Authors: A. L. Jackson
So wrapped up in the woman in front of me, I jumped when the chair beside me shifted.
Shit.
Matthew.
He sat back, and from a distance, he would have appeared calm, though I knew he was anything but. His jaw twitched from muscles held taut in restraint. What felt like an hour passed as we sat in silence, neither acknowledging the other while tension ricocheted between us.
When at last he spoke, his voice was low, indignant. His nostrils flared as he forced heavy, controlled breaths through his nose. “You’ve got a lot of fuckin’ nerve, man.”
Stiffening, I fought off the instinct to become defensive. The group of children came barreling back outside, all of them chasing Lizzie who laughed harder than I’d ever seen. I watched her, allowing her to remind me of why I was her, relaxing as that knowledge soothed me, calmed me.
Matthew laughed, cynical and sarcastic, when he caught me staring at Lizzie. “Did you know you almost got your way?” Matthew gestured to her with his head as she ran by.
His statement tore my attention from Lizzie. “What?”
“You have no idea what Elizabeth went through while you went on living your cushy little life, do you?” He pressed his clenched fists into his thighs, his anger barely constrained. “How she struggled every day, how she sacrificed . . . how she almost lost that child because of what you did.”
All the blood drained from my face. I felt lightheaded, faint with visions of Elizabeth suffering, the idea of Lizzie not being a part of this world a sick delusion.
And I had wanted it,
demanded
it.
I gripped the back of my neck, struck by searing guilt.
“And now she finally has her life together, and you waltz back into it like it’s your God-given right,” Matthew said with a tone that held a hint of a growl, each word delivering a blow directly to my gut.
But I took it, deserved it—needed it. I needed to know what I’d done.
Elizabeth’s laughter carried in our direction. I looked at her, pained and sickened with the realization that I’d wronged her so severely. I was sure the surface of that wrong hadn’t even been scratched. It seemed that at every turn, I learned I’d only cut her deeper than I could have imagined.
So much for unfounded nobility, so much for the fairy tale I’d painted in my mind, one I now realized I’d conjured only to make myself feel better.
Matthew’s lip trembled as he swallowed and dug his fists deeper into his legs. “I don’t know what your game is, but you need to know I will do whatever it takes to protect them. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“What do you want me to say, Matthew?” My voice came out raspy, regret laced with frustration. “That I’m sorry? Because I will if it makes you feel better, but that’s not going to change anything that I did in the past.”
He snapped, turning to me in what seemed to be disbelief. “You think I want an apology?” He shook his head, looking incredulous. “What I want is for you to stay out of their lives.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen,” I retorted harder and faster than I’d anticipated. Matthew needed to understand that I was not playing some game and there was no way in hell he would keep me from Lizzie.
He narrowed his eyes. “If you really care about them, you’ll stay out of their lives.”
I wanted to laugh because he was feeding me the same bullshit line I’d fed myself for the last five years—to the day.
“I’m not going anywhere, Matthew.” I kept my voice low and determined, but free of contempt. Matthew might hate me,
but he had been there when I hadn’t, and my daughter adored him. Without fail, Lizzie had mentioned him in every call we’d shared this week. The bottom line was I respected him, and my actions had given him no reason to return the favor. I accepted that.
He hesitated, dubious, before his expression hardened and he stood to hover over me. “Hurt them and I swear to God I’ll make you pay for it.”
I saw his threat for what it was—a desperate attempt to protect two people he loved, a threat no sane man would ever make good on. I could have easily thrown it back in his face. Instead, I nodded in submissive understanding, knowing I’d never give him a reason to consider it. He bobbed his head, curt and with what seemed to be a sense of satisfaction, before he turned and joined the very young woman who I now knew to be his wife. How Matthew had ended up with Elizabeth’s cousin remained a mystery. When Lizzie had gone on about her Uncle Maffew and Auntie Natalie, I’d burned with curiosity, wishing I could come right out and ask about it. Somehow, I knew Matthew and Elizabeth had been together, but for one reason or another had ended up only as friends—or whatever they were. Seeing Matthew and Elizabeth interact was like watching an overprotective brother worrying over a little sister.
