wall. I close my eyes. Please don’t let me slip away again. I want to stay. I don’t want to go back to the dark place. All the movies tell you a prince will come save you, but it’s not true. The prince comes along, but no matter how long he stays, he won’t be able to save you.
I feel itchy. Everywhere. I scratch my sides and my stomach and my chest and I dig my nails into my arms, dragging them. I open my eyes to see slight scratches all over my torso and arms. Some of the scratches on my wrists have little droplets of blood. I run it under the hot water, and I gasp at the stinging, but I let it take me over. I turn my pain into something physical, and I let it release from my body. Sometimes it’s the only way I know how to escape the pain.
I turn the water off, wrapping the towel around my waist. I stand in front of the mirror, which is completely covered from the steam of my hot shower. I’m nothing but a blur in the mirror. I’m not a human. I have no feelings. No emotions. I am just a passing blur in the way of life. I take my finger, and I bring it down against the glass, creating two vertical lines. I add a frown underneath. The sad face stares back at me… but something isn’t right. It isn’t me quite yet. I add a diagonal line to each eye, so now a pair of
X
’s lie where the eyes should be. Now, that’s better. A dead face stares back.
ADAM SHOWS
up on time, and he smiles at my gift, kissing me on the lips and telling me he loves it. He puts it into the CD player of his car, and the violin fills every spot. I turn up the volume so I don’t have to speak. He holds my hand in the car, and it feels nice, but I wonder why. Should I really be letting him hold my hand? I can’t let myself fall for him any more. It’ll hurt him and me in the end. I know it.
He doesn’t really love you, Jess
, my mind tells me. I close my eyes and will the dark place to go away. I can’t let it take me over. Not now. Not here. Not with Adam around. I can’t let him see me like that again.
When he stops the car, we’re outside a darkened outdoor ice-skating rink. He smiles, and he grabs my door, letting me out.
“What are we doing here?”
“We’re g-g-g-going ice-s-s-s-skating,” he exclaims.
“I don’t know how,” I state.
“It’s o-o-okay. I-I’ll sh-sh-show you.” He wears a smile on his face, and I want to put my lips upon his. I also want to know how he can find so much happiness in the world. He leads me to the ice-skating rink, and we lace up our skates. He tells me he asked the owner for a favor, as the owner knows his uncle. He leads me onto the ice, and I don’t feel steady. He holds me up, but it’s no use as I come crashing to the ground. He smiles, and his smile makes me smile, and it feels good to smile. He helps me up.
“Hold on-on-on to m-m-my hands.”
“No problem with that.” He laughs as I take his hands. Gosh, I love holding his hands. They feel so perfect in mine. He glides backward across the ice, and he moves with such grace. I wonder if there is anything he can’t do. I’m not as steady as him. Not even close. I am wobbly and awkward, but I manage not to fall too many times. As long as I hold on to him, I can stay upright. Adam keeps me going.
“You’re g-g-g-getting it,” he says. And then I fall. Even I have to laugh at this. He helps me back up and kisses me. “I l-l-love you,” he states. I smile and tell him “You too.” Love is such a powerful word. So many people throw it around, but I don’t think many know what it actually means. After one date people will throw around the word, and then the next day love someone else… but I truly love Adam… but what if he only thinks he loves me?
I want to have fun, but something clutches at my heart and my mind and it just won’t let me go. I feel the claws of the darkness digging into me, and it wants me back. I tell him I feel tired, and it’s not far from the truth. I feel so damn tired. I just want to go to sleep.
“A-are you o-o-okay?” he asks me concerned.
I nod. “Yeah, just really tired. I didn’t get much sleep, and then I was running around with Tommy all day.”
“O-okay.”
He tries to help me take my skates off, but I tell him I can do it, and he takes me back home. He tries to talk to me in the car, but I just smile.
“Take me back to your place,” I tell him, and he smiles. We drive back to his apartment, and he leads me up to his bedroom where I throw myself at him. I tear off his clothing, and he takes off mine ever so gently. I’m the predator, and he is my last meal. I want to taste him. We make love again in his bed, and he falls back, smiling, kissing my temple. I lay my head on his chest.
“I love you,” he tells me again. I don’t respond.
He doesn’t really love you
, my mind says again. I don’t want to believe it. I can’t stay away from the thought, though.
No one could ever love someone like you. You’re meant to die alone. No one will ever truly love you.
I try to turn my mind off, but it continues talking, and I notice that Adam looks scared and confused.
“Don’t,” I say.
“J-J-Jess, what is, is g-g-going on?”
“Nothing,” I lie, my voice quivering. I close my eyes, and I try to will the world to disappear. I want my mind to shut up, and I suddenly wish for once I was not with Adam. I just want to go away and disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
“W-w-why do you p-put up that wall, J-Jess?”
“What wall?”
“This one where y-you w-w-w-won’t let m-me in when s-s-s-s-s-something is b-bothering you.”
“I don’t know.”
Liar. I know exactly why. I just don’t want anyone to break my heart or to make me worse. From the look on Adam’s face, he knows I’m lying too.
“You k-k-keep trying to k-keep the s-s-s-s-sadness and the p-pain out, b-b-but you’re also b-blocking all the h-happiness that c-c-c-can come into your l-l-life as well.”
I look into his gray-blue eyes, and I realize he deserves someone so much better. He deserves someone who can give him the love he wants. He doesn’t need me. If I left, he’d probably forget about me in a moment.
“Just take me home, Adam.”
“Jess, t-t-talk to me.”
“Please,” I plead. I just want to go home.
“N-not until you s-s-s-s-start t-to talk to me. O-open up. I l-l-love you, Jess.” His eyes are wide, and I want to believe they’re full of love… but it’s true, I don’t deserve love. He doesn’t know what he wants or feels.
“Adam, just take me the fuck home, now.” The anger is biting, and Adam flinches.
“Jess….”
His eyes are big as I stare into them. Seeing those big blue eyes just hurts me even more, and I look away. My arms are itchy. So itchy. I dig my nails into my skin, and I scratch.
“S-s-s-s-s-stop that.”
“Adam, just leave me alone. I can’t be with you. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”
“What?” He looks shocked, but I can’t keep doing this to him. I can’t keep stringing him along through all my bullshit. How terrible of a person can I be? I jump up, and I pull my clothes back on.
“This,” I shout. “I can’t keep doing this.” I point from him to me as I stare anywhere but his eyes.