I sank further into the chair and forced myself to relax while observing the people who were here because they loved my daughter. The yard was small enough to overhear names. Some names I recognized from stories Elizabeth had told me and I recognized some faces from pictures. There were also the unknown, small children and friends who had become a part of Elizabeth’s life after I’d left.
It had probably been close to seven years since I’d seen Linda, Elizabeth’s mother. Her face and hands were worn from
years of hard work, but her eyes were gentle as she watched her family from where she sat on the patio under the awning. She’d always struck me as cautious, slow to trust, but having loved with everything she had when she did. To Elizabeth she’d been a hero, a rock.
Elizabeth’s older sister, Sarah, worked ceaselessly, flitting in and out of the kitchen with bowls of food while her husband, Greg, manned the barbecue. Their little sister, Carrie, stayed at Natalie’s side, the two in constant conversation, laughing and giggling with their elbows hooked as if they were the best of friends.
And then there was Elizabeth. It was useless to try to keep from watching her. I sensed her every move, so I finally gave up and gave in. My eyes trailed her as she mingled with her guests, her smile wide and gracious as she welcomed each one, thankful for their presence.
I knew she could feel me, conscious of watchful eyes. Being near her stirred me—my love and guilt and desire—emotions that left my heart heavy and my legs weak.
It hurt.
I had to remind myself that anything I felt now could only pale in comparison to what I had put Elizabeth through. Self-pity would only serve to discount my own actions.
Knowing that wasn’t enough to stop the surge of jealousy I felt toward
him
—Scott. He was the same man who had told me to leave the bank that day I’d shown up at Elizabeth’s work, the one who I heard her call out to as he stepped through her door, the one who continually reached for her. They were light touches, small caresses from hands that clearly wanted more. I found myself thanking God when she returned none of them, but put space between them in an almost indiscernible way, in a way likely only noticed by Scott and me.
It filled me with relief, which I realized only made me all the more pathetic, taking comfort in the hope that Elizabeth was alone.
I wondered if I could ever stop being a selfish asshole.
“Burgers are ready!” Greg made the announcement, and the small group of people broke apart, falling into line with their smiles wide as they filled their plates.
The thought of a burger straight off a backyard grill made my mouth water, but I had no intention of eating. It would be far too uncomfortable to expect food when I wasn’t even welcome, though I shouldn’t have been surprised when Lizzie stood before me, her small hands clutching a plate extended in offering.
“Are you hungry, Daddy?” Kind blue eyes looked up at me, perceptive and aware.
I gulped down the awe and nodded. “Thank you, sweetheart.” She graced me in that same consuming smile when I accepted her gift, tiny teeth exposed, dimples drawn, leaving my heart in my throat as I watched her dance away and take her place at the small children’s table.
I ate my meal in my sheltered corner, though not alone as I felt Lizzie’s spirit linger at my side. It was almost too much to be showered in her undeserved love.
Once the food had been eaten and plates set aside, Elizabeth, Natalie, and Carrie brought Lizzie’s gifts over and placed them around her on the grass. Lizzie bounced with excitement. In admiration, I watched as my five year old daughter took time to have her mother read each card to her. She opened her gifts carefully and thanked whoever she’d received it from. Her surprise was genuine as she unwrapped each one, never expecting anything, but gracious to have received it.
Elizabeth had raised the most incredible child, so humble, so appreciative.
Lizzie’s eyes went wide when she opened the largest box I’d given her.
A doll
. She’d asked for a doll, which had turned out to be a more difficult request than I’d ever imagined. There were hundreds of them at the store, and I’d been thankful when the young employee had helped me select one. The doll was lifelike, handmade, and had long black hair and blue eyes. As soon as the woman had shown it to me, I’d known it was perfect, even though I’d had to pry my jaw off the floor when I’d found out how much it cost. The look on Lizzie’s face told me it was well worth it. She unwrapped the other gifts from me, each a different accessory for the doll, each a piece the saleswoman insisted she would love.
When the other boxes had been opened, Lizzie rose and raced across the lawn and into my lap, throwing her small arms around my neck. “Thank you, Daddy! I love her!”
I held her to me, murmuring against her head, “You’re welcome, sweetheart. Happy birthday.”
She sat back, her smile so wide it stretched over her entire face.
My heart felt as if it would burst against my chest.
I would do anything to see that smile.
I reached out and pushed back a lock of hair that had fallen into her eyes, my smile soft. “I love you, precious girl.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
She hugged me again, hard, and then scooted off my lap and ran to finish opening the rest of her gifts.
I lifted my head and caught everyone staring at me. All of them were quick to avert their attention back to Lizzie who started to open the last of her presents—all except for Elizabeth’s mother. Her expression was unreadable but intense and probing. I shifted in discomfort. If there was one person here besides Elizabeth and Lizzie who I’d let down, it was Linda. I would
never forget the last time I’d seen her, when she’d pulled me aside and made me promise her that I’d never break her daughter’s heart. In a heartbeat, I’d sworn that I never would.
When Lizzie had thanked everyone a final time for her gifts, Elizabeth announced it was time for cake. Everyone gathered around the table, including myself. Unable to resist, I pulled out my phone and recorded Lizzie as she grinned ear to ear, her eyes darting around to the people who loved her as they sang “Happy Birthday.” She sucked in a deep breath before blowing out all five candles in one fell swoop while everyone clapped and called out, “Make a wish.”
Elizabeth’s face was indescribable as she celebrated with her daughter, full of life and so much love. I saw joy and no evidence of the pain I had caused her. I stared a beat too long, and Elizabeth caught my eye. Her happiness drained, despondency taking its place. Shame urged me to look away, but I held fast.
For a moment we were caught in each other, verging on something familiar, longing obscured by years of separation.
She blinked rapidly, breaking our connection, her hand shaking as she took a knife to slice into Lizzie’s cake.
I coerced myself back to my corner while thick, pink pieces of cake were passed out on even pinker plates.
Natalie stopped in front of me, arm extended. “Cake?”
I raised a brow, caught off guard before shrugging and accepting the small plate. “Thanks.” I offered a very cautious smile.
Her smile was wide as she plopped into the chair her husband had occupied earlier.
My smile faded as I prepared for attack.
“So, how are you holding up?”
I frowned. Was she really asking me how I was doing?
“Um?” was about all I could manage, confused.
She chuckled, the sound warm in her throat. “That bad, huh?”
I shook my head and laughed under my breath at the unexpected exchange. “Nah. I’m just thankful to be here.”
She took a bite of cake and murmured, “Hmm.”
I turned and tried to read her, to search for her intent. Her face was soft, free of displeasure as warm, brown eyes smiled back at me.
In an instant, I was taken back six years to the tender sweetness of Elizabeth.
Kindness.
Natalie radiated it.
For a moment, I looked away and gathered my courage before turning back to her. “Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened at the store a couple of weeks ago.” I winced at the memory, the blatant terror in her eyes when I’d faced her in the parking lot. I swallowed, needing to explain myself. “I just saw her . . . and . . .
I knew.”
I shook my head with regret. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She grimaced but shrugged one shoulder. “Yeah, you scared the hell out of me. I love that little girl so much. I’d do anything to protect her.” She glanced at Lizzie and then back to me, her expression serious. “But now that I know who you are, I . . .” She pressed her lips together as if she were debating what to say. “I get it.”
Did she really understand?
She must have seen the desperation in my face, because sympathy fell across her own. “I believe you.”
“You believe . . . what?” I asked.
“That you love her . . . love them.” She motioned to where Lizzie and Elizabeth sat on the grass, sharing a piece of cake. She looked back at me, searching my face. “You do, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I do.”
She gave me a curt nod. “Good. Then don’t mess this up.”
I ran my hand through my hair, trying to make sense of this conversation. Two hours ago, her husband had all but threatened to kill me and she seemed to be encouraging me. She grinned at my confusion, scooped her last piece of cake into her mouth, and hopped up. “See you around?” she prodded, her brow raised.